Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 110
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain datelessPage 5 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

I used to be a newborn about 20 years ago & boy the PUAs love that!
Such women r not savvy to all the lies & games & learn soon enough.
It sounds like the men who are in a similar boat, a bit naive, get taken advantage of by predatory women.


It's easy to let a predatory woman slip through, even if you're a man with experience. I had an experience with a psychopath and it's hard to tell what they are at first because they mirror your emotions and behaviours. The same thing goes for women spotting "pick up artists". If a guy is good at pick up, women aren't going to be able to differentiate between him and a regular guy with charisma.

[quote[Jeez, this is wrong on so many levels I hardly know where to start.

There is an old joke about a guy who doesn’t smoke, drink, party or chase women. And the punch line is something about, “He may not live forever, it just feels like forever because it is so damned BORING!”

I kind of agree with the not spending a fortune bit. I'm saying you should never spend anything on dating, but there's no need to spend a fortune on dates when most don't result in a second date anyway.


There's that saying, life is not a dress rehearsal.

A lot of dead wood here. I think some of the guys here that complain about women could really use a woman to enhance their lives and to get out of their ruts.


I think you're stating the obvious here. I personally wouldn't be back if women were faithful to me and didn't use me. A lot of men probably want a good woman but getting a first date or even a positive response from a woman can take a long time.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 111
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/24/2018 10:51:30 AM
Coma, it seems there are too many messed up people in this world. That's partly why it's hard to make a connection. You've got kids being raised by 2 personalities, mother and father, then what are the chances the parents both have great personalities to impart to their kids, male and female? My cheating husband took after his cheating father, as did his brother. Then you have crappy mothers as bad examples too, for sons and daughters. My ex's sister looked like she had big problems from being raised in that dynamic.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 112
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/24/2018 11:39:50 AM

Coma, it seems there are too many messed up people in this world. That's partly why it's hard to make a connection. You've got kids being raised by 2 personalities, mother and father, then what are the chances the parents both have great personalities to impart to their kids, male and female? My cheating husband took after his cheating father, as did his brother. Then you have crappy mothers as bad examples too, for sons and daughters. My ex's sister looked like she had big problems from being raised in that dynamic.


That's true, and a lot of them are raised by single mothers and fathers. A lot of people also suffer from childhood trauma and abuse and it manifests in drug and alcohol addiction later on in life. Clearly, the problem of getting a first date of even the attention of an attractive woman is such a problem for most men that authors and dating coaches are becoming millionaires. If all it took was a few friendly messages, a smiling head shot and buying the lady a pizza, there wouldn't be an entire industry cashing in on solving this problem. I know I could be more confident and a lot of men could be more confident, but you're also right that most people are messed up, and a lot of women chase the "bad boy" type until they reach a point where they want to find a provider to take her of her and her kids.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 113
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/24/2018 1:01:25 PM

Jeez, this is wrong on so many levels I hardly know where to start.

There is an old joke about a guy who doesn’t smoke, drink, party or chase women. And the punch line is something about, “He may not live forever, it just feels like forever because it is so damned BORING!”


I never said I wouldn’t invest anything in dating - just a reasonable amount of money; and I would also expect a woman to contribute equally.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 114
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/24/2018 7:43:03 PM
Golly, one man spent his money on retirement and another to get a psychopath. I wonder who got screwed better? :)

A simple rule is, tts better to spend quality time than quantity money on a date.

"If all it took was a few friendly messages, a smiling head shot and buying the lady a pizza, there wouldn't be an entire industry cashing in on solving this problem."

>>>oh well, what do makeup and perfume companies profit on? :)
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 115
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/24/2018 10:27:39 PM
I think more opportunities need to be made for single people to meet each other in person. Meeting someone online is artificial and dehumanizing. I wish there were singles events where a bunch of single people could mingle.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 116
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 2:13:54 AM
Coma, any time I hear the word "coach", what I'm really hearing is "you're getting screwed". Whether it's this bullsh!t dating teachers for men, or life coaches for people in general. There was no such thing decades ago, or at least they had no prominence and nerve to teach what a person should know about themselves or life. It really is that simple. Go where there are women (which is everywhere), look your best, then get friendly and be complimentary and polite. Open with a compliment.

