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 Sphinx07rises
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 27
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History
Domestic ViolencePage 2 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
An abusive relationship becomes an addiction which affects every aspect of your life. Your not alone. It almost cost me my life the last time I left my abusive ex with my three kids. I felt so insecure and scared. I felt that everyone looked down on me because of my failed relationship as if I could have done something to fix it. I feared I'd never be able to trust another man with my heart and i'd spend my life alone. Well I'd rather be alone than in that hell again. I have found trust again but it's taken a long time. Even better is that I'm not afraid to stand alone now and fight for what is right. I went to a safe house to get away from him and it changed my life forever. I met other women who had suffered the same violence as I had, received excellent counselling, and learned to start my life over. I realized there that it wasn't me who caused the violence, I learned to love myself again, and enjoy being me. I am stronger because of my experinces. Stop going to places you went with him!!! Your torturing yourself. Constant reminders of him will only prevent the healing process from beginning. There is life after him, a far greater life. Go and find you again. You can build a better life than you had before him when you learn to believe in yourself again. Love is all around you but he has blinded that light. Shut him out and you'll see the light again. You are worth saving. You are beautiful and you can achieve freedom from hell. Believe it and the healing process will start. He doesn't deserve you, he's to blame, and he'll never change. Hold your head up and move on. It took me about a year before I communicated with my ex because he is my daughters father. I felt nothing but great that he no longer had the power to hurt me. To this day he tells me how much of a mistake he made when he lost me. The funny thing is that every one he's had a relationship with since I left has cheated on him and done all the things he falsely accused me of. The victory is mine and can be yours too.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 28
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:19:17 PM
Thanx again to all responders with words of encouragement am so grateful to you all.
Went to court yesterday and 'HE' pleaded not guilty to 4 serious charges. I therefore have to go and take the stand in July. Am terrified that if he can fool me each time then he can fool the jury as well and he may. I AM STILL GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one question....... his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 29
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:39:33 PM
Do you have reports from the hospital? Pictures to back up your claims? Records of police reports?


Of COURSE his family is going to stand up for him. They probably also think he didn't deserve to be in jail, becuase he was always such a nice little boy. Some families are blind that way.

I was in an abusive relationship. So were both of my sisters. So was one of my nieces. It's a terrible pattern to see in my own family. It takes courage to get out. I applaud you for your strength.

Don't be afraid of taking the stand. Is there a lawyer or legal aide you can talk to? Maybe someone who can help you to prepare? You are doing the right thing. Don't worry. There are plenty of programs, hotlines and support groups for victims of domestic violence. You have time to prepare. Do some research and find some people who can help you with this.

Good luck!

 capegardengirl
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 30
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:40:02 PM
canam..This is a mistake people make regarding women who have experienced domestic violence with a partner...You cant force someone to "hate" anyone.....Telling her to hate her ex isnt going to fix anything if she dosent feel that...Most women feel ambivilent about leaving even when they know its the right decision...Abusers often have many charming and redeaming qualities and strengths about them...If it was that easy to leave them and they were all one sided terrible monsters the media makes them out to be, women could have left more more easily.....But batterers are often good looking, have alot of friends, are highly skilled, intelligent, have a good job, ect....Women like the OP need support and compliments on a job well done...Not saying she needs to feel a certain way about her ex...Ive worked with many women who have been abused...They dont want people telling them how they should "feel" about their ex..They want others to shut up and LISTEN to them ..The mixed emotions dont alwasy go away...Its part of the trauma, the post traumatic stress disorder that battered women can suffer from for years or even decades...Id encourage the OP to go to a support group for battered women...The local Rape Crisis center usually runs several...Counseling centers or hospitals also have them
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 31
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 3:00:56 PM
Hate is a very strong emotion which actually hurts the person fostering it more than the abuser. Hate, IMO, still empowers the abuser.

I concur with capegardengirl. Victims don't need anyone telling them how they should feel. For one thing, their feelings have been invalidated already but virtue of the abuse. Whatever their feelings are, are their feelings. Even outside of the abuse "arena", no one has the right to dictate or impose how someone else should feel. Just a little sidebar there.



They want others to shut up and LISTEN to them

Absolutely they do. However long the abuse lasted, they weren't listened to.

