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 AUTHOR
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 222
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Domestic ViolencePage 13 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
It's one year since I first posted on this site and i continue to heal and move forward. The support that i received from readers on this thread was immense. Combined with therapy , determination and the sudden awakening and realisation that actually despite all the promises and sorry's and the daily new beginnings ( and those of you who have experienced and are experiencing domestic violence will know what i mean), that things will never change, in fact they worsen and more often than not with devastating consequences.

My heart was so broken, my soul betrayed I couldn't see a way forward. I lost everything that mattered to me. I was a mess lost at sea and i was drowning.

I encourage any woman / man who may be going through the same turmoil to read my journey. Please read the poem above and take care of yourselves. It is so good to be free at last.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 223
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:43:40 AM
It's now 18 months since i first posted here and with the help of you posters out there and many other support networks i made it through . I completed 15 months of one to one psychotherapy and am now going to my second week of group therapy which will run weekly for 2 years. It's not easy becoming your own person when you have been on the receiving end of an abuser but it can be done and it feels great.

The advice that i am seeking today is about how to deal with the following turmoils.
1. He is being released in December on licence but who knows what he is going to do as despite many millions of promises in years gone by he never took any notice of authority .

2.No one thinks that he will bother to come looking for me this time but i have started to have dreams that he is hiding at the bottom of the garden etc and its turning me into a nervous wreck. I also imagine seeing him standing there and i want to run but can't move.

3. How am i going to feel if i do see him face to face and he tries to be nice to me. As i have just started the group therapy sessions i don't trust anyone enough yet to open up.

Please help me posters.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 224
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:47:26 AM
You'll never really be rid of this man (if that is your desire) unless you begin to feel ANGER toward him. He really did a number on you. I don't know what he's in prison for, but, if it's for any sort of violent crime, be thankful he didn't kill you. I'm thinking a restraining order, an alarm system for your home (to alert you of break-ins) and a gun with a few clips by your bed are in order.
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 225
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:13:06 AM
How to react if he is nice to you?

Simple.

Ignore him and keep walking. Do not even give him the opportunity to be 'nice' to you. Do not walk by with your head down and your manner meek. Ignore him and walk by him with your head raised high and standing tall. Better yet, walk by him a give him a look of complete disdain, like he is something that you stepped in! Do it only for a few seconds and then turn back and keep going. Any time that you see him after that, ignore him. Walk by tall and proud with your head raised high and a smile on your face!

The confidence that you aquire from dealing with him from a position of strength and power will put those nightmares to bed in no time. Trust me on this one.

But I am glad to see that you have come such a looong way from the person that you were when you first started this thread.
My thoughts and prayers go with you,

Miles
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 226
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/29/2012 4:01:08 PM
It is now four and a half years since I first posted on this thread. With support and help I was able to begin the long journey to freedom. To this day I have never set eyes on my ex' my abuser'.

I read in the local newspaper that my ex had recently been released from prison again and had been found dead in his bed. I am numb with shock. Should I feel this way? Could I have helped him more? Should I feel
compassion for someone who almost destroyed me and my family. someone who once left me for dead. I am confused.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 227
Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/29/2012 6:48:30 PM
Be glad it was him and not another woman. They never change. A few can hide it, but it always rears its ugly head.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 228
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/29/2012 7:03:00 PM
Yes thank you Debydu_z. You are absolutely right!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 229
Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/30/2012 11:55:57 AM

Should I feel
compassion for someone who almost destroyed me and my family. someone who once left me for dead.

Why not? People who do violence to other people are troubled. Unfortunately sometimes no one dares extend them compassion until they are dying-or dead.
And perhaps some of your "numbness" is actually a sense of RELIEF, that you need no longer worry that he might come looking for you(when he is free to move about at will).
Cindy O
 ExoticSapphire
Joined: 12/5/2012
Msg: 230
Domestic Violence
Posted: 12/18/2012 3:15:47 AM
I am truly sorry you had to go through all that. Get yourself away from anything that reminds you of him, throw any things of his out. Throw all the photos, memories, stop visiting places. Allow yourself time to heal, time to cry, time to be angry. Your friends and family, etc, will all help you out. You will trust again but it's important you take time off to recover fully. Time will kill the memories and feelings. Then when you're ready focus on yourself, get someone else if you want. Just leave him, he will never change, not for you or anyone. It's not fair and it's not right.

