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Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 101
Domestic ViolencePage 5 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Lyrics that just seem to fit:

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 102
view profile
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:57:43 PM
Angelheart3 .. you are so full of wisdom and i always look forward to your posts!
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 103
view profile
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:39:21 PM
ive been where you are and have a verse that a very good freind sent me.... she sent this to me one week and wrote with it a note to really read it carefully....
i read it but in my busy life i didnt really take time to understand its meaning.....the next week her boyfreind shot her and then shot himself.... i lost my very best freind.... she was a victim of domestic abuse and i knew it... but i just thought that things would get better.... they were both pronounced dead at the scene.....things did not get better.... heres the verse she sent me
After a while
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand
and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning,
and company doesnt always mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts,
and presents arent promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats,
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the greif of a child, and you learn.....
to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way fo falling down in mid flight
after awhile you learn that even sunshine burns ....if you get too much.
so you plan your own garden, and you decorate your own soul...
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers...
and you learn that you really can endure.
that you really are strong...
and you really do have worth.....
and you learn....
and you learn......
with every goodbye you learn....
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 104
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/16/2008 10:33:50 PM
"Went to court yesterday and 'HE' pleaded not guilty to 4 serious charges. I therefore have to go and take the stand in July. Am terrified that if he can fool me each time then he can fool the jury as well and he may. I AM STILL GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one question....... his family have over the last three plus years collected me from hospital several times and yet are going to give evidence on his behalf..........................
how do i deal with this as i have no witnesses . Abuse always happens in isolation"

In a criminal trial, it needs to be proven beyond a 'reasonable doubt' that the accused committed the specific offences of which they have been charged with. Witnesses and evidence form a part of that. I imagine your ex-partner, given his abusive and violent nature, has been charged with assault (or the equivalent offence under UK laws). Unfortunately, when it comes to the crunch, most families will stick by their relatives, even if there is strong evidence that family member is guilty of a grave crime.

In the witness stand, the hardest part will be when the defence cross-examines you. The defence will try to show your testimony against your ex-partner is not reliable. Unfortunately for abuse victims, this can be a very traumatic experience, but in our adversial system of justice, each side has to try and win the case by all means available, except those which mislead or deceive the court (such as perjury or falsifying evidence). The defence is obliged to try and clear your ex of the crimes he has been charged with, and they will try to show to the jury that he is not guilty beyond reasonable doubt of the things he has been charged with. So, if the lawyer for the defence questions your testimony or your integrity, you need to try and see it not as personal maliciousness on the part of the defence, but rather part of the administration of justice in the court system. You also need to take care not to let the questions or arguments of the defence counsel to get to you emotionally, in the sense it makes you so upset you cry, or you engage in outbursts in the court. These would be understandable, but might not go down well with the jurors deciding the case.

I have been a juror myself in a criminal trial and we convict or acquit on the basis of evidence before us. Usually, jurors don't decide merely on the basis of the arguments of one side. The prosecution's case and the defence case need to be analysed together.

Still, given you mention he has been convicted and sent to prison before, I doubt his prospects for acquittal are good.

"Don't be afraid of taking the stand. Is there a lawyer or legal aide you can talk to? Maybe someone who can help you to prepare? You are doing the right thing. Don't worry. There are plenty of programs, hotlines and support groups for victims of domestic violence. You have time to prepare. Do some research and find some people who can help you with this."

This is probably good advice to follow.
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 105
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:02:38 PM
I fail to understand what makes women or men for that matter stand by someone who treats them so badly. I was married for 28 years never raised my voice or laid a hand on me ex in anger. Then one day she just walked out on me. Go figure.
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 106
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/17/2008 3:19:32 PM
There has been a lot of good feedback on this question RagtopBill. Am sorry that your wife walked out on you. I would like to thank a gentleman who read this topic and has sent me a copy of a book that he wrote on the subject.It's very much appreciated along with all the amazing support that i have received.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 107
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:08:18 AM
Here's a poem I found to be quite helpful post-exiting an abusive marriage:

I am me.
In all the world, there is no one exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me,
but no one adds up exactly like me.