The worse thing, IMO and IME, is to not listen to the victim as well as impose what they should be feeling as well as judge their actions. And, absolutely don't foster victim mentality by playing the blame game (either towards the victim or the abuser).

The best thing is to be supportive yet without being enabling, empowering without choosing the actions for them, give them the objective truth relative to that victim's needs to empower, encourage, validate with every step towards progress they take - no matter how small it is. It takes as long as it takes for a victim to transition out of the crisis aspect when leaving an abusive relationship.

Time enough later on to sift through the real work once the more immediate concerns have been resolved - and that is more a matter for support groups, individual counseling, etc to work with the individual victim directly on. In the interim, from the time the victim finds the courage to leave these situations, there are more immediate concerns such as safety, which includes tangible safety and perceived safety. To name just one of many.

The rape crisis center is an excellent suggestion actually, as one of the critical elements of abuse is violation of one's boundaries through power and control over that person. Same feelings as being raped, whether actual physical rape occurred or not. Abuse is every bit as much about power and control over the victims, as is rape. Consider the abuse victim every bit as much in crisis as rape victim, only the abuse victim experienced much more pervasive and prolonged violations.



his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation


Personally, if I were in your situation, I would obtain every medical and such record on myself during the entire period involved with this man. The advantage there is you then know what the doctor's notes are. Plus a good defense is an even better offense. Say, as an example, as a result of the stress of the abuse, one decided to go to the hospital for a respite. Also helps reconstruct any incident where you may have been physically abused and sought medical treatment.

As for his family? I wouldn't focus on their threats and he does have the right to present whatever evidence he can muster in defense of what he is charged with. That doesn't mean it will be compelling enough to diminish the charges against him. These threats and such regarding his family are intimidation tactics. The more they can get you rattled, the less effective a witness you will be. So beat them at their own game and be an effective witness when you testify. Even if they do testify, what can they really testify to?

Do you have available in your country access to a Victim Advocate? That's an invaluable support through the court process.

Meanwhile, stay strong. Be strong. Remember, his only objective is to win. That's all he wants is to win.

So - you win instead. :-) Show him he has messed with the wrong woman - get angry about his behavior and channel that anger to get you through this court issue. Nothing wrong with getting angry at all. You have every right to be angry. Just use that energy to keep you focused forward and to get you through court.

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 32
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:34:56 PM

his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation

Are there police reports and hospital records? Those will carry more weight with a jury than words from the abusers family.

Girl you need to get to work on rebuilding your own support system with YOUR family and YOUR friends.

Say this to yourself over and over...I am a rational adult human being and NO ONE has the right to abuse me in any way shape or form.

Hang in there, girl, keep us posted,we are all pulling for you. praying for you, and we KNOW you can get through this and have a MUCH better life!
Cindy O
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 33
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:55:22 PM

we are all pulling for you. praying for you, and we KNOW you can get through this and have a MUCH better life!]

ABSOLUTELY!
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 34
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:28:26 AM
You are ALL keeping me strong and i am so glad to have found this forum. I hurt inside and believe it or not i am still asking myself ''what did i do wrong''? it's rediculous isn't it! I think it's because no matter what he did to me i always believed him, always took him back etc. The minute he decides to leave thats it., comes around when he decides, etc, etc. In total control even from afar.
Particular thanks to Angelheart3.

Lesley.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 35
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 7:45:06 AM

I hurt inside and believe it or not i am still asking myself ''what did i do wrong''?


Lesley, part of the internal conflict of coming out of these abusive relationships is the feeling that you could have done something better to make the abuser stop hurting you.

The truth is, it's not about what you did wrong.

The truth is there is nothing you could have done better or different to keep the relationship and make it better. He is the only one who was capable of changing his behavior and the truth is, he didn't want to.

The truth is that whatever shaped him in his life experience to be an abuser had nothing to do with you.

The truth is that his choices of how he reacted in and out of the relationship had nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could have done that would have made a difference in the choices he made. While you were impacted personally and he lashed out at you personally, he never saw you as a person, rather an object.

The truth is you are a person, with an identity all your own. With your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own abilities, your own joys and sorrows, your own choices and so much more.


I think it's because no matter what he did to me i always believed him, always took him back etc.