July, I think anyone can plan a pof event, but of course it's an issue for you for geographical reasons. Same goes for planning meetup.com. I guess you could start your own group outside of those groups. Craig's list has a personals section for people looking for dates, but also friendships, but I think that could get a little weird with what they may have in mind.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 117
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 6:30:14 AM

I never said I wouldn’t invest anything in dating - just a reasonable amount of money; and I would also expect a woman to contribute equally.


My man best friend and I do this. Furthermore, we don't go down a list to see who is doing what exactly down the middle; it's an arrangement of giving and taking, and it's worked for us in our long friendship. We are not romantically or sexually interlinked, by the way.

"Contribute equally."

As much as I love proper dinner dates, I'm not much of a diner, because rarely an establishment can recreate what I can do for myself at home with my own resources, talents, and creativity. Dining out is for recreation, for me, an experience sharing a meal in a neutral zone with somebody I just met and talking about the things and experiences that touch our lives respectively.

This experience is not something I use to take from anybody for the next paycheck, and if I were ever in the situation, I would rather go to the dollar store and make meals out of that (there are many youtube videos on healthy eating with Dollar Store food). If somebody is willing to share an outdoor experience because they are kind and enjoy my company, that's when I would go, if we 'click.'

I also prepare home-cooked meals for people with whom I'm in a relationship. Doing this isn't an invite for him to squat in my home while I'm chained to my stove -- no way. It is a gift I give to him, using my own resources, like my time, effort, groceries, utilities, which considerably outweigh the cost of an outside dinner if I were doing the dining spending. I would expect to be treated with as much as respect as he wants from me taking me out for a dinner he is already paying for himself. To label this equal is unfair -- it's sharing and it isn't limited to dining.

"“Sharing food is a metaphor for all giving. When we offer someone food, we are not just giving that person something to eat; we are giving far more. We give strength, health, beauty, clarity of mind, and even life, because none of those things would be possible without food. So when we feed another, this is what we are offering: the substance of life itself.”
― Sharon Salzberg, Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 118
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 7:16:11 AM

I also prepare home-cooked meals for people with whom I'm in a relationship. Doing this isn't an invite for him to squat in my home while I'm chained to my stove -- no way. It is a gift I give to him, using my own resources, like my time, effort, groceries, utilities, which considerably outweigh the cost of an outside dinner if I were doing the dining spending. I would expect to be treated with as much as respect as he wants from me taking me out for a dinner he is already paying for himself. To label this equal is unfair -- it's sharing and it isn't limited to dining.

You and others have brought this up multiple times.
1. How many dates would a man have to pay for dinner or some other activity before you starting contributing by cooking him dinner? That doesn't mean it has to be 50-50. A woman could pay the tip or a drink / snack after I had paid for something else that was more expensive. Most women probably wouldn't invite a man to her house and cook him dinner on a first or second date. And most first and second dates (in particular with someone from OLD) don't turn into a serious relationship.
2. How do know you the man doesn't cook? Maybe he would invite you to his house and cook dinner for you as well if / when it turns into a serious relationship.
3. If / when a woman does cook dinner for me, I would still offer to contribute something. Appetizers, wine, desserts etc.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 119
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 7:32:04 AM

Coma, any time I hear the word "coach", what I'm really hearing is "you're getting screwed". Whether it's this bullsh!t dating teachers for men, or life coaches for people in general. There was no such thing decades ago, or at least they had no prominence and nerve to teach what a person should know about themselves or life. It really is that simple. Go where there are women (which is everywhere), look your best, then get friendly and be complimentary and polite. Open with a compliment.


Most men that aren't naturally successful with women need some sort of coach or guide. Looking your best is important, but if being polite and complimenting people worked, myself and many other men would be dating beautiful women right now, but unfortunately it doesn't work in today's social climate. I would even mingle and approach women after playing concerts with various cover bands only to be brushed off no matter how friendly or complimentary I was. I wish it was an easy as you make it sound, but it simply doesn't work for me and I need more specific advice.
 reverendswine
Joined: 4/14/2018
Msg: 120
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 7:59:39 AM

I would even mingle and approach women after playing concerts with various cover bands only to be brushed off no matter how friendly or complimentary I was. I wish it was an easy as you make it sound, but it simply doesn't work for me and I need more specific advice.


