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 AUTHOR
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 109
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a PartnerPage 8 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Up bringing has nothing to do with it for some people. Hell, I was raised to never even tolorate that at all. My situation was I did not see the jerks true colors until I moved. I say as soon as you see drama, just get the hell out. The guy i met hid a lot of things very well, but I was also a few states away. had I met him locally, I would have told him to go to hell before it ever got so bad. Scary thing is he is still on here doing the same thing. however I did see him (he did not see me) a couple weeks ago, and man does he look fat and miserable...lol So, karma is catching up with him. In more ways than one.
 Spinlady
Joined: 1/30/2007
Msg: 111
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/11/2008 8:45:55 PM
Yes, and Yes. Abuse is wrong, it doesn't matter if you're the victim or the agressor. It is still wrong. The only thing I hope to add is that if you are fortunate to have friends that can convince you to get help, cherish their friendship and guidence and get the help, as it could be the only thing that saves your life. My ex almost killed me. I have no clue as to his thinking or the reason he let me go. I don't care anymore. I got counseling and was able to move forward away from him. Another ex- was controlling to the point i lost my identity. I am now in the prosess of getting it back. I used to be a strong willed and outward going person. One day I hope to be that again. My daughter calls it getting my backbone back.

Some may read this and say that I made some very bad choices in men-you are right. I came from a dysfunctional family and until I got counseling I didn't have a clue how to select a guy. Now I am very selective, as is my right.

If you are in an abusive situation-PLEASE get help!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 119
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 12:20:46 PM
and I will say it over and over again you might not wanna hear it, and become defensive, but Im hoping even if you hate my post, you will really think about not giving these guys excuses anymore. it stops when you say NOOO MORE. end of story, I no my approach to this subject is raw, but if someone dosent tell you the truth, or give you another prospective that you can look at, then they dont care. believe me I care about you women. thats the only reason why I get upset. I alittle tough about it, but think about it please

Yep, I'm a victim ONCE. Then, I'm an active participant.

It is not as easy as you think it is. And as for the feminist aspect of it? Well, I suggest you read some Betty Freidan where she talks about how, while she was out becoming the voice of women's equality, her husband was beating the crap out of her at home, for decades.

Get educated PLEASE. You are not helping.

I think she is helping by posting a post that isn't centered around "victim mentality." We don't all have to agree, but at least there might be someone who reads that and thinks, "HEY.....I'm no longer going to be a victim." Unfortunately, I'm more than educated/experienced on the topic and I can say without a single doubt in my mind, being a "victim" is NOT empowering. It's when we STOP being the victim that we are no longer the victim. And whether or not anyone else agrees in this particular thread, my theory on this not only saved my life, probably my son's life and has been (for the most part) well received in the domestic violence groups that I have attended over all these many years ~ not ALL women/men want to keep the title "victim" and if no one speaks a different language ~ it will remain status quo. (And keep in mind, men are the quickest growing demographic in domestic violence today.) Another problem with the "victim" situation is not only tragic, but keeps they cycle of violence alive and compounding: "victims" are NOT hard to find, seek out and manipulate. It's in their body language, it's in their eyes, it's in their words. Empowerment of self is much less attractive to an abuser than the alternative. (And yes, I'm well aware that self-esteem, escape plans, learning to live again, returning to an abuser, etc., etc., are never easy things to combat ~ regardless, new opinions/mindsets are vital since no two people are the same ~ just one fresh opinion might set one more person free.) JMO
 anita.74
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 123
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:10:34 PM
Me beeing a strong women, I too allowed a man to mentally abuse me, its hard to put a stop to it when you are in love, but its our choice, Im a single mother so it was my daughter that gave me the strenght, so I was able to live this relationship behind me, but I understand all of you.....we just need to be stronger and belive in ourselves because we are beautifull and we dont deserve this.....
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 126
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 8:43:00 AM

I am talking about standing up and saying enough is enough


There is never an excuse for someone to abuse you. It is a cycle and until you have gone through it, you'll never fully appreciate it or understand it.

