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 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 5
Moving in?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I think it depends, but yeah, minimum a year. For instance, a tornado blew up my apartment in Atlanta. So no problem, I temporarily moved with my gf of 8 months. What happened? Disaster. We were not ready and clashed over many things, from what time to have dinner, go to bed or wake up. She liked to get up very early, have coffee, chill then start the day. I don't have to be at work until later, but I get up and quickly go to work. So that clashed because I was not helpful or understanding (meaning I didn't get up that early). So we ended up splitting.

So my advice, go easy. Learn about the pattern s the other person has and determine if they are for you or not, and then are you willing to change some, what do you expect your partner to compromise. This give and take, if it ends up feeling like 80/20, the relationship is going to fail or one person is going to feel cheated. So it needs to be more like a 50/50 or at least 60/40 for it to work. Now that 60/40 is not dictated by men or women, but by special needs, such as children, different shifts for work, or working on weekends. That sort of thing.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 7:16:23 AM
Minimum a year. You might be lucky and find someone who's wonderful to live with and move in in a month or something and it's all fine. However, the norm is that you don't find out about the incompatibilities until between 6 and 9 months at least and if you're already moved in, it's a huge pain to undo the process.

Living together is an art, as OutMind demonstrated. Love is easy; it's coexisting in the same space peacefully that's real difficult and that you're in love won't ensure that you live together well.

Why not take time? If you really love each other, you'll still love each other a year later plus you'll have gotten to know each other much better before merging households.
 The Artful Codger
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 8
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 8:01:08 AM
When I was younger than the OPoster ... and not nearly as cynical...er, I mean...as wise as people of my current age, I shacked up with a woman within a month of meeting her. A couple of weeks after we started doing each other. We lived together for nearly six years.

It worked great. Our pants were usually in a heap on the floor and one or the other of us was belly up for pretty much the duration.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 16
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 9:29:11 AM
Whenever you feel it's the right time for you to do it. I don't think that there's a general rule of thumb for that.

Personally, I think the sooner the better, so you can get used to your significant other's quirks while you're still head over heels for each other and find those quirks "adorable" and not "annoying".
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 20
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 10:03:14 AM
I think each couple bring their own timing and dynamic to it, but having said that, I'd say a rule of thumb is likely at least a year.

My sweetie and I are heading towards a year and we've occasionally talked about it. The thing is, we're not going to make any moves until we are both incredibly happy with the details of the "divorce".
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 10:29:51 AM