Men like this are trouble and I hate/loathe men who disrespect women in any way.
Remember: stay away and keep no contact for forever if possible.
Good luck hun, hope you find the will to trust again. Not everyone is like this.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 231
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 12/18/2012 12:06:09 PM
No! There is nothing you could have done for him! Don't even think that way.
Of course you will feel shocked as he was such a large part of your past life.

Congratulations on staying away from that monster and getting counselling! Good luck with your future!
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 232
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 12/18/2012 12:08:00 PM
* double post....
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 233
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/13/2013 4:37:03 PM
Five years have passed since I first posted on this thread . I had been abused emotionally and physically for several years. Eventually with support from posters and various agencies I found the strength to stay away and put my abuser away for several years. It's not easy no matter what they have done to you because you become accustomed to the situation, like the poor bear that is released after years of being kept inside a cage. He wants to go straight back in for security , its what he has become accustomed to.

last November I read in the local paper that my abuser had been found dead in his bed and had been waiting to go to trial again. I experienced a range of emotions to couldn't care less, to dwelling on our relationship ,to being curious about why he was waiting to go to trial again and why he was dead.

Last month I found the cemetery where he lay and sat and pondered for the afternoon.

I've also seen that my original post is still being read today and hopefully helps many of you in distress or turmoil. I was left for dead myself more than once .. Would he have felt remorse, sat and pondered by my graveside after all he used to beg and plead and cry like a baby and swear that there would never be a repeat, etc, etc. I think that we all know the answer to this.

To all of you who need help, somehow find the will as it could be yourselves in the cemetery.
Love and hugs. llynass.
 JustForPhone
Joined: 9/22/2013
Msg: 234
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/14/2013 1:45:36 PM
DONT forgive them.
Don't let some RUBBISH and or ROT or...BS even that YOU READ IN SOME BOOK or saw in some "everything is beautiful if you show love" tv show make you drop your guard.
If you know what somebody did was WRONG WRONG WRONG then it WAS NOT A MISTAKE! IT WAS A PURPOSEFUL MALICIOUS ACT AND IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!
sorry people but you gotta be TOUGH in this life or evil people will overwhelm you and they just might kill you.
All your troubles and wasting your Love on some CLOWN for NAUGHT!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW when somebody has stepped over the line DONT LET SOME BEAT-UP WOMAN tell you otherwise.
If he (or she) goes off on you and you KNOW it's wrong EVEN IF IT'S ONLY ONCE may I suggest you get the **** OUT OF THERE AND NEVER COME back and cut him OUT of your life completely RIGHT AWAY before he gets more of his claws into you!!!!!
NO I DONT blame victims who go back like so many other people blame them.
BUT I do advise them, if you want to stop being a victim or minimize the damage, LEARN TO WALK OUT! AND BE ****** TOUGH ABOUT IT!!!!!
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 235
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/15/2013 6:25:06 PM
I had just come across this thread when it was resurrected. I read the whole thing from start to finish. Thank you for posting and updating. This can save the life of another person. Some people mess with a person's emotions and they end up having a hard time to leave, when they know, logically, it is the thing they must do.

I wasn't physically abused in my early 20's, but looking back, I could see signs that physical abuse lay ahead. He'd hold frozen food against my bare skin, throw ice water over the curtain when I was in the shower; tug on my hair on my temples or at the nape of my neck and say "oops! It's attached." Nothing I said, did or wore was ever good enough. I was genuinely puzzled why he was upset I left. I guess it was I took my pay check with me. We made the same amount of money, but he spent way more. It was a control thing. One day I was under his control, the next day I wasn't.

I actually felt guilty for leaving, but not guilty enough to stay. The guy tried every trick in the book: enlisting friends, stalking, constant phone calls, e-mails. I tried to be civil, but he would use obscure phrases to get me to agree with. I wouldn't, he tried physically restraining me, threats, pleas, gifts. I cut off all contact. I barely went through 1/100th what others went through, but enough to have a small glimmer of understanding of what abused people deal with. I figured I was becoming indifferent to whether I lived or died. I didn't want to become suicidal. He threatened to harm or kill himself. (He didn't do either, for the record.) It took a lot of thinking on my part, but I figured it was best he kill himself rather than me kill myself. I figured no sense trying to convince him otherwise, he never listened to what I said anyway.

