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 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 76
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Domestic ViolencePage 4 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Two Books to share :-

The Charm Syndrome by Sandra Horley. Published by REFUGE.

Wounded But Triumphant by Paul Lucia.

There has been no contact now for almost 20 weeks and am doing good most days but the day is going to come when he will be there in court. I can't think or focus on anything else if I am honest!
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 77
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:35:31 AM
Am replying to KarenQJ . Have looked up and contacted the organization
www.coda-uk.org. Thankyou.. there is a meeting place in Richmond which is only a few minutes away. BRILLIANT!
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 78
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:32:10 AM

I can't think or focus on anything else if I am honest!

It's okay to feel like you can't think or focus on anything else. Yet - you are in fact focusing on other things...right? Even within your posts, it's very evident that you are moving forward and putting into action the things necessary to take care of you.

Meanwhile, when those moments hit you about the future day, whenever that may be, that you'll see him in court, remind yourself that day is "tomorrow" and for today, it isn't here yet. The more you can set aside that reaction to the anticipated dreaded day and focus on what your priority is for today, the better able you'll be to handle that day in court.

It's kind of funky how that works but think of it in analogy format. The former "home" you shared with him was "burned to the ground". So now, you are in the position of building a new home. Since he set the home on fire in the first place, this new home you are building without him. So first, in this context, you have to lay a good foundation. That's what you've been doing in that past 20 weeks. Laying a solid foundation.

Of course when that day comes when you have to face him in court it's going to be scary. Knowing that ahead of time, strategize how you are going to handle your emotions when that day comes so that you are ready for come what may. The only aspect of what happens in court that is within your control is you. Hope for the best yet plan for the worst so that you are more prepared emotionally to handle whatever comes out of it.

 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 79
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:48:06 AM
I have read through this entire thread while enjoying my Saturday morning coffee. I am profoundly touched by the warmth of human spirit flowing through these threads and I hope Ilynass that you are feeling a lot less "alone" than you probably were feeling when you originally posted.

On other threads that touch on the subject of domestic violence, there are always posts (generally from men) who are saying they would never, ever be with a partner who has been abused because when they tried to be with someone who had been abused, she turned abusive on them.. converting them of course, to a victim of abuse. (Whew.. that's a hard one to describe!) My response in those threads has been to say that if they feel they have been abused by someone that was previously abused, and they would not be with someone who has been abused ever again, where does that leave them since they are now also "abused"?

This thread proves that what I was trying to say is very, very true. It is loving, compassionate, strong people who often find themselves suddenly being abused. These people find their way out and afterward, will often reach back to help someone else make their way toward the light.

I think, many of you should take a huge bow for the fact that in your compassion and warmth, you have clearly become that which an abuser can never be... To love someone is to be able to touch the face of God... To be incapable of loving someone is the direct opposite.

Take a bow folks... You've certainly earned it here...
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 80
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:07:22 PM
Ilynass, I also want to share a few things I've learned in my own struggle toward the light...

It is quite likely that you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ("PTSD"). Since I am not a clinician or therapist, I can only give you my laymen's understanding of it but I am hoping that you will get the same epiphanies I've had once I understood it.

The symptoms of PTSD are flashbacks, nightmares, free-floating anxiety (comes at you out of nowhere and takes your breath away), depression and withdrawal, huge feelings of isolation and shame, numbness and detachment... I can't type loudly enough that it isn't enough to "know" what the symptoms of PTSD are... You need to apply them to what you are currently experiencing.

For instance, you say that he is always on your mind. (I had this problem and it was making me feel thoroughly and completely nutz!) That's what "flashbacks" are... Mental images that keep running at your brain and keep him at the forefront of it. We think that we're still in love because our brains are still consumed by our memories but in reality, if you have PTSD, these flashbacks are generally of "him" and then, when we have them, we follow them into our memories.

Many of the symptoms of PTSD come from our needing those things in order to survive. For instance, loneliness and isolation. My ex threatened to hurt my children and my grandchildren if I tried to move out of harm's way. Once he pulled a 19" dagger on a friend who was trying to stand by me. I knew, without a doubt, that he would do what he threatened to do from that moment on. So... I withdrew. I surrendered my right to friends and family rather than to allow them to be hurt. As I saw it, it was my fault he was in my life and there was no way, I wasn't going to stand in front of the people I loved. (When he pulled the dagger on my friend, I ran in between them and refused to move not knowing whether or not he would plunge it into my chest since he had just beaten me up an hour before.) Now, I have to work really hard to feel like I can make friends and know that they will be safe. Thus, my isolation and loneliness became a survival skill and it's hard to put my weapons down.

