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Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 134
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 6 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
This is the first time I've ever posted, but I figure I may as well finally post.

I was in a emotionally/mentally abusive relationship for four years. I was retarded thinkign back on it, I'm much strong now than I was but hindsight is 20/20. I think the best quote I've ever possibly heard as to why women stay with men who are abusive in some form or another is this:

(This is from the movie "They Holiday")

" And every time she does something that tells you she are no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you. "

Sometimes when you've been with someone for so long it's scary to be alone. And you just fool yourself into thinking you are inlove with this person when you aren't. And generally this person tends to fill your head witht hese horrible thoughts that NO ONE will ever love you or thinks about you romantically besides them. And they are the best thing in your life. And after a while you start to believe it and then you don't want to be alone.

The truth of the matter is, they are dead wrong. Eventually, you'll wake up and realize what this person is doing/saying is wrong. And there is someone out there for you who will treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated. It's just a matter of being out there on your own, building up your self confidence and finding YOUR true self and not this broken person that your significant other turned you into.

It's hard to get over the damage but eventually you do.
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 135
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:34:55 PM
An excellent book for those who want to delve into the whys & wherefores of abusive relationships is: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft. I read it & have about 2/3s of it underlined- fit the one I was with to a "T"- highly recommended, & part of the counseling I went thru to understand the ramifications of what I had been involved with. It is hard to understand if you have never been there-
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 136
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:37:28 PM
you probally agitated him.. And, didnt love him.
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 137
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 7:13:56 PM
ok people you win. you can all sit here and pow wow and make things up to let it continue the abuse. but I am deleting my posts because you just dont get it. Ive gotten alot a slack over this, and wasnt sure if i should continue to write. I will stop writing and stop being pro active on the subject. you can all sit around and try to remember what you did wrong, insteed of waking up tommorrow and saying its a new day ! thatnk god Im here and Im woth it!!! tommorrow is gone and i can make my future bright!!!!!! stop the fear, get up and do something. you have your future, yesterday is gone. it will never come back!!!!!!!!! but everything you do tommorrow that is positive will, brightin my days and giveme just alitlle bit of happiness.
 NOLA Chick
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 138
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/15/2008 8:05:27 PM

ok people you win. you can all sit here and pow wow and make things up to let it continue the abuse. but I am deleting my posts because you just dont get it

Oh for heaven's sake. Beau, quit acting like a petulant child. You're trying to lay a guilt trip on people because they don't share your view and you're acting like we're all going to suffer the whole rest of our days because we didn't heed your advice. That's an abusers tactic. Just like blaming women for the abuse, which you also continually do.

