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 SpaceSquirrel
Joined: 4/22/2006
Msg: 34
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Unattractive people asking for picsPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
First off, I _really_ got a kick out of how many people incorrectly assumed the OP was a man. Was it just me or did most such "assumers" fall on the pro-photo side of the line?

OP: it's possible you have the cause and effect reversed here.

You ask if/why unattractive people are more likely to ask for a picture. It could be that when someone asks for a photo you unconsciously (or maybe even consciously) start thinking of them as shallow or judgmental, and that assessment of their character as unattractive begins to bleed over into your assessment of their appearance.

I imagine one could set up a randomized experiment to test this out, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to go to the effort to do so ;).

As to the quantity vs. quality question ... having attractive photos will certainly increase the quantity of responses, and particularly the quantity of low-quality "yer hot" type responses. It's not clear whether this means the "average quality" of the responses will be lower, or if there will be enough of an increase in the "high quality" responses as well. Keep in mind that the "quality" of the responses is highly subjective. To someone who is turned off by shallow or judgmental behavior (or to be PC "highly visually motivated" perhaps) responses to a profile with no photo will probably seem to be of higher quality.

To play a little devil's advocate to those who say "you've seen my photo, it's own fair that I see yours". If I posted nude photos, my home address, phone number, and bank balance then demanded the same from you, would you feel my request was justified?

No, it's not quite the same ... I'm just trying to point out that not everyone has to think exactly like you, and there can be entirely legitimate reasons for not posting a photo.

The "at least minimal attraction has to be there" argument rings a bit hollow to me as well. Visual appearance is (or at least can be) a actually a rather small part of attraction. It's just the easiest to convey via a website so people tend to lean upon too heavily (much like Doctor's putting too much emphasis on easily measured numbers like Body Mass Index and Cholesterol Levels).

Enough ranting from me for now.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 37
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:15:40 PM
Well I am afraid you have to count me in as one who likes to see a pic as well - how else can I tell it's them when I meet for coffee with them?

Everyone has a different idea of attractiveness - and different things go into making up that attractiveness - looks are only a part of it, but if the man is willing to show his pic, it is only fair that you show yours.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 45
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/10/2008 9:03:02 PM

Why is it when I am talking to an attractive person they almost never ask for a pic, or if they do it is usually after some sort of connection has already been established. On the flip side, the more unattractive the person they insist on a pic before conversing past the initial contact. Is it because they figure since they post their ugly mug for the world to see that someone without one must be even worse looking then them?


No one should have to bug you for a pic. If you don't have one posted on your profile, you should at least have one to send privately with your emails. If someone has to ask you more than once for a pic, there's a problem and it's not the person requesting the pic.

Here are some tips concerning pics though (a little bit off-topic, but important):

People who don't smile in their pics (open-mouthed smiles) usually have bad teeth.
People who only use head-shots are grossly overweight.

Keep those things in mind when you look at pics. It could save you some unpleasant surprises.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 48
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 12:10:46 AM

Second, I have had no problems at all getting dates on either this site or in the real world, so I am not bitter because I am not getting any e-mails. Most days I don't even have time to respond to all of them. And yes, I do respond to all of them. But if the first time I am contacted I am asked for a pic I politely respond that I will not be sending one to them and if that is a problem I understand. That just rubs me the wrong way. We all have our dealbreakers and that is one for me.


I don't think you're offending anyone, InsaneLogic, or striking a nerve. People may just think your response of refusing to send a pic is counter-productive. I don't show my pic on my profile either; but if a woman asks for a pic, I send one with my next email--no big deal. Who gives a crap what her reasons are for seeing the pic? I send it and I don't even worry about it because I'm not at all insecure about my looks. No one can speak specifically for you, InsaneLogic; but most of the time when someone is hesitant to share a pic (even privately through an email) that person is insecure about their appearance.

The fact that you started a thread about this shows that it is a big issue for you, whether you wish to admit it or not. Most people on here don't think twice about sharing pics, and they don't read any sinister or selfish meaning into a request for a pic. I humbly suggest that you re-evaluate your stance on this non-issue. It does come across as highly irregular on a dating site.
 aprincelyfrog
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 53
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 1:57:23 AM

And lastly, has it ever occurred to anyone why someone would not want to post a pic. It has nothing to do with the way I look. I always offer to meet someone in our first conversation to ease any fears they may have about me. I have nothing to hide. But as someone who has been involved in local government and one day has hopes to perhaps take that even further, the last thing I would want is to have my pics from a dating site, or ones I have sent privately to ever be photoshopped and used against me in a campaign. Bet no one ever thought of that , did they? When you assume things you make an a$$ out of you and me.

Paranoid delusional...

OP, get over yourself. There are all kinds of elected officials on this site... with photos posted. Personally met and went out a few times with a judge who is just one of the most exceptional people I have ever met... photo is posted.

People who don't post pics have something to hide... haven't met one yet who wasn't either butt ugly, insane, married or all three.

People who post old pics are liars.

Neither group can be trusted.