PTSD has been explained to me as a form of "brain-freezing". When people face their own deaths (even once... whereas abuse victims face that often), it freezes the brain into a fear, deer-in-the-headlights, kind of state. All of the warning systems in the body go off and the adrenaline is powerful. Sometimes, it takes special reprogramming to "UNstick" the brain.

I am currently in trauma therapy and it's helping me tremendously. I now understand why he keeps showing up in my brain and I know it's not my fault. It's a symptom of my disorder. My therapist is using a technique called EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). I've only just gotten started with it in the past weeks but it's helping so much. I actually have brief moments when I feel like my old playful self now.

I hope this helps...
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 81
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:56:51 PM
Reading your posts has made me cry .. sometimes i try hard not to... but other times the tears just flow... anywhere anytime., I don't seem to be in control any more but as angelheart3 has pointed out to me am heading in the right direction. Can i please just talk about some situations which are not to do with the present trial but previous things
... things like being threatened with a saucepan almost to the point of terror but calmly placing the saucepan on my head and walking off. The time when he said .. 'you had better leave the room as i can feel one of my anger momements coming' and then when i've tried to leave has put his leg out and said going somewhere! Driving alomg the motorway and calimly looking at me and saying ''are you ready''.Carrying me back into the house and challenging anyone to stop him. Chasing me in my car and putting his head through the window in front of so many people . Holding me hostage for an entire week-end until my children called the police as they couldn't get in touch with me. Smashing my doors, mirrors, windows, belongings. Checking me when i was a minute late home, punching me in the head, telling me to stop snivelling and even cracking my rib. Never being allowed to sleep after a night shift as i was being a **** by deliberately witholding sex.. never thinking that I might be tired. I was a rag doll for him to do with whatever he pleased..and on and on and on. Kicking my beloved dogs and i couldn't do a dam thing about it it .. I tried to leave with them but I couldn't get out the door and then he would unplug the phone and take my mobile off me. A few minutes later he'd make me a drink or something to eat and say can we get back to normality now! Then there was the side that said so sweetly Ilove you.. Why do you make me behave this way. I know when to stop.. Iwon't hurt you too much.. I'm all you should ever need . Leap of faith.. trust me .. lets start afresh. I would die without you.. i'll kill myself if you ever leave me... etc etc He would even place his arm outstretched and start punching so hard and say there happy now. Now move on.
The things that happened in the bedroom only a therapist can help me .

But I am the basket case now .. isn't that incredible!
As everyone has been so kind I needed to share some of the things that have been kept a secret for so long because i had put them away to the back of my mind....

Thankyou.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 82
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:26:07 PM

... things like being threatened with a saucepan almost to the point of terror but calmly placing the saucepan on my head and walking off. The time when he said .. 'you had better leave the room as i can feel one of my anger momements coming' and then when i've tried to leave has put his leg out and said going somewhere! Driving alomg the motorway and calimly looking at me and saying ''are you ready''.Carrying me back into the house and challenging anyone to stop him. Chasing me in my car and putting his head through the window in front of so many people . Holding me hostage for an entire week-end until my children called the police as they couldn't get in touch with me. Smashing my doors, mirrors, windows, belongings. Checking me when i was a minute late home, punching me in the head, telling me to stop snivelling and even cracking my rib. Never being allowed to sleep after a night shift as i was being a **** by deliberately witholding sex.. never thinking that I might be tired. I was a rag doll for him to do with whatever he pleased..and on and on and on. Kicking my beloved dogs and i couldn't do a dam thing about it it .. I tried to leave with them but I couldn't get out the door and then he would unplug the phone and take my mobile off me. A few minutes later he'd make me a drink or something to eat and say can we get back to normality now! Then there was the side that said so sweetly Ilove you.. Why do you make me behave this way. I know when to stop.. Iwon't hurt you too much.. I'm all you should ever need . Leap of faith.. trust me .. lets start afresh. I would die without you.. i'll kill myself if you ever leave me... etc etc He would even place his arm outstretched and start punching so hard and say there happy now. Now move on.
The things that happened in the bedroom only a therapist can help me .


Ilynass... These are the "flashbacks" I was talking about and I know exactly what you mean. These things will exhaust you to the point of being unable to sort anything out. Our ability to reason falls in direct proportion to the rise of our emotions and the more these things come back, the more emotional you feel. It's only natural that you will end up feeling like a "basketcase" when in reality, you are simply struggling with a disorder.

