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Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 108
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Many times too many times, I have heard spouses (both male and female), say that they should be allowed to look out side the marriage for sex because of their partners disability. That is a devastating and cruel thing to ask.

That's the element I alluded to actually in my prior post that I believe would have left anyway but the disability or chronic condition was a convenient excuse. No relationship between two people can really sustain when the focus is on "I want", "I need', "I should have"," it's my right", "you should do this for me", "if you really love me you would..." and so on.

I died on 2/20/1985 the first time and on 2/21/1985 the second time. I celebrate 2/20/1985 as my second birthday, although I actually remember dying on 2/21/1985.

Yes, the whole family is in fact injured and there's no dancing around that fact. My children alone, especially my oldest who knew her mom before and after as she was 6 at the time, will tell you to this day they were most assuredly impacted by the confusing aspects of TBI. I was injured at a time when very little was known about TBI (closed head) and my injuries to major organs alone was substantial enough that the coma period, memory loss, and more were attributed to those issues by my collection of surgeons and such. So none of us knew and yes, the fact that we did not know about the brain injury certainly impacted on relationships for me and respective committed partner(s) over the years.

While this is a slight diversion to an element of the topic, it does in fact have relevance to aspects of the topic. My ability to make sound choices in the first place in the relationship aspect was further impacted, especially in the early post-trauma phase. I remember the first time I was officially on record diagnosed with traumatic brain injury many years post trauma, I felt like Helen Keller (Patty Duke) in the movie at that precise moment she made that connection between wa-wa and the water from the pump flowing on her hand. "IT" finally had a name. "IT" has a name.

Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 109
view profile
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/13/2008 8:05:51 PM
angel, I tried to email you but I'm too young for your settings. If you have professional or personal advice, I'd love if you could talk to me one on one.
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 110
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/13/2008 9:34:16 PM
I realize that this response will be bashed totally but I am going to be blunt and honest....
I would leave him, plain and simple. I don't have the skills, nor the capacity of patience to take care of someone disabled. Mind you, I would remain his friend and make sure he was taken care of, just not by me.
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 111
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/13/2008 10:20:06 PM
I would stick with my SO if that happened. If you really love someone, it's not just the package but what's inside that really counts and unless that person insisted I get out of Dodge and I thought she really meant it, I might consider it but I doubt it seriously. I'd know that was just "pity" talking.
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 113
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/14/2008 12:05:30 AM
As someone who was struck with a chronic illness at 25, and has had to leave two relationships because the men could not handle it. I can say that love, the real thing, can ride through storms as well as it can fair weather. Fair weather is easy, when your partner is gorgeous, when there is prosperity, when the dice fly in your favour. But life is not all roses. It is real, and it is hard. Storms are tests. They make or break people, and they make or break families. If a partner is struck down in some way, it does mean they are less, it means that creativity is required. They are still the same person inside. Their personality, their dreams, it's all still there. It may take some time for it to fully reveal itself but it is there.

If you are with someone purely for looks or money, then naturally, "in sickness" they will only see the loss to themselves of either income or their gorgeous partner on their arm. If their feelings are deeper, they will see a loss of the person they loved. But that person can come back, perhaps not in the outward shape you knew, but they are still there.

I once broke up with someone who said "the passionate light I shone on the world" had gone out because of my CFS/ME. The truth was it had only dimmed, and in time that light flared again. Illness could not change it. The same qualities that made me who I was before, saw me through hard times, and has made me who I am today.

In terms of illness, being maimed, really, these are all things that would eventually happen anyway. Age is not kind. If you are with someone "you want to grow old with", well that's what illness feels like. You are old. And if it comes sooner, than there is nothing you can do about it, except cherish the time you have......

