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 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 2
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
My ex lives in Texas (yeah, like the song). I transferred here (to Washington) because of my job and because I have family here (I felt that yearning to come because I lived here as a child and missed it terribly). It's important to me, and them (my ex and our daughter), that they are active in each others lives. My ex calls our daughter nightly and they talk every morning. He sends her packages and they e-mail each other as well. We're discussing getting a webcam for weekly conversations so that they can see each other (cheaper than airfare). For Christmas she got to fly to Texas to visit his side of the family and spent a week there. It was hard for me (harder on me than on her). I am a much happier living here and don't regret for a moment that we moved here. I have the family support I need and I have made friends quickly (new to this area of Washington).

It can work with both parents working towards what is best.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:32:37 PM
why not just go there during the summer months? I think it is unfair that you consider yourself before you consider the needs of your kids and how this impacts not just on them but on their father. Yes, there are webcams, phones, email. but that's not the same presence as seeing their father/seeing his children in person. As another poster mentioned, how would you feel if your ex wanted to pack up the kids to go to his parents' hometown.

If their father is actively involved in their lives, you need to continue that rather than be a far distance dad. I think they need that in their lives since nowadays, families are divided and kids are mostly with one parent than the other. Once they reach teenage years, the desire to see the parents will be less, so I think at their age now, they need the father image to have that foundation before they are teenagers.

Just remember you chose to move quite a distance from your hometown, it's not your kids' fault for doing so .
 steveemac
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 8
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:24:14 AM
If the ex is giving you the okay, I'd lean towards going...but if MY ex wanted to do that to me (her hometown is two thousand miles away), I'd hit the roof! Not making a judgment, just an observation...and stressing that it has to be okay with both parents, as long as he's doing his best to be a dad to his kids.
 dOyOUsTiLLbeLievE
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 18
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:45:59 PM
"Here it's illegal to move the kids more than 90 miles away from the other parent without consent. (unless arreas on child support is present). "

Actually, that's not true. It's not ILLEGAL, it's only illegal if it is part of the divorce decree order and the other parent just decides to do it anyway. In that case, you're breaking a court order which is "law".

In my instance, my ex and I agreed that I, being the primary parent with custody (which makes my babies sound like a piece of property) could move anywhere in the country and it was placed in our divorce decree as such.

The issue is, it's very hard on the kids at first, and mine are the same age as yours. Their Dad didn't see them much unless it was "his weekend" and we lived about 2 stop lights away. Moving home to be around my family has had a HUGELY POSITIVE IMPACT on my sons. They missed their Dad alot at first and wanted to know why we couldn't just drive to Daddy's house or to Daddy's work to see him.

After a year and a half, the kids are doing great, our house is peaceful, I am in a lucrative career, I am finishing college, and my sons are in private school and private daycare. Being around my family made ALL of this happy. And I am certain that my children - NOT JUST I - will be better for it in the longrun.

BEST OF LUCK!
 bubahotep2020
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 19
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:44:47 PM
wow read a lot of stuff most of it disturbing

1. the comment he made that he could fight you but wont do to your happiness is his way of getting out. it sounds like he doesnt care thats just my opinon.

2. while your happiness is important to you it isnt a priority to him. Let me clarify while i wish my ex to be happy that doesnt mean she can take our daughter away to do it.

