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 iamdjnme
Joined: 4/23/2007
Msg: 5
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My bf disappears when I have my son......Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Hey,

Yeah, agree with some of the things people have said and I think they are super true.I have dated a woman with a child before and she was very excited to introduce me to her.I had to have long talk with her about not wanting to jump into to things to fast and introduce another male into her life when it's possible that I might not be around if things didn't work out with her mother in the long run.This child's father abandoned her and I was damned if I would be that type of man if things didn't work out.

The woman I was dating didn't understand this and we stopped dating shortly after.She was bit younger than me and it was a shame we stopped seeing eachother, but I don't regret the decision I made at all.If I could of avoided the meeting and talking about it who knows how things would of worked out later on.I just didn't want to take that chance with a impressionable mind like child.

So in my experience this is not so weird, what is a bit weird is that he won't talk to you about it after 8 months.I think he is making the right moves by being very very very slow.However, talking to you about it after 8 months I think is doable.

Hope my experience helps you a bit... GL and try to talk to him.
 TragicallyHip
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 6
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:34:08 AM

Having grown up with divorced parents and experienced the "joy" of having my parents new boyfriends and girlfriends come in and out of my life, I'm a firm believer that boyfriends and girlfriends to a single parent shouldn't be around the kid much at all until it's crystal clear that it's going to be permanent--which, in your case, is probably not there at 8 months. It's just too chaotic. Some will disagree with me, but it certainly didn't do me any favors when I was a kid.


I don't disagree with you Adam, in fact, I quite agree with you. I too experienced the revolving-door of girlfriends and stepmoms when I was coming up and I have vowed that it will not be like that for my daughter. Keeping kids and dates separate is a GOOD thing as far as I'm concerned -- at least until you've determined if it's going to be long-term.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:40:58 AM
I am curious if you have known this guy a year and a half, that's 10 months before the dating, he was never around your child then? I agree that people should wait but at some point there is minimal contact. Maybe a dinner here or there. I too also agree that waiting to interact until you are engaged is disrespectful to your kid. This then makes him feel like an outsider when you are so obviously close with the SO.

Has this man expressed an aversion to meeting your son or have you not even talked about it? Have you invited him to go to a movie with you two, something that has a clear beginning and end, with little real interaction and he has turned you down?

Eight months is long enough to start spending some time with your son and if he disappears when your son is around it is either because he is being cautious or because he is a decent enough person to know that it is not going anywhere and he does not want to involve the child.

If someone is not on board with my kids I don't need them in my life so if you haven't bothered to talk about any of this with the guy, now is the time. Personally I don't see how you can be friends with someone with a kid and start dating her without having considered this but some people are retarded so talk to the guy.
 Mirage111
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 10
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 11:53:28 AM
Dating and children is always a balancing rope. When you have taken the relationship to the next level it should always be discussed with the children....after all they have voices, concerns and it is not just about you and what you want.
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 12
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 1:45:28 PM
"Perhaps he's right in not spending time with your son since if you break up the kids lose a friend as well"

This was my initial thought too. Have you talked to him about it at all?
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 13
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 4:55:03 PM
As a child of divorce, I have to say that your boyfriend's behavior is not necessarily a bad thing. My parents (mostly my father, as my mother eventually had an 8 year relationship) dated a lot after they were divorced and I was with my dad every other weekend. In hindsight, it was very confusing to me because you would like or become somewhat attached to someone and then they would be gone. I feel that it is best to bring your son and your boyfriend together when you know that he plans to be around for awhile.
 toolbelt46
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 15
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:40:17 PM
waiting 7 or 8 months or until things are guaranteed permanent??? 7/8 months is the length of time for those hollywood types to have signed 3 seperate prenuptials and be on to their fourth "soulmate". and if we all waited for guarantees of permanence, who would ever have kids in the first place?? its not when they meet the kids but, once good character has been judged, how! kids do get attached quickly so its best to just tell and act like you're friends.

if he hasn't made the effort yet, it's possible that he doesnt want the whole you, of which your kids are a big part!
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 16
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:51:11 PM
Talk to him and let him tell you his real thoughts, and not just what you may want to hear.......

