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Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 146
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 4 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Tina~ My heart goes out to you as I have been there. You are brave and have the courage of lions. Its real important you don't ever find yourself there listen and trust your gut feel about everything. My ex had something called a narcissistic personality disorder, and was emotionally abusive and later it turned to physical violence when I decided to leave him. He is now with another woman who is down on her luck..she has eight kids and she hasn't a clue what hes about. They seek out weaklings or people in need...yes and some already have self esteem problems. Almost like they have a honing device to spot them...then they manipulate and smile and do their dirty work. I am a survivor too and the greatest thing you did was expose him...they can't get away with much once exposed...but they will find God and try and make themselves look believably perfect...but they are not. I am proud of anyone male or female that has the courage to leave these hang in will get even better over time. You are a formidable woman...brave and courageous. Smile that you also survived it...a lot don't. Pass on your knowledge to it forward. I admire your openess and sharing it with us.
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 147
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:01:10 PM
thats right its a beautiful country for free speech and i love every minute of it. Thats who I am , if it grabs attention, it it grabs attention. thats the problom with this country everyone always wants hush, hush. well guess what, wake up ladies you live in a free country when its your chose to do what ever the heck you want. and what you want is not working out for you. Bye the way Judge judy is my hero. that chick tells it like it is. And so do I . cant take the heat , get away from the bon fire. what do you want me to say.............. AWWWW its ok hunny get your face bashed in. its gonna be fine, thats so unbelievable and typical of todays society. Nothing has changed for women. GET some balls and stand up for yourself.. If you have kids they look at you, and they are learning this type of behavior. One thing that will never happen with me in this life time, is being muzzled. ever , you can face the truth. it to painful.
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 148
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:30:36 AM
Good Luck with that...oh yeah when something does happen in your perfect little bubble that doesn't go along with your imaginary world.....don't bother to share with the rest of us. I think you have burned that bridge.
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 149
view profile
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:52:31 AM
YES! Was hit, yelled at, screamed at, etc...I was glad when our "relationship" self imploded and collapsed ( I should have left early on, but was lonely and inexperienced-hey, I was in my early 20's...) -also was glad when I saw that she and her husband tanked out in bankruptcy court for $250,000+!! Have a good day!!
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 150
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 9:37:21 AM
This thread made me think a lot about my marriage - whether there was abuse involved. In the initial years we used to have physical fights, basically due to non-compatability on all fronts. I am not a quiet sort and used to argue back and that would lead to a lot of rough-housing. He's the one who normally started the physical hurting, but I used to give back as good as I got - once he threw a vase at me which just missed my eye, instead gave me a bump on my forehead. To be fair, I've left scratch marks on him. But these sessions always ended up in my crying my eyes out - and he completely ignored me then. During this period I was a house-wife without much income to my name.

After the kids started school, I got a job and in 2 years' time I started to earn much more than him, and then the nature of fights changed. It stopped from being physical to passive emotional cold war from his side. I am a warm emotional person and expresses all my thoughts, and he's a cold fish. He started with-holding sex to punish me. I tried to talk to him zillions of time about it, suggested counselling, but he made it plain he didn't want sex with me anymore because I fight a lot. He'd just sit there and stare at me and say nothing when I tried to initiate patching up dialogues. After a few years I gave up and stopped hoping we'll ever have a normal relationship.

That's my tale of emotional/verbal/physical abuse. Never want to go through that again. With hindsight, if I were more mature I could have avoided the fights, but I am convinced nothing would have made us compatible.
Joined: 8/25/2008
Msg: 151
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 11:03:16 AM
I would like to add my own story...without pointing fingers at either the abused or the abuser...I just suggest you read and come to your own conclusions.

I come from a stoic German family with an alcoholic father who physically fought with my mother. I always assumed this was quite normal behavior except for the time he knocked her tooth out...but I was taught to speak only when spoken to and kept my mouth obediently shut. As the eldest and only sibling to go off to college, Ivy League, I was only too happy to leave the nest. Years later I learned from my younger siblings that my father became far more physically abusive during this time. He died of a massive heart attack in 1986, just months before I met my future husband.