and to the individual who spouted that selfserving tripe, the old adage, that mothers know best. are you high? and my favorite that because your a woman you can take away my parental rights because you have "Maternal instinct"? Maternal instinct is alot like common sense, not everyone has it and those who dont still think they do.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 26
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:51:45 PM
Heh. I moved back to Colorado with my kids a few years ago... The ex was still in residency and didn't want to move back from New England. She did follow a year later. It's arguably the best thing that ever happened to her AND the kids. Even she would agree, even though she was a little pissed off at first. Just saying.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 27
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:16:21 PM
Well..speaking for the perspective of a mom who raises a boy who wishes his dad was involved. I think that would be a mistake. My son wants a dad in his life so bad that he asks me for a stepdad at least once a week. When I ask him why he says..well my dad isn't here and i want a dad. My son only met his dad twice in 9 years. He'd kill to see his dad once a month and he'd die of pure bliss if he got to see him once a week. Unless the dad is abusive or poses a risk of danger to the child , or the mom is in such dire straights with money or thier situation that there is not other option, I can't understand why you'd take the children from their dad. Sure there is phone calls and occasional visits, but there is so much more to be missed. How can you take that away from your kids? How can anyone??What's going to happen if you can't payh the phone bill? How can you tell your children..sorry hon you can't see your dad this week I can't afford the plane ticket/gas/hotel room whatever.. It's not right..It's heartbreaking to see them miss someone that much..
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 28
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:32:45 PM
Mine were 7 and 3.5 when I moved away from their dad. We had just moved to that city 2 months before he asked for the divorce. I had no friends, no job, no support system, no where to go. So I came home to where I grew up, where my family was, where I knew I could get a job and support the kids. I won't lie.. was difficult, IS difficult to be so far away from their dad. Not for me directly, but for them. Plus I don't get any help from my family here and have full custody... he visits twice a year. He's trying to get posted here (he's military) and married his GF of 3 yrs at Christmas (without the kids being present or knowing about it) in an attempt to help move that process along a little. So far it's not helping. I have no problem being here for the kids, have no problem always being the one to do things and take them places and deal with things as they happen.. but holy crap it's exhausting!!
 bubahotep2020
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 36
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:31:10 PM
lady bugg and spirit brat maybe the problem is the fact that its a woman asking the question, just from some of your posts alone lady bugg I can easily see where you would not be saying the same thing given the same set of circumstances but the op was a man. I think there is a bit of gender discrimination going on.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 43
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:13:09 PM
I think it's deeply amusing that I did almost exactly what the OP is talking about, and I get no grief, yet there is a flame war going on over her even asking if it sounds like a good idea.

I moved somewhere I had a job, old friends, and a support network, and I liked the people and the schools, so the kids could be in the same schools until they graduated high school. My ex-wife was in residency and moving around, and I'd been out of work for 2 years after the dot-bomb following 9/11 (thank god I put something aside in that time). The courts took my job offer into consideration, as well as her lack of a stable home/situation... Plus, I'd had full custody for 4 years at that point. I'd also made quite extensive concessions for the kids' well-being that she hadn't matched particularly.

Still, after 1 year of sending the kids back east every other month for a week or so, she decided to move here. Now she's happily married, has a great job... and 3 step-kids she's just fine with. It's been great for everyone in the end.

Like I said, pretty amusing. In all honesty, if he truly cared about the kids' overall well-being, he'd consider moving too. :)
 Ma1e
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 45
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:26:56 PM
I chose to be a father 8 years ago, 1 month ago my ex told me, did not discuss with me, that shes moving 2.5 hours away. I see my boy every 3 days. I have been told this is generous access by his mother!!! I would live in this crazy womans shed, if I could play with my kid everyday. He not only is going to lose time with his father, he is going lose time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles...(both sides) family friends their kids, the kids he met and loves at school, doctors, teachers and everything else in his community.

My parents are getting older and I wish I knew my dad more. I now realize how difficult it was for him to be dad from a far...so I'm going stay as close as I can for as long as I can...so should I be expected to just drop everything whenever she gets a fantastical plan to get a new life, I'm gonna for my kid but theres gotta be limits!!!

In Canada, we have mobility rights, not very well defined I think. The custodial parent is entitled to great respect of his/her decision to move, while maximum contact with the access parent is just a concept for consideration. Until balance in the view of the importance of each parents involvement is achieved, shared parenting cannot succeed. As my involvement in my sons life wasn't given the weight it deserved, I now have to give up my home and career and just follow along, I'm not happy about it but hey~http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father_Knows_Best
 charmed2008
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 50
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:58:49 PM
You and I live in the same region (OP) and I am well acquainted with Family Law in this province.
I would strongly suggest you begin taking steps towards meeting with a Family Justice Mediator. Contact information for this service should be available at your closest Court Registry. Failure to make these plans in accordance with current case law could result in unfathomable heartache for your children, your former partner, and yourself.