In what I've read so far, your partner was obviously a narcissistic psychopath. (If people wanna land on me for "labelling", so be it... Part of our strength is knowing what we see.) This means Ilynass that in his babyhood, he didn't separate properly from the period of time when he was symbiotic with his primary caregiver. He came to see other people as "things" to be used specifically for his own needs and if they rebelled, his entire raison d' etre became to force them to understand that he had the power to hurt them and destroy their lives. He is incapable of empathy on any level.

You need to understand Hon that these people are chameleons and capable of fooling even the best-trained professionals about their ability to be human. They look for strong, loving, compassionate people... study them... mirror them (by temporarily becoming them)... fool them... and when they have someone where they want them, the terrorizing and torture begin. The need to control is paramount and their devices are many. Your NP used some very raw forms of control... mostly, keeping you off-balance so that you could never be sure what to expect in the next minute. I have no doubt, you "walked on eggshells" for the entire length of your relationship, fearing that something would set him off. But therein, lies the sadness of the illusion because.. IT WAS NEVER ANYTHING YOU DID THAT SET HIM OFF! It was those things that gave him any inkling he might lose his control of you and the narcissistic supply you gave him that set him off.

As soon as you actually fall in love with a NP, they disrespect and dislike you on a basic level. They think that you're essentially stupid for putting up with them. At their core, they are shame-based and they know, they wouldn't put up with someone like themselves for a skinny second. As soon as you care about them and show them a moment of compassion, it's like evidence to them of your being undeserving of their respect. You simply cannot win.

Although you are disinclined to share the bedroom experiences, you don't have to. Many of us find ourselves with our self-image badly shattered by our time with these pukes! If we were passionate with them, we were whores. If we were conservative, we were "sexless and frigid". If we got prettied up, we were going out to "get laid". If we didn't pretty up, we "didn't love them anymore". It's crazy-making at its finest.. but it isn't the "truth". You simply need to get back in touch with the truth.

I think some PTSD therapy will give you tremendous strength and really help you to sort this stuff out Ilynass... Crime Victims Assistance here in Canada is paying for my therapy and I would encourage you to contact your local victims' assistance unit with the police department in your area to find out if your state (or province) has any such funding available.

Remember my friend.. "In this life, pain is inevitable... suffering is optional".
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 83
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:21:36 PM
caz1979.

I don't know what on earth you are talking about . I continue to have feelings .. I
continue to grieve. By speaking to me in such a derogative way you don't sound very nice. Have you actually read all of this thread?
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 84
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:23:38 PM
caz1979.. I didn't see your previous thread..... Sorry. Lesley.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 85
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:22:56 PM
Msg. 151 & 151

caz1979 - you're going to have feelings for a while and in the context referenced by your counselor, it's a normal part of the healing process. I went back and read thomarks' (sorry about spelling there - not looking at the actual post) again. I didn't perceive any insensitivity in his post and what he said near the end of it is true with rare exception most of the time. It may or may not be true for you, but for many it is true statement. Nor did I perceive anything negative in what he posted.

JMHO
 newyorktomboy
Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 86
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:50:36 AM
Rachel I am going to get that book. (women who love too much) I recently broke up with someone who verbally and mentally abused me. I still have feelings for him and feel embarassed and mad at myself for having feelings for him. I had fallen in love with him. Now i have to kill that love and all I do is cry. Cry because he is an abuser and that I let myself get involved with someone like that and that I miss him and I hate feeling this way. I miss the him I fell in love with not the abuser.
 KarenQJ
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 87
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:28:53 AM
llynass,

Happy to hear you moved on the CODA thing so quick..... developing healthy friends who have walked a similar path will strengthen you. I hope it works out for you.
 crayonzz
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 88
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:40:00 PM
At least, on these pages, the guys are talking too.

Erin Pizzey was the founder of a women's shelter in Chiswick, England, the first modern battered women's shelter in the world. She found that of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, 62 were as or more violent than the partners they tried to escape from -- only to return to their partners time and again because of their addiction to pain and violence, violence that they persistently did their best to bring about. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 89
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:44:33 PM
What are you implying sir? M y ex partner has spent time in prison for acts of violence against others besides myself. I thought that I was the only person who could help him as he kept cutting himself and using emotional blackmail if I even considered to leave. Have you read my medical notes ? Have you ever seen my injuries? Have you ever been miscarrying and suffered a blow to the stomache only to hear the words 'HOW DARE YOU LOSE MY BABY'! Oh thats what you meant when you mentioned :[ violence that they persistently did their best to bring about] HOW DARE I LOSE HIS BABY!! I must have deserved it then .Shame on you.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 90
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:27:23 PM
llynass - you know the truth of your situation and at the end of the day, that's the truth that matters.