When we got married in 1989 I had been living on my own for 6 years, had purchased a co-op, a car, had a well-paying demanding job in NYC and was doing quite well. There was nothing specific during our dating that alarmed me. Immediately upon returning from our honeymoon things changed. I saw signs of a controlling personality and this resulted in many loud shouting matches. Not one to ever consider bailing on a marriage I suffered in silence..often crying the entire 1-1/2 hour train ride into Manhattan. My husband soon became preoccupied with starting his own law practice and family obligations and work kept us busy and distracted. When we finally decided to start a family, it didn't happen as planned and we found ourselves immersed in the world of fertility clinics. This was enough to distract us again for several years...until we were successful and had a daughter in 1996. A son followed soon after in 1998.

It was then, when I became a stay-at-home mom that things changed most dramatically. I was a devoted mother and when kids got a bit older I became very involved in volunteer work. Slowly, over several years, our relationship became more tense. I felt he wasn't doing his fair share at home and he felt that I didn't appreciate his hard work. The insults started. When the house wasn't spotless I was "a slob."
I was berated for leaving the car in the driveway...not making a nutritious dinner...not being a good example for our kids. Vacations became torturous. My son spilled milk on himself at the airport one year and I was publicly crucified for not keeping a better eye on him. I was called a "fu**ing idiot" in front of our kids when I didn't read a map
the way I should have. I fought back with curses of my own, but the insults cut deep and hurt more than any blows could have. I gained weight...was a "fat cow" and
"disgusting." Things came to a head when one year we had a 16 year old exchange student, a relative of mine, living with us. That winter I felt completely abandonded by my spouse. There was no Christmas spirit in our home. He told me I was a "waste of a human life." While my kids were spending a few days with grandma I got on the phone with my daughter, who was all of 7 at the time, and told her that I was not a good mom. I told her that daddy and grandma could do a better job of it. Through my hysterical tears I told her that I would not see her again. I felt utterly worthless, alone and defeated. Can you imagine what this did to a 7 year old child??

I got in my car and drove off. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I couldn't be in my home any longer. My sister called me on my cell phone while I drove around my neighborhood. We had a long conversation during which she said I could live with her.
That I needed to get away from this man who everyone else could see had stolen my soul, my happiness, my sense of worth. I realized that I had no choice but to go on, that maybe it was time to re-evaluate my marriage. He tried to call me repeatedly, but I couldn't talk to him. I ignored his calls. I rented some movies and treated myself to a Big Mac, fries and a shake.

Alas, his revenge was to report my absence to the police. Upon my return home he told me I would be taken to a local hospital for evaluation. Long story short, I was admitted to a psychiatric facility. I spent that New Year's Eve alone, without my children, medicated and angry. I was diagnosed with severe depression. It was during my time there that I first thought about the concept of verbal abuse. I had never heard of it. Didn't know such a thing existed...despite my Ivy League education! I actually thought that I had discovered the term but later discovered many books written on the subject. Yes, we tried counseling, couples therapy and prayer, but never once did he acknowledge any part in this. In fact, he continued to belittle me by referring to my "mental illness." It was then I made up my mind that my marriage was over. It was unhealthy for me and for my children.

We have been married for 19 years now. I am currently separated, in the process of divorcing and have been living apart from my husband for almost 3 years. As you may recall, he is an attorney and had complete control of our finances for many years.
The abuse still goes on, but I've learned to hang up the phone or delete his e-mails.
I still live every day of my life trying to overcome the slow destruction of my self-esteem and self-worth. It can happen slowly and without your complete awareness. Sometimes I wish he had blackened my would have been so much easier to see the destruction. Instead, it took me almost wanting to take my own life to realize what was happening. I hope that anyone who reads this will come away with a greater understanding of verbal abuse. I also recommend the book "Not to People Like Us" by Susan Weitzman. It deals with hidden abuse in upscale marriages. You might be shocked to find that abusers are often the most "upstanding...model citizens." They are professionals who are often well liked in their community and their wives are often
intellegent, educated women. It is eye-opening.

