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 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 51
Domestic ViolencePage 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

I think men find it hard to admit that they have or are being abused.


Possibly a contributing factor, but I think more of a barrier is the the fear of not being believed. We see and hear a lot about women being abused in relationships, and there have been increasingly more support systems (at least in the US) available to women. Yet, when a man is in an abusive relationship, much harder to even be validated as the victim of abuse, ergot - not as easy to leave let alone get any charges brought against the abuser. So it seems anyway. Yet some situations where the man is the victim are as horrible for them as it is the women victims.

Hopefully, more men will be afforded the same options and supports that women are as more of them speak out. Abuse isn't specific to any gender, regardless of the type of abuse. Yet, IMO, still to a larger degree, men are perceived the stronger of the two, even though strength is really a perception. Although, only a male victim can really attest to what the barriers are there. Just my opinion.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:45:21 PM
To lonely mommy.. I have put up with everything you have and more.. I have even gone so far as deliberately messing things up in court by pleading for him by insisting that there is a part of him that is so worthwhile and wonderful.... until his next outburst. i wrote to the authorities insisting about our human rights to be in touch with each other until we were. And so on and so forth. He went to prison 4 times. 2of them for a long stretch.Each time he promised faithfully to change and to trust him. He would threaten suicide if i left him etc etc. I've been thrown down the stairs while trying to protect my dog because '' he was snoring delierately to annoy him''. I've been dragged around the bedroom by my hair , had the sheets pulled off me ( was never allowed to wear night clothes) or was told that i was being rediculous and had a complex about my body). If i was tired after a shift at work it was too bad..... was being a selfish ****! i've been dragged accross the floor andhad the skin ripped off my elbows. As one lady said we are so conditioned to the isolation and them thinking for us and constantly controlling us that we can no longer think for ourselves. For example... i have been without him for four months now as he is on remand awaiting trial and i actually had a panic attack when i woke up this morning as i was by myself. i am determined to get over him... i will end up in the mortuary otherwise and so will you. please look after yourself and seek help. I never ever thought that i could be without him... i am and although its hard i'm getting there. i can't say that i don't feel inside that i still love him... but its not him that i love..its who i want him to be. I could never close the door on him when he was standing there saying ''please love me'' but you have to because they are ill. I was miscarrying and he punched me in the stomache and said '' how dare you lose my baby''... This stuff is not even the half of it and i am going to court to hear his family saying that i'm a liar and whats more they have collected me from hospital with stitchesin my head when he accidently kicked the bathroom door open knowing i was behind the door. what did i do ? I told the police yes it was an accident , he didn't mean it.!!! Please get out of that relationship before something terrible happens to you. you will get a lot of support.... the community police will put you in touch with the right people. Please keep in touch....
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/10/2008 9:21:42 AM
I'm feeling everything that you' described. I'm becoming paranoid and eaten up with all the stuff that he's done to me. How dare he do that to me.... and i don't know where to turn or who i can trust anymore. i even think that i've spoken to the devil's advocate. I feel like i'm having a breakdown.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 55
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/10/2008 10:47:08 AM
llynass...this might also help. I can't recall who spoke these words to me but they helped me with the "love conflictedness".

"He doesn't love the me the way I need to be loved."

Keep talking as you are, all of your communication about this is empowering. Every feeling you feel, every conflict within yourself, even the part that hopes he'll be the person he was when you met - all of that is the way we all felt. Talking about it frees you of these emotions that your circumstances made it necessary to internalize to survive your circumstances. The talking helps you separate what is really true from the lies and mind games. It also strengthens you and clears your head of the mixed messages between what you have been fed to be true by him, and what you know to be true in that small little voice inside of you.

Things will get better. Won't be a fast getting better yet they will get better.

We all beat ourselves up about the things we shoulda coulda woulda done differently, only the truth is, we never had control over what the abuser did. It was never about us, but about him.

Keep doing what you're doing. Already, even though you are frightened and anxious about the future, you are in fact much stronger as you are posting than you were at the onset. Reward you for that, even if it's only a bubble bath, ice cream, walk in the park - whatever thing you enjoy. Every little step forward, do something you enjoy just for you.

