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 AUTHOR
 Lucky_Vet
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 4
Help- i think the rules have changed !Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi Carmen, men hate breaking it off and hurting women in general. Its in our nature to protect women.

There is something about you they don't find appealing, whether it be physical, personality, or other things. Welcome to the human race, rejection is a part of life.
 Sweet_Romance
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 7
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:18:32 PM
Hi OP. I think if they dont do what they say they are going to do, they are not worth your time. Loose their number. They are not worth it. Shows to their true testament. I think straightforward is best also. If you feel it wouldn't work just say so. No hard feelings, put the cards on the table.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 10
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:10:16 PM
Today females and males can do the same things in social relationships. This means that she can call him just as easily as he calls her.

But there's a price to pay.

Women are finding that you have to put up with a lot of rejection. Well, welcome to the club. Men learn to deal with it. You can too.

So take the initiative. Take a chance. Call him.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 13
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:56:39 AM
Heav.Cut. says:

"If he doesn't call, then so what? Move onto the next guy. "

... and she is oh so right. I see so many nice women who assume that there is some one man who is "the one". Fact is, there's no such thing. The reality is that there are zillions of wonderful men out there for her to meet and if she would just forget about trying to mate up with some "Mister Right" and just enjoy them all she can be a lot happier.

That doesn't mean jumping into bed with them all. What happened to old fashioned friendship? Lovers and casual bed partners are a dime a dozen. Real friendship takes a lot more work and it's worth it and it lasts longer. Why don't more people build friendships and let the "dating and mating" thing take care of itself in due time?

When I lived in Europe for a while I noticed that when people go out it doesn't have to be limited to "one man one woman." Why don't Americans go out more with others without regard to whether the other person is male or female, and all that matters is that they enjoy each other's company? It works for Europeans.

Who says you should go out with only one person for the evening? Why not be open to groups of three or more? Coming home to America after years in Europe I decided that Americans make themselves miserable by being so hung up on one-on-one "dating" patterns of behavior instead of just enjoying people without preconceptions about what "should be."
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 14
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:16:17 AM
I agree that technology has changed how we go about things now but be it online or out in the real world a person who is showing you the signs of disinterest should be put on the back burner. Instead of fixating on one guy keep fishing, if your the one he wants to build something with then he'll show back up and if not well more fish in the sea. Now to play devils avocate for a moment i've noticed people online tend to take slights at somethings that might not be what they seem. Sometimes, work and life can cut into the time we are online, i once work three doubles in a row and on the third day found a relative had passed and left work and was straight out of town that evening when i returned checking my emails and being online was the last thing on my mind. so i think it was about 9 days all total id been away from online and a lady who i was getting pretty close to had left me several emails and instant messages. starting with how are you to where are you , to are you avoiding me, whats my problem and finally "your just another one of those ***holes who play with women" I could have contacted her again but i figred why i had a legit reason for not being online and with a reaction like that from not talking to me for a little over a week maybe i had gotten off easy. anyway my point is sometimes i leave my computer on and run to the store sometimes storms knock out my connection some times life just happens, people need calm down sometimes. although if he invites ya out for coffee and then never calls yes hes a prick and yes move on
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 16
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:27:34 AM
Paul says:

"... so i think it was about 9 days all total id been away from online and a lady who i was getting pretty close to had left me several emails and instant messages. starting with how are you to where are you , to are you avoiding me, whats my problem and finally "your just another one of those ***holes who play with women" I could have contacted her again but i figred why i had a legit reason for not being online and with a reaction like that from not talking to me for a little over a week maybe i had gotten off easy. ..."

Picking myself up from rolling around on the floor laughing, my message to this dude is congratulations, sir, you escaped from a real problematical babe with serious issues. Hope you find a sane one next time.
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 17
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:50:37 AM
yes i think i did too
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 18
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:50:51 AM
yes i think i did too
 ShadowLands
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 19
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 1:02:27 PM
After checking your profile, Carmen, I found your problem. You're in England. Everyone knows those guys are jerks.

Seriously....don't get wound up with it. Keep on lookin'.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 21
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 9:51:04 AM
I can't believe I am reading this, in the year 2008, not in some Victorian era novel:

