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 ReasonableMan
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 285
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?Page 5 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
I'm just as afraid to approach women now, in my 50's, as I was at 20 and 30. Which only shows what good sense I had and have. Courage, they say, is moving forward in the face of fear. I disagree. It's just that some women make me forget to be afraid. I'm always grateful to find such women and never sorry I took the risk, no matter what the outcome.
 arkirish
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 290
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:25:41 PM
No I just think most me over 40 (or in my case 50) are afraid to approach a women is because they are afraid of rejection.
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 292
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:59:40 PM
Sorry to say that, but your profile doesn't target 40+ women. Too much sex talk.... sounds a little immature. I am sure you are a nice person. So, if you make your profile a little bit more "grown up" you'll have responses from 40+ women.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 294
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:41:10 PM

No I just think most me over 40 (or in my case 50) are afraid to approach a women is because they are afraid of rejection.

I'm with AW on this...it's called
" No guts no glory!"
Cindy O
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 295
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History
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:59:23 PM
And that goes both ways my dear friends........

No guts, no glory......BUT........being subtle and yet exact is something both men and women can do to let the other know their interest......

Insecurity and rejection is not limited to one gender or the other, and at our age and maturity, it takes both to make things happen......

There is nothing wrong with making sure that the man you want to know sees you looking and you keep that eye contact to let him know that you would like to have him initiate more.

A smile, comment, eye contact that lasts, all will go hand in hand with that man approaching you with the confidence that you really do want him there.

Just my opinion......
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 297
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:33:40 PM
@c deacon
Oh I absolutely agree with you.



There is nothing wrong with making sure that the man you want to know sees you looking and you keep that eye contact to let him know that you would like to have him initiate more.

A smile, comment, eye contact that lasts, all will go hand in hand with that man approaching you with the confidence that you really do want him there


But these days it does seem like it's a bit more of a project to get 'em to bite hard enough to set the hook(a little analogy there LOL)


A smile, comment, eye contact that lasts, all will go hand in hand with that man approaching you with the confidence that you really do want him there

And these little gestures and graces are very difficult to pull off ONLINE...
Cindy O
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 298
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:52:59 PM
I do approach, but in most cases I'm prepared to deal with rejection. Still, a guy can only deal with so much rejection before he needs to withdraw and regroup.

And there are plenty of women out there who are just as callous about rejecting men as they were in their 20s; after a while it just gets old. But it certainly is fun when a woman is willing to spend a little time to give things a chance.

The nicest rejections are the ones where a woman takes a moment to think about it and expresses genuine regret that she's not available for me. I know that women like that are keepers for some very lucky guys!
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 299
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History
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:57:27 PM
Of course body language compared to written language is much different, and keying takes even more creative approaches to share that invitation to know you better.

This is one reason that I am much in favor of meeting as soon as possible, or if not possible, taking the knowing each other to private email, messenger, cam, phone and give both of you the chance to communicate your intentions, desires, wants, and opportunities....

If there is one place that is much more equal, when is comes to approaching and inviting another to know you, it is here on the computer in internet land..... The only one that will see who and why you are inviting will be the one you sent to message to, unlike an open environment like a cafe, bar, or night club.

Equality has it price, and no matter if thought of as good or bad......approaching, inviting, and dating is much more of an equal opportunity activity now, more than ever. So......I tip my hat to all assertive women that will forge on with this equality and let me know their desire to know me as much, if not more than I will them.......

Just my opinion.......
 Milkmoney118
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 300
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:52:12 PM
No guts, no glory......BUT........being subtle and yet exact is something both men and women can do to let the other know their interest....The key word here is to be exact, let it be known what you want. I've read the drama about the "lunachicks", unfortunately they do make it harder for the women that don't have ulterior motives, hangups or excess baggage, to meet a guy without the same. If men and women could get over their dating insecurities, become true to themselves and others, it would be a beautiful thing...Life is too short to sweat the stupid sh*t, enjoy every moment, you may not meet the "one" but you can make a few great friends along the way. If they don't like you, who cares, it doesn't change the person you are, they just don't know a good thing when it hit's them in the face...
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 301
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:27:27 PM
It's a generational thing. Men like me who came of age during the gender-wars era have had a rougher go of it than either older men (who could simply follow the old-school rules and reap the rewards) or younger men (who were never promised the old-school privileges and don't feel like the rug got pulled out from under them).