You believed him because you wanted to. You hoped he would just once keep a promise. Yet the intent of his promises had a much different purpose then your best interests as a person and a much different purpose than the best interests of the relationship between you. His intent was to maintain and sustain the power and control he had over you. With that intent, he said anything he felt he needed to in order to get you to come back and keep you there.

There's an excellent book I read called "Wolves In Sheep's Clothing". Really clarifies covert aggressive behaviors quite well. A book I would absolutely recommend to anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship. A real eye opener on the subtle behaviors that are in fact aggression beneath the illusion that the person projects to be so caring and looking out for your best interests, and so on. We encounter individuals like that in every day life, not just in relationships either. The abusers actually employ covert aggressive behaviors at the onset of their relationships. Just thought I'd throw that in.

One of the best phrases I have heard in a long time was actually on one of the court shows recently relative to abusive relationships. "I love you but I love me more." Only seven words yet a powerfully empowering statement.

Lesley - love yourself more than you love him.
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 36
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/2/2008 5:31:46 PM
He is delusional and controlling. He imagines things that are not real. It is a blessing that you got to explore a career, while he served time in prison.... a quiet time for you to redefine yourself. He is in a codependent relationship with you.

You will find yourself in a peaceful, quiet world. Get a massage. Get involved in nurturing yourself. Practice meditation techniques, by taking a class, and get involved in a church, where you can meet hundreds of good people, who care about you. You will overcome EVIL with GOOD. Goodness will certainly prevail in your life. Crying is good for you. It will cleanse your soul.
 capegardengirl
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 37
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:12:21 AM
rodeo..I think you have touched on some truths that I see alot the of men showing that I once dated..It seems that if they couldnt teach me something or werent the better of the two of us, they got very uncomfortable being around me...Like they didnt know what to do with me if they couldnt control me...You could see there was pressure on me to "dumb down" and be less than myself so he could feel "masculine"...Im not a good liar or faker nor did I want to compromise my integrity so I never went there...I think it was the biggest reason I remained single for so long...I literally felt like I had to be sicker and less functional than I was in order to keep a boyfriend and I could never do that...
 capegardengirl
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 38
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:12:32 AM
rodeo..I think you have touched on some truths that I see alot the of men showing that I once dated..It seems that if they couldnt teach me something or werent the better of the two of us, they got very uncomfortable being around me...Like they didnt know what to do with me if they couldnt control me...You could see there was pressure on me to "dumb down" and be less than myself so he could feel "masculine"...Im not a good liar or faker nor did I want to compromise my integrity so I never went there...I think it was the biggest reason I remained single for so long...I literally felt like I had to be sicker and less functional than I was in order to keep a boyfriend and I could never do that...
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 39
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 3:20:29 AM
To Rodeo....... Please explain how repeatedly abusing in all sense of the word , where a person can end up losing their life ........... can justify allowing a man feeling ''masculine''.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 40
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:07:07 AM
rodeo - valid observation that certainly influence and define a man's expectations of a woman in the relationship aspect. There are many influences during childhood that define expectations for both genders though when it comes to relationships. It appears to me that in the abusive adult relationship, that the greater influence of childhood is not so much values, but the crossing of personal boundaries, lacking definition of appropriate boundaries or invalidated sense of "identity" - beneath the surface of the more obvious forms of child abuse. Not always physical in nature either, can be emotional or even mental. Sometimes so subtle that it's gray whether it's actual child abuse or not. But those "messages" do stay with the child well into adulthood.

A bit more of "my" story from a different approach:

My first abuser came from what many would argue was a very good family, not blue collar at all (not even suggesting that blue collar is lessor or greater than white collar or vice versa). One of two sons. His father identified with the brother more, and did most activities with the brother only, leaving my ex home with his mother consistently. There were also family events yet even as those were described, there were separations within the events. The mother was the stronger of the two parents emotionally and was the decision-maker in his family. Yet, my ex felt lessor as his father clearly preferred the other son to him, rarely if ever engaged in any father/son activities with my ex during his childhood. His father, although very successful in his career, was the less dominant parent to the degree that one could say he was a "wimp" or a "milk toast" as his practice was to defer all parental authority to the wife. There was no "just wait until your father gets home" in that family at all.