Therefore, everything that comes out of me
is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me
my body including everything it does;
my mind including all its thoughts and ideas;
my eyes including the images of all they behold;
my feelings whatever they may be...
my mouth and all the words that come out of it
sweet or rough,
correct or incorrect;
my voice loud or soft.
And all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes,
all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me I can become intimately acquainted with me.
By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all parts.
I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,
and other aspects that I do not know.
But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles
and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think
and feel at a given moment in time is me.
This is authentic and represents where I am in that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I
thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting.
I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting,
And invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,
and to make sense and order out of the world of people
and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am okay.

Not sure who really wrote this, but IMO, it's quite empowering in its content. At the end of the day, sometimes one simply has to get back to the basics.

llynass - it's not that I am wise, I had wise teachers and was motivated to learn in order break free of the cycle of abuse no matter what the feared personal cost to me would be.

Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 108
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:08:19 PM
You might also check out Al Anon meetings for the abused spouses & families of alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. which always involve abuse of one sort or another. Learn to stop playing into the victim/martyr role. Learn how to let go of the BS & become whole again.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 109
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:43:26 PM
Actually, Al-Anon is an excellent suggestion. A lot of the abusive relationship dynamics are similar to the alcoholic relationship dynamics - even in the absence of substance abuse.

Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 110
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 11:37:00 AM
I was also a victim to Domestic Violence,this man choked me til I almost passed out,Luckily,I was able to get to phone and call 911,the reason,I was choked? caught him on phone with another woman,he was a bad drinker and also a cheater,as I found out and paid price for,He trys to justify his actions,that I attacked him,etc,etc,yeah right,he went to jail,so he still very angry at me,I have gotten away and Iam trying to move on with my life,But he still continues to haunt me,had to go to court and he shows up with the other woman he cheated on me with,she is blind to the fact that this man is abusive,she really thinks he wont do that to her,but its just matter of time,abusers,never change and especially one who drinks,,Iam blessed that I have my family and good friends who love me,that keeps me goin and strong and I know I will never allow a man to abuse me in any way,verbally,physically,mentally again,I wish the best to you OP
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 111
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 4:54:19 PM
kgrl08 - you can't do anything about her blindness. Concern about what she doesn't know is in a way keeping you focusing on him. The best way to kick up "trying to move on with your life" is to simply live your life. Having to deal with court issues certainly makes it harder to close the door to him and not look back. Yet it can be done. It's wonderful that you have the supportive people around you, more wonderful that they are family and friends.

This woman of his wouldn't hear you anyway even if you tried to warn her. Focus forward and paint a beautiful picture on the new canvas of your life.
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 112
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 5:29:34 PM
Angelheart,thank you,and you are right,she thinks Iam the crazy one,God knows what he has told her,but my family and friends know the truth,he had done this to another woman before he met me,so its obviously a pattern with him,its just a matter of time,You know when you add alcohol to the factor its doomed to be volatile!
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 113
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/20/2008 6:35:00 PM