Hence: No pic, no talk. Deceitful photo... well, lets just say coffee will not be the most plesant experience you ever had.
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 60
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 5:57:56 AM
" I don't understand why someone would refuse to speak to someone because of a lack of a picture when i am willing to meet them at any time"

If history has though me anything it's to never ever under any circumstance, meet someone online without first having seen a picture or something of them. Nothing good ever comes from meeting these kind of people, It's ALWAYS a huge letdown.

If the Op thinks this is ok then maybe she should just contact guys with no picture, and refuse to accept a picture when it's offered, that way they can both surprise eact other at that first meet. I get the impression the Op want to know what the person she is meeting looks like BEFORE meeting them, yet she is not willing to do the same thing.
 footloose5
Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 61
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:17:40 AM
Ok, this is a dating site to meet people. Say you were in a club, would you make it a point to walk up to someone with a bag on their head, hiding their face? Probably not, you'd skip that person. The pic is just part of the package deal here.

I ask for pics, bottom line. We are all selling our selves here, so post a pic, unless your hiding something, and to be honest, thats the vibe it sends to me.


So, put me down as one of the "unattractive" people asking for pics................

footloose5
 kdbugg
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 63
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 7:28:34 AM
In fact, in my community, I'm pushing for separate restrooms, drinking fountains, and sections on the bus. If more people would speak out against unattractiveness, maybe the world would be a better place.
vro312
How funny is this! What is the big deal.
We ugly people have a place in the world too. (speaking for myself)
I put my mug out for anyone to see!
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 67
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:14:11 AM
foxy......You promised you would never tell........

OT.....If people will be so exact about not wanting anyone who is married to contact them, or they must be in a certain age bracket, or they must live a certain distance, then they should also be allowed to make sure that those that they communicate with have pictures as well.......

I have always been a firm believer in multiple pictures being shared in a short amount of time when doing internet connections, and using the cam if you are not going to meet for various reasons for a longer period of time.

The whole point is to take the electronics and make it reality, and that for me means pictures, cam, and meeting as soon as possible......

Just my opinion........
 aprincelyfrog
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 68
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:24:55 AM
My bad attitude and bluntness serves me well. I am not afraid to have my face match my words.

Well, OP, if you're not afraid then post a freaking picture!!!

(Oh, that's right, he has politcal ambitions and doesn't want his picture photoshopped... which means he doesn't want his behavior associated with his face... because he IS afraid!)

OP, the longer you go on the more you are going to contradict your self and the more you are going to proove my point and everyone elses points: You are either insane, married, a liar or all three.

So far... I'm betting I have two outta three nailed.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 69
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:27:22 AM
OP: If your strategy of not sending a pic before meeting dates works for you, then continue doing it. Most of us probably think that starting a thread like this is a good indication that that strategy is not working. At the very least, OP, you've already created the impression of your dating failure for most posters on the thread. For reasons which don't seem genuine nor sufficient for most, you've chosen to follow a protocol which eliminates most of your available prospects and leaves you with a very limited dating pool. Good luck to you; but as you've already found, most members aren't buying your protocol nor your rationale for it.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 74
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:30:45 AM
I would have no problem with someone asking me for a pic. But I think many people put too much emphasis on pictures. Pictures can give a general idea of what a person looks like. But you can't always tell how attractive a person is from a few still 2-d shots of them.

Also many years ago I replied to some personal ads. I would exchange a few emails with some women. Then they would ask me for my picture. I would send them my picture and I would never heard from them again. The ironic thing is that I was willing to give them a chance even though they had ( at best ) average looking photos of themselves.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 82
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/13/2008 1:49:38 AM
"You must have a photo in your profile to contact me".
Sorry, I don't respond to commands. And if you honestly think you can figure out if someone is attractive by looking at a two-dimensional rendition of that person, then you probably are a little low on EQ points so not really worth getting to know.

If you've never experienced loving a person's looks because you love that person, then you're maybe a little less wise in the ways of love than I'd prefer.

Attraction, for me, starts with the brain. If you can't think your way out of a paper bag and aren't able to express yourself well, then I don't care what you look like. I'd run off tomorrow with Billy Crystal or Ryan Stiles or Bill Nye the Science Guy because they're smart and funny and that make them attractive.

And, to the OP, generalizations are inevitably wrong. You have a theory which will not bear up under scrutiny.

Finally, I've said it in other posts and I'll say it here: there has been more than one person in my life who I may not have found attractive initially, but who became extremely attractive to me on better knowledge. I would have missed out on some great people if I'd just looked at a photo and decided not to meet them - or even if I'd gone on first meeting impression of their looks.
 KissMichelle
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 85
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/14/2008 6:19:09 PM
"I like to see who I'm corresponding with. If a guy won't cough up a picture within the first few emails exchanged, I'm going to assume he's either appearance challenged, or not single. Plus, I don't want to become attached to someone whom, upon meeting in person, I have no attraction to whatsoever. What a let-down that would be!"