I did stand up and say enough is enough and still, 2 years later, he attempts to continue his behavior toward me. Because we have a daughter I have to speak to him about our daughter, but I don't have to allow him to talk to me that way anymore (the put downs, snide remarks, the chipping away at my core). I set ground rules with him and he laughed at them saying they're my rules and he isn't playing a game by my rules. He once said that since he never hit me he wasn't abusive.

I will agree that we are responsible for getting out of abusive situations. But I won't blame the person going through an abusive situation for taking so long to get out because I fully understand how it can take a long time.

~Peace and Mad Love~
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 127
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/13/2008 7:40:52 PM

You're absolutely right, it's not. However, telling a woman who is being victimized that it's her fault, is also not empowering.

Ummm ~ I don't believe I've read anywhere in this thread that anyone one alternative opinion is blaming the abused (whether woman or man.) I certainly was NOT stating that, I said that after one time, I became a willing participant. I'm not blaming myself because he was an abusive idiot ~ I take FULL responsibility for the fact that after ONE time, I allowed it to happen again. I'm still here, so that would indicate that at some point I was wise enough to get out. Why didn't I get out after time number 1? Apparently I wasn't ready to go. If I can do it with a 12 day old baby ~ anyone can do it. Today, there are MANY more options than I had ~ we need to educate on those options rather than to render an excuse to stay (i.e.: victimization.) JMO
 maryb1956
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 132
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History
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 9/14/2008 6:41:10 AM
yes, twice while married to my x-husband he raped me. literaly raped me, it will never happen again with me, i will fight back, and hard....maryb1956
 phishkev
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 149
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History
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/2/2008 8:52:31 AM
YES! Was hit, yelled at, screamed at, etc...I was glad when our "relationship" self imploded and collapsed ( I should have left early on, but was lonely and inexperienced-hey, I was in my early 20's...) -also was glad when I saw that she and her husband tanked out in bankruptcy court for $250,000+!! Have a good day!!
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 155
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 9:33:41 AM
Yes I have also! I think that is why I tend to like being single more than dating someone. I don't really talk about it with anyone though. You are right there is light at the end of the tunnel and u have to learn to love yourself first. Then better things will come your way!
 liznude
Joined: 7/16/2007
Msg: 157
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/11/2008 11:25:27 AM
I am getting fed up with this Beau37 person. I was never abused and it was because I used my mother as an example, so I pick my men carefully. My father was a full time a-hole, and I was witness to the beatings, she did fight back physically, until she got enough together to move with four children.

My first MSc thesis was on male (yes male) victims of domestic abuse, and while I was writing that I was helping my female friend who was being abused psychologically by her husband to the point where she exhibited symptoms of mental illness... all the people who have had their experiences are trying to educate you on the issues and you are not helping, as someone pointed out.

I know about positive affirmations etc. and they are helpful and work at times, but using my mother as an example and saying it will not happen to me, and it has never happened, is no reason for me to go around strutting and beating my chest and telling thoso who were abused that I have the answer. The fact that they got out of it suggests that they stopped being victims and took control. It takes longer for some people depending on their cirucmstances, but none of the posters here are victims...they did something about it. Their stories will now help others who may be in a similar situation to say if that person did it then I can. The negativity and then the anger is not for this forum.
 familygal2
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 168
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:42:58 PM
yes very! he was a real cooter triple 6. physically and mentally verbally to people , my family,animals. Always threatened dont make Gwito come out! stole fuel from job sites. Had no respect for women! nor did his freinds. two timed belittled women . His hole life was a lie.the house he said he owned was rented he lived off his son 23 and his nephew. Never held a job ,enough to get I.E.Said he was a mechanic had no certification.The hunting mounts on his wall were from a garage sale and given to him . Mother had said, his said! Always gave other women compliments in front of me and I never received one.Id ask him why he`d say, stop being insecure.Never was allowed any signs of me around his home! found womens sun glasses clothing around his room . H e tried to convince me they had to be mine . Never any pics allowed of us two. Late night phone calls from women ,said it was his sister.never would leave his phone unattended. Freaked if it rang and I went anywhere near it. Stocked my home if I was at home. get pissed off if I was in town . CANCELL DATES LAST MIN. HEAD STRAIGHT TO MY BEDROOM AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY OR NIGHT TO SEE IF SOMEONE WAS THERE. iT WAS A LIVING HELL! The coldstream will never be the same!
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 179
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/12/2009 5:53:38 AM
I have been mentally, emotionally and physically abused by three of my husbands. One mentally and emotionally, the second mentally and emotionally and the third all three....Wow!

