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 AUTHOR
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 91
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous pastPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Clearly that is precisely what she is trying to do with a profile looking for intimate encounters!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 92
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 6:55:42 AM
I see a huge problem here. And the whole thing stems out of resentment and jealousy. When you resent what another person did, particularly things that they didn't do to you, but had done in the past, it's a mute point because it has nothing to do with you and cannot be either corrected for feel sorry for such actions. Second when you are also jealous that you haven't had more previous partners, what it does is that it poisons your thinking, to the point that you are going to wish that you were not in that relationship, so eventually you may sabotage the relationship or cheat on him.

With that said. I grant the OP one thing. I have female friends. But these female friends became that after we dated and realize that there was not sexual attraction but we had other things in common. Now, a person that you had SEX with, it's a different thing. This may be someone that you no longer see as relationship material, but there is in one or they other the possibility of additional sexual attraction. So while I advocate to have friends of the opposite sex, I also advocate that one should honor how the other partner feels about having around, or having contact, with people we have slept with. I know PLENTY of women that feel very uncomfortable about this. I also know plenty of guys that while saying first that they didn't care, when it came time to make a more serious commitment, they put as a stipulation that if they should not have contact with people they slept with before, so should the woman. So, while we all may claim to be or want to be very mature about this, or "Secure", the reality is that most of the time, it's uncomfortable for our partner to keep contact with people we had sex with.

So, if your bf, wants to put his money where his mouth is, he should cut contact with the women he slept with, yet keep the ones that are simply friends. And if that takes place, the OP needs to realize that the past is in the past.
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 96
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 8:59:09 AM
Good post Outmind! I am currently in a friendship with a fellow with whom I had a very brief fling. He decided for obvious reasons that he could not continue the fling but wanted to stay in touch as friends.So far that is working well for both of us.However it is possible that we will not be able to sustain the friendship long term.Only time will tell-but for now it is good!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 97
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 9:48:43 AM
Msg.#1 :


<div class="quote"> somebody please tell me that I'm an idiot!

Yessss you are an idiot!!! How did you know that he sleep with number 30 something women ??? Of course he told you ,right??? He can not afford to get a cable TV ,to watch Soap Opera so he is making you a drama queen by disclosing his love life past..
And he was your first relationship,first kiss ect, if his kisses are like brand new and his son of a gun is working fine,(like brand new) then there is NO problem about his past....I'll take back what I said that you 're an idiot. On a second thought NAH........


<div class="quote"> How to with partner's promiscuous past

Honestly ,I would not be concern about his past , but I would be concern that he is not giving me a HIV or VD.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 98
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 10:30:31 AM

tell me that I'm an idiot!

I wouldn't call you an idiot but I do think you are putting emphasis on the wrong syllable. You admit to a certain amount of envy and seem to taking steps to defuse it. You also say that he is still in touch with his past lovers. I suggest that that part is the larger thorn in your side. You need to demand that he be rid of them. If he won't then that is an indication that he values them over you. You can't allow that. Make it either them or you and once you come to grips with your envy, you can go from there.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 99
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 10:59:55 AM

Anyone making demands like this on me would be heading for the door, sayonara.

Exactly. He may very well head for the door. That would demonstrate clearly that his indignation is more important to him than she is. He does not value her enough if these bimbos take precedence. There are very few things that she must back off for. She should not make him choose between her and being deployed to Afghanistan. She should not make him choose between her and his frail mother. Still, those things are limited and specific. She must come before a run of the mill slut or what does that make her?
 Friendly widow
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 100
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 11:08:37 AM
OP has clearly moved on from the time when this thread began. Hope she is getting a chuckle from the current posts!
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 101
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 11:17:40 AM
Yes, I understand that about you and therefore would be forced to turn away from you for your disloyalty. I would be unwilling to come in behind your genuine male friends. I concede that there are many guys who would tolerate it and would even watch you hump them and rationalize it as allowing you your personal self expression or some bs like that but the OP is a girl. She doesn't have to put up with that crap.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 102
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 11:24:31 AM
We love each other a great deal but his past is so difficult to deal with specially since he still maintains contact with some of his previous one night stand.


Sorry to be blunt , if a person loves someone he knows his moral obligation to her(/him, )for he 'll value you like his self.,for his self is the most important in his life.. He is not a child that you 'll tell him "to be rid of his one night stands or lovers, he'll automatically do it...
They way I understand your post is you 're having problem with the present not the past. Specially with yourself.

Your BF is not a good one and I believe you,,,,, but putting in black and white for strangers to degrade you
somebody tell me that I 'm an idiot!
" NOT CUTE AT ALL"
Here is the truth you attract others of what you are .. As they said >birds with the same feathers flock together..

ps
Msg. 1 I know it is a game ,you are looking for some loopholes on some postes to attack them....lol
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 103
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How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 11:41:38 AM

I just have massive trust issues with men due to past abuse so I think it's mainly me as opposed to him when it comes to issues in our relationship.


The issue seems to be yours, not his.

You have two choices;
a. Overcome it,
b. Not, and feel this way, making you and your beau totally uncomfortable and ill at ease.

Your choice. He has not abused you, why should he pay for it?
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 104
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 11:42:58 AM

I'd be focusing the conversation towards

That you would open your mouth at all means that you don't and can't make the cut. Not particularly surprising though, many women these days would prefer to be an irritation than a fit recipient of devotion. All the rage now.

