Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEX      Home login  
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 76
MEN DON'T GET MARRIED IN ORDER TO NOT HAVE SEXPage 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

If you can get her to hear it from someone without any vested interest then maybe you have a shot at getting to the real reason.
That's sad. I mean, really - I'm being genuine - that makes me sad. In the future - I should give out my number, have your wives befriend me, and then I'll be that person without the vested interest.

Don't think I haven't had these same discussions with my own friends . . . though - most of us are raving whores (just kidding) - but I will be the first to set one of my girlfriends straight when she starts these tactics. And, most of the time, that's exactly what they are . . . tactics. The times that it has been a mental or health issue - honestly, they have talked to me - but they talked to their husbands too. Their husbands were part of the support system (the biggest part, actually). But, as hard as it might have been, the wives asked for their help and got them involved. That's why I do think - if it is genuinely a mental or physical issue - by all means, the wife should say something. And if she's not saying anything - I tend to think it's more of a passive-aggressive, control game.
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 77
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:32:49 PM
I agree, but then again i am against marriage period! there's no gain in it for men.
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 78
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:46:03 PM
I think it is logical for one to conclude that too many people believe in divorce, but not enough in marriage. Because too many marriages do end in the divorce courts. In fact, in many countries, the probability of any marriage ending in divorce is greater than the probability of it being a happy one for life.

But, even so, there are marriages that do stand the test of time, and that are truly happy lifelong experiences for both spouses. However, spouses involved in such a happy marriage usually, at least in my experience, tend to have a spiritual outlook on life. They tend to rely on both logic and intuition in their decision making process. And they tend to expect life including marriage itself to confront them with challenges.

And, yet, having said the above, nothing can guarantee success either in a marriage or in any other life adventure. Some people take risks and succeed; others take the same risks and fail miserably. But a person who fails in any situation is not necessarily more foolish than a person who attempts nothing at all on the grounds that he or she might fail.
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 79
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:55:15 PM
k-lo; I should give out my number, have your wives befriend me, and then I'll be that person without the vested interest.

my recomendation would never include friends. note litefoot said; i would recomend profesional help

Telling friends is only a way to put more presure on someone who is already feeling too much presure...

its like bring home a vibator and telling ur wife that everbody has orgasms with this one!!! lets go to the bed honny and try it out!!! even if she went there with u, all that she would be thinking about would be, The Everybody VS. Her!! never tell friends if she wants to, then let her go at it!! but dont use anything that would make her feel like u were pushing...

is that clear enough for u K-lo? now come on over here and let me rub ur back..
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 80
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:55:35 PM
ok i have to leave my mark. i was once married. it might not have been the greatest but was still happy somewhat. anyhow not long after getting married sex became a luxery. lucky to have once a month. then came the stretch of 3 months then 6 months. thats when i wondered what was wrong. we sat down and talked about what may be the problem. everything was just fine. she just didnt want sex. so i thought ok then if you need to talk just speak up. remember we are in this together. a year later and still no sex. that became bothersome. but never did i once even have the thought to cheat. that kind of thing isnt in me to do so. so 3 more months later i caught her with another man. withheld sex from me but yet found with another man hmmmm. i left her cause of what i found. within a week after leaving her i found her with 4 diff guys within the same week. so i know the action in the bed with i and her wasnt lacking. just thats when i learned she wasnt ready to settle down and be grown up. she simply became a whore. haven sex with anyone she can. im glad im not with her anymore. and that was 13 years ago....

so man it would be my advice to get both sides of the story before jumping to conclusions. if your trying to be a friend or a medaitor tween these 2. just be careful and dont try and pick sides. let them both know your there for both of them. if you find that your gonna take sides then step back. cuz if you dont your gonna become an enemy to one of them....
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 81
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:56:10 PM
What is it about marriage that turns women frigid? Its So true tho, iv spoke to couple of my married female friends last night, and both of them said they RARELY sleep with their husbands, but they dont see it as a problem! i sat there shocked, there i am as a single woman, id love to have a nice man who loves me, and sleeps with me regularly and here are these women, as soon as they get a ring on their finger they just wanna sleep in separate beds and spend all their husbands money on crap!
Ungrateful sods thats all i can say.
Divorce your man if you dont want to sleep with him, and give them to us single women who may appreciate them a bit more!
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 82
view profile
Joined: 7/31/2006
Msg: 83
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:00:56 PM

is that clear enough for u K-lo?
Yes sir.

now come on over here and let me rub ur back..
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 84
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:01:13 PM
nycdoctor : Do you really feel the same way your friend feels?

