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 AUTHOR
 Gideon_70
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 29
Poke Me & DiePage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Hello Melissa

I am going to say this as nicely as I can as soon as I post this. This is copied from an abuse site.

Posted from http://www.drirene.com/cyclesof.htm

The Tension-Building Stage: The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.

The Abuse Stage: A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.

The Remorse Stage: Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.

As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.

The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.



Now. I married a lady that was the "perfect girl." She made sure that she always had her "dating face" on and we would have a wonderful time. She was sweet, demure, easy to talk to, easy to like... and then we got married.

I was married to her for seven years. Some may say I had none, others might say I was stupid. But in reality, I was determined that I could make the relationship work and that tomorrow, always tomorrow, she would calm down and start acting normal. There were days where she would, and those were nice, sweet and wonderful. We had some really great times. We also had some really nasty times.

Do you know what it is like to go to work wearing a turtleneck because your wife of five years tried to choke you to death the night before? That is before she called the ambulance and police. She knew that she had to cover her tracks so she would call them, break down in to sobs and claim that I had beat her. Most of the time it did not work as the police were smart enough and had seen it enough to not believe her. Once it did.

I came home, she was sitting in front of a space heater with a blanket around her feet. It was smoking. I pulled the plug on the heater and she screamed and came after me. She nearly killed me. The neighbors called the police. They came, saw the fight and decided that "I" was going to go to jail. (I wonder if they didn't do it on purpose to wake me up) The judge heard my story the next morning and he told me to get out while I was alive.

I tried to divorce her. She accused me of every vile thing she could think of because she had lost control... and losing control was just TOO much for her. She HAD to have revenge, the nastier the better. It almost cost me my freedom. But the judge wasn't buying it. He dismissed the charges, gave me split custody of the kids and I was going to live happily ever after... right?

Not on your life.
She immediately started to try to find someone that would kill me. I have to say it was God helping me, because the person she tried to hire was a friend of mine that I had not seen in years. He played it off and then came to tell me. After some sleepless nights and a full blown investigation by the state police, I was told that she was serious, it was going to be hard to catch her, and I should strongly consider relocating and not telling her where I was going.

I tried to get the kids but the laws in that state strongly favored the female. I went broke and was unable to keep fighting. After the death threats and the warnings I ended up moving. I didn't get to see my kids for a long time because as soon as I moved, she left as well. It took years to find them again.

I remember walking down the street when we were first dating. I saw a lady on the side of the street that was nice looking. She slapped me for looking and really loudly said "What're you looking at?" It embarrassed me at the time. Now, I would know how to deal with it, but I was a wet behind the ears 18 year old and had no idea how to deal with someone that was acting so psychotic.

The man (child) you are abusing needs help to recover from you. He also needs a restraining order. I truly pray that you do not have kids with him. He does not deserve to be treated like you are treating him.

I have my guess that you were either seriously abused, or were spoiled rotten and given everything you screamed for. It could be anything else... but in the case of my ex it was sexual abuse - bad, violent abuse. She could not form relationships at all, and honestly thought that control was love. I still feel sorry for her... from a distance. The last I heard she had married a man who is in prison - and has a really pretty daughter that kills animals for the fun and attention of it.

Michelle.

Please get some help.
No one deserves to be treated like you are treating him. He has done nothing wrong, and you are drawing him into your possessive abusive life. If he really cares about you, he will give you enough to let you seriously damage him because he does not know what you are capable of. He has his eyes closed because he cares, and it is sad that you intend to use that to destroy him.

You are an abuser. You need help. It is sad that you will have to do something to phycically hurt him before the police can get involved... but whenthey do I seriouly pray that htey force HIM into councelling to help him heal from the abuse and damage you are doing to him.

You are an abuser. You hurt people to please yourself.
 Joel246
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 30
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:21:03 AM
It sounds like you're carrying a lot of jealousy in the relationship.

This is unhealthy no matter how you slice it. He is right, you need to be able to overcome your jealousy issues and trust him in order to treat him with the respect and trust a partner deserves.

If you do not believe he is being faithful then leave him. If you do believe he is being faithful then trust him to be faithful and stop worrying about it and getting emotional about superficial jibing between him and other women.