And NO - you did not deserve that at all. Not at all.

When I miscarried my second pregnancy, it paled in comparison to your experience. I got to listen to my husband at the time prattle on to my doctor about his ex-wife during the whole miscarriage. My doctor looked up at him once, then tended to me but while my doctor was tending to me his eyes told me everything I needed to know about what he thought of my husband's conduct in that ER. I remember thinking how cold it was that here I am in the process of losing our child and the only thing on his mind is bragging about how his ex-wife saw the same doctor? I suppose I should have felt grateful that he actually missed a couple of beers to transport me there in the first place. He more than made up for lost time when his inconvenience was over.

Still, it was very hard for me to be around infants for a long while. At the end of the day, although it didn't feel like it at the time, miscarrying that pregnancy was a blessing in its own way. I don't know how I made it out with one child. I can't even imagine how I could have with two - the latter would have been substantially disabled had I not miscarried.
 crayonzz
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 91
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:52:15 PM
Lynass
Before you accuse me of "implying" anything I'd suggest that you get a copy of Pizzeys book and read it.
But there's a problem here. Because the book covered battered husbands, and because it was so honest, and so controversial , it has been banned for the last 25 years and has only come onto the market again recently.
And even now most bookshops havent got the integrity to stock it.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 92
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:27:46 PM
crayonzz - timing of your post, ok? Just wasn't good timing and objectively speaking, the way your post was phrased, even if it were in essence a quote from the book directly, it just wasn't the right timing and even a bit off topic for the thread as it's been running. Not anyone's "bad" as the subject title appears to be quite general yet it's not general at all from the original post. If you haven't had an opportunity to read the entire thread here, please do so with an open mind from start to finish.

No one is at all diminishing the fact that there are women that abuse men. My own father is one such example. While I personally have not read the referenced book in the post under dispute, it does behoove us to be mindful that abuse is not gender specific first and foremost. Furthermore, part of the victim impact is anger and sometimes even rage relevant to the severity of the abuse and how long it persisted. Most of the emotions have been repressed while still with the partner so it takes time to rebalance those emotions as one becomes more aware that they are in fact safer than they were and it's an overwhelming process at that. Some victims show the rage sooner than later, others express it later. The worst thing, IMO, that anyone can do to a victim is minimize or diminish the abuse the victim knows happened because they were there living it, even if that wasn't the intended implication.

There's another thread running that your book reference would be good to post in, also on abuse where some of the men have posted their experiences. Do a thread search on my user name and you'll find it easier that way.

Meanwhile - this is a very emotionally laden topic with strong feelings on all sides. So it behooves us all to be mindful of that while keeping our reactions reigned in.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 93
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:06:56 AM

It fully broke my heart.


I'm sure it did.

 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 94
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:03:45 PM
Decided today .. that I didn't want to go through with going to court..decided that i didn't care what happened to him as long as he left me alone.. cried a .bucket load of tears .Made all the excuses going.. can't face it.. will crumble.. he'll be laughing right at me etc etc. Had a cup of tea .. wiped my tears and then I rememembered what he did to me and will try do to me again. I remembered all of you caring people and what you had also been through and the support and encouragement that you had shown and given to me. I thought about all the people who continue to be abused. Then I felt ashamed.

Thanks to all of you I am no longer a victim but a survivor and aim to stay that way!
Bless you all.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 95
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:14:28 PM

Made all the excuses going.. can't face it.. will crumble.. he'll be laughing right at me etc etc.


"Excuses?" No need for excuses. You can choose to go to court or choose not to. Totally your choice.

"can't face it" Says who? He's counting on you not going - do you really want to give him that satisfaction? Sure you can face it. My word, llynass, court pales in comparison to what this man has done to you.

"will crumble" - no, you are afraid you will crumble which is not the same thing as crumbling.. Cookies crumble - you don't look like a cookie in your image. Frankly, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Best revenge is to be successful in shaping your life the way you want to define it. It drives the abusers crazy because they can't do it themselves. (I am soooo bad!).

Make him crazy for once - show up in court. Stand and walk tall. Even if you don't feel strong, pretend that you are strong and act strong. You can do it. And when you feel like you can't, remember how you felt every time he abused you and get angry about it. You can use that anger to get you through this court business. If you choose to testify.