My children suffered from my indescretions and still struggle in relationship issues. I've felt deep guilt and shame as a result of it, even though I, myself was a victim.

I love who I am now...a much stronger woman deep in wisdom and much, much more aware of the possibility for that to happen again.

I've received counseling and have read several books on the topic, have come to an understanding of the way people think and behave and am much happier now than I have ever been.

Each man was charming, intelligent, but in street ways, not in true deep wisdom. None of them had a love for God or followed any tenet other than their own manmade one from their own imagination.

I'm now hoping some day to meet a man who is deep and caring, who is aware each and every day of his temporal existance and his need for guidance from an Eternal God. I want a tender man with morals and respect for women. I want a man who respected his parents and his mother and sisters in particular, who loves children and is a provider and protector.

I can and do make it quite well on my own and am a very strong woman, I could physically take a man down now because of the self defense classes I've taken, I am financially stable and surprise myself daily at how many issues in life I handle so very well and God has truly blessed me with an exceptional body.

My best wishes to you and my truest sympathy. Life can and will get better and you will survive, not just survive, but take the past by the horns and make it work for you. Don't remain a victim, be a winner in every respect.
 familygal2
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 181
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/12/2009 8:28:35 AM
To add more to my postMy 15 yr old daughter went to his home after the split His son 23 had flirted heavy with her. He already had a girlfreind 16 with a baby16 months old from another guy. They always told new people she was 23. She drank a great deal with them. She was a bad mother . The baby was a burdon when I met the girl.The guys always her offered her pot, drinks . She said all three were so creepy.They If I phoned there to check on her theyd lie that she wasnt there when she was. They took her places I`D NEVER APPROVE OF! Insisted they buy my 14 yr old a prostitute for his birthday. Sick! Always shot at the Canadian geese , beaver, neighbors dog. On Kal lake. Fire cracker thrown into schools of fish. Always threatened with guns.Have many threatening texts saved fro the nephew.In the summer the ex attacked my daughter 15 at the time. She asked him to be polite to us he was fighting with his son oiver a ski boat his son bought. He claimed it was his boat. He always claimed he bought !he owned every! He always wanted power and control! His attack on my daughter was witnessed by a off duty cop and his retired probation wife. they got us to safety. He had huge issues of erectile disfunction and no matter how supportive I was he raged it was my fault.The ex had a huge issue with the sons girlfreind always spoke he had to get rid of the ****!He wanted his son back . The three guys always belittle the girl for weight gain said shes going to look like shit in the summer.The son tried to control her! Like the father did to me .wE AS FEMALES WERE ALL TWO TIMED ON! Neither of us were letting it happen! THE THREE WERE CLUNG TO EACH OTHERS HIP! NO! FEMALE CAME FIRST NO MATTER WHAT !. THEY WOULD DROP FEMALES LIKE A HOT POTATOE IF ONE OF THEM WANTED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.i NSURANCE SCAMS THEY TRUMPED UP! TO PAY RENT. THE NEPHEWS MOTOR BIKE SCAM.TO SUPPORT A COCAINE DRINKING HABIT. THERE ARE STILL KIDS AROUND THESE GUYS AND ITS A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE ONE KILLS SOME ONE!
 familygal2
Joined: 2/13/2009
Msg: 182
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/12/2009 10:27:57 AM
I AM A STRONG INDEPENDANT WOMEN! THERE IS NO MAN OR WOMEN WHO WILL EVER BREAK ME DOWN! I VALUE MYSELF AND OTHERS TOO MUCH! I POST PARTS! THERES ALOT MORE! OF MY ABUSE EXPERIENCE TO SUPPORT PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP OR COMMEND THE ONES THAT GOT OUT ALIVE! THIS IS A MESSAGE OF YOU CAN GET OUT SAFELY! I`M AFRAID FOR THEIR NEXT VICTIMS! I WAS NEVER AFRAID!!!!! I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE IN ORDER TO SAVE ANOTHER. THERE ARE STILL KIDS INVOLVED! THEY ARE NOT SAFE. YES!!!! MINISTRY IS NOTIFIED AS WELL AS RCMP.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 186
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/14/2009 9:12:45 PM
my ex wife would constantly accuse me of looking at women and lusting after them. i didn't like walking on eggshells. but she would imagine all these scenarios with women and belittle me. nothing could be further from the truth. i adored her. it took years for me to stop loving her after the divorce. of course she found a lover from work and was cheating on me. she married him 10 days after our divorce was final. i didn't date for years after ward.