Of the two brothers, the one who had the father/son time was very successful in his career in cancer research, has been married to the same woman for decades - absent any abuse within their relationship. My ex conversely turned to alcoholism and abuse of other substances (via prescription fraud) to diminish his emotional pain as his male identity was quite diminished, later diagnosed as personality-disordered to the nth degree, becoming an abuser of the worse kind.

Both sons were raised with traditional values: man primary bread-winner, woman primary care-taker in the home. The brother would not even consider reacting violently (not all violence is physical) towards any human being, let alone his wife or even children. Yet my ex was another matter and as he escalated further out of control, adding fuel to the fire, his father out of guilt enabled him further by continuously bailing him out of financial consequences time and time again in adulthood. The final event that completely derailed what little self-control my ex was able to hold onto was the loss of his mother to cancer. Actually, during my marriage to him - I was the primary bread-winner (more often than not the only one employed) as well as the only one parenting our daughter.

I was 18 when I met my ex and subsequently became his second wife. He had two sons from his first marriage, one who lived with us in the beginning until I finally came to realize that the best interests of his son would be better served by living with his mother. Dynamics that were anything but healthy for any child of any gender. My ex actually agreed with that decision. However, it wasn't so black and white when our daughter was born prior to that decision about the son and in a matter of months following her birth his mother passed away. By the time she was 2 years old, the subtle changes in dynamics came to full red alert following a single incident of impropriety to the degree that I could not leave our daughter alone with him, although what I had observed was never intended for me to see. I just happened to come home earlier than expected from work that day. I convinced myself that I could contain the risk to her sufficient enough to either effect a change in him or at least until I could figure out where to live with her as rents at that time was 3/4's of my net income. Truthfully (not at all proud of this admission), wanting to believe the first option was even possible. See the victim element of control in that? Victims also exert control in these abusive dynamics.

When I placed her in day care in lieu of leaving her alone with him and implemented further strategies so that she was never with him unsupervised until I could figure out how to leave, keep her safe and stay alive in the process, I then became an obstacle that needed to be gotten rid of. He never reacted that way about his sons, but our daughter was a different matter. Quite scary when one's two year old starts talking with excitement that "Daddy says he and I are going to live together forever. Daddy says you are going to die because you are a bad person and don't really love me." By the grace of God alone, he came a hare's breath from successfully taken us both out the day before I fled with her.

My theory is that the death of his mother was the straw that broke the last connection he had with rational "thinking" in effect further convoluted with the fact that we had a female child together and it got really skewed from that point forward. I left three times, the first before her birth (physical violence toward objects and his son had turned on me - I returned as I was conflicted over the son's welfare), the second late in the year of her first birthday and the final time when she was 4. Like many of us, I wanted to believe that things would get better and we even had counseling, professionally and pastorally. The latter actually was quite contributory to my returning as they fostered my belief as well as their belief that he had in fact "changed". He did actually "change", only to "change" back when I returned with much more seriously damaging behaviors.

Back then, there were minimal resources available to those of us leaving these relationships so for me to effectively leave and stay gone, I focused on two objectives: protect and preserve the welfare of my daughter and stay alive so that I would be in a position to. By the time I did flee with her the final time, my extended family relationships were so derailed and my friends were so afraid of him that they feared for their own safety that it made leaving for good exceptionally difficult over and above fighting the internal conflict of wishful thinking and the reality of the situation. I had two significant people who helped us escape: my boss and my police-officer friend of many years. Then, enter my attorney and his wife, both of whom selflessly gave immeasurably far beyond the scope of legal representation.

So, in the context of the above example, I would argue that of greater influence than traditional male/female roles were the individual relationships between the respective parents and their children. My ex felt abandoned by his father and further diminished as a man, even though the father was in the home. Arguably, one could go so far as to say my ex was significantly emotionally abused as a child, further enabled as an adult as he was protected from the consequences of his poor choices over and over again. Since his father passed away, brother now protects him from experiencing the consequences from his actions (according to our daughter). No reported substance abuse in his family history until my ex chose it in lieu of professional help.

The rest of the story is that the brother enjoys the fruits of his labors, now retired, and my ex has lost virtually all connection with reality - still actively drinking, still driving although unlicensed, living on public assistance for a decade if not longer (source is our daughter). The crazy irony is that of the two brothers, the ex was in fact the more brilliant of the two, balanced with a healthy dose of sensitivity yet misperceived by the father as weaker because of his sensitivity. The family dynamics in his childhood completely shattered his sense of self as a result. By the time his father recognized the impact on my ex - it was far too late.