"Men love the chase!
It's that simple, they don't like feeling like they've "caught" you straight away. By doing something as simple as thanking them for calling you've moved yourself from being "chased" to being "caught". I know this sonuds rediculous but on a subconsious level it really is how it works, ... "
.
................................
.
Yes, she really posted that! This is incredible. Does'nt this poster know that Jane Austen has been dead for 200 years? That stuff about men being hunters and women as prey to be caught is soooooo yesterday!
.
A woman who perceives herself as a trophy to be caught had better be prepared for what happens to trophies - they are displayed with heads hanging on the wall and the hunter moves on to chase the next prize.
.
Personally I have enjoyed a lot of wonderful women and two satisfying marriages and have learned not to chase anyone at all. I was dumb enough once to think a male had to chase females but eventually figured out that women who submit to being chased are just not the kind of women I want in my life anyway.
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Real women worth knowing do not let themselves be prey; they are PERSONS. They are not prizes - they are equal to me in rights and dignity and I will respect them as such, not try to capture them to use as eye candy or cheap housemaids.
.
I remember watching my wife reading "The Cinderella Complex" with tears in her eyes as she realized how pathetic it is that so many women are trapped in that fairytale world perceiving themselves as needing a rescuer. The syndrome is tragic because the reality is that the Cinderella story is a myth. There is no such thing as a Prince Charming. If people want to make their lives richer then the first thing to learn is that life is a do-it-yourself job.
.
This poster then gives her "rules" which are so awful it's hard to think she means it:
.
She says:
" ... the basic rules are simple;
Don't ask for their number first or offer yours without being asked for it
Don't text or call first
Don't be the first to mention meeting up
Even after you've met stick to these rules for a while, you'll know when you can call or text at any time. ..."
.
Good heavens, is she serious? That is so old-fashioned!
.
I love meeting women who know exactly what they want and go get it. There are plenty of them out there and those are the only ones I would care to meet. First of all I can RESPECT them. In fact, I married one - a woman who proposed marriage to me, and although we are no longer married I still like and RESPECT her. I am only attracted to women who are secure enough and confident enough that they are capable of having desires - not needs, DESIRES - and acting on them.
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If any woman is too scared to call or message me to say what she wants then *yawn* she is too timid and boring to be worth my calling or messaging her. I prefer to be with people who decide what they want and GO for it.
.
Finally she says:
.
"Your not giving up any power your just allowing him the chance of feeling the "chase" ... "
.
Well, thanks a lot, sister, when I need your help to feel anything I will let you know. You are not responsible for what I feel; I am responsible.
.
 bike mad
Joined: 3/21/2006
Msg: 24
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:33:24 PM
What fra59e said.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 34
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:39:19 AM
Can't speak for others, but as for myself I am revolted by coyness.

"... the "hi, how is your week" text messages, which are just thinly veiled "hi, are you still interested" messages."

... are a major turn-off.

I do not waste time playing games, coaxing, second-guessing or reading minds.

I like people, male or female, who are honest and frank. People who (a) have desires and (b) express them honestly.

If she would like to go out and do something with me, I will respond with either a "yes" or a "no" when she says "I would like to go out with you."

If she is lacking in the courage to be straightforward then she isn't a person I have any interest in. I do not woo or pursue. Timid shrinking violets are a dime a dozen and they are boring. I like secure real people and am pleased that there are some out there. Those are the people I choose to meet when I find them.
 JadeMuse
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 35
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:49:38 PM
OP...
If you really want to find out if he is interested, you have to make a firm meeting time and/or place before the final good-bye of the original date.
You could try something along the lines of, "I had a great time with you, I'd like to see you again for coffee/dinner/whatever on, say... Thursday after work, if you are available." ** "How about 6:30, then?"

**A few possible answers:
1)"Sure! I'll see you then!"
2)"Yes, but I'll have to meet you at seven."
3)"Oh, I am busy Thursday, but Friday is good. You?"
4)"Um.... I'll have to check my schedule and get back to you on that."
^^^
1, 2, & 3 are obviously favorable...
If you get something like #4, he is trying to deflect you. He's just not that into you, and wants to let you down easy in his own way. You should move on.
He still could want to go out with you again, but don't expect it, and you won't be disappointed if he doesn't end up "getting back to you on that."
My $.02.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 38
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/5/2008 9:03:54 PM
"If she is lacking in the courage to be straightforward then she isn't a person I have any interest in. I do not woo or pursue."

"yet you expect them to chase you? lol."
............................................................................................

No no no. I do not chase and do not expect to be chased.

Life is not a hunting expedition and it is not a game. If I want to chase I will hunt deer and if I want to play games I know where to find an arcade. In personal relationships I want honest contacts of minds for sure, and maybe of bodies, and the sharing of pleasures together.

I enjoy meeting people and never hold back from expressing desires, and am grown up enough to know that people can respond with either yes or no and it's OK either way.

So I enjoy meeting others who likewise have desires and express them. People capable of saying what they want. It then gives me pleasure if I can give her what she desires and it often happens.

Notice the way I keep using words like "enjoy" and "pleasure" and "desire." I think it is a big problem for Americans that the constipated Puritans got us started wrong with the false idea that there is something bad about desiring pleasure. I enjoy life and want to be around people who are enjoying their lives too, people who have desires. And if they recognize their desires and express their desires then very often I can respond to them and enjoy reponding. No chasing in all this.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 42
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:20:37 PM
This is very depressing:
........................................................
Posted By: bella4you on 7/5/2008 1227 PM
Subject: Help- i think the rules have changed !
Message: .... I guess i am old fashioned but I don't think a lady should keep calling the guy. I think the guy should be the pursuer. There is nothing wrong with reciprocating, but if he likes you he will call. If he doesn't like you he won't. ...
.......................................................

Anybody who pursues or expects to be pursued is living in the past. I wonder if Bella expects me to arrive at her doorstep in my Stanley Steamer and gallantly bow with a sweeping wave of my top hat, kiss her hand, then chat about President Teddy Roosevelt's latest war with the Spanish. I will be sitting in the chair with the antimacassar where she was sitting to sew her "Home Sweet Home" embroidery, while the maid fixes the chamomile tea and if we mention "the war" it means the Civil War and we will play some music on the Edison gramophone, and she will ask me whether I think those awful suffrage women who want the vote should be thrown in jail.

I think modern women are much more fun. They know they are my equal and I know it too and we respect each other. There is no patronizing and no acting out of pre-set gender roles.

If she likes me she may call or I may call her. Either way is fine. I certainly will not accept the role of the one who is "supposed" to do the calling just because she and I happen to have different kinds of hormones.

This is 2008 the last time I checked a calendar, and it's way better than the Victorian era when gender roles were dictated to you by society. "Rules have changed?" I hope so. I don't want to go back to Grannie's time.
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