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 AUTHOR
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 41
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We Shouldnt Be On HerePage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Welder and Funny Girl gave you very good advice from their own experiences. Bubble Eyes and Man4u2xplor gave you some good advice as well. Kitten, people should want to spend time with their SO but they don't need to be up your butt 24/7, it's not healthy. You have no idea how and when this guy is on the forums, he may be like me, often hopping over when he needs a break from work.

You don't trust him 100% if you feel the need to have him delete his profile if it reflects his status as not single/not looking, the profile is hidden and he uses the site for the forums, which many of us do while in committed relationships.

You are fixating on the status of pof as a "dating site" without recognizing that it is used by a lot of people for many things. Unless you have changed the time frame you have been together and altered the miles he is moving, if he is an active forums junkie you have probably already given your insecurity away despite the subterfuge.

You should worry less about what is a fairly meaningless and innocuous account and focus more on having found the right man and let it alone.

OP, something else occurred to me, you are on the brink of making this permanent, has this bothered you all along or is it just starting to fester at this point? Do you have some notion that he should love you enough to not need it and make this grand gesture without your saying a thing? I think the one who needs to "do" something is you not hhim
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 44
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:41:03 AM

OP, something else occurred to me, you are on the brink of making this permanent, has this bothered you all along or is it just starting to fester at this point? Do you have some notion that he should love you enough to not need it and make this grand gesture without your saying a thing? I think the one who needs to "do" something is you not hhim

good point packagedeal. In my experience, when our pattern is about to change - insecurities tend to surface.

Generally, human beings are not good with change - even a good change ALSO churns up fear in us. OP's boyfriend moving to be closer to her is going to kick up some fear in both of them. Things like...
* should I trust this?
* what if this doesn't work out?
* does he really love me?
* do I really love him?
* what if I am making a mistake again and just don't realize it yet?

Landing on the PoF profile issue may be a way of touching on fear without really getting at what is going on.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:18:21 PM
Double post
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 49
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:20:48 PM
Looking4u2345 do you actually look at the forums? This forum that you are posting to is relationships, there is single parenting, current events, political, stories/creative writing, homor, travel, religion and spirituality, recipes, health and fitness, and numerous others that I am missing that have not jack shit to do with dating. And you have been here all of six days.

Last time I checked, anyone, whether in a committed relationship or not could enjoy participating in and learning from all of those forums. I have never been into chatrooms or forums and I don't see why I would need to find alternate places to have similar interaction because the name of this site is "dating."
 TheLimey
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 54
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:23:23 PM
Is it worth asking for a brief synopsis of the first post? I gave up reading after 6 or 7 words because of the capitalization of every ****ing word
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 56
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:04:27 PM
Gee Laura... I'm married and I'm doing it.
Would I mind if my wife did it?
No...
People need some outside contact.
Hey... if you were going to mess around, you don't need the internet to do it.
Just my opinion...
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 58
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:16:47 PM

How Do i Tell Him Without Sounding Clingy And Insecure?


Sweet OPie, you can't, because you are. You *don't* trust him 100% despite what you say. Jealousy is NOT a sign of love, it's a sign of lack in yourself. Address that, and you're good to go.


 Dolphina
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 60
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 3:10:56 AM
If you feel this way, simply remove your account. Tell your boyfriend that you've done that. If he is sincere, he will remove his also. You shouldn't need to tell him to. Just simply do what you have to do. The rest may follow, or not. The proof, really, of a secure relationship is when both people act responsibly and with respect for the other person.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 61
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 6:59:16 AM
Sounds like a double standard. If he is here contacting other people, it would be one thing. But if he comes to the forums, it's a totally different thing. Put in your profile that you are here for the forums. Be honest about it. And let it be.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 63
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 7:50:18 AM

People who know very well they cannot do a relationship because they ahve issues.

Most people who have issues do not know they have issues.

people who are not single. Again.. stop wasting our time and use the sites available for you.