 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/11/2008 7:02:10 AM
My soul continues to hurt but the words of comfort and support help more than you all know. I do know though that for every woman/man who has been through what we have there is a rattlesnake out there who feeds off what our ex's have done to us and wants us to die that bit more. What they don't realise is that they too have fallen for the same old story line that we once fell for!
Thankyou big time to all who have shared their experiences as only those who have suffered in isolation know what some people are capable of.
Iwatched a programe about a cult following and it is a similar experience as you believe totally what you are fed each day because thats all you are exposed to day in day out. The shock and disbelief at finding out your life has been a lie can be too much.
Take care everyone.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL MUMS OUT THERE.x
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 57
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:03:57 PM

Iwatched a programe about a cult following and it is a similar experience as you believe totally what you are fed each day because thats all you are exposed to day in day out.


That's why isolation is so prevalent in the abusive relationship. You hit the comparison spot on.


The shock and disbelief at finding out your life has been a lie can be too much.


It can be too much at first, although I prefer to use the term "illusion" rather than "lie". The good news is that once you recognize the illusion for what it is, you begin to step away from wishful thinking and begin the baby steps to shape your life the way you want it to be.

You have everything you need to do just that.

Happy Mother's Day also!
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 58
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/13/2008 5:22:01 AM
I am trying to move forward.... baby steps of course. I have this feeling in the pit pf my stomache that is constantly there... I can't decribe it.. it dosn't hurt ..but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can anyone empathise?
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:23:45 AM
Message to DVEX...Thankyou for sharing your story and I will be standing up to my abuser this time despite intimidation coming at me from all corners. I've gained a lot of strength from those who have taken the time to write to me. I wish you well.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 60
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:26:47 AM

I have this feeling in the pit pf my stomache that is constantly there... I can't decribe it..


Sort of like that feeling of dread that waits for the other shoe to hit the floor? Sort of like that feeling of fear that at any moment he'll show up out of nowhere and take another swing at you? Sort of like that feeling that although your head knows he's gone yet you don't really believe he is gone yet?

A lot of that is conditioned by the very situation you've come out of - it's going to take time to move beyond that. Some of that is the pending court issue. Until that is behind you, it's not going to begin to start feeling like he is out of your life.

As much as you can, focus on one day at a time. Focus on what you can do today as far as taking another baby step forward. When that feeling in the pit of your stomach creeps in, tell it you don't have time at the moment to give it any attention and go on about whatever you are doing at the moment.

 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 61
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:49:59 PM
As always thanks and good wishes to all in particular angelheart 3. Went along to a refuge meeting today and shared heartfelt stories. Therapeutic in itself., some shared their tales of facing the courtroom and at how empowering it was. all good stuff. Not to be feared at all ( well maybe a little bit)! Interesting points raised for example ., how the police treat us ! I also saw that some ladies repeatedly return to the same types of relationships., and some had ended up being arrested themselves.


As much as you can, focus on one day at a time. Focus on what you can do today as far as taking another baby step forward. When that feeling in the pit of your stomach creeps in, tell it you don't have time at the moment to give it any attention and go on about whatever you are doing at the moment.


Will do!
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 62
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:48:36 PM
llynass
Lyrics that just seem to fit:


When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.


 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 63
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:57:43 PM
Angelheart3 .. you are so full of wisdom and i always look forward to your posts!
A BIG THANKYOU
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 64
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:19:32 PM
There has been a lot of good feedback on this question RagtopBill. Am sorry that your wife walked out on you. I would like to thank a gentleman who read this topic and has sent me a copy of a book that he wrote on the subject.It's very much appreciated along with all the amazing support that i have received.
THANKYOU.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 65
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:08:18 AM
Here's a poem I found to be quite helpful post-exiting an abusive marriage:


I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.

Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me
my body including everything it does;
my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes including the images of all they behold;
my feelings whatever they may be...
anger,
joy,
frustration,
love,
disappointment,
excitement
my mouth and all the words that come out of it
polite,
sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think
and feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I
thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am okay.


Not sure who really wrote this, but IMO, it's quite empowering in its content. At the end of the day, sometimes one simply has to get back to the basics.

llynass - it's not that I am wise, I had wise teachers and was motivated to learn in order break free of the cycle of abuse no matter what the feared personal cost to me would be.

 AAuroraAA
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 66
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:08:19 PM
You might also check out Al Anon meetings for the abused spouses & families of alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. which always involve abuse of one sort or another. Learn to stop playing into the victim/martyr role. Learn how to let go of the BS & become whole again.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 67
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:43:26 PM
Actually, Al-Anon is an excellent suggestion. A lot of the abusive relationship dynamics are similar to the alcoholic relationship dynamics - even in the absence of substance abuse.