Fortunes rise and fall. Health comes and go. Beauty fails. It is the true self of a person that remains, if that is what you love, illness will not take it away. In the end, it is all we have. We have ourselves, and those we love, and those we love us.
Close your eyes. In every age there has been war, there has been depression, there have social and political factors which have drawn people apart. In those moments we as humans were the worst of what we are, and the best. But the lessons have always been that this world is artificial, forever changing, that a bullet can change your life and 100 lives in a moment. That a market can change and you can go from riches to rags. So none of it matters. It can all be removed.
If you can close your eyes and know that whether your partner was sick or well, whether they had the best or the worst job you would be with them, and they feel the same, then hold on to that, for you have found the greatest of riches.
 totally honest
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 114
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/14/2008 1:20:24 AM
Well I see a lot more women sticking by than men sticking by women the nature of them , When one spouse is intitutionalized it is very difficult alot of anticipatory greiving and greiving what was , the person who is sick changes somewhat as a self protection into being self absorbed as a survival .Sometimes they become so much so they really do not give thought to their partner , there are alot of emotional issues surrounding both. Changes in behaviors etc.women are natural care takers , men not as much three in ten is what I have observed statistically , women 8 out of ten. I think that I would like most care to be done by professionals in the buisness, I would not want a partner to struggle or end up resenting me, and definately Not doing personal cares to me that would be private and maintain dignity.I would however like them to visit once in a while but I would what them to be happy,with their life even that means they meet another to meet their needs . Depending on severity of disease process .
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 115
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/14/2008 1:32:49 AM
I don't have the skills, nor the capacity of patience to take care of someone disabled.

Nope, not going to bash you for that statement at all actually. :-) Prior to the incident that left me with a disability, I believed I could never handle being disabled in any manner. Until it happened to me. It wasn't an easy adjustment at all in the beginning but I did discover that contrary to my belief, I actually could handle it. On the patience element? Not one of my strengths at all pre-trauma yet I learned patience. I further thought I could never handle being involved with someone who was disabled, until I was blessed with a daughter who was born with a severe learning disability.

Realistically, until we find ourselves either in the situation with a partner who becomes disabled later in the relationship or we ourselves become disabled, we can only speculate what we would do in those circumstances. We really don't know what we would do until we are in the situation.

Regarding another poster's experience in relationships that failed because of the disability, I am reminded that, at least for me anyway, the biggest impact in the subsequent relationship aspect is that I had to change what was important to me in a relationship partner. While on the inside we want the same kind of relationship we did prior to becoming disabled, particularly if we don't see ourselves as "less able", our relationship needs do change and those elements do warrant fine tuning the radar a bit in line with those needs.

For example, it is a huge challenge for me in life in general because of the TBI to sustain focus and concentration when conversing with someone who's communication style is to speak at a very fast speed or an exceptionally slow speed sparing no details to get to the point. Short periods are not so much a problem for me but in a relationship with day to day extended conversations? It's going to be extraordinarily difficult for me, especially with someone who's style is talk like they're in a race to the finish line.

So whereas pre-injury this communication style was a non-issue, post-injury it is in my best interests (and that of the potential partner) that I consider a person's communication style and it's impact before entering into a committed relationship with that person. Doesn't make either a bad person, more it's adapting my expectations for lack of better terminology to be more in line with what is realistic because of the TBI.
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 116
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/14/2008 6:06:35 AM
It is so true that when one person acquires a major disability, the whole family is affected. My husband, daughter, and my cousin's family, who live down the street, were all affected my my accident in many ways. They all have shouldered extra workloads, had to change venues where we vacation and get together, and were impacted many other ways.

I credit my husband with good will and total responsibility, but it is unrealistic to say that there was no toll on him or on our relationship. The cost is that he has been transformed to some extent into a caretaker and is more of a partner who happens to be male and incidentally sleeps in the same bad, and less of a husband, certainly not a lover. He has not once said a mean thing or shirked his responsibilities, but it has changed our relationship and made him less happy and carefree. He is responsible and ethical, but I know that his heart and passion have left. It's not an easy thing to talk about with him because he feels guilty, and I have my own issues.

I guess my point is that the most caring and best behaved spouses are affected by disability, and we shouldn't pretend that they pay no cost.

Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 117
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/14/2008 8:15:29 PM

I realize that this response will be bashed totally but I am going to be blunt and honest....
I would leave him, plain and simple. I don't have the skills, nor the capacity of patience to take care of someone disabled. Mind you, I would remain his friend and make sure he was taken care of, just not by me.

If it means anything to you, I would hold nothing against you for leaving. Remember I have been in a wheelchair for 25 yrs so I think I have a right to say this to you.
The only thing I would say is this. Leave with some class and leave your SO with his dignity. If there are children involved make sure you get then some counseling so they know you did the best you could.
You are entitled to your life. If this means you are not the kind of person who can stay, don't.
I have said repeatedly it not that my ex left that bothers me as much as how she left.
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 118
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/16/2008 11:30:44 AM
This is a tough one. You can't say yes or no to this situation until you're in it. Believe me, I speak from many long years of experience.

Had someone told me on 05-02-89 that I would spend the next 17 years caring for a brain injury survivor, I'd have told them, "No way!" Well, on 05-03-89 that's exactly what I was doing.

My ex survived his first closed head injury that very morning. Over the next 15 years he survived 4 additional closed head injuries. All from various types of accidents. Each brain injury worsened the problems from the previous one and devastated my family. By the time he abandoned me in 06, he had become an acute bipolar paranoid schizophrenic with abusive tendencies. My oldest and youngest daughters both deserted the family before they were 18 because they couldn't deal with the problems any longer. The last 4 years he was around, my middle daughter and I were prisoners. We were allowed no phone, no car, no money, no mail, no visitors, no doctor visits, nothing.

From 09-98 until 04, my middle daughter survived 4 closed head injuries herself. Her problems were not as severe as my ex's (in terms of mental problems), but hers were just as devastating for my family.

To make a long story short, my middle daughter died in 06. My father died the same day she did, twelve hours later. And they shared the same birthday: Valentine's Day. My ex used our daughter's death as an excuse to abandon me.

I've spent many long hours wondering why I stayed in Hell for so many years. It's because I took my marriage vows seriously. I married him for better or worse: not better and no brain injury. I'm still wondering if that decision was a mistake.

Would I willingly become involved with someone with a brain injury? No. If the man I loved ended up with a brain injury, would I stay? Even now I can't say one way or the other. I'm ashamed to say that the chances are good I'd run for the hills. But I don't know that for sure.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 119
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/16/2008 4:29:10 PM

First, I regret that you had to experience the more extreme cumulative brain injury aspects in your ex. I actually do understand but from a different perspective as I know a number of TBI survivors and in the course of advocacy work even have the opportunity to regularly visit the Neurological Rehabilitation Center. One survivor I know who attends the same church as I reminds me a bit of how you describe your ex. Comparable behaviors. I keep him at a distance as he is prone to abusive behavior on a dime. The church actually had his neuropsychologist come in and talk the congregation to explain brain injury at a lay person's level as this young man had at that point blown up at just about everyone.

What I learned in a more professional capacity at the rehab center is that #1 wherever a person was mentally and behaviorally at the time of injury is where they pretty much stay stuck unless the nature and complexity of the injury is such that rehab is successful in that aspect and #2 - if there is any family history of mental illness in past generations, especially for a cumulative brain injury which is much more complex, the vulnerability to mental illness can in fact surface. I don't know, of course, if that is applicable to your ex-husband.

Every traumatic brain injury is different and the impact on the individual is even more different and factor in individual personalities as well as attitudes towards one's own internal struggle to make sense of a world that used to make sense yet doesn't anymore. And not diminishing your experiences at all, even medical professionals plus employers plus friends plus family automatically assume that brain injury = mentally ill when that is not generally the reality. Sometimes it is, but more often not.