In any case, I share my story so that you, reader, are now informed. My daughter and son will certainly be informed. Knowledge is power. Be wise, be safe and be happy.
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 152
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 7:12:18 AM
There seems to be alot of abusive type people looking for relationships.

Does anyone know what percentage of people have this quality?

I feel like I keep meeting them!
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 153
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 8:55:13 AM
Great book kitten~
It really brings it home to the reader. I have found a lot of narcissistic PD among professionals as well..what you described about him sounds like he had some of that going on. Its amazing a college degree allows people like this to get away with bad behavior. It almost feeds their entitlement attitudes. They measure themselves by the letters after their names and expect others to excuse their behavior because they are better than everyone else??? Sure seems that way eh? My heart goes out to you...I have been there done that and burned the T-shirt.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 154
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 9:20:21 AM
beau; until you have walked in someone's shoes and know for sure what the women feel, went through, suffered through- you have no room to voice your degrading remarks. Everyone clearly heard your point in the matter so now you can move on and quit bashing the abused even more than they have been. Alot of these women have left their abusers already- and are just telling their story to try and help others in the same situation. So quit being an abuser yourself, and acting like an imp and move on to a subject you understand.
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 155
view profile
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 9:33:41 AM
Yes I have also! I think that is why I tend to like being single more than dating someone. I don't really talk about it with anyone though. You are right there is light at the end of the tunnel and u have to learn to love yourself first. Then better things will come your way!
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 156
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 10:25:24 AM

I'm sitting here steaming at those who say it would never happen to them, they'd fight.

For those people who have never walked in the shoes of a victim; know that sometimes *not fighting* can save, yours or a loved one's life.

For those who have the courage to go on in life; and come here and talk about what some take years to do and/or can never speak of; I honor and applaud you all!

Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 157
view profile
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:25:27 AM
I am getting fed up with this Beau37 person. I was never abused and it was because I used my mother as an example, so I pick my men carefully. My father was a full time a-hole, and I was witness to the beatings, she did fight back physically, until she got enough together to move with four children.

My first MSc thesis was on male (yes male) victims of domestic abuse, and while I was writing that I was helping my female friend who was being abused psychologically by her husband to the point where she exhibited symptoms of mental illness... all the people who have had their experiences are trying to educate you on the issues and you are not helping, as someone pointed out.

I know about positive affirmations etc. and they are helpful and work at times, but using my mother as an example and saying it will not happen to me, and it has never happened, is no reason for me to go around strutting and beating my chest and telling thoso who were abused that I have the answer. The fact that they got out of it suggests that they stopped being victims and took control. It takes longer for some people depending on their cirucmstances, but none of the posters here are victims...they did something about it. Their stories will now help others who may be in a similar situation to say if that person did it then I can. The negativity and then the anger is not for this forum.
 kane stays
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 158
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:45:28 AM
Yes. I joined this site thinking I was ready. I'm not,so I changed to looking for friends.
Joined: 3/19/2008
Msg: 159
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 12:38:18 PM
Yep.. been there done that. To NOLA, andserendipity and liz - Thank you for saying and explaining this so eloquently. It's difficult for most to understand.

Been a long road. Was married for nealy ten years. Had 4 babies in that time and we moved about 8 times. Ex was charming - most addicts and abusers are - master at finding someone to take care of them. He chipped away at me and I was slowly but surely isolated from family and friends. When I began taking care of me - all the money I had to use to counseling had to come from tutoring I did. Household funds were used mostly to cover his bar tab. The fact that I was going to counseling was used against me. At the time I did see the emotional abuse, finally. I also finally realized that he and I were teaching our children by example, that this is how men and women treated each other.