That's crazy. Not only do the women here start making the first move at local shows durings the breaks after first set, they often end up buying drinks for everyone in the band (which I think is nuts, but that's their business), and the singer gives them a "shout out" when they return to the stage.

What exactly did these women say or do to indicate they were brushing you off?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 121
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 9:10:26 AM
I think many guys and gals are aiming for the wrong people. Most long single people I know are single for a reason and its not always evident to them. I think these people need to adjust their expectations or learn exactly who is likely to like them back. Not everyone is equal in looks, brains, strength, money, personality. I have both friends and family members who will be perpetually single because they keep wanting to be with people who won't want to be with them. Of course most of us will be attracted to 8s, 9s and 10s but truthfully most people who are under that won't be able to do better. And with OLD, we don't tend to see past a person's outward appearance so we don't look at someone long enough to realize they are a good match.

I have been attractee to guys in real life who I probably would have not even talked to on OLD.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 122
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 9:20:35 AM
"Whether it's this bullsh!t dating teachers for men, or life coaches for people in general. There was no such thing decades ago, or at least they had no prominence and nerve to teach what a person should know about themselves or life. It really is that simple."

>>>Actually in the older days, it was your dad, uncle, or other male role model who GAS and took a role in your life. It may not have always been great advice, but humans love to share their opinion on something. In business, you worked for someone and worked your way up, and in my case at least, some fellow felt paternal and decided to share what he already learned, b/c what he also learned was that knowledge was to be shared, not hoarded. But now everyone's too busy to be in a kid's life, or doesn't want to get harassed about telling too much morals and opinions to a child, and in business, its so zero sum no one wants to see you get ahead of them.

and with the help of the internet and its instant communication, the life coach industry is taking off. I get emails all the time on how to become one, so there's tons who are responding to the same sales pitches. you don't need a degree, just a snappy webpage.

"Looking your best is important, but if being polite and complimenting people worked, myself and many other men would be dating beautiful women right now, but unfortunately it doesn't work in today's social climate. I would even mingle and approach women after playing concerts with various cover bands only to be brushed off no matter how friendly or complimentary I was. I wish it was an easy as you make it sound, but it simply doesn't work for me and I need more specific advice. "

>>>wait, did I post this once when I was talking about leagues and the importance of physical looks? :) I used to get these reactions (well, I wasn't in a band) back before cellphones even existed. People who are interested in you, will take an interest. Those not interested in you, see you as background and focus on what or who turns them on. we gravitate towards instant pleasure, not looking hard to find a scrap of it in an unlikely place.

"I think these people need to adjust their expectations or learn exactly who is likely to like them back. Not everyone is equal in looks, brains, strength, money, personality"

>>>and that's the solution--both easy and hard to do. Success is when we like what is available to us, as much as we like what isn't.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 123
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 9:45:01 AM

That's crazy. Not only do the women here start making the first move at local shows durings the breaks after first set, they often end up buying drinks for everyone in the band (which I think is nuts, but that's their business), and the singer gives them a "shout out" when they return to the stage.

What exactly did these women say or do to indicate they were brushing you off?


I can give you some examples. I was talking to one lady after a gig and we made the usual small talk until she brushed me off and said: "Oh, I think your friend is back." (Pointing at my friend that returned to the table with a round of drinks.)
Others give answers like "I'm good", or "My name is Jen" and never ask you anything in return and eventually wander off with their friends. Others will say: "I'm going to go dancing now" or something to that effect. I've never had a woman make the first move in that situation.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 124
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 10:22:58 AM
Coma, do you tend to be shy? I see examples you've given as possible missed opportunities.

Your friend is back - she's not necessarily being dismissive, but maybe prompting you to do something, which could be to offer to go stand away from your friends and offer to buy her a drink, or leave that place and go somewhere else for a drink. If your friends are the type to act stupid because you're talking to a girl, I'd offer to take her elsewhere. If she's with friends, and doesn't want to leave, you acknowledge that and ask her out, get her number.

I'm going dancing - join her.