Many of us come from broken homes ourselves, and remember the pain and heartache when our parents dated others, slept with them, even married them, and then moved on to the next one........

For some of us, family is very private and personal, and others are only allowed in when totally right and understood by all concerned. You seem to be looking to him for what he should do for you and your child, but maybe you need to look more to yourself and what you need to do for that child while another may be in your life.

There is no need to point fingers or accuse another in something like this, but much more to have an open and frank discussion about what is, why it is, and what should be done about it......

Just my opinion.........
 jeep8413
Joined: 7/3/2005
Msg: 17
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:33:17 AM
OP, obviously, alot of people have been in this situation. For me, the lack of respect my ex's son gave his mother that he got from his father's family made it hard for me to want to be around her little boy. It bothered me that her boy would treat her that way.

One option that I haven't seen yet is that there doesn't have to be a close relationship between your beau and your boy, as long as they can get along, most importantly depending on how long they need to be together. I haven't seen how old your son is but, and I'm going to give the extremes and you need to figure out where in the middle you are to figure out if this is an option or not. If you have a newborn, long term is that the 2 of them need to form a relationship for the next 15-20 years together. Something needs to get better if it's going to last that long. If your son is already 18 (probably not because your only 33), he will be off on his own soon and it won't be an issue.

The key is, are you willing to wait until your child is out of the picture whether it's 15 years, 10 years, maybe only 5 years or less. If not, the obvious solution is that you and your boyfriend need to talk.

Probably not much help but another thought.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 18
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:52:38 PM
I think that he is being rather thoughtful.. and he sounds like a pretty good fellow from this.. because he seems to be protecting your child from getting emotionally involved with him till he knows where this is headed.

It is difficult on children to bond with a boyfriend or girlfriend of a parent only to have them leave when they break up.
 fixitfred
Joined: 11/10/2007
Msg: 19
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:26:24 PM
Fleur had it right

Perhaps he's right in not spending time with your son since if you break up the kids lose a friend as well
If you become engaged then that's the time to spend time together
I think there are too many single mothers without much sense, their priorities are all out of whack. He's your kid, no one else's. You should be protecting and raising them not worrying about what your play partner does or thinks. When they're 18 you can do whatever the hell you want.

You already got divorced and left them minus one parent, who is now part time. On second thought yea introduce him to any guy you meet he needs to get used to losing attachments let's traumatize him further.
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 21
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:51:20 AM
its all about the sex...hmmmm
 *~MisskriS~*
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 22
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:56:42 AM
You should sit down with him and talk to him about how he feels about not just hanging out with you but with you and your son sometimes. ask him why it seems like he is avoiding coming over when its you and your little one.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 23
My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:10:26 PM
Wow you sure dont waste time; Anyways it's obvious you have some issues on choosing a good guy. You've been boyfriend and girlfriend for 8 months so it's obvious the other guy was just a fling or something.

your BF wants you; not the kid; Its not his and to be honest I would never date a person in your situation because I would wonder what were you thinking. P.S. use protection!!!!!

This relationship is probably not going to work. He's not into your past and present situation but is more into you and having sex with you.

Train wreck. You need to stop dating for a while and get your life and future straight.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
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My bf disappears when I have my son......
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:54:41 PM

It's my guess that the kid is probably misbehaving when your boyfriend is around. Whether it be out of 'jealousy' because mom hasn't established effective 'parent/child' boundaries.....or because the kid has assumed HE is the boss, and mom goes along with it.


That was my initial thought too. I've seen lots of divorced parents (both mothers and fathers), who let kids get away with bloody murder, because they feel guilty about the divorce, and the kid(s) winds up running the household. It is about establishing boundaries, and mom or dad has to clearly let the children know what is and isn't acceptable behavior. In my experience, nothing has made me lose respect for a single mom quicker than one who is overly indulgent with a badly misbehaving child. I've seen 9 year old boys call their mom a witch, tell her dinner sucks and throw mashed potatoes at her, and she just told him to eat his dinner. No wonder I didn't want to be around that too often.
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