The romance will not last forever. You get busy with LIFE. You have to work at a relationship to make it work. Sounds like your friend doesnt wanna have to work for it.

Have you thought that maybe he did some bone headed act that turned her off..and ..maybe he isnt entirely blameless? Youre jumping to conclusions on that. Foreplay starts way before the bed room. My mate cleaning the kitchen, or taking the children to the show is hot.

Has he thought of counceling perhaps. So, hes just going to throw the entire relationship out the window because he cant get what he wants when he wants it? Sounds childish to me.

You dont get married for sex any time ya want it..your friend isnt being realistic. And if you dont get it when you want it, you whine like a baby and the woman means so little to you that you would cheat on her because of that? Thats comical.

Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 85
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:08:03 PM

A recent friend of mine who got married is thinking of cheating on his wife....If she was having wild ass monkey sex and giving him head on a regular basis before they got married and right after he tied the knot and now all of a sudden has changed the deal without giving him an explanation, SHE is as big of a cheat as he is considering becoming. Men don't get married in order to NOT have sex. Men get married to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives.
Like the posters all say on the other threads, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! She might have a right to shut her vagina, and deny him sex, even oral sex, even kissing. But as long as he is polite to her about it, she has a responsibility to tell him. After all, if she doesn't say why, then he cannot do anything about it.

He should give her the same consideration and be honest, that he is thinking of cheating on her, because the sex is over.
He should tell he that he married her not to get sex, because he can get sex from other women before he met her and now, but to have sex with the woman he loves for the rest of his life.
He should tell her that sex is something he needs, and makes him happy, and it is something he will always pursue. He would rather pursue it with her. If she has a problem, whether physical, emotional, or mental, that prevents her wanting sex or enjoying sex, then he will take whatever measures are necessary to ensure she can have sex. But if she's just being selfish, or materialistic, then she doesn't want him, and he will find someone who does.
He should then give her 2 weeks to take her time, to get up the courage to tell him. After that 2 weeks is up, if she hasn't told him by then, he should see his lawyer, lodge a formal separation, and go out and get laid that night, 'cause if she cannot be honest when she needs to, that marriage is on very shaky ground, and she needs to re-think about her methods of communication, and until she does, it is unfair to put this guy on ice for months, maybe years, when she almost certainly won't change, since she didn't when she needed to.

Then, if she still doesn't want to explain herself as to her immaturity for not being honest with him, he should press for an annulment, under the reason that she had no intention of keeping the marriage vows that formed the basis of the marriage, and so had no intention of living in a marriage according to its terms, making it null and void.

Sex should not be used as a manipulative tool by anyone in any kind of relationship. If it wasn't a drop in libido due to a medical or psychological reason, then yes, she should walk away from the marriage and quit playing games by withholding sex on purpose.
I quite agree. But if she doesn't, then he should lodge a legal separation, and he should force her to walk away, by walking away himself.
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 86
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:11:45 PM
He wasn't saying he wanted sex to be doled out whenever he wanted it... he said that it dramatically decreased after the ring was put around her finger. Sure it's possible he did something boneheaded... he's a man... it's what we do!...

Women are crazy and men are stupid...

This works in reverse as well. I have a friend who just likes doing other things more then sex and his wife is deprived of as much as she wants. So it's not a one way street.

Two in the hand is worth one in the bush!
Joined: 11/21/2007
Msg: 87
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:15:53 PM
well the presence of a male gay gene is now beyond doubt,long term single males may indeed seek to avoid sex for this reason,but your analysis fails to make this connection