My name is Jen - women can be shy and short on words. You have to be a good conversationalist, learn how to make small talk and further the conversation. Even if she doesn't ask about you. Don't worry about that when you're initially talking to a stranger. People like to talk about themselves and women are used to being pursued, and they're probably waiting for you to do that, to be the leader. Though not with all women. The way you're looking for an inkling that the girl is interested, guess what? She's looking for that from you too. If no one takes the lead, it becomes a Mexican standoff. If a girl is talking to you, there's your cue she's interested. If you don't show enough interest, she'll walk away, and that's what I think is happening. Ask her what she's drinking. Buy 1 drink, talk a bit and ask for her number. You don't have to be buying drinks all night and you want to know where you stand before doing that, if you're so inclined.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 125
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 10:42:14 AM

Coma, do you tend to be shy? I see examples you've given as possible missed opportunities.

Your friend is back - she's not necessarily being dismissive, but maybe prompting you to do something, which could be to offer to go stand away from your friends and offer to buy her a drink, or leave that place and go somewhere else for a drink. If your friends are the type to act stupid because you're talking to a girl, I'd offer to take her elsewhere. If she's with friends, and doesn't want to leave, you acknowledge that and ask her out, get her number.


I'm closer to the shy end of the spectrum than the pushy and obnoxious side. She seemed like she was looking for an excuse to get rid of me. She didn't seem very engaged, didn't introduce me to her friends and was looking over my shoulder.


My name is Jen - women can be shy and short on words. You have to be a good conversationalist, learn how to make small talk and further the conversation. Even if she doesn't ask about you. Don't worry about that when you're initially talking to a stranger. People like to talk about themselves and women are used to being pursued, and they're probably waiting for you to do that, to be the leader. Though not with all women. The way you're looking for an inkling that the girl is interested, guess what? She's looking for that from you too. If no one takes the lead, it becomes a Mexican standoff. If a girl is talking to you, there's your cue she's interested. If you don't show enough interest, she'll walk away, and that's what I think is happening. Ask her what she's drinking. Buy 1 drink, talk a bit and ask for her number. You don't have to be buying drinks all night and you want to know where you stand before doing that, if you're so inclined.


Isn't it kind of obvious that I'm interested in the woman if I walk up and introduce myself to her? How do I show more interest? I'm already introducing myself and asking her about herself.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 126
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 10:51:54 AM
Being friendly and walking up and saying hello to someone
you're interested in should be all that's necessary. If the other
person is interested, they'll engage. If they don't and you have
to pull teeth and chop off your fingers before they'll give you their
attention or number, move on. No one walks away from someone
they're interested in and conversation is a two way street.

There is no secret formula.
Maybe you just need more confidence in yourself.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 127
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 10:55:59 AM

Being friendly and walking up and saying hello to someone
you're interested in should be all that's necessary. If the other
person is interested, they'll engage. If they don't and you have
to pull teeth and chop off your fingers before they'll give you their
attention or number, move on. No one walks away from someone
they're interested in and conversation is a two way street.

There is no secret formula.
Maybe you just need more confidence in yourself.


I agree. I can usually tell if someone is interested or not. Some people are more introverted and extroverted by nature. Going from zero confidence to fully confident doesn't happen overnight. You can't just magically feel like the most confident person on Earth because someone said: "be confident". It's something that I have to work on every day, it doesn't come naturally to me. I think every guy is a bit nervous to approach attractive women.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 128
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 10:58:37 AM
I think confident is probably the wrong word.
Just realize that you're cool and awesome even if
others can't see it.

That's what I do.
You know you're worthy, just wear it on your face,
even if your insides are mush and your legs are jello!

 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 129
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 11:18:13 AM

and why does he keep getting married?


Perhaps he subscribes to the bizarre notion that the more divorces he has, the more appealing he will be to date.


why can't he hold onto a women,


Perhaps he keeps making the same poor choices that other people with multiple marriages and divorces make.


Craig's list has a personals section for people looking for dates,


Not anymore.
They scrapped it a couple of months ago, fearing potential liability for sex trafficking.


I think more opportunities need to be made for single people to meet each other in person.


