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 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I've not done this, so I can say that I'm sure at first your kids will enjoy having their own space. HOWEVER, I think it will alienate their sibling relationship. Kids will be kids and will fight because the other is invading their space, but is it fair for them to go their separate ways to keep the peace. I think it will affect their relationship, wouldn't you want your kids to bond and interact with one another, because they can't be constantly fighting, right? Only seeing each other a few times a month is not going to make them bond over a period time, and it's not just towards your son, but in all aspects, your son won't bond much with his mother, you won't bond much with your daughter, and your son won't bond much with his sister. You will bond strongly with your son, while your ex will bond strongly with your daughter. Don't you think both son and daughter will feel unwanted by the other parent overtime due to the separation? Seeing each other a few times out of the month doesn't seem to cut it. perhaps you can have an alternate plan int he summer where both you get the kids half the summer and the other gets them the other half of summer so that the time is longer. Also consider alternate vacations where one gets both on one holiday week and then another holiday week it's the other parent's turn for them. That's my take on it.
Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/21/2008 2:12:55 PM
Deuce, my only question is what happens at the end of the 2 years when she decides she can't afford to give up the money she will be making there? That is a reality that may come to light and you have to think of now...
Other than that, it sounds to me like you all have a real working plan to make this the best situation for everyone involved although obviously not ideal.

DON'T NEGLECT TO GET IT ALL IN WRITING!!!

It is in caps to ingrain it in your brain because if she changes her mind about anything, the courts should know to the letter what has been agreed to so that she can be responsible for the cost of any changes if she is set on making them. Seriously, protect yourself!
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 8
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/21/2008 3:32:41 PM
Are you all learning sign language for your daughter's hearing problems? so that she can find a way to communicate to you guys?

Sounds like you got a good plan, I hope it goes well I can only suggest that you and your ex explain to your kids why your ex is chosing your daughter and not your son, and vice versa for you too. That way they don't have an issue with their self esteem.
 wbishop
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 11
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:45:50 PM
It seems to me that you and your ex have a good working relationship, good communication and a commitment to doing whats right for your kids. I think with all of those things going for you that in any situation your going to do fine. This particular situation while not ideal really seems to benifit all involved. Good Luck!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:22:40 AM
In a lot of cases I would advise against breaking up the kids but I think there are many positives to the situation you have described. As others have noted, I would get something in writing about how things are supposed to work in case after your X is gone she gets tired of making the effort but as she will want to see her son, I don't see her in any blocking access to your daughter.

In situations where there is a child with special needs, the other child, even if he has a very full life as your son does, feels neglected and he is probably right. As a "normal" kid and an older child his needs have probably for the last five years come secondary to his sister. Nothing for either of you to feel guilty about, that is just the way it is.

I have three "normal" kids and all of them from 9 to 16 biatch like 2-year-olds because I can't talk to all three at once, can't be in two places at once, etc. Your son will flourish with the attention he gets from you on a daily basis and the quality time he will get to spend with his mother and his sister. Rather than wanting to punch the kid for being a thorn in his side, he will likely be more patient when he is with her and appreciate her rather than focusing on all of the negatives it brings into his life.

The situation also sounds good for your daughter. She will not be breaking attachments and the situation with your X and school is ideal for her. You and your X will see that she maintains a close relationship with you and her brother.

I would also be concerned about what happens in 2 years because there is no guarantee where he will be sent after that. The guy sounds like a decent guy who cares about the kids also so I assume in two years that you will all three find a solution that works for all members of your now extended family. Get the deal in writing so that if they blindside you in two years you have on paper that the deal was supposed to be reworked to everyone's satisfaction.

I think the fact that you are amenable to this is admirable because you don't want to see your X miserable so that you can have what you want, because you recognize that a happy mom is a better mom for both the kids. You are both good parents so trust each other and go with it. Avoiding court drama is not taking the easy way out it is being smart and waiting for battles that really need to be fought. It is always better if the kids can see parents coming to a mutual agreement that is beneficial for everyone.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 25
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/23/2008 11:30:59 AM
An attorney's advice is just as salient whether in comment about a document drawn up by someone else or something he had a paralegal draft. If I was doing a case pro bono I would have no problem with the other guy doing the legwork and saving me time and money. He will still represent her adequately and the papers are very easy to draw up. I have drawn up both a petition for full custody of my stepson, which we got, and two divorces the latter with custody and child support just as it would have been drafted by an attorney. The man is not abdicating his responsibility as a parent and trying to find an equitable situation for everyone which is what all people should do and don't because they are not as concerned about their childrens' happiness as they should be.

Deuce, I was totally NOT implying that you have put him secondary in the sense I think you took it. Any older child is going to feel this way because younger ones do need more attention and even though he understands it intellectually, just as it would with any older child, there is a hurt there. All three of mine throw the you love the boys more, or my brother more, or you do everything for her, it is just normal sibling rivalry.

I think my point was more along the lines that if the kids were purely with you or purely with their mother, he is going to get the short end of the stick merely by being older. You have never seen your daughter as requiring additional attention but when it is just either parent coping most of the time by him or herself, you do what has to be done. Your son is already sucking it up, just as mine are told to suck it up when one or more of them are being difficult. It isn't fair but we don't always have the time to do things the way that we would really like to handle things.

I am wondering, and NOT in a critical way, are there ever times when your daughter has to do things to placate your son? My youngest is rarely in that position, it is usually the older two that have to adapt to him to maintain peace and most often, my daughter being told to get over it relative to one or both of her brothers because she is the eldest. He may understand these things as mine do intellectually but they are kids and their natural goal is mom and/or dad and preferably both mom and dad giving them sole attention. My point was that some good quality time with one or both parents over a length of time will probably do your son good and help him to want to do the things that you sometimes have to prod him to do now, i.e. playing with her, etc.

I think you are making the choice from the right place and that's all that matters.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45
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Splitting custody......how bad can it be for the children?
Posted: 4/23/2008 7:34:10 PM
Perfectred you are at this point violating forum rules by engaging in personal attack that is not germane to the thread and chit-chatting. You want to have a personal debate with the man, do it off-thread and while your vast legal career may have shown you that no lawyer will look at a document and advise his client on whether to sign it but draft the same identical document himself, that is horse hockey.

Attorneys look at agreements all the time that are drafted by other firms or private individuals. If there is no problem, they generally advise their clients to sign them and do not create a separate set of documents for no reason. Anyone with half a brain can go to a law library and get the standard documents for divorce, custody and child support and draft the documents by inserting their particular information where appropriate and adding text when and where it applies as is the case here. If there is a problem in the documents the attorney will advise his client to request a change be made and also not to sign the documents until they have been fully reviewed with the changes.

When we pursued custody of my stepson I produced and filed all of the documents and made sure our witnesses were in court. The papers I filed were signed by the judge awarding us custody. A lawyer was retained merely to represent us in court where his legal expertise in eliciting appropriate testimony and/or ensuring that cross was appropriate, etc. was valuable.
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