may i recommend you study the empirical evidence on the topic of the male gay gene
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 88
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:18:46 PM
I never ceased to be puzzled by some of the comments and observations made about sex, especially in marriage. Come on folks, marriage is a sexual relationship. At it's core that is an important part of what defines the relationship. Sure, there are a lot of other things involved in sharing your life with a mate, but if and when the sexual relationship breaks down, then the marriage is in bad, bad trouble.
Where did the notion come from that it's somehow just a contractual obligation? I'll pay most of the bills and take out the garbage and you do the laundry and get naked and spread your legs at least twice a week. Come on guys! Using sex in a manipulative fashion within a supposedly committed relationship is not only childish, but ultimately destructive to the relationship. If a woman says I just don't feel like it, the man will soon hear it as I don't love you anymore. I'm not going to play anymore; I'm just going to take my marbles and go home!
Sex can be and mean a lot of different things to people. It can be just exciting fun and play with a relative stranger, or an exploration and communication with someone you are getting to know, part of asking are you the one... But, in a committed relationship it's a constant renewal of that most intimate bond between lovers, I belong to you and you belong to me alone, the two of us together as a unit against all the adversity that may come into our lives.
If something changes drastically after marriage then you really need to find out what it is that went wrong. What should happen is that the sexual relationship just gets better as you get to know your partner and what pleases them. You get more comfortable with the physical part as the emotional and spiritual bond increases. Anyone who has ever made love with someone who loved them deeply and passionately in return will understand this. You need to feel safe and secure to do this, for it leaves you totally naked and exposed. Thats why having your partner be unfaithful feels like such a betrayal. “I trusted you with my very soul and ..... “ If you are not getting it at home, looking elsewhere is no solution at all. It merely increases the rift and distance between you.
I don't know what OP's problem in his marriage is due to, but I'm quite sure that if the issue isn't addressed and resolved the marriage will soon be dissolved. I actually had a similar experience once. I was briefly married to a woman who decided she just didn't see why she should have sex with me if she didn't feel like it. I never did understand all the issues between us but the marriage only lasted a few months. The real problem was not why she should do something she4 didn't want, but why she didn't want something so basic and pleasurable. Sexual issues are actually not a common problem in marriages. Women like and crave sex just as much as men, probably more so as they get older. If the sexual relationship breaks down, it's almost always a symptom of something else going wrong. A psychiatrist friend once told me that for every woman who comes through his door complaining of a sexual issue, he gets 10 who can't balance a check book.
It really shouldn't be that hard. The sexual part of a committed relationship should be the easiest part of all. Sure people have differences, fights, hurt feelings, but ultimately if you love someone you want to be close to them and there is little that makes you feel closer than making love with someone you adore. There seem to be a lot of angry frustrated people on these forums and then a few who seem to understand quite well. I'm thinking of people like K-Lo. A silly notion came to me a little while back about wedding rings. The real ceremony is not when he slips the ring on her finger in front of friends and family but rather when she slips her “ring” on his “finger”. With this ring I thee wed my love, again and again, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 89
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:23:08 PM
Haven't you heard the old joke. It goes something like the reason a bride smiles so widely and happily as she is walking down the aisle on her weeding day is because she has already given her last blow job.
Same principle as this thread. The wife stopped putting out after she got the ring, plain and simply, and all these defenders of the wife keep trying to interject new facts to explain why hubby is justifiably shut out. If Hubby is skewing the facts or omiting relevant facts then he is not going to get good collective wisdom. Based on what he says, she sounds like she got him on the hook and closed up shop on him.
My soon-to-be ex used to blame me for not wanting to have sex with me with stuff like, you are not romantic enough or you do not take me out enough. Meanwhile she's has the rare luxury of not working, though she was raising our two kids, and spending my hard earned $$$ like it is going out of style, pushing me to buy that newer bigger home she wants, and I am doing my fair share of chores on the weekends. To listen to her it was almost as if, after the marriage, sex had become something extra and was not to be expected. Before we got married she was a party girl and paid out like a broken slot machine but it did not take long after until new rules were "unilaterally" imposed by her about when I got some.
I guess I'll cash her out now. Nobody ever accused her of not being short sighted. Dude, assuming you are a decent guy and did little or nothing to make her close her legs, get out before she comes up pregnant. There is a large percentage of women that use sex as currency to get things and they take the attitude that you have to give action to get action instead of wanting to give pleasure to the man she loves for his sake.
 valla maldoran
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 90
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:46:36 PM
The breakdown and failure in a marriage is never just the fault of one person and rarely is it mostly the fault of one and not the other. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it as well.
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 91
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:48:18 PM
I love being single and will always be. May get in a relationship, but that is it, and this thread is just part of why. Partially me being as guilty as her.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 92
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:56:10 PM
I agree that cheating is not the answer but why is this guy selfish in your mind for merely wanting sex. If she is normal, sex shouldn't be a problem and she should like it unless he is an exceptionally lousy poke. I do not know if you have ever been to marriage counseling but I have been to two different counselors and most of them are bullsh*t. They only want to get you in and expose more problems than when you first walked in to keep the meter running.
Then there are no objective standards established to resolve the probelms. They merely point out each party's position on issues of disagreement and say that the those positions are not bad just different. I would have loved it if my counselor would have said to my soon-to-be-ex, "Hey, your next assignment is to F your husband's brains out every other night for the next two weeks and come back and see me" I can tell you that would have gone along way to getting us closer. Party on.
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 93
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:02:07 PM
Nope. He bought a defective product without thinking, and is now pissed because he got what he paid for after he paid for it, and it broke.