No question that anyone involved with a brain injury survivor is going to have a bit different challenges than with the more visible disabilities. I would caution though not to presume that anyone who has suffered a brain injury is going to be the same as your ex. I am a traumatic brain injury survivor myself and even with my challenges, sure I at times require some accommodations but nothing drastic, I don't use my TBI as an excuse for bad behavior either.

Illustration purposes only on a more visible disability.

The first I'll call J... Paraplegic and every day I saw her at work for several months, always a smile, always something good to say and she in fact was instrumental in directing me to the right places to get my own TBI finally officially diagnosed and on record. Any man encountering her would absolutely without hesitation be honored to date her - seriously. Her heart was as beautiful as her face.

The second, I'll call B... Quadraplegic. Oh at initial conversation, one would believe him to be a well-adjusted man, independent and so on. Well during the brief period I assisted with his non-profit organization, aside from the fact that it came to my awareness that he was defrauding the public, no question that the man had psychiatric issues when I attempted to leave the premises with dignity and he nearly crushed my foot with his power chair.

My point is, all too often it's easy to over-compensate (being delicate here) when someone has a disability whether already disabled at the onset of a relationship, or if one is incurred during the relationship as a partner. Same basics apply as they would to any relationship where disability was not a consideration. The disability doesn't diminish those basics, any more than it diminishes a person's value, any more than it justifies harmful behavior.

Sophie, regardless of your personal choices going forward, you might find it helpful in putting your experience with your ex in a more balanced perspective by looking into (as a former "care-giver") some of the support groups available through the Brain Injury Association. Not to change your decision, but more to help you heal from elements of your relationship experience.

Re: prior poster's position which I absolutely concur with and that is, if one has to leave - do it with dignity and in the right way. In ALL relationships, that should apply if one or the other finds themselves unable to continue the relationship.
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 120
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/16/2008 5:10:52 PM
angelheart3 - I sure wish I could have talked to you after my ex's first injury in 89! I was so alone and there was virtually no support. I "played it by ear". I spent many long hours pouring over research material and doing my own drug research. I discovered that TBI is, at best, devastating.

When I think back over the worsening problems from the injuries, I honestly feel that dealing with the first one was the easiest. I had to teach him to dress himself, shower, wash his hair, all the things we normally take for granted. For 5 years I just followed my heart and did what I thought was best. He had frequent serious episodes of anger totally out of control. My oldest daughter was under orders that when one of those episodes surfaced, most of the time for no discernible reason, she was to take her sisters to her room, and barricade the door. As soon as he began screaming at the girls, I would scream at him and get his anger directed at me. Sometimes it was over quickly; sometimes we'd be screaming for hours on end. But my girls were safe. A neuropsychologist once asked me who told me to use that technique. I told him I just did the first thing that popped into my head.

A few years after the first brain injury, when people were curious, I would tell them that my ex was "the walking wounded". In none of his accidents did he ever have an external injury: at least not anything more than a bruise. I wonder if I might have been able to cope better if he had! The verbal, mental, and emotional abuse over the years was horrendous. The physical abuse didn't start until after the 5th injury.

Just before his 5th injury, I sustained a "minor" spinal cord injury (if there is such a thing) and spent 6 years learning how to walk again. After my injury, he had to take over everything for the family, and that's when things went down hill quickly. It became a bobsled ride to hell.

I'm hoping to put the last 24 years into perspective. I keep blaming myself for everything that happened, even though I know I did my best and helped my ex and daughter become productive again. I do guilt very well. My mother taught me. My ultimate goal is to find a way to help others. If reliving my pain can give someone a new perspective on their own life, then it will be worth it.

It took several years after the first injury for him to admit that he had problems. By the time the last injury happened, he no longer had any concept of problems he might have. He has since become a sociopath. He sees nothing wrong with hurting people. He feels no remorse for the things he does. The only person he cares about is himself. I honestly believe that he's a danger to himself and anyone he is around. He is always breaking the law. He was in jail twice. Authorities don't seem to care that he's still breaking the law. He's out there doing as he pleases and I'm praying he doesn't find me.