Our generation made the same sacrifices and were subjected to the same emotionally crippling training as young boys of previous generations, but what those earlier generations of men got for their trouble when they came of age was a certain deference from women and a great deal of social support for doing a man's job in a man's world. However, in our generation, the rules all changed--just at the time that we were ready to take on the adult roles that we'd been trained for.

However, those roles were no longer honored and the privileges that went with them were systematically stripped from us. Believe me, we felt the loss. Even though we had no right to "male privilege," we hadn't really done anything other than follow the rules, so it was incomprehensible to us that we really couldn't keep it. And what was worse, we were vilified for having bought into those roles when they were the only roles we'd been offered. Even the men (like me) who supported women's equality were denounced and deprogrammed to whatever degree we could stand before we had to tune out in order to continue functioning.

So, in addition to being asked to give up our "male privilege," we've also been asked to maintain the dual role of both equal partner and romantic lead. It hasn't been easy. And depending on who we approach, women who don't understand what we've given up so that y'all can enjoy your equality (which of course you should), either slam us for being too much the gentleman or not enough--and we never know which form of rejection it's likely to be. However, we're pretty sure there won't be a whole lot of compassion for us as human beings either way.

And that isn't just old-school thinking because, really, how could there be? Y'all haven't had the relevant experience and lack a frame of reference for understanding what it was like on our side--and since you were the identified victims, you've had no motivation for looking at how it felt to us. You had to win, and you did what you had to do. And there is nothing for you to regret except perhaps the necessity of it.

So on the whole, when men of our generation reach the midlife crisis stage and realize that: a) we never will get the youth we'd hoped for, b) we're faced with a crop of women who to some degree have regarded us as their oppressors all along and to a certain extent still do, and c) that in such a climate--however subtle it might be--we're never going to enjoy the gratitude for being placed at risk to die in combat to keep y'all safe. When htat weight truly hits home, we find it easier just to give it a rest.

You're still great to look at, but we have no idea what to do with you beyond that--and the bottom line is that you really have no idea what to do with us. You might not realize that, but we do.

Honestly, if those younger men are approaching you with romance in mind, you just might want to take 'em up on it. Much less complicated for you than trying to deal with us scarred-up mid-lifers. --especially when there is so little awareness or concern over the effect that the transition has had on us. Of course, we're not entirely blameless in that--we could have done our own political analysis, raised our own conscsiousness, and followed your example to get emancipated ourselves, but this is where the hope for those very privileges that we were promised but never got has truly blinded us. And blind we remain.

Not that feminism was wrong in any way. It wasn't. What happened to us was unfortuante but necessary, and we just weren't equipped to deal with it. But now you say you want something from us that we aren't giving you. So, if you want to know why that might be and what can be done about it you might try so see if you can put yourself in our position. --that is, the position of someone toward whom the social and moral accusations were aimed, who was just trying to follow the rules he was taught, who had to weather all that without either emotional support from you or the skills to support himself (old-school training you know). Then you can perhaps begin to appreciate why we might not want to put ourselves in the position of being rejected in yet another way by you now. We're just done.

And even if most middle-aged men who hestiate to approach you might not articulate it this way--probably because we were trained not to talk or even think about such things but just to act (or in this case refrain from acting stupidly)--the history of the era was what it was, and this reluctance on the part of men in our generation is some of the fallout.

So please do enjoy your emancipaton! And please be generous with us because we too paid a price for it. It would be nice if we could share the joy of your freedom more fully with you, but in order for that to happen you're probably going to have to take some initiative to share it with us. As the beneficiaries of that history, don't you think it might be incumbent on you to do that?

After all, you are the winners. The question in the backs of our minds is this: Now that you've won, will you be gracious winners or not? We'll just have to see.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 303
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:23:36 PM
Thanks for your kind words, Z.

I'll be right out for some of that chocolate!

I'm not surprized that you aren't feeling like a winner. What kind of a victory is it when all you got was what you were entitled to anyway?

When a person is in the position of having an unearned privilege bestowed by virtue of birth and social convention, and not earned by one's own personal achievement--it can be very difficult to tell the difference between what is a privilege and what is a right.

It all feels the same--like a part of my birthright. So why should I ever give any of it up and who is anyone to tell me that I have to?

Well ... that's the wrong answer. When rights and privileges come into conflict, such as women's rights and men's privileges under the old rules, rights trump privileges and the rules have to change. That's just how it is.