If something doesn't work, then either keep it on a shelf, or throw it away and get a new one that DOES work.

But you have to be a little slow to buy 2 toasters, and keep the broken one next to the new one.

She CAN do whatever she wants. That is life. He can also man-up and realize that it doesn't take a genius to marry for sex, and then not get sex. After all, that story has been only repeated since the beginning of human history, so he can't even use the "I didn't see this one coming" unless he is a moron (actually, I know plenty of guys that try that excuse).

So, in the end, the same old story. Gee Batman, I didn't see THAT one coming.
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 94
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:08:19 PM
OK Here it men are right...yep no doubt about it.....we just marry you and then decide sex is just not gonna happen.....It really has nothing to do with the fact you come home and plop down on the sofa and grab the remote.....or ask when is dinner ready as we are changing diapers on one baby and potty training another.......and it doesnt matter that you all of a sudden became a slob and dont pick up after yourself, and so now we have another KID. And we just love it when you dont come to bed at the same time we do because the hockey game is more important......and we are just so sorry that we fall asleep with exhaustion and when you do finally come to bed and wake us up for sex we're not even sure who you are in our stupor. And trust me it has nothing to do with the fact that you no longer tell us we look good enough to eat, and you cant wait to get us home. Oh wait we are home because we never go out any more. It's ok that you never ask if we could use a hand putting the kids to bed or help fold the last load of wash. Hey, you worked till 5 and we only worked till 4. And we dont earn as much as you so that means we're not as tired.
Yes it is all our fault and we are so sorry for being tired or pissed or feeling taken for granted.
Now just so you know this is all just ficticional. Women dont get tired we are super human. We can do it all. All men and women know this. We just dont want to give you sex. You wore us out premarriage. my marriage it was my husband who was too tired.........I WAS super human lol
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 95
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:18:51 PM
People have got to get the sex thing figured out right from the beginning of the relationship.
I don't know who is the most foolish, a woman who uses sex to win a husband or the man who falls for it. Any man who can be won over with sex, can be won over by somebody else with it too. Sex or no sex is a poor foundation for a relationship.

If you allow sex to be used as a bargaining chip or a trump card, then both men and women are equally adept at it's play . Using sex to get what you want is a losing ploy and withholding sex is a bluff which eventually looses it's effectiveness.
If you're not having sex with them, sooner or later somebody else will be. Somebody else might be even if you are.
That's the simple facts of life and it's all a matter of whether you can deal with it.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 96
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:37:25 PM
Ok... im not sure if what i read from usa culture if what the men say about their woman is true.. ...or if its ignorance towards understanding of woman.. so they just blame money/sex thing.... (i do see it alot in forums though.. )

1..i do know this however... a healthy woman.. ie medically hormones/not too tired etc... has a healthy sexdrive like males do. (well all the woman i know)
2.. if a man knows how woman are( how she responds to be sexually stimulated.. and it starts outside of the bedroom)... (they think/feel differently to males)... and relate to her in this way.... he would be getting made love too
3.. anyone who talks about sex...... with outside parties..... as oppossed to desiring to make love to the woman he loves.... well that might be his first clue..(as to why hes not getting any)
4.. ever noticed some guys seem to attract alot of woman and keep them satisfied and they go back for more and more?