Over the next few years, I found out from other people that he used to beat up his ex-wife.

It is said you can't fix stupid; I don't think you can fix psychotic either.

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 236
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/16/2013 7:25:47 AM
OP
Thanks for the update.
No, I don't find it odd that you visited the grave of your abuser.
After all, at one time you and he loved each other, even though it may not have been a "perfect" relationship.
I honestly think that your sense of compassion has helped you more than you-or anyone else!-might realize.
I don't disagree that it requires a certain degree of strength, toughness, street smarts to thrive in the world we live in today. But to completely lose ones' trust and compassion in the mistaken belief that it is necessary to do that for self defense, is-IMO-quite sad. There is such a thing, I believe, as "informed compassion".
Anyway, thanks for the update and stay strong-but don't lose your humanity.
Cindy O
 JustForPhone
Joined: 9/22/2013
Msg: 237
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/16/2013 6:24:47 PM
Always remember.
"If he hits you once, SHame on HIM!
If he hits you twice, SHame on HIM!
If he hits you three times, SHOOT HIM!

Oh I cant say that?
Oh ok I was just kiddin.

PS sorry about my 1st post. When I looked back at it, it looked like at one point I was critizing the OP or whatever you call it here. But that wasn't what I was thinking.

THREE TIMES??? SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!
No - seriously. I was just kiddin.
don't shoot him.

But if you find yourself at his grave again, with your new boyfriend, have him go Wii on it.
gotta keep them flowers watered!
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 238
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/17/2013 6:49:50 AM
Thank you for your post [JustForPhone] No new boyfriends for me for a very long time !, But I must say that your post made me smile.

I remember one episode of him threatening me with a very large saucepan and when he had finished having his fun he simply placed it on my head and walked off. I was told that I should of smashed his head with it and that was by a police officer.

In honesty I would never have been quick enough ( not that I would encourage violence ) but I wanted to say that these types of people are very good at confusing you and turning situations around , apollogising profusely, and cooking you a meal as if nothing happened. Also its not that easy to leave as I was dragged back to the house many times, chased after in my car and him screaming get out in broad daylight. He even head butted the windscreen!!!!! Thankfully someone called the police and I was rescued but it took seven officers to hold him down. Next thing you know he is back totally different personality ,saying fresh start , please love me , etc , etc. UNTIL IT HAPPENS ALL OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

If anyone reads this thread and is going through a similar situation you have to get out somehow . They do not love you. Confusing and hard to believe when they are being attentive and nice but THEY REALLY DON'T.
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 239
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/17/2013 7:42:03 AM
I figure the best thing is to ask yourself if you would do to a loved one the things they had done to you; if the answer is "no," then what they are doing is wrong.

Thank you for you posts and encouragement to others out there.

Just For Phone: I now have a mental image of Ilynass and a boyfriend sitting at the ex'es grave playing a Wii gaming system.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 240
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/17/2013 11:13:27 AM

If you are gonna stay then it must be because you are attracted to that kinda behaviour or the fact that you want to go crying to society.

With all due respect-THIS is EXACTLY the sort of attitude that causes many victims of domestic or relationship violence to either never leave or to never heal.
I suspect I have a lot more insight into domestic violence than you do, and I have to say that you seem to be one of those whose "get tough or die" attitude has over-ridden your humanity.
You have my sympathy.
Cindy O
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 241
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/18/2013 8:44:48 AM
Wow! Sobers3000: ^^^^^^^^^

You don't know anyone (male or female) that been through abuse? You are sheltered or they know your opinion on the matter and will not tell you anything, probably figuring you'd take the abuser's side.

In the first go-round, the OP was asking for input and advice. People supported and encouraged her and she got away. Now she updates, encourages and warns others and pays it forward. She got revenge on the ex before he died by doing nothing but living well.

Abusive people don't start beating on you right off the bat. The gradually increase their abuse by knocking down your self-esteem and keep you second-guessing yourself. Have you ever been unsure of something and then a third party pointed out to you what bullshit it was?