Back then, we didn't have the vocabulary of civil rights that we do now, so we couldn't make it just that clear. The unclarity and perceived unfairness/unreasonableness on both sides didn't help matters, but the bottom line is that the feminist cause was just and women now have a reasonable expectation of equal opportunity and equal treatment in the workplace. It's not perfect but the vastly better than it was, and the progress for women isn't stopping any time soon.

However, that still leaves us scarred-up men who got nothing, not even a thank you, when we finally, grudgingly, and petulantly had to acknowledge that women had rights and we had to honor them. And honestly, since we handled it that way for the most part there's really not much to thank us for.

Still, the fact is that we finally made the changes because, when it comes right down to it, we love you and want you to be as free as you want to be. But the fact that you wanted to be free of us, or so it seemed, still hurts us.

However, I do understand why you'd have wanted to be free of all the BS you got from us. I really do. And I regret that so many of us had so little grace along the way. But then, it's hard to respond positively to ugly attacks upon one's character rather than respectful criticisms of one's ignorant behavior--and we also didn't have the vocabulary of nonviolent communication back then. Thank goodness that the young people of today have a better conceptual framework for working out differences than we had!!!

But it was how it was for us. And since we men got somewhat blindsided by all those attacks (justified though many of them were by circumstances if not conscious intent), we have an expectation that there will be more of that to come from you. And all too often, that expectation is fulfilled by women who don't get it that to one extent or another, most of us are walking wounded.

So, if you want a man who's intact, younger might be better. If you want _us,_ you might want to let us know. But if you just want to reform us some more, or to pretend that all that didn't happen so that you can feel more romantic, it still isn't _us_ that you want. And, dense though we may be, we've finally figured that much out.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 306
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/23/2008 10:20:09 PM
Hey Friendly,

I'm glad that you found something that works for you. If we all could have agreed to respect each other and reform the old rules that might have been much nicer for us all.
That sounds a lot like that's what you've come to. However, not everyone wants that and we can no longer presume that they should. But it's great for you and I'm happy for you!

Also, I understand that things got more complicated and difficult for women as well. But the fact of the matter is that for all that, women's fortunes and prestige have increased while men's have diminished. And that is the natural outcome of moving from a status of unearned privilege to a status of greater equality. I don't have a problem with that.

I do have to quibble with you about your statement that men are happier when leading their families. Many men like to pretend that they're the leaders, and some of them even fool themselves--though a few men really can and do pull it off. But not having to visibly lead was one of the old-school privileges of being female, as was not having to work outside if there was a man around who could do that for you.

Personally, I _don't_ like feeling needed. It gives me the creeps. I much prefer feeling _respected._ If a man performed under the old rules, he got that respect--at least outwardly. But since things changed? There is no formula now that a man can follow to garner any respect from a woman. So, we can't really know for sure when we are out of line or when a woman is. The very need in a man for such a formula is viewed as a weakness in and of itself, even though we give housecleaners and garbage collectors job descriptons and pay them their due for work we consider utterly menial.

Men our age have no expectation of any respect at all from women--especially not when we first approach. Some of that is on us for sure. But some of it is not. You can't do much about the part of it that's on us. But you can do something about that part that isn't--and that might be enough to make the difference between a man our age feeling comfortable about approaching you or not.

As I've said before, the rejections that come after a woman has taken a moment to consider me--even if she's just faking it to spare my feelings--are fine with me. Sometimes they're even affirming,which is a strangely wonderful experience when it happens. But those rejections are pretty rare.

One thing that really bugs me is when a woman brutally rejects me and then, when she sees me having a good time flirting with another woman, starts signalling interest. It happened to me just last night. She might not have remembered her having trashed me, but I sure do. And so I'm supposed to do what, ditch a woman who might actually like me for her because she claimed her privilege to change her mind? Puleeeze.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 311
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 7/27/2008 5:40:59 AM
Sometimes we women feel the same about men, I want a man to compliment my life, not complicate it.
 arkirish
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 312
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/6/2008 1:46:15 PM
I'm not discribing myself. It says are men in general. Not me I'm game for most anything. Lets just have some fun
rick
 arkirish
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 313
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/6/2008 1:47:32 PM
I'm afraid I gave you the wrong Idea. It asks about most men. I'm not most men, I'm game for anything.
rick
 Optimistic for 2008
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 314
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/6/2008 6:59:11 PM
I can only speak for myself when I say I'm not only NOT afraid to approach a woman that I see and for what ever reason feel an attraction to.... I've developed what I think are a couple of good opening lines...