5.. I learnt years ago why these men are successful with woman...(and no i wont say what this is.. but it works )

6.... theres is some things a woman cannot resist....... if a man knows these things.. he will never go without sex or making love..

7... maybe its just australian men and woman im talking about...
and if what usa men say about usa woman.. and usa woman are saying about usa men?..if these forums are true... then i have no idea....... b/c it seems very different to my experiences in life.
if he chooses to not fully committ to his marriage and communicate... and learn then he might just end up another married guy saying my wife dosent understand me.......
alot of woman can see this as,,,,hmmmm maybe you dont understand your wife.... the longer he leaves this non love making rift... the harder it will be to fix it.....
and just think if his attitude is such as stated then..... wont he have to try and please and romance a woman?... if he decides to have an affair.?
why dosent he do that to his wife?

edit... and op from what you described of this man.. he has no idea of these things im talking about..if he did.. 1 he would not think/talk/attitude as he has
and 2.... she would be putty in his hands....
lol. seduction of woman is an artform..... if men truly knew or desired to know.. they would stop shooting themselves in the foot.
and from how you describe him.. he has not developed the art..

Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 97
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:54:23 PM
Of course your 'friend' is blameless. He still romances her exactly the way he did back when they were having wild sex, doesn't he? And of course he does his share of the housework all the time. He'd never dream of leaving a mess behind him for her to clean up, would he? I just bet he's the epitome of male hero - the very man every woman would want. Such a shame that harridan can't appreciate him for his wonderful qualities.

OK, I'm making myself nauseous now. Point being, OP, that for every man whining about not getting sex, there's a woman who's overworked, tired, under-romanced, and likely unappreciated to boot. As the last poster said, some men have no trouble keeping women and getting plenty of sex - that's because they know how to treat women to keep them happy and interested.

Tell your 'friend' to have a good look at himself and be honest - is he the man who courted her? I seriously doubt it. I bet the minute the ring went on, there went all the niceties.
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 98
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:56:20 PM
galonthemt: You really gave away all our female secrets! Now that you've let the cat out of the bag, we'll never get any help around the house! Oh, wait, been there, done that, started the club and made the tee-shirts. It's a fact that married women do more housework than women of any other marital status.

The last two years of the 27 I was married to my ex, it wasn't that I didn't want to have sex, I just didn't want to have it with HIM.

It has been said that men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love. Once the man stops giving the love - paying attention to her needs, respecting her, and - OMG - appreciating her, the desire to have sex with that man withers away. So, the man doesn't get sex, she feels no love, and the cycle perpetuates itself. Time to end it.
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 99
view profile
Posted: 4/24/2008 6:07:49 PM
Wow, there were too many "nots" in that title. It hurt my brain! Obviously, these people have some issues and need to start talking and/or get some help. For all we know, he became a dictator and started making demands of her after the vows were taken. People project all kinds of things into a marriage and then no one can live up to the roles. But the short answer is, if she does not want to sleep with him, there is obviously some reason. I hope they can discuss it and get the marriage back on track.
Joined: 6/10/2006
Msg: 100
Posted: 4/24/2008 6:19:29 PM
K-Lo, thanks for your lucid insights in this thread. Such sense is not common in this day and age.

I used to think that married men were fibbing with their stories of sex being turned off like a tap within a couple years of the marriage ceremony. Over the years the anecdotal evidence has become such a mountain that it's difficult not to assume that a too large percentage have as their aim, as one poster put it, legal access to the guy's wallet. Over the years more than one married guy has told me that they were informed in no uncertain terms that once consummated the sex would be strictly rationed. They of course admitted that prior to marriage the sex was great and perhaps this is the real trap--premarital sex. I also know some very happily married couples so it's not all one-sided, but one thing they often seem to have in common besides a religious devotion their Lord is the decision to abstain from sex until after marriage.

Of course, I can already imagine the howls and jeers in response to what I wrote above. Perhaps there really is something to abstinence prior to marriage. Perhaps it forces the couple to become much more emotionally invested in each other, to really understand each other, to deeply know each other, and to form that bond of commitment that will stand the test of time. After the marriage sex becomes a reaffirmation of their true love and devotion to each other.

Over the past half century people have been convinced that sex should lead to a relationship when in fact the strongest relationships form long before sex enters the picture.