Now, he is not absolved of accountability for his actions at all by virtue of whatever influences in his childhood were the root cause of his abusive conduct as an adult. He chose how he reacted to those influences. Nor am I absolved as a former victim for how I chose to react to the influences (also an issue of convoluted boundaries) of my childhood that certainly impacted on my accountability in not seeing the red flags that were there from the very beginning. As with all learned behaviors, it isn't until we experience the consequences of our choices that we begin to discern the difference between healthy choices and unhealthy choices, and are motivated to make healthier choices. Focusing on the "why" and blame actually is a form of avoiding or deferring consequences for one's own element of choices. IMO, anyway.

Sounds harsh and even insensitive - even sounds a bit contradictory within the body of this post of mine but this is not the venue to present a full book on the intrinsic details to bring it all into focus either.

 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 41
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:04:16 PM
unfortunately i cannot message cyn1956... would like to say thanks for the words of encouragement.
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 42
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:29:40 PM
I'm sorry you landed up with a jacka$$. It'll take some time and good counsel ( close friends should suffice, if you're not down with so-called "professionals"), but yes, you will trust again. You know it's a roll of the dice in matters of the heart, but there are good guys out there, still. Anybody can be abusive. Hopefully you'll find someone who loves peace as much as you. God be with you, cuz it's a long and b1tch of a road to recouping the loss you've suffered, but you're a survivor. Eventually, survival will not be enough, and you'll want to LIVE! Live well, as that's the ultimate revenge to the miserable pr1ck you DO NOT want back!! Peace be with you! Love, Titus
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 43
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:38:21 AM
Can anyone please prepare me for being cross examined in court. I've read that the defence people try and put words into your mouth and say things in their favour. I would like to hear others experiences if possible. Thanks.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 44
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/5/2008 12:55:45 PM
llynass, as you are testifying for the "prostitution", albeit you are in a different country so it may be different. I would suggest a couple of things. Again, as I previously suggested, see if the courts there offer a victim advocate. The other thing: ask if prior to court, someone from the prosecutor's office can arrange to have to visit the courtroom and orient you to the courtroom setup.

keep in mind that the defense objective to to discredit testimony. Ask that the prosecution prepare you on what to expect on cross-examination. Keep in mind that no matter what the defense asks you, if you do not understand the question, it's ok to be truthful and say you don't understand the question. Don't volunteer information - only answer what has specifically been asked. No one can put words in your mouth. They can turn around what you said to have different meaning, i.e. so you are really sayng, blah blah blah. And you respond, no I said (repeating what you actually said)

Stick to the facts. This is not the stage to cower no matter how hard it is and not the stage to permit yourself to react to the word games of someone else twisting your words. Their objective is to diminish your credibility. Don't let them. Be strong in your emotional control, stick to the facts and don't let them distract you from the facts.

There has to be someone who can go with you to court as emotional support - please seek that out. While they can't testify for you, sometimes even having someone there to distract your thoughts from what lies ahead helps to keep keep the emotions and reactions under better control.

Remember also, that in court - your objective and purpose is to present evidence in the form of your testimony. Focus only on that - and don't worry about him. Don't look at him except if asked to identify him and beyond that, act as though he isn't even present. Any body language signals he may use - ignore them. Remember, he knows precisely which "buttons" to push to get you reactionally out of control. However, remember this also, you have as much power to not let anything he does or anything his attorney does push your buttons. No matter how scared you are, how hurt you feel - you CAN do this.

Just make the decision that you WILL do this and quite well at that.

Please explore whatever might be available to you through this process. At best, even another "victim" from the support group might be able to go with you.