"he'll be laughing right at me etc etc" - so? It may hurt your feelings or it may just tick you off enough to testify and not care what he thinks. He certainly didn't care and doesn't care what you think of him, does he? So why should you care what he thinks about you?

This is just a hiccup in the road. I call it "stinkin' thinkin' as that is precisely what it is. You go back and forth for a while and up and down. When you find yourself starting to dwell on things, get busy doing something else to distract your thoughts. At the end of the day, as far as court goes, it is your choice. Just make the choice you can live with at the end of the day.

The comfortable choice is generally the wrong choice. Doing the right thing is often not the easy thing to do, but it's usually the choice we don't later regret.


Then I felt ashamed.

Ashamed of what? Being human?

Even if court happened today and you simply couldn't bring yourself to testify - the sun will still rise in the morning and set in the evening. It's okay either way. This is your life now. You own your choices; you own your decisions; you own your thoughts; your words and your deeds. You even own your mistakes and it's okay. It's called life.

 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 96
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History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:35:02 AM
Angelheart3.. In reply to your post on the thread abusive relationships.. I found this very encouraging and yes I am getting stronger each day. Coming out of a therapy session though touched a nerve and brought everything to the surface leaving me feeling miserable and i'l be honest when you wrote that he dosn't even love himself .. I immediately went back into worrying about what may have happened to him to make him feel that mode. I know that I must stop this now and worry only about me.
I know that he dosn't want me to go to court but I will whatever happens.
I've also noticed on a thread running about why we keep going back to our abusers that the lady who posted last thinks that we are abusers ourselves and bring the abuse on. Have you seen it?
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 97
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:32:43 AM

Coming out of a therapy session though touched a nerve and brought everything to the surface leaving me feeling miserable

Therapy is going to touch nerves when you talk about what you experienced as emotionally, it brings you right back there. However, no matter how miserable it feels, you are NOT there anymore.

quote]I immediately went back into worrying about what may have happened to him to make him feel that mode.
It doesn't matter what may have happened to him at the end of the day. What DOES matter is how he chose to react to what happened to him and that is HIS stuff to own.

llynass - part of what you are experienced is a consequence of convoluted personal boundaries. When you start feeling sorry for him or worrying about what may have caused him to be the way he is, redirect your thinking out of the "why" and into the "behavior". The "why" is meaningless - doesn't matter why. What does matter is how he chooses to behave and how his behavior hurts you.

I do not own anyone's choices, but my own.
I do not own anyone's behavior, but my own.
I do not own anyone's words, but my own.
I do not own anyone's thoughts, but my own.
I do not own anyone's feelings, but my own.
I do not own anyone's happiness, but my own.
I do not own anyone's body, but my own.
I do not own anyone's life, but my own.

Part of "owning" that which belongs to you is letting go of that which does not belong to you.

Sidebar: I'll check out that thread. I may have been posting in it already.
 llynass
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:46:34 PM
Thankyou kgl08: I appreciate your post. Am feeling pretty miserable at present time.
 Ron Landrie
Joined: 1/8/2008
Msg: 99
view profile
History
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:10:20 PM
Hi,

I really and truly sympathaize with you regarding the violence that you endured. However, why in Gods green earth would you allow it to continue for 3 1/2 years. You are educated, apparently had a good job ect. nobody should endure this!!!!!1 {Men or women} Why is it that so many women endure scumm balls and won't give a great guy like my the time of day. What the heck is the problem with you ladies. Some of you need tons of help and I hope that you all soon smarten up. Go ahead and worship the liars, cheaters, dishonest ect. but don't complain when it turns very sour.
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 100
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:47:56 PM

Why is it that so many women endure scumm balls

That topic is running in another thread.


Go ahead and worship the liars, cheaters, dishonest ect. but don't complain when it turns very sour.
P.S. - the topic is about domestic VIOLENCE so let's not pretty it up with the covert aggressive behaviors, okay?

Ok - abuse survivors, frankly I never worshiped my abuser at all. Any of you other survivors worship your abusers? I didn't think so. As for things turning "sour"? An assault is an assault and as such, is illegal. Just because it occurs within the abusive relationship does not diminish the fact that it is an assault - no matter how much one wants to sugar coat it. Frankly, anyone assaults me again in this lifetime I darned sure am going to COMPLAIN and act in whatever manner I need to in order to preserve my physical welfare and dare anyone to get "attitude" about it.

And you also said:
won't give a great guy like my the time of day

I can't possibly imagine why anyone could let such a great guy like you slip away.
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