Don't you understand? You mean well, but you're employing abusers methods out of ignorance and a need to feel special. You do more harm than good.
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 139
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:18:35 PM
she is a petulant child.
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 140
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 3:46:21 PM
You are so right, that there is never an excuse good enough to ever warrant abuse. And it certainly is abuse whether or not a punch is thrown or not. There happens to be a very good educational video (that was instrumental in helping me to see the abuse I was living with and to leave) called "It's not Like I Hit Her". There are men on it who have come to realize the terrible times that they caused, and some acted out scenarios in which power over the partner is highlighted through the different means - emotional, financial, psychological and intellectual control that abuse often takes without the victom suspecting what is going on 'til it is so ingrained into the roles of the interaction of the relationship. I will agree that we are responsible for getting out of abusive situations. But I won't blame the person going through an abusive situation for taking so long to get out because I fully understand how it can take a long time.
A friend once likened the whole process to a frog in a pot of cold water that is slowly brought to the boil vs. the reaction a frog would have to be immediately immersed into the already boiling pot of water. No one would stay if all the signs were as obvious and detrimental right away but these people are very conniving and convincing until as someone else noted here " you aren't even a person to yourself anymore". It takes a very long time to heal and return to who you were before you believed everything that this one person told you.
To all the strong women and men that have come out the other side of such situations - hooray for you.
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 141
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/18/2008 4:17:09 PM
Thank you for so eloquently describing the whole situation - these are exactly the types of things that go on. I posted before reading down to this post by andserendipity but it is all summed up succinctly in this one post. The slow degrading process - the way that both parties are feeling and reacting.
And as another lady has told in her story the abusive partner doesn't give up - it can continue even after divorce - sometimes even reinforced by courts and authorities- the financial control that can be exerted through alimony, the use of visitation or custody of the children. I am going through this now - he has influenced, co-erced, persuaded and encouraged the children to live full time with him. Parental poisoning is one term I have heard to describe the parental alienation that pits the children against one of their parents at the behest of the other - through all sorts of devious means. Withholding information or deliberately not passing along messages meant to be received by the child, even making up versions of events that eliminate the childs memory of the other parent even being present at events despite photographic evidence - these are some examples given in an article in June 16/2008 McCleans article by Ken MacQueen.
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 142
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:20:59 AM
Nola I wanna take your head and smash it in!!!!!!! are you just gonna stand there and let me do it!!!!!! stupid girls like you. your a wimp, a coward, and give these guys every thing they need to fuel abuse. And that is a really dumb girl. childish or not, you are defending yourself, cause admitting things are to painfull for you. you can mail me till your blue in the face(you can get hit till your blue in the face) So long as you keep your attidue you will never no what its like to be free. I will pray for you, you poor thing
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 143
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:28:29 AM
watch the movie the color purple, its an excellent educationl movie for this type of situation. In the end when the abuser has no one to abuse after woopie leaves, everything in his life crumbles. he has no one to abuse, She picks herself up says no more . You no what I love about htis country . freedom of speach. GUESS WHAT NOLA NEWS FLASH you have the freedom to do whatever you want(solong as legal) So the wake up . get a grip on yourself and stop the abuse. stop it. your hurting women bye saying AWWWWWWWWWW lets talk about it. lets talk!!!! talk is cheap ,, LET fricking do something about it. youll never win on this subject. DONE> and the plan to muzzle me will never happen
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 144
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:58:04 AM
Wow you sure are looking for attention in all the wrong places lady....checked your profile again, you want what you want when you want it.....sounds more like an abuser than some abusers. You still have no right to come down on others for their opinions, as you don't want others to come down on you. You seem very opinionated on things you know nothing of, but if your profile is any indication as to be a perfect mark, lady you got it.....grow up and get back into the real world before opening your mouth about things you know nothing of. Muzzle you? Freedom of speech is what you wanted now you have it so do the rest of us.
Good luck on your future endeavors, try and be safe....
Joined: 9/24/2008
Msg: 145
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:08:11 PM
I've was abused mentally and emotionally by my best friend for 3 years.
It's kind of weird thinking about how it all happened because we weren't even in a relationship. He was constantly telling me how much of a terrible person I was and how I don't deserve to be with anybody because I treat them terribly as well. Anyway, after night after night of crying and denial, I finally opened my eyes to the way he was treating me and I stopped all contact with him. After 4 months of ignoring him, I had to talk to him and get closure, I needed it because I would run into him constantly and just seeing him would bring back all the awful things he would say and I'd cry right after seeing him. He had a strong hold of me. When I called him, I was with my current boyfriend for about 5 months already, he acted as if nothing was wrong and everything was back to the way it was before all the abuse started. He started talking to me about how things were in his life and asked me about what was new in my life, so I told him about my boyfriend and what not, well apparantly they knew of each other and started asking how the I chose my boyfriend over him. At this point I was so fed up and just burst into tears, told him there never was a choice to make because he was absolutely no match to him, my boyfriend never made me feel like shit or hate myself. After that phone call it took me a year to feel comfortable with myself again, I still have issues with it all, but I'm getting there.
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 146
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:43:03 PM
Tina~ My heart goes out to you as I have been there. You are brave and have the courage of lions. Its real important you don't ever find yourself there listen and trust your gut feel about everything. My ex had something called a narcissistic personality disorder, and was emotionally abusive and later it turned to physical violence when I decided to leave him. He is now with another woman who is down on her luck..she has eight kids and she hasn't a clue what hes about. They seek out weaklings or people in need...yes and some already have self esteem problems. Almost like they have a honing device to spot them...then they manipulate and smile and do their dirty work. I am a survivor too and the greatest thing you did was expose him...they can't get away with much once exposed...but they will find God and try and make themselves look believably perfect...but they are not. I am proud of anyone male or female that has the courage to leave these hang in will get even better over time. You are a formidable woman...brave and courageous. Smile that you also survived it...a lot don't. Pass on your knowledge to it forward. I admire your openess and sharing it with us.
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 147
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:01:10 PM
thats right its a beautiful country for free speech and i love every minute of it. Thats who I am , if it grabs attention, it it grabs attention. thats the problom with this country everyone always wants hush, hush. well guess what, wake up ladies you live in a free country when its your chose to do what ever the heck you want. and what you want is not working out for you. Bye the way Judge judy is my hero. that chick tells it like it is. And so do I . cant take the heat , get away from the bon fire. what do you want me to say.............. AWWWW its ok hunny get your face bashed in. its gonna be fine, thats so unbelievable and typical of todays society. Nothing has changed for women. GET some balls and stand up for yourself.. If you have kids they look at you, and they are learning this type of behavior. One thing that will never happen with me in this life time, is being muzzled. ever , you can face the truth. it to painful.
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 148
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:30:36 AM
Good Luck with that...oh yeah when something does happen in your perfect little bubble that doesn't go along with your imaginary world.....don't bother to share with the rest of us. I think you have burned that bridge.
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 149
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:52:31 AM
YES! Was hit, yelled at, screamed at, etc...I was glad when our "relationship" self imploded and collapsed ( I should have left early on, but was lonely and inexperienced-hey, I was in my early 20's...) -also was glad when I saw that she and her husband tanked out in bankruptcy court for $250,000+!! Have a good day!!
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 150
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 9:37:21 AM
This thread made me think a lot about my marriage - whether there was abuse involved. In the initial years we used to have physical fights, basically due to non-compatability on all fronts. I am not a quiet sort and used to argue back and that would lead to a lot of rough-housing. He's the one who normally started the physical hurting, but I used to give back as good as I got - once he threw a vase at me which just missed my eye, instead gave me a bump on my forehead. To be fair, I've left scratch marks on him. But these sessions always ended up in my crying my eyes out - and he completely ignored me then. During this period I was a house-wife without much income to my name.