I can tell you first hand I was a very jealous person in my first serious relationship and so was my partner. We made each other miserable getting upset over stupid things like talking to other girls/guys. Yet both of us were completely worthy of trust and wouldn't have cheated on one another for anything. Yet we ruined the relationship by letting jealous emotions run wild and creating so much negativity.

As always, I can't claim to judge perfectly since it's your life and its impossible to describe everything going on.... but from what you've said, I have to side with your boyfriend. You want to be truly loving and caring then trust him and give him his space. If he loves and cares for you back he will greatly appreciate it and treat you better for it.
 Joel246
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 31
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:27:36 AM
Gideon that was an incredible story. I'm glad to hear you were able to get out of it ok in the end, and it's terrible that she was allowed custody of the kids through everything.

But there are many levels of abuse, and I don't believe this poster qualifies on the same level as your ex wife. I agree she is being abusive though, and must stop or quit the relationship.

Also got quite a laugh out of the fact that through all her jealousy, someone pointed out that SHE's the one on a dating site. Harsh truth. There's a lot to this situation thats not pretty. I'm glad that the guy is standing up for himself though.
 TheLimey
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 7:59:42 AM
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the OP & PerfectGentlemenNo1 would make a great couple?
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 33
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:17:34 AM
^^^^^^ lol ^^^^^

"People calm down!!! This is a person who asked for honest feedback and I am seeing a lot of criticism instead. When I was her age, I did a lot of really [u]stupid [/u] things with my relationships and I didn't have the courage to ask for help. "

She has asked for advise before and argued with all of it, take a look at her history.
Yes she needs help and everyone (ok not everyone but a lot of people) told her she needed to seek professional help, because she wasn't going to find what she needed here. She believes that she is right and that she is the absolute final word on it. Her way or no way. Yes she's young but I have known plenty of young people that had it rough growing up, and acted nothing even close to the way the OP acts. You make your own decisions and choices in life, having a screwed up childhood is not an excuse.

"Your relationship is a really good example of how relationships break down because of it. The two of you started off on equal footing treating each other fairly etc."

No it didn't he just did and acted like she told him to and now he has decided that he can't do it anymore. Hell he lost some friends because of her. Do you know what they did to piss her off? They were guys.

vvvvvvv I noticed it too and had a little giggle over it. lol
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 34
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:38:57 AM
IS IT JUST ME OR HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT FROM POST #86 ONWARD FOR SOME TIME, THAT MOST OF THE TITLES ON THESE POST READ:

PORK ME & DIE.................

Just wasn't sure if it was just my computer or my brain or my old lady eyesight again!
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Poke Men & Dish
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:04:49 AM
I noticed that, too. It's not just you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well then who is it?

Don't forget the two posts that said we should be kinder and gentler to the OP, is there a cool chance in Heell they are valid?
 Gideon_70
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 36
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:21:41 PM
Jealousy is the fear of being replaced. It is a good emotion that will, if properly used and controlled, save your marraige time and time again. If the wife fears that the husband is straying then she can help him with her jealousy and open communication.

On the other hand. Envy and selfishness are not good emotions.

Envy means that you wnat to swollow - control - dominate the other one. It means that every time they have soething that you want, you take it or make it difficult for them to enjoy it.

Selfishness is simply that. You want - and what you want is far more important than what the other wants. I'll write more later, but this did catch my eye.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 37
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History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/1/2008 4:56:46 PM
Are you for real?
I feel terrible for you. And I feel terrible for him too. He's gotta have some major issues as well to stay with you.
 dogs rule
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 38
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:34:54 AM

But it still doesn't mean he has to disrespect me and act like an ***hole towards me neither.

He is disrespecting you because he doesn't fold to your every whim? I don't know what you did to him but it sounds like he should leave you.
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 39
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:55:34 AM
I'll have to vote with Ruckus on this one, I would have dumped you AGES ago. Poking with a finger is fun and playful. You'd have probably died if I went dancing. I go blues dancing every week or so (if I can).
something like this http://youtube.com/watch?v=tC0SWyKEqnw
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 40
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 11:56:40 AM
dollars to donuts that the op will delete her profile and run away crying.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:39:10 PM
Well here ya go, naughtical!!!


Hmmm, a 7-pack....wonder how I could market that??!!