I know for a fact several women I've approached have been flattered and had no problem at all with me approaching them......I must have good taste because so far the women that I've been inspired to approach have been in relationships...

My philosophy...if you don't ask you won't know...and for the record I always check the ring finger, if it's occupied I move along quietly....
 itsmekenny
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 317
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:13:16 PM
for me it's these damn sexual harrassment laws. i've had women get mad because i just said hello while walking past them, and opening doors for them, for refering to a group of 2 or more women as ladies. i'm old fashened and believe in traditional gender rolls. and i have my pride. something men are not allowed because manly pride offends women. well that's tough because i will not date a woman who makes more that me or is stronger than me or is independent. screw that crap. i need to feel like a man. i want to take pride in being a man. but these days just being "male" is politically incorrect. my rule? if your a liberated independent woman who lifts weights, then i'm not interested.


kenny
 Tulips Reign
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 319
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/7/2008 2:12:54 AM
YIKES! Hmmm...so what's my chances for finding a guy at my age?

I was hopeful that someone might be interested...now I'm thinking I'm just going to have to start approaching men...not something I'm comfortable with...

I hear what you guys were saying about the eye contact...I'll keep that in mind...forward any other tips you have my way.

I'm feeling lonely now.

 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 323
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:14:52 AM

Although I cannot speak for other men I can tell you how I handle things. I am fortunate to live in a large urban area in which a large number of folks over 45 are single. There are literally more single events around here than it is humanly possible for one person to attend but I get to some.



...California here I come.

I too love in a large urban centre but unfortunately there are very few single events for people my age. I attended a couple of functions but it reminded me so much of high school dances.... very little interaction between the groups, men on one side....well you know. Anyhow, I was disappointed in the few that I attended and never went back

...maeflowers
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 327
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 9/20/2008 12:11:56 PM
The longer I live the more practice I get in approaching women. I can remember when I was young and inexperienced, filled with trepidation and afraid to approach a young lady. Today, I find it as easy as pie.
 Beminetonight
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 329
view profile
History
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 10/14/2008 7:47:26 AM
Maybe it's not an increase in the fear, but a decrease in the force of the hormones pushing the guy forward.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 334
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 10/14/2008 1:59:56 PM

The last time it happened, I held the door for a women and she said, I don't need you to do that for me, I'm more than capable of doing it my self in a very snotty way.

That's just...sad. And I loved the comeback!
Look, I hate it when men talk down to me,or think that I must somehow use my 'feminine wiles' to survive as a single woman,or think that they can screw me over because I am. But polite gestures like opening or holding a door open for me,or a date opening the car door, or helping me with my coat, are just good manners and women who hiss at men for good manners are pathetic creatures, IMO.

About 2 years ago I just started picking my head up and looking around and I was floored by the number of people, both male and female who are walking isolated in the world staring at the floor.
Then they come to internet dating sites because it's the "only" way to meet people. Mind boggling, isn't it?
Cindy O
 allanf123
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 337
view profile
History
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 10/14/2008 4:06:49 PM
Don't be silly. It's the 30 year old girls that are scaredy cats. I'm ready to RUMBLE!
 botcher
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 340
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 10/25/2008 7:07:36 PM
I can only speak for myself. Coming out of a long marraige, it's been a huge amount of time since I had to look. And trying to figure out if the friendly smile is just that or a "hey there" is not easy. When you see a nice woman in a store and she seems to notice you... at our age you have to think married, taken, etc... And the thought that goes into it makes you hesitate. Then you got to do the ring-check and all that...lol.

I can be a bit shy but I do seem to do well talking with women and my female friends tell me I have a lot of charm and good looks (they are all blind..or owe me money..lol). But asking the question or approaching someone... and facing rejection... is hard to get in practice of again.

The singles sites are a good place to test the waters and for some it works out. I'm trying to get better at approaching women who seem to notice me... even to practice just striking up a conversation.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 342
Are men over 40 more afraid to approach women?
Posted: 10/25/2008 8:29:33 PM
I meant no offense, all she would have had to do was say nothing, or thank you. She chose to attack, I chose wit with a barb in return. I have nothing against lesbians.



...Me neither, as a matter of fact I love Ellen , she's an original. I also love Melissa Etheridge....man can that woman sing.....and nope, I don't swing both ways...I still have a thing for the men, well some men


...maeflowers
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