After the kids started school, I got a job and in 2 years' time I started to earn much more than him, and then the nature of fights changed. It stopped from being physical to passive emotional cold war from his side. I am a warm emotional person and expresses all my thoughts, and he's a cold fish. He started with-holding sex to punish me. I tried to talk to him zillions of time about it, suggested counselling, but he made it plain he didn't want sex with me anymore because I fight a lot. He'd just sit there and stare at me and say nothing when I tried to initiate patching up dialogues. After a few years I gave up and stopped hoping we'll ever have a normal relationship.

That's my tale of emotional/verbal/physical abuse. Never want to go through that again. With hindsight, if I were more mature I could have avoided the fights, but I am convinced nothing would have made us compatible.
Joined: 8/25/2008
Msg: 151
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 11:03:16 AM
I would like to add my own story...without pointing fingers at either the abused or the abuser...I just suggest you read and come to your own conclusions.

I come from a stoic German family with an alcoholic father who physically fought with my mother. I always assumed this was quite normal behavior except for the time he knocked her tooth out...but I was taught to speak only when spoken to and kept my mouth obediently shut. As the eldest and only sibling to go off to college, Ivy League, I was only too happy to leave the nest. Years later I learned from my younger siblings that my father became far more physically abusive during this time. He died of a massive heart attack in 1986, just months before I met my future husband.

When we got married in 1989 I had been living on my own for 6 years, had purchased a co-op, a car, had a well-paying demanding job in NYC and was doing quite well. There was nothing specific during our dating that alarmed me. Immediately upon returning from our honeymoon things changed. I saw signs of a controlling personality and this resulted in many loud shouting matches. Not one to ever consider bailing on a marriage I suffered in silence..often crying the entire 1-1/2 hour train ride into Manhattan. My husband soon became preoccupied with starting his own law practice and family obligations and work kept us busy and distracted. When we finally decided to start a family, it didn't happen as planned and we found ourselves immersed in the world of fertility clinics. This was enough to distract us again for several years...until we were successful and had a daughter in 1996. A son followed soon after in 1998.

It was then, when I became a stay-at-home mom that things changed most dramatically. I was a devoted mother and when kids got a bit older I became very involved in volunteer work. Slowly, over several years, our relationship became more tense. I felt he wasn't doing his fair share at home and he felt that I didn't appreciate his hard work. The insults started. When the house wasn't spotless I was "a slob."
I was berated for leaving the car in the driveway...not making a nutritious dinner...not being a good example for our kids. Vacations became torturous. My son spilled milk on himself at the airport one year and I was publicly crucified for not keeping a better eye on him. I was called a "fu**ing idiot" in front of our kids when I didn't read a map
the way I should have. I fought back with curses of my own, but the insults cut deep and hurt more than any blows could have. I gained weight...was a "fat cow" and
"disgusting." Things came to a head when one year we had a 16 year old exchange student, a relative of mine, living with us. That winter I felt completely abandonded by my spouse. There was no Christmas spirit in our home. He told me I was a "waste of a human life." While my kids were spending a few days with grandma I got on the phone with my daughter, who was all of 7 at the time, and told her that I was not a good mom. I told her that daddy and grandma could do a better job of it. Through my hysterical tears I told her that I would not see her again. I felt utterly worthless, alone and defeated. Can you imagine what this did to a 7 year old child??

I got in my car and drove off. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I couldn't be in my home any longer. My sister called me on my cell phone while I drove around my neighborhood. We had a long conversation during which she said I could live with her.
That I needed to get away from this man who everyone else could see had stolen my soul, my happiness, my sense of worth. I realized that I had no choice but to go on, that maybe it was time to re-evaluate my marriage. He tried to call me repeatedly, but I couldn't talk to him. I ignored his calls. I rented some movies and treated myself to a Big Mac, fries and a shake.