~ds~
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 42
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 12:56:12 PM
Pokey Pokey Pokey! With my banana! Hey its jsut harmless joking around. Its not like he's making out with these women on his lunch break or getting BJ/HJ with them his car. (Those were the days)

You sound like a control freak. Let the children play. Hell at my college anime club we poked eachother, tickled eachother and hugged. and yes it was both males and females. Sometime a peck on the cheek was a way to say hello to a close friend of the opposite sex. nothing to get Jealous of. When I go to a bar or to a friend's house I kiss women ont he cheek who I am familiar with. and Will even give a peck ont he cheek toa girlfriend's friend, sister, mom, aunt. And its not big deal.

You are a control freak jsut face the facts. And you need to trust your byofriend. he should leave you for making him give up friends jsut to make you happy. You have to learn to let go and trust or you will enve rbe happy or have a sucessful marriage int eh future.
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 43
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 1:15:29 PM
"Melissa, I would say you shouldn't be in a relationship until you have looked at yourself, why you have jealousy issues, and how they came about in your life. Whether from childhood or other areas. How about getting someone who knows about this to help you? Once you understand why you have these issues then you can set about dealing with them, but this has to be done alone without having a partner."

Unfortunately while thats good advise its wasted on the OP. Some people here have already given her this advise in a previous post and all she did is argue with it.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:39:52 PM
^^^"Pokers are INFANTILE in my eyes, that is the true issue here."

You're serious, aren't you....NAAHHHH.


~ds~
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/3/2008 5:41:35 AM
Notice the OP hasn't been back. I've seen this sort of thing before on advice forums; no amount of reason or logic will work. The OP has been quoted in another thread saying that various types of medical help have not changed her. If professionals can't fix her issues, I highly doubt POFers can.

A hallmark of different personality disorders is the fact that the person with the disorder resists all advice or help. It could be this person is suffering that sort of issue, in which case people can type their fingers off and it won't make a whit of difference.

If she comes back at all, I'll betcha billion bucks that it will be to go on about more grievances about the BF and how wronged she has been and that there will be no acknowledgment of any of the advice offered here.
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 47
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/4/2008 4:54:50 PM
sounds like you both need counselling and there is now a power struggle. Let me tell you there are never any winners when this type of thing occurs. You only make each miserable.

Your comment:So now I'm confused. Wheather I should move on. I still love him, but not how he treats me anymore.

Did you ever have a mutally trusting and respectful relationship? Is that possible from the start you do not trust yourself and have issues...

all to often people run to get involved in the next great relationship assuming it will make them happy and carry their garbage into it.

Fix yourself first...then the right one will enter your life

Good Luck
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 48
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/4/2008 4:59:34 PM
To Poke or Not To Poke....that is the question.

I am a Poker...and I like it that way..... I am not an unemotional fearful of human touch Eunach of a woman. I have feelings and emotions and touch is important to me.

I have no fear of PDA...Public Displays of Affection either.
so...who wants a Good Poke?..
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 49
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:04:50 PM
perhaps there should be poke therapy?
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:05:53 PM
Msg #166: "Are you really saying that this can not be misconstrued as being flirtatious??"

It could be construed....or it could be miscontrued. Depends on who's doing the construing. If he pokes a girl at work, he knows what he meant by it (we don't) and she knows what he meant by it (we still don't). We can make assumptions...OP can make assumptions (and has) and demand it stop regardless the intent. We can make further assumptions that she is controlling by demanding such. In, and of itself, I wouldn't presume her to be controlling on that one facet....but after viewing the entire picture, IMO it's fairly obvious...at least to me based on the OPost.


~ds~
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 51
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:52:10 PM

He says there's nothing wrong with poking, she's just a friend at work. BUT, I told him to stop, and he refuses cause he thinks I should get over myself and not to worry.


He's right too. Your.. yes YOUR insecurities aren't his problem and he's probably sick to death of dealing with them.

On the rocks is probably the prefect way to describe your relationship. But it could be a total understatement, too.


I told him to get out a "long" time ago, but he still clunged on like a koala bear.


Don't kid a kidder. He's not clinging.. YOU are.


But it still doesn't mean he has to disrespect me and act like an ***hole towards me neither.


Too true

end sarcasm..

Why not? It apparently gives you the right to do that to him.
 night501
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Poke Me & Die
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:49:23 PM
aw man im kind of disappointed.
the OP hasnt written in 3 or 4 pages. i was getting a kick out of it.
she thought that her man was in the wrong but she was kinda messed up. i found it kinda funny.
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