 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 68
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:54:19 PM
kgrl08 - you can't do anything about her blindness. Concern about what she doesn't know is in a way keeping you focusing on him. The best way to kick up "trying to move on with your life" is to simply live your life. Having to deal with court issues certainly makes it harder to close the door to him and not look back. Yet it can be done. It's wonderful that you have the supportive people around you, more wonderful that they are family and friends.

This woman of his wouldn't hear you anyway even if you tried to warn her. Focus forward and paint a beautiful picture on the new canvas of your life.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 69
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:35:00 PM

she thinks Iam the crazy one


You have the upper hand though...you KNOW you're NOT!
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:04:12 PM
To the lady in Calgary who messaged me ...... I was e-mailed by a gentleman who suffered the same for 38 years. He is now the author of a book called Wounded But Triumphant. It's powerful reading.Please feel free to message me again and I will give you his details. The book is available online. I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!
To everyone who has posted on this thread .. my heartfelt thaks to you .xx
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 71
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:08:44 PM

I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!


Nope - not crazy at all actually. Think about it - when you did go out with him, you had first hand experience that he was quite capable in public of keeping you safe because of what was occurring in private.

That odd yearning may be that catch-22 between what is familiar (life with him) vs. what is unfamiliar - the huge changes you are making. There's a comfort zone even in an abusive relationship. Getting free of your abuser is stepping out of the comfort zone you adapted to.

Keep focusing forward. Thank you for posting about the recommended book. I had not heard of that one before. Sounds like excellent reading.

Stay the course, llynass. When that odd yearning sneaks in, remember how he hurt you. Actually, it might be helpful to write those horrible things down as a visual reference when those yearnings slip into your thoughts. Best way I know to kick those yearnings to the curb where they belong!
 Ms Brat
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 72
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:38:15 PM
"Surround yourself with good people. Make new friends, excel in your job, volunteer for something, meet your neighbors, get out there"

Great Advice!!! Live life and be all that you can be. Prove - the best revenge is LIVING WELL.

I wish you strength, love and peace.

 KarenQJ
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 73
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:33:09 AM
Also, Co-Dependents Anonymous is a 12 step program that is derived from Al-anon.
Here is their website: www.coda.org

Abuse is debilitating, is very effective in eroding the decision making process and emotions of the abused. Even knowing the dynamics involved does not render one immune to it's effect. Many professionals have been taken in by these individuals. Think Ted Bundy here, who was so persuasive in getting people to let their guard down that he actually walked out of a jail one time.

It is precisely because of the effectiveness of abuse that some types individuals adopt it as the strategy for "keeping you there". If you want to do some interesting reading, read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I'm sure you'll see your abuser described to a "T".

But the bottom line is that your experience is one of truly being addicted.... he has habituated you to being on the treadmill of "control".... if only I act a certain way, I will control his feelings for me and actions towards me. You can't. If you were that powerful, the abuse would have stopped the first time.

You can recover your old self, be a bit dented and bruised, but a bit wiser perhaps. You just had the misfortune of stepping into one of lifes potholes, twisted your ankle, and now you walk with a limp..... but you WILL run again, I promise you!

I strongly encourage you to find a group to participate with, face to face, on a regular basis. As with any injury, psychic or physical, much strength can be gained, and recovery occur quicker, with assistance!
 KarenQJ
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 74
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:30:23 AM
Just noticed that you are in England ---- there is a UK organization:

www.coda-uk.org
 realdream7
Joined: 2/5/2007
Msg: 75
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:38:57 AM
OP, absolutely you are not alone. I, too, have been through this, as well as many, many others. You are not crazy for having the feelings that you do. You are absolutely going through the stages of grief--it is normal.

The best piece of advice I can give you without writing a book on this subject (which I could easily do), is to BREAK ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. The only way you can begin to recover and heal is through NO CONTACT with the abuser. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Otherwise he will start messing with your head again, and once he has you hooked, the manipulation will start all over. Once you have broken all contact, then the new phase of mending your life begins.

If you stay on track, maintain no contact and continue getting support and therapy, life will only get better and better. (Been there.) Hugs to you.
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