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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > number one priority      Home login  
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 20
number one priorityPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
My last BF had his Mother come first. Not gonna work. The thing about revolving around your kids, is that it makes them feel in charge. That makes em insecure because they need clear boundaries. They need to know you love them enough to set those boundaries. Sometimes the boundary is that you need some time alone with your spouse.When the couple is happy, the kids are happy. When the kids are in charge, the clowns run the circus.
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 21
number one priority
Posted: 11/25/2008 5:31:57 AM
If the gal (or guy in that case) does the priority thingy with logic - the non-parent don’t get ran over too bad.

The only “goof” that some gals do is - forget that THEY have to come first. They have to survive over and above their children in order to be there for their children.

All people have to realize that THEY must be of utmost importance in their own lives. I realize the PC set will dispute that but it is true.

When it comes to mommy (or daddy) putting the kid(s) first can be done in a realistic fashion and no one feels neglected.

A male friend had a live in gf. She had a 10 yo son and a 15 yo son. The 15 yo used his mom’s (my kids are first) to the max and the mom let the kid. She always stood with the kid. I could NEVER live like that.

I married a gal with two little girls. I knew what the pecking order would be - but turns out the mom was logical. The mom was smart enough that she not only let me be the dad - she WANTED me to be the dad.

I WAS the dad and everyone knew it from day one. All those years it was "ask your dad" (if she did not want to tell them no or wanted to hand it off to me)

End results ..... no non-parental friction - none. Two educated - grown - married girls that still call me dad and treat me like dad.

OP ..... don’t be silly. The right female will be smart - everyone wins.


ugg - I forgot to look at the OP date - I no doubt said the same thing months ago lol
Joined: 11/2/2008
Msg: 22
view profile
number one priority
Posted: 11/25/2008 6:35:03 AM
It is all about balancing. Someone who says children are the number 1 priority means that when my kids need me or I need to be there for them then that takes center stage. You couldn't pry me away from my son's football game and after every good play he looks for me cheering him on. But there are times when a man's needs come first or a special friend or even work. And there are times when my needs come first in order for me to take care of everyone else. So when someone (man or woman) says "my kids come first" I would first of all respect them for working hard to raise a child correctly and second, I would see where I would fit in on their love priority scale. There really is a lot of room for all kinds of love.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 23
number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 8:27:18 AM

Why quit dating just becuase you got kids?????

Indeed? Why stop wh*ring around and sleeping with strangers just because you have a few pain in the ass kids sitting around on the couch.

The intellect displayed within this entire forum is discouraging.
I hope there aren't any children reading this.
Wait - there's only a bunch of children and child-like behaviors inside here.

Ick. Some of you people should feel ashamed - the problem is you're too ______ to know who you are, yeah fill the blank in for yourself.
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 2:03:08 PM
I feel like I should put, "see post 102", every few posts now.

I'd just like to add that...

My Mother loves children. She had 5 of her own. She adores her grandchildren. She was the oldest girl of a dozen and second "Mom" to many of them. She was a Nanny when we got older, and the children in her charge still run up to her and throw their arms around her when they see her and yell, 'Nanny!' She was like a second Mom (maybe first really) to my son when he mother left. I knew, and know, my Mother loves me tremendously and always did what she felt was in my best interest. To this day she still worries about me.

My Father is a strong silent sort of fellow but surprisingly sensitive. Being brought up like an only child he didn't know much about kids starting out. He just knew he wanted my Mom. But he grew to love his children and I remember the time he spent teaching me to work on the car. There was no doubt in any of our minds that our father would provide for us and give us whatever we needed. There was no doubt we were among the most important people in the world to him.

But my Mom put my Father first 100%. And he did the same for her over, not just their children, but anyone. That was not negotiable in our house. Just about the most stupid thing you could try to do was come between them. And you know what? He still sleeps in her bed every night about 45 years later in a house that's usually devoid of the children they raised to be able to go out and have families of their own.

And, if you ask them, they're both very happy about that.

I feel very fortunate to have parents like them, that still love each other like crazy to this day. I certainly wouldn't trade it to have had any of my childish demands met, or an extra activities class, or even to know how to play the violin.

Use that information to prioritize as you will.
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 25
view profile
number one priority
Posted: 11/26/2008 3:29:31 PM
Whether they were my "natural" biological parents or not is pretty irrelevant to the story I wrote.

You're absolutely right that a person** dating another person who already has kids is a different story. I was intentionally writing a different story to give some context, and some understanding that sometimes kids don't come first. Not sometimes, as in little ways, but in really big ways, as the story reveals.

And when you take a defensive position at the outset that your children will always come first it's possible that you preclude a relationship like I described.

(Having been a single custodial parent myself, and having read other posts on the thread, your characterization of this only about men dating women with kids is not correct.)
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 26
view profile
number one priority
Posted: 12/3/2008 6:42:39 AM
I am a single dad and my kids are my number one priority also. It does not mean there is not room for a women in my life, but if it comes down to taking a women out or taking care of my kids, well the kids win that every time. Most times with planing smart people can do both, but on that Friday night and a kid gets sick plans can change. I want to date a women that can deal with that without it becoming an issue. Why lots of us snigle parents put the warning out there. Now some take it way beond that and they are not a good pick, but most find balance bettween kids and dating.
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