NEVER.....But he can move next door>>>>>>>>>and visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I second that - although I question that next door is a bit too close...a block over seems better.
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 26
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 1:07:30 PM
As soon as he gives me his last name.
 cenettix
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 27
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 1:08:58 PM
Never eva...Never eva...Never eva...Never eva...Never eva...
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 29
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 1:51:53 PM
Lets put it this way; I think its ridiculous to play house. The latest stats show that 87% of people that live together break up within 2 years. Why do you need to live together? There are horror stories of financial problems, people that just take off leaving house payments and leases, and it takes years to overcome. There are too many people shacking up and I think its unhealthy. Enjoy your relationship without having to move in together. Most people that live together want someone to come home too but they dont want the commitment of marriage.
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 33
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 3:45:03 PM
I have no rules about this. When I fall in love, if it feels right, I'll do it.
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 34
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 3:48:28 PM
Shacking up?? I had to look at your age when I read that term. My Uncle used to call it that and he died 4 years ago at the age of 82. You think two people who love each other and want to live together is UNHEALTHY? Wow. I don't. I've been married twice and I'm not real anxious to do that again, but I certainly see do not see any reason not to live with a man again.
 mistertwister69
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 35
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 3:57:31 PM
2 years================================================================================
 tam879
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 36
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 4:12:17 PM
Just over a year together my (now ex) g/f asked me if I thought about moving in together. I said no. We talked about it , she owns her own home as I do. I said that maybe 6 months down the road we could talk about it. Did I commit suicide by saying we should wait? Anyways I asked where would I put my stuff and she said in her basement which is also a rec room.
But, after I thought about it I would be living with her in her home, with her furniture, her things etc, etc,. I feel comfortable at home and I don`t think that I could give up everything just to move in . But now were done and I gave it more thought and man did I screw up big time. It would be nice to come home and see someone at the door.
But in a few months time after I get back from Ireland I`ll get my new dog. and I`ll have my pet meet me at the door just like the other pets I had in the past did. Don`t get me wrong I want a g/f but I have to see who wants me.
If the opportunity comes up again I won`t hesitate as long as we`re compatiable.
 tam879
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 4:13:18 PM
Just over a year together my (now ex) g/f asked me if I thought about moving in together. I said no. We talked about it , she owns her own home as I do. I said that maybe 6 months down the road we could talk about it. Did I commit suicide by saying we should wait? Anyways I asked where would I put my stuff and she said in her basement which is also a rec room.
But, after I thought about it I would be living with her in her home, with her furniture, her things etc, etc,. I feel comfortable at home and I don`t think that I could give up everything just to move in . But now were done and I gave it more thought and man did I screw up big time. It would be nice to come home and see someone at the door.
But in a few months time after I get back from Ireland I`ll get my new dog. and I`ll have my pet meet me at the door just like the other pets I had in the past did. Don`t get me wrong I want a g/f but I have to see who wants me.
If the opportunity comes up again I won`t hesitate as long as we`re compatiable.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 45
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 7:29:57 PM
Lets put it this way; I think its ridiculous to play house. The latest stats show that 87% of people that live together break up within 2 years. Why do you need to live together? There are horror stories of financial problems, people that just take off leaving house payments and leases, and it takes years to overcome. There are too many people shacking up and I think its unhealthy. Enjoy your relationship without having to move in together. Most people that live together want someone to come home too but they dont want the commitment of marriage.

The statistic was from last years forbes magazine poll polling 10000 people that have lived together with someone over the past 5 years. Several talk shows last year including Oprah, Dr. Phil and Good morning america had experts on relationships and finances talking about it. The emphasis was on the difference between households with a marriage and living together and the financial ramifications. And to be so ignorant as to say that they break up anyway is ridiculous. I'm glad I dont have that mentality. On both sides of my family for the past 100 years we've had 1 divorce so no; all relationships don't end with a breakup. the divorce rate in the U.S. is 50%; the breakup rate of people living together is 87%. Do the math. Playing house is obvious. You want someone to come home to for sex and companionship, but you dont want the commitment or the responsibility of marriage.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 46
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 7:33:55 PM
Shacking up?? I had to look at your age when I read that term. My Uncle used to call it that and he died 4 years ago at the age of 82. You think two people who love each other and want to live together is UNHEALTHY? Wow. I don't. I've been married twice and I'm not real anxious to do that again, but I certainly see do not see any reason not to live with a man again.
*************
LOL; if so many people that live together break up, then yes its unhealthy. And its funny that someone with 2 divorces thinks the way you do. Breakups are healthy then? No they are not. WOW. your justifying my thoughts exactly. People are making terrible decisions in relationships. Divorce and breakups are not healthy. sorry.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 7:40:54 PM

I'm thinking that a couple days after I've died. She can move my ashes in if she wants, or flush 'em, I won't care....

sprinkle 'em... definitely sprinkle 'em

... see, I knew you'd eventually have second thoughts on this whole living together thing-a-ma-jig, now that you've committed to it, it is just a matter of changing the dates around a titch. lmao


Divorce and breakups are not healthy. sorry.