 malibume
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 190
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/15/2009 11:54:28 AM
Abusive relationships are hard to overcome! I personally have been there and its hard! Its a place I will never again go!
 I_stay_fly
Joined: 10/15/2008
Msg: 193
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/15/2009 3:22:07 PM
hmmm that could be misconstrued as a mean thing but perhaps url etting ur insecurity and the fact that u, by ur own admission are heavy, add more sting to the statement..my best friend is heavy..i lovem like a brother, we crack jokes and sumtimes who knows..maybe we go to far but we all know its just bs talk....no one is perfect, and we all have our faults and flaws...enjoy life more and if the weight thing bothers u, they try to do something about it..i am sure ur beautiful...especially to him
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 200
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/16/2009 10:29:29 PM
Yes, Yes, Yes. I realize I am a jerk magnet. My counselor says they seek women out, like me. Kind, sympathetic, giving, nurturing. Then they test my love. How much will I put up with? I am ashamed to say, I have put up with a lot.
We lived on a private farm. Gates all locked at 5 p.m. I was locked in every evening.
He had the key to get out. When he came in the door, I had no idea what would happen. Is he in a good mood, was he mad about something at work? Was the house clean enough, the meal good enough? This was the 3rd chance he had. Yes, I actually went back for more. Bruises on my neck, my back, my arms, all covered up, so noone would see. The blows to my self esteem were the worst. Now I look for this, in every guy I date. That's why I dont date anymore. Too many show signs way too early of this type of controlling, manipulation. Fortunately, for those of us that know the true signs, we are able to distinquish the real, from the fake or unhealthy affections, and can cut it off in the early stages. We have learned bullsh**. And know it when we see it. If I have to be alone the rest of my life, at least I will know, I didnt allow another person to abuse me.
Sometimes, I think I will never put this behind me. There is just too much of it. Counselor after counselor have said, I am strong, independent. I wonder though. I think I am paranoid, scared to allow another person mean so much to me, to have that much "hold" over me, that I could accept that kind of treatment and actually forgive it.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 201
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/16/2009 10:38:35 PM
Yep, sure was. But try to get some one to believe you when you're the guy and you're the victim. My ex was a master at verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. I lost a lot of friends when we got divorced because it just had to be MY fault. Over the years most of them appologised after having some experience with her and finding out first hand what a bi.tch she can be.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 203
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 4/21/2009 9:57:54 PM
I have been both mentally and physically abused by exes. I did not stick around, either. Yes, they are conivving.

That is one of the red flags I see with men on this site, too. If you disagree with some, they flip it around to make us the bad guy. It's manipulation.
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 211
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:38:40 AM
I can so relate to all of these posts, but instead of it being a boyfriend, it's my father. Yes, I moved in with him a year ago, and he verbally abused me and physically too as a child, and he is verbally and emotionally doing it again. In all my relationships, not one man was abusive cause I wouldn't take it, but I never got past dating in most relationships, never lived with a man, never been married, and I might be honest in saying I just am too scared to let any man get that close and thus have that kind of power over me. (in my head) So, it's definitely screwed up my life. I am in the process of secretly looking at apartments to get away from my father, who is holding onto me with an iron grip. Saying I am too sick with diabetes to have friends or live on my own. He imposes a harsh curfew of 5 pm on the one day a week I am allowed to go out, and his whole family says I am ungrateful to him even though I am paying more than my share of the rent, etc. I just don't feel like me anymore, or a shadow of my former self, and even being stuck in a hospital bed is better than this. I sometimes dream of getting sick enough to get in a hospital so I can just tell them, "help me, help me, get me out of here."