I'd like to say I left. I didn't. The kids and I moved 2 states away for a job that I found. Six months later he admitted that he was not moving down here to be with us. In some ways I was very lucky.

Went to counseling for a while. The girls have been as well. It is a slow process, but so worthwhile. I still deal with triggers - a fowl smelling drunk or someone who is alcoholic and has "that" smell coming through their pores, an abuser yelling at their SO or kids. What I didn't even realize until I finally started dating again was that there had been sexual abuse. Thinking about getting close to my guy brought it back. Luckily for me, he is extremely kind and understanding and has been helping me overcome this part of it.

Seeing me now, most people cannot imagine the mouse I had become before. Still... you come to a point where the curtains are lifted and you see the abuser for who they really are. While I wish my kids had not had to see the things that they did, we worked hard to have them be as healthy as possible. They do not know all of it.

All good wishes to those who are in the midst of this, have been through or are supporting us. If you're in it now - you DO have the strength to get out and be on your own. You are worthy of being loved and will be.
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 160
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 12:58:07 PM
Janni NOLA, serendipity and liz and all who have endured this and continue are strong formidable women and CAN survive this...don't let their fear tactics stop you....thanks once again also for mentioning this happens to men as well...I find it interesting how someone like this can trigger mental breakdown in their hand is out to anyone who needs help up to never be a victim again. Its hard work but you will be better alive and happy for leaving it behind. Brings new meaning to Living strong! Hugs all.
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 162
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 6:32:25 PM
Mentally first and then physically. IT took two years of counselling for me, after I threw him out and called off the wedding to get my head back on straight. It made me a strong woman. I think that scares off guys now, because I am very self sufficient. I never want to be in a position again where a man has complete control over me, my finances and my life.
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 166
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/12/2008 11:12:11 AM
Thats just it...they don't care at all. They just try to give you the perception that they do...its a trap everytime. I think its so common place these days and wasn't talked about as much back in the day..that no one has a clear comparison of what should be normal behavior. Abusers take advantage of this... are never held accountable unless they do something very public/or are reported. They also have their network of people in their lives that continue to enable their bad family members friends ect. I say if something doesn't feel right it most likely isn't right. Trust your gut its there for a reason.
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 167
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/12/2008 3:13:25 PM
Yes, well once I had a bf, we lived together. He had a temper but was not really violent until one day he hit my nose. It was not really hard. His excuse was he wanted to garb me and accidently he hit me. My nose really did not hurt but there was blood everywhere I could not stop bleeding.
I gave him three days to move out. I said if u do not move out I will report you and get a restraining order.
It is was a sad story, he was not some kind of low life person. He was a physicist and a Mensa member. I did not drug, smoke , or used drug. He had just a lot of anger inside.
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 168
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:42:58 PM
yes very! he was a real cooter triple 6. physically and mentally verbally to people , my family,animals. Always threatened dont make Gwito come out! stole fuel from job sites. Had no respect for women! nor did his freinds. two timed belittled women . His hole life was a lie.the house he said he owned was rented he lived off his son 23 and his nephew. Never held a job ,enough to get I.E.Said he was a mechanic had no certification.The hunting mounts on his wall were from a garage sale and given to him . Mother had said, his said! Always gave other women compliments in front of me and I never received one.Id ask him why he`d say, stop being insecure.Never was allowed any signs of me around his home! found womens sun glasses clothing around his room . H e tried to convince me they had to be mine . Never any pics allowed of us two. Late night phone calls from women ,said it was his sister.never would leave his phone unattended. Freaked if it rang and I went anywhere near it. Stocked my home if I was at home. get pissed off if I was in town . CANCELL DATES LAST MIN. HEAD STRAIGHT TO MY BEDROOM AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY OR NIGHT TO SEE IF SOMEONE WAS THERE. iT WAS A LIVING HELL! The coldstream will never be the same!
Joined: 3/14/2009
Msg: 169
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:08:01 PM
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner

Yes....and it ended with me having to shoot him.
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 170
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:25:08 PM
To this thread for breaking the silence. To think, someone on POF tried to tell me that abuse was a rare occurrence.
These are the types of stories that need to be told -- it is how people can begin to break the cycle, by being honest.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 171
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:45:57 PM
You are a strange man
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 173
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:58:37 PM

Yes I was once in an abusive relationship.I came close to death several times .I was under his control .I couldnt leave .He was good at psycological warfare. I was a zombie running on autopilot.It was mental sexual and physical abuse. The turning point was when he threatened to kill my kids .I ran to the neighbors busted in their door hid my kids under their beds called the police.
My abuse was hid so well.I couldnt let anyone know I failed my 2nd marrage.I got good at coverin bruises black eyes I had his foot print on my stomach many times.I wore long sleeves . was scared to go out in my yard for fear of explaing to someone who saw me about the bruises.Towards the end the beatings were more often and worse.Id get so Id blank out ,pretend I was in another place.Id smile and bounce around like a rag doll as he beat me cause if I faught back he would draw blood. or worse do it in front of my kids. (remember we couldnt leave there was no help we couldnt leave we'd die)
it was getting rough he was chokingme one night I go in and out of concious.the went for my kids .I dont know where my strength came from but I caught him off guard and faught him like a man.Grabbed my kids ran for help and kept running .We left with nothing but the clothes on our backs and never stopped.
Its been many horrid events some I know I blocked out many too grusome to speak of to an audience were you cant see the compassion in their eyes (on forum instead of in person)many events hard to talk about.
This was 13 years ago.Ive been happily divorced ever since.I had to do alot of counceling along with my kids .The one thing I needed to know was why .I desperately needed to know why.It haunted me for years .I could never heal until I knew why.
I found this book "why does he do this to me"by lundy ????? sorry I made an earlier post of it in the forums I forget who the author is. this book answered all of my questions.I read it and cried it all out .For a couple days all I could do was hold the book and cry.Now my past no longer makes me cry.
Its been 13 years I feel healed .It was my choice to heal .Hes not controling me now.Im happy my kids are happy. Its my choice that he no longer decides my fate or happiness.
Wow, that is hard to read. It's nice to know you and your kids got out and survived. Sorry this type of abuse has to happen to anyone
Joined: 1/12/2009
Msg: 178
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/12/2009 5:32:24 AM
It takes great courage to stay within an abusive marriage


tremendous strength to leave.

The relief and weight lifted from your shoulders when you become "you" again is priceless.



Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 179
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/12/2009 5:53:38 AM
I have been mentally, emotionally and physically abused by three of my husbands. One mentally and emotionally, the second mentally and emotionally and the third all three....Wow!

My children suffered from my indescretions and still struggle in relationship issues. I've felt deep guilt and shame as a result of it, even though I, myself was a victim.

I love who I am now...a much stronger woman deep in wisdom and much, much more aware of the possibility for that to happen again.

I've received counseling and have read several books on the topic, have come to an understanding of the way people think and behave and am much happier now than I have ever been.

Each man was charming, intelligent, but in street ways, not in true deep wisdom. None of them had a love for God or followed any tenet other than their own manmade one from their own imagination.

I'm now hoping some day to meet a man who is deep and caring, who is aware each and every day of his temporal existance and his need for guidance from an Eternal God. I want a tender man with morals and respect for women. I want a man who respected his parents and his mother and sisters in particular, who loves children and is a provider and protector.

I can and do make it quite well on my own and am a very strong woman, I could physically take a man down now because of the self defense classes I've taken, I am financially stable and surprise myself daily at how many issues in life I handle so very well and God has truly blessed me with an exceptional body.

My best wishes to you and my truest sympathy. Life can and will get better and you will survive, not just survive, but take the past by the horns and make it work for you. Don't remain a victim, be a winner in every respect.
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