yeppers, scares me into 2nd, 3rd and 4th thoughts.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 55
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 9:38:16 PM
Its ok; you do what you want; its a free country and I always wish people the best. But its about peoples opinions and thats what you got. I hope things work out. I really don't have any interest in you so either way I just wish people in general the best. In todays world purity and goodness is out of vogue; well I'll do my thing and you do yours. That's what makes our country. I wish you tons of luck!!
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 57
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/16/2008 9:45:36 PM
I would not spend anytime thinking about moving somone into my home. That makes it sound like having a room-mate. If I am in a serious relationship... and it lead to marriage, then and only then would it be time for us to consider who's home to move into. I am not a woman to be a "live-in".
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 63
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 4/17/2008 4:42:51 AM
Living together is an art, as OutMind demonstrated. Love is easy; it's coexisting in the same space peacefully that's real difficult and that you're in love won't ensure that you live together well.


so well put, merrylass, and outmind!

whether you believe in living together unmarried, living together married, moving in temporarily or part-time to see if you want to live together or marry.....it all comes down to how compatible you are when you are so near each other so much of the time.

and it seems to me there really are no hard and fast rules at all - for each 'couple' is so unique. i don't think any one can really tell whether you're going to do well living together or married, or not.......until you're living together! (or married)

personally, i've done it more than once - joined forces under the same roof in in the early stages of getting to know someone....but each time, it was because they were long distance relationships and there was no way to gradually spend more time together realistically.

my 'statistics'?
age 23, moved to England to be with my then sweetheart after only seeing each other 1 week over two visits after meeting in this country. result? marriage one month later lasted 9 years with two children and he's still one of my closest 'allies' in life and very dear to me.

age 37, my then sweetheart who lived 45 minutes away moved in with me part-time after spending weekends with him at his home for a year and a half. became schizophrenic life with half the week him living with me and my children, and half the week separate in our own lives. this worked in some ways very well, but after 6 years, finally the see saw tilted and I realized he was not good for me or my children. it took all those years to see our incompatibility.

age 46, moved in with my childhood sweetheart who lived 16 hours away and that lasted 4 months. (laugh)

age 49, moved once more (with my son wishing to do it also) to be with someone I met on this site who lived 8 hours away after spending as many long weekends as possible from Sep. until Christmas together - about every other weekend - before we moved in together. and that lasted 3 months and we are still close, but not romantically or geographically :) .

so, am I getting more impulsive? quicker at seeing the incompatibilities? more desperate? (giggle) maybe, but i'm just going with what my heart says and each of these relationships have been such a gift. i would honestly not change my decision to move in with any of them because I believe love will always find a way to flow if it sees a path.

i don't think anyone can really tell another where their path is - we can only share our experience and let you come to see what's meant to be for you.

one thing i have learned for me - it seems when it's more a spiritual connection, the connection lasts, no matter what - whether you are under the same roof, or not. identifying the essence of the attraction seems to be important to me - for it's not always physical that has drawn me to another.

and sometimes you can only find the source of your love by following your heart and seeing just how far it will take you (and them)....only to find, truly, the source is always within you, wherever you are.....and true compatibility to me these days is whether your love flows when you are in the company of the other....if not, the relationship will not either.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 70
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:44:26 PM
Minimum, absolute minimum would be 1 year. I'd want to know what this fella is like for all 4 seasons!
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 74
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History
Moving in?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:29:43 PM
The couple of times I moved in with someone or had them move in with me, it fell in the 4-6 month range. Maybe that was too soon, since I'm still by myself today, although the last time we were married for 3.5 years before it ended. There isn't any hard and fast rule. I've known people that moved in after a month or so and are still together and happy. I knew another couple that were together for 8 years, engaged for 3-4, but never lived together, and were split up and she had a new BF 6 weeks after the honeymoon. So who really knows!?

I don't think its so much the time frame as the realization that moving in IS a commitment. I've said before in other forums that I would never marry someone I hadn't at least lived with first, but by the same token I would never live with someone if we didn't at least have plans to get married, or make some sort of long term commitment to one another. Moving in together is a big deal, not just some trial phase where you say, "Let's see if this works." Its a step before marriage and an implied promise, at least for me, but not quite an engagement. Of course I don't ever see another long engagement in my life; if it happens again, it'll likely just be a trip to an island and come back Mr & Mrs.
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