I read through your posts several times and what continually came through was that this seems to be more about you and YOUR feelings rather than the long-term well being of the children you are responsible for.
Parenting isn't about your happiness. Just like marriage isn't always about love. When you birthed those children you , in essence, (or in theory) acknowledged that your happiness was no longer paramount and the welfare of your children would take precedence.

I do agree that a parent's emotional state can impact their ability to care for their children . If you truly are unhappy, take advantage of the numerous resources available to parents/families who may be experiencing a family breakdown or other personal crisis.
 charmed2008
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 54
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:48:59 PM
I see. When a forumite provides a response which agrees with your position the viewpoint is valid. A response which fails to validate your position is judgmental.

The title of this post should then read something to the effect of "I want to move my children several hundred miles away from their other parent. All those in favor say 'aye. Those opposed are judgmental."
Countering a position is not passing judgment. This is what happens on public boards (private too). Someone posts information, statements, facts, and so forth. Others respond. Some agree, some disagree.
If you want responses from those who really 'know' you and who's opinions are therefore more valid (from your point of view), it makes more sense for you to pose this question to those who know you off-line.

He may not do things how you would like. His lifestyle may not always fit into your schedule. I'm sure it can go both ways. Both of you could likely claim unhappiness, correct ?
 charmed2008
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 56
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:25:34 PM
Well said and point taken.

Making a parent child relationship work despite distance is becoming easier as a result of current and ongoing developments in technology. Web cams, cell phones with video recording capabilities, lots of very cool gadgets that could help bridge the distance.
 Ma1e
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 57
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:44:54 PM
Sorry in advance for a double post but I''m actually looking for advice along the same lines except to the opposite effect and its kinda urgent, I need to know how to keep my child close he is only going to be 2.5 hrs away but hes losing the closeness of all his family and friends and disrupting his school. What would you do fight like hell and risk uprooting him again from the new location to bring him back or give up your home and career and move along with him?
 Ma1e
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 58
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:46:32 PM
and no Web cams, cell phones with video recording capabilities, lots of very cool gadgets that could help bridge the distance is not an option, I want to be able to give the kid a hug.
 charmed2008
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 59
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:15:02 AM
I totally get that. When there are no other options though ........
 Diggy03
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 61
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:22:19 AM

So my question is, has anybody distanced themselves from the other parent, how did you make it work??


Yes I have distanced myself from my child's father. He lives 16 hours away.

My situation is vastly different from yours. When I went to leave he let me. His family is where he is and mine is where I am.

I don't know what to tell you as he isn't even a part of his child's life and I'm presuming that your children's father is.

I think the best thing you should do if you are considering moving is speak to a lawyer. Your ex can have it stipulated that you can't move within so many Km of where you currently are or you revoke custody of your children to him.
 dean2010
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 66
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 8/12/2008 7:16:56 AM
People do it all the time my litle girl lives 1200 miles a way and it breaks my heart every time i get somthing out of my frige cause i see all the pictures i have hanging there you do what you want but from dads view its the most horible thing to deal with
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 69
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Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:51:18 PM

Hire an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, there is free help at the court.



Mel, go back and read posts 97 & 98. OP's ex has decided to make an appearance.





~ds~
 Ma1e
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 70
Taking the kids a distance from the other Parent
Posted: 9/21/2008 2:18:00 AM
Just an update, my ex moved 2.5 hrs away from me around my last post. I quit a very well paying job so not to lose my weekday visits and now live a block away and get to walk my boy to and from school and spend the afternoon with him everyday. I have never been happier. Dads just want to be able to love their kids too and every child needs more love.
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