So, yeah, I definitely can sympathize with everything that everyone has been going through here.

M
 skeptical87
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 218
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 4:58:31 PM
All I am going to say is yes and leave it at that.
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 221
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Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:31:52 PM
I think if the truth were told there are far more women and men being abused than anyone wants to admidt. IMHO the core of it is vunerability. Young people are pushed out onto the street way to early, with way to few skills, and often little or no support network of near by family and friends. It is little surprise that the bully mentality is rampant and so many are living in fear in bad relationships private and public. The sagging economy is certainly not helping.

What I have learned from experience is even in very tough times America does not expect anyone to live on their knees. If you ask for help to escape abuse the systems are in place if you are willing to work to rebuild your life . Men included. A single call will refer you to shelter and all sorts of resources. You will be believed. Chances are you did not get in the situation and you probably are not going to get out quick. Not likely you are going to be able to do it "your way". You may have to leave a lot of THINGS behind and live in a shared living situation, be on state assistance, maybe return to school, AND work at some crummy jobs standing in line for legal assistance, medical care, and counseling to have the things you need but with drive and determination you can be amazed how great life can be in about a year. If you are in an abusive situation think how many years you have seen lost just on the few people who have soken up here. Save yourself.

More importantly save your families. If children are involved do NOT kid yourself watching/listening to abuse of either parent is HURTING your children. They learn what they live. It will effect all areas of their lives to live in that kind of toxic home. Your extended family suffers too. Parents and siblings have terrible stress when you make them helpless; secondary victims. If you allow abuse, even if you stay, they can and do become victims anyway.

The risk for sure is real. If you are reading this and think someone is going to just let you walk away; especially with your kids, you are probably right. But it is possible with professional help not only document your abuse but plan your "escape" and your future. YOU HAVE THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE! Sometimes your family will come through for you , sometimes not; but it will surprise you the people who know what is going on and are just waiting for you to make your move. And the strangers that will help if you are courteous and appreciate the efforts they are giving you with simple Thank you's and responsible behavior.

The reality is, we as citizen's, can and do need to support the developement of prevention and recovery programs. Also putting teeth in laws that won't allow domestic violence. It is costing a fortune in medical costs, lost work, public services, crime, and taxes. That doesn't scratch the surface of the human toll.
 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 223
Have You Ever Been Mentally or Physically Abused by a Partner
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:10:33 AM
I have been "held hostage" before.

Its amazing how abusers when you meet them they are the "smoothest" this guy was a gentleman in every sense of the term but his violent side escalated very very slowly. By the time I realized what I was dealing with, I was just glad it didn't last too long. First he threatened to drive me over the bridge, then we get home he held me hostage for about 10 hours. Before that there were incidences that I let go eg we went to a pub and some biker put his legs around my chair and my back was turned on the biker but he flipped and blamed me for "seducing the biker" that the guy would not have done that if I "didn't look like I wanted it" LOL! He was always trippin, tryin to locate me, and things like that. He bought me a phone and later I realized that it was one of those "locatable" types so that he can know where I am every single time. I decided to end it with him "amicably" because I was scared of what he can do, I think he was afraid I would file charges after he held me hostage so he kept away from me but started to call me after a while I changed my number.

There are very disturbed folk out here.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 231
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History
Good that you put this out there
Posted: 12/11/2013 8:00:24 PM
People search the forums for information like this. You identified the course of things very well--you were deeply in love, then things changed over time, he became more controlling and you tried to over look this.

Hope you are doing well today. Lucky you did research and had good family support.
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