Thank you for your insight and understanding.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 121
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 4/16/2008 6:37:06 PM

It sounds like your ex was originally injured at a time, like when I was injured, when little was known about closed head injury and even more illusive, a simple concussion that can have permanent consequences. I was motivated to keep pressing on although I had no idea what was wrong, only that something nameless had changed - but my daughter was at horrible risk so that part of my injury that impacts on "flexibility" was a blessing in disguise in that respect although embarrassing in another respect when I lose my car in a huge parking lot convinced I'm looking in the right place for it. My injury was in 1985.

I discovered that TBI is, at best, devastating.

It can be but not always. Some aspects are in fact funny, at least to me, when I forget that I closed a patio door and 5 minutes later walk right into the door forgetting that I closed it. I do have the most creative accidents and yes, I get hurt a lot but it is what it is. I can work through with minimal difficulty the most complex problem yet get stuck on the simplest - I mean really stuck. Try having to explain a difficulty that has no name to someone else who can't see beyond the intelligence that ironically remains intact and have it be blatantly obvious that the other person either perceives that you're making excuses (NOT) or simply losing your mind (NOT) when you can't effectively articulate the difficulty. Even more interesting when the same situation wasn't a problem yesterday but is today and might not be two hours later.

The verbal, mental, and emotional abuse over the years was horrendous. The physical abuse didn't start until after the 5th injury.

Somebody along the way let your family down. Even the neuropsychologist from what you describe. However, those of us who have out of necessity regardless of one's disability are acutely aware how difficult it is to navigate the maze of needed services to even get proper and much needed services.

Just before his 5th injury, I sustained a "minor" spinal cord injury (if there is such a thing) and spent 6 years learning how to walk again. After my injury, he had to take over everything for the family, and that's when things went down hill quickly. It became a bobsled ride to hell.

I suspect he really wanted to be there for you but the reality was that he couldn't. TBI survivors, especially cumulative TBI are very stress sensitive and tire very easily. I suspect he blamed himself more than he ever blamed you. Angry, frustrated and no where to go with it - frontal lobe aspect, the main filter. Probably pervasive circuit overload on top of that. No one's fault.

I keep blaming myself for everything that happened

That you CAN stop. Blame serves no good purpose and only keeps one stuck. You did the best you could, that's what matters. So did he, regardless of who he is today - he did the best he could. How he chose to react and respond to his injuries was never within your control.

I do guilt very well. My mother taught me.

What is learned can be unlearned.

Seriously, so that you can understand better what happened and even meet other TBI survivors that are truly wonderfully caring people, as well as other care-givers - see if there is a brain injury support group in your area. Consider it part of your healing process and you'll find that you aren't so alone after the fact, and you'll also find success stories. All of that is important in sifting through your experience so you can separate what was his to own, and what was yours to own.

Feel free to email me and I can send you some links you might find helpful. Meanwhile, don't focus on him and what he is doing at this point. Now it's time to take care of you.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 122
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:33:41 PM
True, you never know how you'll respond to a situation unless it actually happens. However, I do believe strongly in commitment, and that - barring abuse or infidelity - a loving couple should stay together, come what may. So, yes, if my wife or serious girlfriend were to acquire an illness or disability, I would stand beside her, and I would hope she would do the same for me.
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 124
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/13/2010 3:07:43 AM
This happened in my marriage. My husband who was 15 years older than me got Parkinson, and he got worst and worst. We (my parents and I, where we were living) were considering putting him somewhere, because we could not take care of him anymore. My marriage became dysfunctional. His kids came and took him back home. After 5 months, I met the real love of of my life and I got a no fault divorce. I enjoyed 5 years with with the real love of my life until he left for no reason.
That's my story condensed.
Joined: 3/1/2010
Msg: 125
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:29:20 AM
I know that I would stay
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 126
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:46:14 AM
People do vow to love their significant others "for better or worse" don't they?

I suppose there's a few very superficial people who plan to love their significant other for only as long as the person is healthy and beautiful. But, I will give humanity the benefit of the doubt, and assume that those very superficial people are a minority.

I'd really like to think that most people, if they pledge their love to someone, are doing so with the intent that they would stick by the loved ones's side and support them if something tragic happened.
But, I guess some people may not actually know until it happens. Some people, who may have had the best intent to love a partner unconditionally, may suddenly find that they're not emotionally strong enough to deal with the stresses caused by a tragic injury.
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 127
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:47:10 AM
My SO has a chronic back condition which renders him unable to work at this time. He goes for surgery this Friday and we hope this will relieve his pain enough to enable him to work. I've been dating him for a year and while it's a bit scary to contemplate being with someone who may never work again, and whose physical limitations have a definite impact on our relationship, it's also true that his presence in my life is a gift. His life experiences have provided him wisdom and patience, he has a great sense of humor and even though he's in constant pain, he strives to keep as active as possible. It is tough sometimes, but I don't want anyone else; for me, who he is is more important than what he has.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 128
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 8:47:26 AM
I would like to think I'd stay in the relationship and deal with whatever probl;em came up, no matter how severe, but unfortunately, that is easy to say when you aren't actually in that position. I don't really think anyone can answer this question with certainty until he/she is faced with the situation.
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 129
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 4:48:42 PM
My wife passed away due to cancer of the colon that spread to her liver. 27 days from diagnosis to me holding her in Hospice as she slipped away to be with our daughter.

We were married slightly over 30 years. I loved her with all my heart.

I was with her every second, once the diagnosis was made. We tried to fight it, but never even got to the chemo stage. I feel lucky that she did not have any pain at the end, as in the beginning she was in pain. Time seemed so short from the doctors visit to the end..

I would have taken care of her until....

We had a great marriage and I know that she would not want me to be alone, so I am dating, and enjoying the companionship.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 130
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 5:04:47 PM
Pingshooter, I'm so sorry. Your wife was truly blessed to have had you.

I was on vacation once with a boyfriend, in Jamaica. We were walking up Dunn's River Falls, in the water, and there was a man pushing his wife up the hill on the macadam from the bottom, sweating like crazy, but they were chatting happily as he trudged his way up the hill. I was touched by that scene, and turned to my companion to say so. Before I could speak, he said "Look at that poor ba$tard.... it must really suck to be stuck with that kind of burden". That really changed my opinion of him, and that vacation was our last date.
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 131
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/14/2010 6:37:55 PM
No, love does not conquer all. Only the strongest of relationships (or the most dsyfunctional of ones) can usually endure something that alters one's life in a very significant way. People get divorced or split up sometimes just when children enter the picture. I am not sure what I would do if my SO's life or mine was drastically altered......of course some of us (myself included) would like to believe that we would never abandon someone we loved when they needed us most but until it actually happens....who knows really?

Pingshooter....I'm sorry to hear of the loss of both your wife and your daughter.
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 132
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What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/15/2010 12:23:46 AM
anonymouslyme, thank you..but I feel I am the one that was blessed.
Joined: 3/1/2010
Msg: 133
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/15/2010 4:25:25 AM
I don't know how much credibility anyone thinks I have since I am still young and a lot of people seem to think all young people are shallow. I've only been married for 7 months but I've been with my husband for nearly 4 years and although he isn't disabled per say he does have a lot of medical problems and I knew about them before we got married. I know that if he were to get in an accident or become disabled in some other form that I would stay with him because my marriage vows said in sickness and in health and for better or for worse. I love my husband dearly and those marriage vows meant something to me.
Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 134
What if your SO became disabled/chrnic condition
Posted: 7/15/2010 5:46:45 AM
A lot of people on here don't care much about talking on religious terms, including myself, but I truly believe that a strong person will do the best they can do to deal with this situation. I'ts not much different than the idea of returning favor on people who will do for the children. Most anyone would do their best, but some people are stronger than others and all you can do is forgive them if they can't meet these needs.
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