I have to ditto the above sentiment! I once spent 2 weeks chat/E/phone with someone only to find out he was NOT at all how he described his self in his non picture ad...bad bad bad- not even close...on the other side tho- also spent like 10 days getting to know a guy with pics... had sunglasses on in all of them.... BECAUSE HE WAS BLIND- -he never mentioned it the WHOLE 10 days. WTH???

People think you'll fall in love with their personality and forget the fact you think they are "Appearance Challenged" (to you) when you meet them. THAT will not happen in my case! I have to be physically attracted to my date for it to get to Date #2. Period.

I tried really hard to be a 'personality only' dater- - Really- I did!! It didn't work for me... sorry.

I am not the hottest girl and I am not looking for the hottest guy ever- just someone hott TO ME... THEN, I'll see what we have in common... LOL

So- no pic after 2-3 emails, no more communication... period. And I like to meet sooner than later for the same reason - -I don't want to spend 2 weeks 'getting to know you' when there is no physical sparks... Lets meet tomorrow if there is some text chemistry... LOL
 hb111
Joined: 12/6/2007
Msg: 86
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:22:56 PM
What happens when there isn't a picture, I think, is that people imagine incredibly good looks to go with your *great* personality, and when they discover that you're just cute-average, like most people, they are terribly disappointed.


I think this is true sometimes. Sometimes a woman will form am image of what a man looks like ( or vice versa ) based on his profile and physical description of himself. If and when the man's photo doesn't exactly match than the woman's image of him, she will often lose interest.
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 87
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/14/2008 7:29:42 PM
I don't care if you are the cats meow or fugly! Anyone with a profile should have a pciture. Actually at least 2 pcitues a close up face photo and apicture showing off their bod. What;s there to hide?
 mssaigon73
Joined: 6/17/2007
Msg: 98
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:53:27 PM
Here is my dilemma with this topic. I think people should post there pictures. It helps.I know I need the visual help.I have found that everytime I meet someone who didn't have a picture posted is because they aren't 100% honest about what they look like and who they are. If you don't want ot post main pictures atleast post some private ones that you can show the person you are emailing or chatting with. It puts a person in an awkward situation when they are pushed to talk or meet with someone they don't have some idea of what they look like. Obviously pictures make this easier.
Maybe I am picky. But I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't have a picture..... but on the other hand i can't stand "modeling" pictures or cheesey pictures I.E. guys flexing....come on now!!! I like to see pictures because I like to look at someones eyes and facial features. I am hoping something will catch my eye in the picture...... a glimmer in his eyes or a devilish smile. I want Someone who will be attracted to my looks as I am to his. the sparks have to start somewhere.
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 99
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:47:27 AM
i for one tried meeting people without pics posted when i was new to online dating but very soon realized there was a good reason they did not post a pic..i only meet people i can see a pic of and talk to first..
 Brian1342
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 110
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/25/2009 5:16:51 PM
Guilty (of basing my choises strictly on looks). I am too damn sexy to post a good photo of myself. I just know my photos are terrible because the camera hates me. Uhm... out of excuses.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 119
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/26/2009 6:41:17 AM
OP beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You might think someone is butt ugly, but someone else might not think so.

I started asking for pics only cause I'm thinking safety. I want to know what the person looks like. What if something happened to me? The police ask my family "well what did he look like?" They'd sit there *shrug* "I don't know".

The guys I date don't look like celebrities or have 6 pack abs (sorry kind of a turn off for me), they are average guys who I find attractive. At one point I considered some skinny little dude at work who looks like "Where's Waldo"
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 120
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/26/2009 6:44:59 AM
True dustcloud, married people won't post a pic. They don't want their SO to see that they're on a dating site. Trust me, I see married people and people already dating quite a bit in these forums griping about the SO.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 122
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/26/2009 6:50:21 AM
sounds like someone of you base your choices strictly on looks.



Nope, but it sure helps narrow the field a bit.


After looking at the pics of the women complaining about ugly men asking for pics, the question that comes to my mind is... "Good God! Just how ugly can these guys be?"


 Ottawa_Chicklet
Joined: 8/5/2006
Msg: 125
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Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:02:50 AM
I'm gettin' "kin you take your picture down before I vomit?" Phew, I tell ya I though you cowboyz always wanted pictures. Dang.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 126
Unattractive people asking for pics
Posted: 5/26/2009 9:13:46 AM

Wanting to know how they look like before even asking their name....screams SHALLOW.


I don't think so. Physical appearance is important (Unless you are just here for friends?). If someone gets to know you a little before asking for a picture, then disappears because he doesn't like the way you look, how is that less hurtful than someone who wants to know up front whether you are physically attractive or not (to him/her)? I've tried to meet people who don't have pics up before. Once, I was pleasantly surprised. The rest of the time, it was a complete waste of my (and their) time. What kind of woman really wants a man that doesn't find her attractive?


It's not shallow to factor physical appearance into your equation for attraction. It's shallow to make one trait (Physical appearance, financial status... large penis ) the only thing you care about. If you are willing to be with someone who treats you poorly, or isn't a good match for you, because they are good looking, then yeah... That's shallow. Making physical attraction the factor that decides whether you want to get to know more about someone (romantically) or not... Not so much.
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