I guess if an abuser wants to mess with a person; a relative told me: you know where they sleep, and they gotta sleep sometime. She gave further instructions regarding the application of an aluminum baseball bat to the situation. 34 ounces of aluminum evens up a lot of odds.

I figure it is better to be judged by twelve than carried by six.

If a person in an abusive situation feels they cannot leave or find help; someone is gonna die or be killed. It's only a matter of time.

Update on my visual: Ilynass and JustForPhone playing golf on Wii in the cemetery and JustForPhone is wearing the loudest checkered pants you ever saw along with black and white saddle shoes.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 242
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/18/2013 2:54:41 PM
Recognising Charm Syndrome Man
by SHARON BEXLEY, femail.co.uk

'The men who abuse women may be dustbinmen, accountants, bus drivers or film producers.
'What they have in common is they are invariably the last people anyone would suspect of abusing their partners,' says Sandra Horley, Chief Executive of Refuge and author of Power and Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers.
'Charm Syndrome Man is always charming at first. He uses this charm to gain control over a woman. Once he has achieved that control, Charm Syndrome Man may or may not continue to charm his partner. But what he will always do is assert and reinforce his control by emotional and sometimes physical abuse.'
Controlling techniques
'As soon as a woman commits to him, his charming behaviour will change. He uses controlling techniques: criticism, undermining his partner's confidence, or jealousy. Because he flies into a jealous rage whenever she sees anyone close to her, she gradually sees friends and family less. Eventually, her dependence on him is complete.'
At this point, miserable though she is, a woman's confidence has been sapped to the point where she feels unable to leave. And, because Charm Syndrome Man sometimes reverts to his old charming self, the one she fell in love with, many women even feel that the abuse is their fault, that there must be something they've done to make it happen.
What Charm Syndrome Man needs most is to feel completely in control. So his outbursts of emotional or physical abuse occur when his control feels threatened.
'Of course it is possible for a man to be charming yet not to abuse women,' Sandra Horley continues. 'But in the case of Charm Syndrome Man, he uses his charm to the ultimate, because it is control over his partner that he really wants.'
Is your partner controlling you?
Sandra Horley asks women to answer these questions :
• Do you feel you have to change your behaviour to please him?
• Has your partner ever threatened you, or intimidated you by using violent language or smashing up the furniture?
• Does your partner make it difficult for you to see family or friends? Does he expect you to be with him all the time? Is he jealous or possessive?
• Does he insist that the home and children are your responsibility, and refuse to help out, even if you both have full-time jobs?
• Does he get over-involved in your life, solving all your problems in a seemingly caring way, such as getting your car repaired, filling in the tax forms, making your decisions for you - until he has undermined your independence?
• Does he frequently humiliate and embarrass you, show you up or put you in the wrong - often in front of family or friends?
• Do you feel that whatever you do you cannot seem to please him - that you cannot seem to win?
• Do you feel as though he is always trying to catch you out?
• Does he always turn conversations around to centre on himself?
• Does he always have to be right? Does he constantly criticise and blame you or others for everything that is wrong in his life, rather than accept that he might have made a mistake?
If you recognise your relationship in this checklist, then your partner is emotionally abusing you by trying to control your life.
Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers, by Sandra Horley, published by Vermilion, £7.99


If you read the accounts in this book and each one is about YOU, You will realise that your partner does not love you. It is a shock and it also an eye opener. It may hurt but at least you will be alive.

Stay safe :)
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 243
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/18/2013 3:14:07 PM
59 of 59 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book saved my heart, soul, life and sanity., 26 April 2009
By Michelle
This review is from: Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers (Paperback)
This book, shows you the truth, & the truth sets you free.
After 5 years of self doubt & confusion grasping to understand the contraditions in my relationship. When he was good he was the most amazing and charming man I have ever known, who would move mountains for me. When he & bad, he was the most leathal, abusive, sadistic, dangerous, spiteful, evil, compulsive lier, venemous, mean, vengeful almost murderously abusive person I have ever encountered, he made satan look like a walk in the park.
This book showed me clearly the big picture and what was happening to me, and why I was so confused and disempowered. Living with these people knocks the spring out of your step, flattens the fun out of your soul, wipes the smile off
your face. You feel broken, worthless, ashamed, guilty and powerless, trauma and bullying isn't the ideal setting to give you space to think clearly to empower yourself by seeing the truth. I was so naive, I really didnt know that such charming men, who claimed undying love, who begged you to stay and they would change could be so insincere and purposely plot to hurt & abuse another human being without any remorse.
It also helps you understand, be prepared, accept and deal with yet another betrayal of the social aftermath when you leave, as you watch their predictable charming behaviour seducing people to turn you against you - because after all its you thats the problem, they haven't done anything wrong and of course ... their the victim!!!
Thank god I can laugh at it now! because I'm free... to be me...