OK?
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 45
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:52:18 AM
This is an update for all those who have been kind enough to give their support to me.
Apparently 'HIS' defence will be that as he left me this time that i had turned into the controller and that he was trying to mend his ways. He will say that i made the whole thing up as an act of revenge. Now i did seek help from a referral centre in these matters and i took their advice berfore making a complaint to the police. There are medical records available to show that certain things had happened but again he is going to say it was consetual. And of course his familt are going to back him up as while i was working he was crying to them that he wanted to leave me but couldn't. I used to detest them but now i see that they are as blinded by him as i was. Thats it for now and thanks again for all posts and messages left.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 46
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:15:45 AM
I have a support worker from refuge who is very good, plus i have a counsellor at the Havens. I am supposed to be on an emergency transfer list with housing as well but no word and of course the date is looming near. As his family live only 5 minutes away they delight in letting me know indirectly that they have paid for a very good barrister and that he is going to walk this time. What they don't realise is that i am shot of him and they will have to put up with him for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately i am not allowed to meet with the CPS and i will be allowed one meeting with the barrister but when i don't know.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:21:41 AM
You are so right linylo but inspite of the fact that my heart , soul and spirit were completely destroyed by him and the fact that i thought that i had to live and breathe him., even when he was in prison before ., my only concerns were that his needs were being met. I am slowly coming to terns with the situation. The refuge gave me a book called mr charm syndrome and i cried it was like reading my own life story. Things suddely make sense... like the fact that he almost killed me several times and how i minimised these attacks. The sexual abuse etc etc, Once he conducted his own trial and stood over me while questioning me. Each time he slapped me and said wrong answer!!! I thought i was mad and so did eveyone else. There is no one to turn to so you turn to him. And then he starts buying you flowers, cooking for you , swearing his undying love for you and on and on. A lady named angelheart3 said .. whatever happens in court.. i can say what i want without him being able to touch me, and i can have my day in court,but in England i don't actually think that you can say what you want! I do understand now that i was completely brainwashed and i believe that i am starting to let go.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 48
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:25:54 PM

There are medical records available to show that certain things had happened but again he is going to say it was consetual. And of course his familt are going to back him up as while i was working he was crying to them that he wanted to leave me but couldn't.


Ok, no matter what he says - you KNOW it wasn't consentual. Stick with what you know. If you are able to, might help you feel more in control of the events if you can get copies of your medical records. Just a thought - then you are better prepared. Especially, as may of us do, you might have said to the doctor that "you fell" and such. We all do that because we are afraid. Doesn't mean we gave consent to be beaten, punched, etc.

His family for certain wasn't in your home 24/7 and unless they were a "fly on the wall", they only know what he told them...right?


As his family live only 5 minutes away they delight in letting me know indirectly that they have paid for a very good barrister and that he is going to walk this time.


Ok, if you have any communication with his family - time to stop. No more contact with them of any kind. If you pass by their home, just keep walking on by as though they aren't even there. If they say anything to you, don't react to it. Walk on by and at your first opportunity, document date, time and what transpired.

As for the Barrister (or whatever it's called in UK), if you only get one shot - prepare for it. Between now and then, take out some paper and start reconstructing this relationship. even if not precise, still reconstruct the highlights as best you can. This isn't to give to the Barrister, but you help you stay focused better. Sounds like a bit of work for you, but I think you'll find it more productive than worrying about what might happen, what he and his family might say and that he might get off.

Not familiar with the process in the UK, one thing for sure though - the better you prepare, the more credible you'll present your testimony. When you're in court, listen to the question and provide the answer asked for. If you don't understand the question, I would think you should be able to say that you don't understand the question. When his attorney (or however it's called in the UK), don't get rattled and only answer to what is asked.

Do the people who are helping you know someone legally that can at least work with you a little even though not involved with the case?

Oh, and by saying what you want, I meant speak the truth. He'd be a certifiable idiot to even consider trying anything in court.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 49
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:44:10 PM
I realise you meant speak the truth... I meant that you were letting me know that i could speak as and at will without him grabbing me for once!!!! something to look forward to . As i said i'm only alowed one meeting with my barrister. I am grateful to you for all the advise and have started to focus on preparation. i think that i'm beginning to feel better. Many thanks
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 50
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:31:57 PM
Thanx for your story of courage! I was offered a place at the refuge safe house but fortunateley he is not allowed bail, so even though he may walk free in July i will have had five and a half months away from direct contact with him . I have been told that i am very high on the list for being murdered which is very scary now that i can see it. i just never saw it before. Its just a shame that the jury will not be allowed to know this.
All around me at present are memories and i get awful glares when his family see me but i just sigh and keep going. Am waiting to be relocated to a different borough. Am so pleased that you are doing a university course... you will really enjoy it. Good luck to you and your children.
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