she thinks Iam the crazy one

You have the upper hand KNOW you're NOT!
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 114
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:32:12 AM
Sweetheart I've been there. As corny as it sounds time does heal all things....not completely but it does heal. You will be all that you were and even more because now you know what you've been missing. As time goes on he will be less and less in your thoughts. He'll probably always be in the back of your mind but the frequency of thinking about him will decrease slowly. I would suggest that you stop going places that remind you of your relationship with him if you want to forget him. From personal experience, its just upsetting. It doesn't do any good. It'll take a lot of time before you are able to trust anyone as deeply as you would like. Keep seeing the counselors, they really do help. Each time you catch yourself missing him and if you start thinking of talking to him or seeing him just think back to all those times he mistreated you and remember that you are better off where you're at. You're a special, wonderful, amazing woman and you deserve way more than that a**hole. I wish you the best of luck in everything and I will pray for you. If you ever need to talk for any reason, send me an e-mail. I will send you my Y! address if you'd like, just remember that you're loved and you will get through this. God bless~
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 115
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:04:12 PM
To the lady in Calgary who messaged me ...... I was e-mailed by a gentleman who suffered the same for 38 years. He is now the author of a book called Wounded But Triumphant. It's powerful reading.Please feel free to message me again and I will give you his details. The book is available online. I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!
To everyone who has posted on this thread .. my heartfelt thaks to you .xx
Joined: 12/11/2007
Msg: 116
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:13:20 PM
My heart goes out to you darlin'!! Believe me when I say, I know what you are going through (not to the extent that you experienced). I wish I could just give you a hug!! What you need to do instead of thinking of the good times, which I'm sure were few & far between, you should focus on how can a person treat you like this. How can someone do that to you & say, I'm sorry & do it again? How can you accept that he drove away everyone that you love, your children & friends. He did that so he could continue abusing you & isolate you from everyone else & he could have you to himself to continue the abuse. You should be MAD at him for what he did to you, he could have killed you!!! What he did to you sweetie is not "LOVE" it's "ABUSE" clear & simple. If he was physically abusive, then I'm sure he was verbally abusive as well, it usually goes hand in hand, because that way they can control you better! They start to brain wash you & make you feel that it's all your fault & you did something to upset them & that's why they had to hit you or even if they had a bad day, they blame you! Don't feed into that Bull****, it's not true & it's not your fault & no one deserves abuse of any kind!!

What you need to do is get some therapy to help with your self-esteem, because if your self-esteem was high, you never would have put up with that kind of treatment & degradation. Your therapist should be able to advise you what books to read to help in your recovery. If you can get into a support group, even better! You will re-discover who you really are & what you want out of life & a partner. It's hard & you will cry alot as you recall all that you have been through but you'll find out why you let him treat you like that & what changes need to come about for you to have a better life & never let it happen again! If you don't do the work, you will attract someone just like him again. I don't wish that on you or anyone!! Believe me doing the work on you is well worth the reward at the end of it, because you are worth it!

Choose to be a survivor & no longer the victim! I remember this myself all the time & am so much stronger now than I was years ago. Since I worked on me, I have become a very confident, strong & happy woman. I have never been abused again in my life!! GOD BLESS YOU & HELP YOU ON YOUR HEALING JOURNEY MY FRIEND!!

Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 117
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:47:58 PM
there is an old saying, Im not a bible thumpper but believe in good and evil and Ya god and the devil, BUT THE ONE THING THE DEVIL WANTS FROM YOU IS TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, THATS HIS PLOY, ONCE HES GOT YOU IN HIS RELEM HE WILL TOY WITH YOU UNTILL ALL OF YOU IS DESTROYED, HELL TAKE YOUR SENSITIVE SWEET NATURED CARING PERSON AND TWIST IT LIKE NO TOMMORROW, HELL DECIEVE YOU WITH HIS LIES, AND MOST OFF WANT YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR HIM , NEVER LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SOUL, IT YOUR , YOU OWN IT, BOTTOM LINE. this goes out to all you men who cant keep your hands off women, YOU dont win in the end, you die lonely souls dont forgive him dear thats not your job, god or satan has the last word. Get it!!!!! Take this and paste it to your fridge.
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 118
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:58:19 PM
your very brave fr coming out and posting your thread, they always forget about the men, it goes both ways, your a good man
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 119
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:08:44 PM

I still get the odd yearning to go back to what i know and if anyone can understand this one ., I knowing how violent he could be always felt safe when out with him . ( Crazy or what)!

Nope - not crazy at all actually. Think about it - when you did go out with him, you had first hand experience that he was quite capable in public of keeping you safe because of what was occurring in private.