5.0 out of 5 stars it helped me get out and stay out,
By A Customer
This review is from: The Charm Syndrome: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers (Paperback)
This book was like a gift to me. I`m not yet forty but had been a battered wife for nearly twenty two years. Reading through the pages I recognised either myself or my husband on each one. He like the men described in the book can be charm personified but at the other end of the spectrum he is vicious and evil.It also explained how the dynamics of an abusive relationship work. I tried to get help many years ago but domestic violence was brushed under the carpet, kept between the four walls of the marital home. Things have come such a long way since then which this book explains. So much so that when my husband hit me last July, in the middle of a breast cancer scare, I called in the domestic violence unit who were brilliant. With the help of them, my doctor and my counsellor my daughter and I are now rebuilding our lives. I am finally free of that bully and this book gave me the strength to see it through. Sandra Horley you deserve a medal. You give women like me hope.

5.0 out of 5 stars Power and Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers,
By Donna (UK)
This review is from: Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers (Paperback)
This book is your bible if you are a victim of domestic violence. The author Sandra Horley explains why us, the victims, stay or return to our abusive partners. Sandra makes you realise that you are not alone, and , if you have left your partner, this book gives you the strength to keep away. I have read a few books by different authors but this book is a must.
Help other customers find the most helpful reviews
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STAY SAFE PEOPLE
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 244
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/18/2013 11:51:16 PM
Ilynass,

I checked out the website that had the stuff you mentioned. That is scary stuff!

Thank you for posting O.O

PS: Are you and JustForPhone gonna get in a round of golf? I don't golf. I played "Whack ****" a few times. You whack the ball and it will go anywhere but where you want it to. So you say "****!" As opposed to parachuting; "****!" Whack!

Airborne!
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 245
Domestic Violence
Posted: 10/19/2013 5:11:50 PM
My parents were married for 38 years, before I successfully convinced my mother to leave................ Grew up in a family where no one drank alcohol, where we went to church faithfully every week, attended parochial school, and my mother kept the house spotless. She was soft spoken and obedient. Believed the husband was head of the household, even as Christ is head of the church. ............I was an only child till my brother was born when I was nearly 12. At least once a week, if not more often , my mother would say, "Now (my name), just keep your mouth shut, because you know how your father gets, when he gets all riled up". I LEARNED my actions/words would protect my mother, and only sometimes protect me. I BELIEVED this was NORMAL. ............ Fast forward to age 19 when I first met the man who later would become my first husband. My father and husband were identical in every way but physical appearance and my husband was an alcoholic. Fast forward to age 26 when I moved in with this man, I became pregnant for the second time and he asked me to marry him. Two years later, with 17 stitches in my neck, from a broken beer bottle shoved in my throat, from three days earlier, I returned to our home to get clothes for myself and the kids. He sat there sober and I have never forgotten word for word what he said. "I wouldn't divorce me if I were you, because I really am a nice man. No one else will ever love you like I do". .....................?LOVE? ...I left, gave up hoping he would change, filed for a divorce, and began a soul searching journey. I read books, I joined a support group, I attended group therapy sessions, and for the next several years my emotions were on a roller coaster ride. I went to hell and back. ...........I found the light at the end of the tunnel, a sense of inner peace, and choose to never be a victim again. There is hope . Op I admire your courage, and if telling your story gives others hope, good for you.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 246
Domestic Violence
Posted: 11/8/2013 8:00:25 PM
^^^ He hasn’t been granted legal access/visitation with the children, and you must not allow him to be with them, is that it? Sounds like you need legal advice. Speak with a lawyer. And try posting in the parenting forum and the UK forum for further support.


OP, you have come through a difficult time. I’m so glad you can laugh about it now. Thank-you for telling your story.
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