Alas, his revenge was to report my absence to the police. Upon my return home he told me I would be taken to a local hospital for evaluation. Long story short, I was admitted to a psychiatric facility. I spent that New Year's Eve alone, without my children, medicated and angry. I was diagnosed with severe depression. It was during my time there that I first thought about the concept of verbal abuse. I had never heard of it. Didn't know such a thing existed...despite my Ivy League education! I actually thought that I had discovered the term but later discovered many books written on the subject. Yes, we tried counseling, couples therapy and prayer, but never once did he acknowledge any part in this. In fact, he continued to belittle me by referring to my "mental illness." It was then I made up my mind that my marriage was over. It was unhealthy for me and for my children.

We have been married for 19 years now. I am currently separated, in the process of divorcing and have been living apart from my husband for almost 3 years. As you may recall, he is an attorney and had complete control of our finances for many years.
The abuse still goes on, but I've learned to hang up the phone or delete his e-mails.
I still live every day of my life trying to overcome the slow destruction of my self-esteem and self-worth. It can happen slowly and without your complete awareness. Sometimes I wish he had blackened my would have been so much easier to see the destruction. Instead, it took me almost wanting to take my own life to realize what was happening. I hope that anyone who reads this will come away with a greater understanding of verbal abuse. I also recommend the book "Not to People Like Us" by Susan Weitzman. It deals with hidden abuse in upscale marriages. You might be shocked to find that abusers are often the most "upstanding...model citizens." They are professionals who are often well liked in their community and their wives are often
intellegent, educated women. It is eye-opening.

In any case, I share my story so that you, reader, are now informed. My daughter and son will certainly be informed. Knowledge is power. Be wise, be safe and be happy.
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 152
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 7:12:18 AM
There seems to be alot of abusive type people looking for relationships.

Does anyone know what percentage of people have this quality?

I feel like I keep meeting them!
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 153
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 8:55:13 AM
Great book kitten~
It really brings it home to the reader. I have found a lot of narcissistic PD among professionals as well..what you described about him sounds like he had some of that going on. Its amazing a college degree allows people like this to get away with bad behavior. It almost feeds their entitlement attitudes. They measure themselves by the letters after their names and expect others to excuse their behavior because they are better than everyone else??? Sure seems that way eh? My heart goes out to you...I have been there done that and burned the T-shirt.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 154
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 9:20:21 AM
beau; until you have walked in someone's shoes and know for sure what the women feel, went through, suffered through- you have no room to voice your degrading remarks. Everyone clearly heard your point in the matter so now you can move on and quit bashing the abused even more than they have been. Alot of these women have left their abusers already- and are just telling their story to try and help others in the same situation. So quit being an abuser yourself, and acting like an imp and move on to a subject you understand.
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 155
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 9:33:41 AM
Yes I have also! I think that is why I tend to like being single more than dating someone. I don't really talk about it with anyone though. You are right there is light at the end of the tunnel and u have to learn to love yourself first. Then better things will come your way!
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 156
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 10:25:24 AM

I'm sitting here steaming at those who say it would never happen to them, they'd fight.

For those people who have never walked in the shoes of a victim; know that sometimes *not fighting* can save, yours or a loved one's life.

For those who have the courage to go on in life; and come here and talk about what some take years to do and/or can never speak of; I honor and applaud you all!

Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 157
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:25:27 AM
I am getting fed up with this Beau37 person. I was never abused and it was because I used my mother as an example, so I pick my men carefully. My father was a full time a-hole, and I was witness to the beatings, she did fight back physically, until she got enough together to move with four children.

My first MSc thesis was on male (yes male) victims of domestic abuse, and while I was writing that I was helping my female friend who was being abused psychologically by her husband to the point where she exhibited symptoms of mental illness... all the people who have had their experiences are trying to educate you on the issues and you are not helping, as someone pointed out.

I know about positive affirmations etc. and they are helpful and work at times, but using my mother as an example and saying it will not happen to me, and it has never happened, is no reason for me to go around strutting and beating my chest and telling thoso who were abused that I have the answer. The fact that they got out of it suggests that they stopped being victims and took control. It takes longer for some people depending on their cirucmstances, but none of the posters here are victims...they did something about it. Their stories will now help others who may be in a similar situation to say if that person did it then I can. The negativity and then the anger is not for this forum.
 kane stays
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 158
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:45:28 AM
Yes. I joined this site thinking I was ready. I'm not,so I changed to looking for friends.
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