There already USED to be.
But OLD killed them.
Back in the 1980's and '90's here in SoCal, there were 4 regular singles dances every week for years, and other monthly and quarterly ones.
Sometimes there were 2 different dances by different groups on the same night in the same hotel's ballrooms.
Then attendance began declining as OLD started growing, and all of them eventually went out of business, even though there are even more singles now than there were then.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 130
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 11:24:35 AM

I think confident is probably the wrong word.
Just realize that you're cool and awesome even if
others can't see it.

That's what I do.
You know you're worthy, just wear it on your face,
even if your insides are mush and your legs are jello!


That's good advice. Easier said than done though. Usually conversations between strangers end up being awkward like: "Hey, my name is so and so... how is your night going?"
"Pretty good."
"That's cool."

I hate feeling like I'm bothering people or interrupting them. I'm pretty good at conversation when someone actually engages me on equal ground.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 131
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 11:38:16 AM
Well, you've got to be able to carry a conversation until
the other jumps in. I know that's not always easy. For me
I can babble about everything and nothing, so it's rare I
can't think of something to say.

After you ask how someone's night is going and they answer,
don't respond with just "that's cool." Proceed to tell them about
your night (or day). If you're in the band playing, tell them something
they might not know about your band. Ask them if they live around here. Ask them what
they're drinking and can you get them one.

Honestly, if someone is leaving you to make all the conversation, YOU shouldn't
be interested in them. It's a tell of their personality and something I guarantee
you won't want to deal with later.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 132
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 12:13:56 PM

I think these people need to adjust their expectations or learn exactly who is likely to like them back.


Agreed. Too many folks are too focused on who they want instead of who would actually be good for them, or compatible with their actual personality, value systems and lifestyle. It's one of the many reasons why selfish, deluded & entitled people are not successful in fostering long-lasting relationships.

I have a "type" that I'm typically attracted to but it is very different from the type who is typically attracted to me. I'm not referring to a physical type either, more a personality type. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I am single. My good friend called it "self-sabotage"...being starry-eyed over dudes who are not viable. I can't say she's wrong.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 133
view profile
History
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 1:05:37 PM
Browneyesboo: I can't quote you because I'm on a mobile device. I try my best to keep the conversation going but 99% of women I talk to give the one word answers or uninterested vibe. They say they have a boyfriend or aren't looking to date if I go for the number close. That's why I've been doing online dating but it's equally as frustrating and unrewarding lol. I'm not sure what to change up. I can see why other men say to hell with it and give up. Most of the women I know are chasing the bad boy types and like clockwork, they complain they were emotionally or physically abused after or he got them pregnant and left. I'm kinda finding that bars aren't the best spot to meet people even though it's the most socially acceptable place.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 134
How to be an ahole and remain dateless
Posted: 6/25/2018 7:37:22 PM
Coma, did you get hacked? you used to be the guy who argued with me about how PUA could land any woman, fake it till ya made it, and so on. So i'm going to borrow what Pig would post--if a woman is showing disinterest, then let her go. Trying to keep her around and interested makes you the one trying to win her over. Its far better to let her go, no matter how hot she is...it makes her wonder why you'd let her go, and second guess herself. Assuming she might want to. You lose nothing by losing her and moving onto anyone else you're having more success with. That'll boost your confidence again.

You can talk to her all you want, and she can talk to you. But if she's out of your league, then she isn't interested and all the talking won't change what her eyes see. And that's just the way things are. I've been chasing women for decades, I can speak from experience. you introduce yourself, and if she's interested, she'll only let you go if she's a game-player or a Rules girl. Otherwise, any time a woman ever does to you....what you do to any woman you are interested in....then you can guess she's interested in you. I used to hang out with a woman who constantly took photos of me every time we were together, and as soon as I wondered WTF she did that for...I knew. if I hadn't asked that question, I might have not figured out she was interested until she finally asked me what I thought of her.

success definitely breeds success. The more good responses you get, the more confident you get. as others pointed out often, if we pursue someone for the sake of getting a date, we are either a success or a failure. if we flirt just for fun, then we have fun, and maybe we get a date...or maybe we just have fun. If we talk to someone just to pass the time in a bar, then talking passes the time...and if its fun, we have fun...and if that leads to a date, then we have that achievement as well.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >