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 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 150
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or datingPage 8 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
It takes a couple of months for people to fall in love. Until then, you have no hook to keep them. Some others are crazy.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 151
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 9/28/2016 7:27:43 AM

I leave women my card and tell them if I am interested and to contact me if they are.

lol...be still my beating heart...too funny!

I know within that first meet if I would like to see them again or not....which is seldom.
At my age, I find men are either too needy or too lazy.
ymmv.
 SummmerEve
Joined: 7/6/2014
Msg: 152
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/1/2016 8:05:06 PM
well, many people think they are ready to date but actually they are not. http://beluckyinlove.net/are-you-ready-to-date/
They go on several dates and then IT HITS THEM. My point is if someone disappeared on you all of a sudden it is their problem, not yours . Plus in no way you should take it personally.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 153
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History
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/14/2016 8:51:20 PM
I think it's human nature to shot first ask questions later. Kill or be killed.
I think like the site's name says it: Plenty of fish in the sea....so it's a who cares cuz someone will be next standing in line. Kinda like the grass is greener on the other side.
I personally don't date unless I already feel a good conection. I will admit second dates are very rare. Not sure if I sabotage or am very picky.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 154
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History
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/15/2016 4:23:03 AM
Years ago I met a few guys from online and I only saw one again for a first date, if you like. He also turned out to be not desirable and I lost interest and have not bothered since. I dont think you get the cream of the crop on sites like this but I am sure once in a blue moon someone hits the jackpot. A great date may be had by one and not the other and they feel there are plenty of options and
dont bother to take it further.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 155
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/15/2016 7:59:45 AM

If there is no chemistry why bother with a second date, this kind of thing usually doesn't grow. Some people will go on a few dates hoping that the spark will ignite. It never does, in my opinion.


This is a big reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere. Many people expect instant chemistry or they lose interest. Most of the time, there isn't instant chemistry. Often because 2 people are virtual strangers. Or at least 1 person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. If there is at least some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a few more dates to see if chemistry can develop over time. I don't think the bold part of the statement is always true.


Sometimes people disappear quickly...I'm actually okei with that.
Some might think it rude, but honestly...why should you care why
someone doesn't want to get to know you.


I will agree that the disappearing act is worse when you are in an relationship. But it can still be tacky after 1-3 dates. In particular when a person expressed interest in going out on another date and later changed their mind. At least when you are upfront ( with tact ), the other person will know and can move on sooner.
 GhettoFoot
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 156
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/15/2016 3:17:34 PM

This is a big reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere. Many people expect instant chemistry or they lose interest. Most of the time, there isn't instant chemistry. Often because 2 people are virtual strangers. Or at least 1 person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. If there is at least some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a few more dates to see if chemistry can develop over time.


Very true. And just because there is chemistry on the first date or meet does not mean you're going to become a couple, or even that you'll have a second date. I've been on dates with people who I had great chemistry with but we stopped dating due to other issues that came up down the road. When it comes to dating strangers, it's all a crapshoot.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 158
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/17/2016 3:24:36 AM
^^^^^^^^^nice post.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 159
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/17/2016 7:03:03 AM

Very true. And just because there is chemistry on the first date or meet does not mean you're going to become a couple, or even that you'll have a second date. I've been on dates with people who I had great chemistry with but we stopped dating due to other issues that came up down the road. When it comes to dating strangers, it's all a crapshoot.


Agreed. People can change their mind any time for any reason. After a date, some women have said things like "you are a sweetheart", "we should go out again", "I had a great time" etc. Yet when I tried to finalize plans for another date, they wouldn't respond, suddenly claimed that we're not a match or cancelled at the last minute.
 GhettoFoot
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 161
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/18/2016 11:21:02 AM

It may well be that you felt chemistry. It may well be that you had a fun time. They however may not be feeling the same.


You're missing my point. Sometimes it's not all about them not fancying you or feeling the chemistry that you felt. What I was saying was, even if the chemistry/attraction was mutual, does not mean you're going to be compatible in the long-run. I've had mutual chemistry and attraction with men who turned out to be not a right fit for me. One turned out to be a steroid-taking alcoholic, one told me that he "wasn't looking to date anyone" AFTER we had sex, one turned out to be married! The attraction was instant & the chemistry was great with those 3 men but I've learned from the above ^^^ mistakes not to put so much stock into chemistry.

2/3 men were internet strangers initially. It's very easy to hide the fact that you're an alcoholic or married on a dating site. Had I met them in a more organic setting like school, work or through friends/family, it'd be easier to figure out those red flags before even giving them the time of day.

Re: as far as being ghosted after a date, that's just a part of internet dating. If you're dating someone you already know, that's less likely to happen.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 162
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My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/18/2016 4:03:19 PM

It happens *too* often for me to think it's just the obvious reasons. There's got to be more going on.

I agree. Far too often we hear the "He just wanted sex," where if they had sex, yep, that's all he wanted. If they didn't have sex, he didn't continue to chase her because he didn't get sex. Catch-22. Makes it easier on one's self-esteem. I chuckle thinking about guys using that faux-ego-protection logic ("Yep, (sigh), another girl just wanting sex from me... (flips hair)...").

And is there anything more frustrating, more depressing, then thinking you've met someone great and really connected, just to have the person ditch you? No wonder morale suffers around here.

Well, it's not DITCHING you... It's losing interest, which is naturally OK. And let's be honest with ourselves: If we were 'nice' about it to the other when not interested post-date, would it really make that much of an impact? No. Not when one gets too many lost-interested parties. Also: When WE are the uninterested party when the other is interested, little do we (and I include women in the 'we') realize that we came off as interested During the date. We're just trying to be nice, and make the most of the date. It's not like we're throwing ourselves on them. But we do more than we think, and they, the interested party, sees more than what's there on top of it.

Meet Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt.

They're both Cynical & Hurt. :)

By self-handicapping, Mr. Cynical and Ms. Hurt ensure that they won't be the ones to get damaged by the other person - they do the damaging first. They set up the situation to make it fail.

I can see this happening, but I don't think this is The reason why there's so many "dates went fine, he/she seemed interested, then *poof*, their interest flat-lined." What you describe is the date goes well & everything, and the other person does something to 'test' the other -- screwing things up on purpose underneath it all. Sure, if they're both Cynical & Hurt, post-great-date, I could see it really getting out of hand, although it only takes one person to mess things up.

"I'm not going to call her for a week. I'll find out if she's just a needy insecure person with issues".

Again, I don't think there's a pattern of avoiding the other person to make them chase them, then when not chased, they lash out at the other person with a "WTF". There's stories like that, but that's not the trend at all.

I think the popular reason is what I described above: He/She, is putting on a I'm-having-a-fine-time facade reflexively. They're being nice, and no, the date's not a disaster by any means. They either are clearly not interested, or maybe-ehhh -- have a couple drinks, and just make the most of it. And in the moment, they Are having a fine time. Upon rolling with things in the moment, things do reflect having grounded & solidified interest... or at least good indicators of such. The other Solidly Interested person sees this amplified, too, and has their hopes up. Then when they find out the other person's distant or growing distant after that date, they freak out that they were led on. Well, they may have been led on some out of "being nice" and just enjoying themselves.... or not even trying to be nice, but just going with the flow and living in the moment, but afterward, measuring things out and thinking "Yeah, not such a great idea," especially with better & more compatible prospects out there.

I think like the site's name says it: Plenty of fish in the sea....so it's a who cares cuz someone will be next standing in line. Kinda like the grass is greener on the other side.

Well, those are a little different of concepts. First, people do care when they're out on a date and think they hit it off with someone and that person isn't interested. Especially when right after the date they act like they are, but, oh-shucks-i'm-busy, and convincingly so, and are led on that they still Do like them when they don't. So yeah, people do care, regardless. There's another in line who could be like that. :)

Second, plenty of fish in the sea is different than the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. The latter is the one who Doesn't want a 2nd date, because they always think they can get something better, when in the end, they're just chasing their own tail (and occasionally getting some here and there - lol).
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 163
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History
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/18/2016 5:25:41 PM
^^^This is why I have a hard time dating...too confusing.
Need more wine :)
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 164
My new theory on why people disappear after a great date or dating
Posted: 10/18/2016 8:10:15 PM

It really is very simple.

They do not fancy you or see incompatibility issues that you can't.

It may well be that you felt chemistry. It may well be that you had a fun time. They however may not be feeling the same.


I'm sure this happens. But not all of the time. People can have a good time and have chemistry during a date. But later changed their mind due to various possible reasons. Maybe they had a date with another person that they liked a little bit better. Or they became unavailable to date because of other things going on in their life. Or they were married / in a relationship. Or something that was said / done after the date was a dealbreaker.
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