That odd yearning may be that catch-22 between what is familiar (life with him) vs. what is unfamiliar - the huge changes you are making. There's a comfort zone even in an abusive relationship. Getting free of your abuser is stepping out of the comfort zone you adapted to.

Keep focusing forward. Thank you for posting about the recommended book. I had not heard of that one before. Sounds like excellent reading.

Stay the course, llynass. When that odd yearning sneaks in, remember how he hurt you. Actually, it might be helpful to write those horrible things down as a visual reference when those yearnings slip into your thoughts. Best way I know to kick those yearnings to the curb where they belong!
Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 120
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Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:21:43 PM
Ya know what,,I was a VICTIM of domestic's easy for everyone to say that we are choosing to be a victim...easy for you to say that you get tired of hearing about it...but one thing you do not understand is this...when you are with someone you love that turns to domestic are afraid to leave are afraid to stay there...some women stay because he makes them all sorts of promises,,they believe it because they love him....they want to believe in the good things he has promised her...this is easier said then done my friend...I took counselling for 2 years..and yes it is hard..but like anything else in get thru it and go on...when I was in counselling I was made to see where I had made my mistakes...I made wrong choices...yes it scarred me....I also learned a very valuable lesson...It could have ended another way and i know that now...this is something each person will learn once they get thru the pain and horror of their own situation....
 Ms Brat
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 121
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:38:15 PM
"Surround yourself with good people. Make new friends, excel in your job, volunteer for something, meet your neighbors, get out there"

Great Advice!!! Live life and be all that you can be. Prove - the best revenge is LIVING WELL.

I wish you strength, love and peace.

Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 122
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:33:09 AM
Also, Co-Dependents Anonymous is a 12 step program that is derived from Al-anon.
Here is their website:

Abuse is debilitating, is very effective in eroding the decision making process and emotions of the abused. Even knowing the dynamics involved does not render one immune to it's effect. Many professionals have been taken in by these individuals. Think Ted Bundy here, who was so persuasive in getting people to let their guard down that he actually walked out of a jail one time.

It is precisely because of the effectiveness of abuse that some types individuals adopt it as the strategy for "keeping you there". If you want to do some interesting reading, read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I'm sure you'll see your abuser described to a "T".

But the bottom line is that your experience is one of truly being addicted.... he has habituated you to being on the treadmill of "control".... if only I act a certain way, I will control his feelings for me and actions towards me. You can't. If you were that powerful, the abuse would have stopped the first time.

You can recover your old self, be a bit dented and bruised, but a bit wiser perhaps. You just had the misfortune of stepping into one of lifes potholes, twisted your ankle, and now you walk with a limp..... but you WILL run again, I promise you!

I strongly encourage you to find a group to participate with, face to face, on a regular basis. As with any injury, psychic or physical, much strength can be gained, and recovery occur quicker, with assistance!
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 123
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:30:23 AM
Just noticed that you are in England ---- there is a UK organization:
Joined: 2/5/2007
Msg: 124
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:38:57 AM
OP, absolutely you are not alone. I, too, have been through this, as well as many, many others. You are not crazy for having the feelings that you do. You are absolutely going through the stages of grief--it is normal.

The best piece of advice I can give you without writing a book on this subject (which I could easily do), is to BREAK ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. The only way you can begin to recover and heal is through NO CONTACT with the abuser. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Otherwise he will start messing with your head again, and once he has you hooked, the manipulation will start all over. Once you have broken all contact, then the new phase of mending your life begins.

If you stay on track, maintain no contact and continue getting support and therapy, life will only get better and better. (Been there.) Hugs to you.
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 125
view profile
Domestic Violence
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:26:43 AM
Two Books to share :-

The Charm Syndrome by Sandra Horley. Published by REFUGE.

Wounded But Triumphant by Paul Lucia.

There has been no contact now for almost 20 weeks and am doing good most days but the day is going to come when he will be there in court. I can't think or focus on anything else if I am honest!
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