Safety in numbers you have and I would gain nothing for trying to insult you. I will let it be sufficient to say that some women can value fidelity, as outmoded as it is, It is still possible for some people to empathize with it even knowing that she is not realistic about things.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 105
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 12:05:59 PM

Fidelity and trust has nothing to do with past relationships. It can be seen as an insult in itself if someone is not willing to show faith in another.

Definitely agreed on that. No argument here. The one caveat I propose is that faith in someone who refuses to discard temptation is misplaced. I would not believe an alcoholic who claims to have quit drinking if he insists on keeping a fully stocked liquor cabinet. How that applies here is that she shouldn't trust that someone gave up philandering while his sexual relations are surrounding him. For him to make a clean break with the past would be one thing but to hold on to it even with the knowledge that it disturbs her is another.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 107
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 2:17:06 PM

""Yet another very old thread brought back! Has anyone else noticed that the OP is still here-seeking intimate encounters""
YESSS HELLO PEOPLE.. I think she has perhaps EVENED the score here..
INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS!! HAhahaha...

Immaterial to the post in question. I fail to see how putting down intimate encounter disqualifies you from seeking advice over a pressing question or implies that she can't have problems of any kind. Or are you saying what many other women would be saying... putting down intimate encounter means that you do not deserve the compassion or consideration of other persons?
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 111
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 4:01:19 PM
"She probably isn't even here reading your profound ANALogies. Magicman..GET OVER YOURSELF."
No she probably isn't reading this but clearly YOU are. As I am the only source of divine truth in this universe, it would be foolhardy to try to discourage my input.
cuz her man had 30 sumthing woman is NOW advertizing for INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS... which I find somewhat ironic and COMICAL Why so? It is available as an item that may be selected on the drop down menu. Even I am allowed to select it still even though I have posted many things both old and new in the forums. If I were to speculate, I would think that she picked that in order to facilitate her access to NSA sex. Why would asking a forum question preclude her later wanting to mess around? All this intimate encounter phobia makes me think how two forumites who got together would argue:

fish#1 I'm telling everyone you settled...you...you... activity partner!
fish#2 Well I'm telling everyone that you went Dutch once you... other relationship!
fish#1 Why don't you go Talk/email someone or do you "prefer not to say"?
fish#2 That's it. You are off my favorites list and next I'm gonna block/delete you
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 113
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/1/2011 5:12:32 PM
fish#1: Go walk a beach
fish#2: Go buy a motorcycle
fish#1: You "honest" guy
fish#2: You few extra pounds
fish#1:You think you are so so confidant
fish#2: How would you like me to pee in your glass half full?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 118
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/2/2011 4:51:46 AM

I have a big heart (it balances out nicely with my big bum), I have lots of people in my life, should I abandon them all for you darling?

Every woman I've ever date, has. I come without that baggage, so I expected women who wanted to date me to lose theirs.

NOT likely. Insecurity is a massive turn off though, thats what I'd be focusing the conversation towards.

I don't see how not wanting someone to remain in contact with exes is necessarily related to insecurity. I've dated an escort before, so I'd have to say that insecurity is not alwys the issue and trying to shift the focus of the conversation is just manipulative.

Fidelity and trust has nothing to do with past relationships.

Then there is no reason to bring up fidelity and trust when discussing whether or not to sever ties with past relationships.

It can be seen as an insult in itself if someone is not willing to show faith in another.

Another person cannot insult you unless you give that person permission. In other words, if you are insulted by someone, it's because you chose to be. It's about you.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 119
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/2/2011 5:39:06 AM

I really dont get the 'baggage' comment, has everyone on here had such shitty experiences that that is what they refer to it as when talking about their past and the people in it?

My experience here has been great. I'm engaged to a woman I met here and started dating 2 years ago.

If someone is trustworthy and honest why should their past be such an issue?

Their pasts aren't a problem unless they bring their baggage from the past with them to the present.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 120
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/2/2011 10:12:45 AM

I'm happy for both you and your potential future baggage.


Preferably Samsonite, and right now Delta let's you bring the first one regardless of size for free.

That is awesome.
 wendymcp
Joined: 8/22/2009
Msg: 123
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/2/2011 12:19:54 PM
You either have to get over it or it will eat you alive! No matter how many times you bring it up or fight over it, he can't change it!! It's not like telling him to take the garbage out! It was before he met you and it wasn't done to intentionally hurt you so therefore it has absolutely nothing to do with you!! Just drop it or move on. If you love him enough to be with him, then be with him. He is going to eventually get tired of you making fights about something he did a long time ago, then y0u are going to be just another number!! But that's your choice. Relationships can't survive when one person resents the other for any reason! Just be happy that he is only with you now and take it day by day. If you feel you are just drowning you better get out of the water now!!
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 125
How to deal with partner's promiscuous past
Posted: 5/2/2011 2:29:24 PM
You find it hard to accept his past? Well, you for one would see clearly that you did (or did not do) becuae it felt right for you to do that, right? And now even though he too did what had felt right to him, you feel unfomfortable and feel you need to accept it? Remember, you are now in a league with others who have had different views and feelings on what they were ready to do so, now's the time for you to see aned face that and continue doing what feels right for you.

If his past is too much for you to deal with then, leave him and find another guy who has been with fewer women. But at the same time if you do do that, you will be sheltering yourself from life's reality and will choose to run away from personal growth.
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