Most of the not single/not looking are here for the forums. Why would they choose to go in another site if forum is also available here?
When you know how to determine the trash and the good ones then that's a good thing because you develop a skill.

I don't know why some people are so f@#$ed up when they SO choose to stay on POF. If a person is likely to cheat, they will cheat either online or offline.

 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 64
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 11:04:57 AM

Most of the not single/not looking are here for the forums. Why would they choose to go in another site if forum is also available here?


If I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't give a damn about internet strangers who have problems with their love life, so I would like a reason to NOT be here. There must be other sites where people can chit chat about anything under the sun where the intent is not to be hunting for a love life.
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 65
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 1:57:50 PM
Hi Laura,

It is strange for a couple to be on POF for the forums when they could easily be on other non-dating boards. However, I also believe that sacrifice need not to be part of a healthy and strong relationship. As long as he is giving things up per your request, I don’t see the meaning in it. If you don’t trust someone it is not going to matter how much you limit him or give him freedom. He will always be who he is online, offline, or elsewhere.

Instead of trying to change the situation (and ultimately him), I would turn my focus inward. Use your energy to be more self reliant and aware of what is going on in your relationship so you can take advantage of your experiences to make more sound judgements. If you keep removing the circumstances (him being on POF, for example) you are eliminating opportunities that would help you get to know your partner better.
 blaqqsheep
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 66
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 2:05:35 PM
I don't think you should care that he's here because there's obviously more to do here than meet people, and those are the things he's doing now. It sounds bad but it's not bad, and that's what you should be looking at. He could go to the least likely place a person can meet someone and try to meet someone there - but won't and shouldn't because he's with you. It's not about where you are. It's about what you yourself are doing or not doing.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 67
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 4:00:54 PM
a lot of people stick around for the forums, even married ones. but I would say if his profile isn't hidden from searches, that's an issue. at any rate, don't give him an ultimatum. that's not healthy. talk about how you are feeling, what your reasonable expectations are, and let him make the decision about what to do. what some other ppl said is right though... if you trusted him 100% it wouldn't be an issue :)
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 68
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 8:58:54 PM

If I'm in a relationship with someone, I don't give a damn about internet strangers who have problems with their love life

But if you are not in a relationship you give a damn? How thoughtful.

There must be other sites where people can chit chat about anything under the sun where the intent is not to be hunting for a love life.

Could you name some?

 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 69
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We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/24/2012 10:23:52 PM
I am in the begining of a relationship but nothing has been said about exclusivity. We did not meet on POF but on another site. He and I both are on the other site... and quite frankly it is not my business what he is doing on the other site. I have been sitting under a relationship coach and she recommends to keep options open till the man says he wants things to be exclusive.

So that is what I am doing now... I am keeping my options open and one way is to keep on POF.

Also, I have a lot of friends on this site I have met over the years and I like to keep my profile active to keep up with the parties and stuff.

So... I think you need to drop it for now.. because it seems to me that the idea to get off the site was yours and not his.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 71
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/26/2012 12:49:35 PM
I guess I'm in the minority here. If I'm serious about a woman, I'll take my profile down and expect the same. I understand reading the forums, but not the need to participate. There's better ways to spend our idle time.
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 72
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 10/27/2012 1:16:18 AM
He is just keeping his options open and it is wrong. A dating site is different than a social media site like facebook
If you two are a couple he need to GET OFF a dating site. Go to facebook.
I don't buy his answer, he is not being honest. He wants you and to keep his ego up with talking to other women
I would say, it is not right and if he cares more about a dating site than you and his relationship--that should TELL YOU what is really up!!

Tostranger in the house.---You dont' mind if your wife is on here? well this is a dating site not a social chit chat place. Lots of couples are swingers too, doesn't mean it is for others.

If you are on a dating site, married or in a serious relationship__YOU are looking to flirt and have another woman/or man/ fullfill intimacy, intimacy can be only sharing your personal time and thought--doesn't have to be sex--but it is not for a couple that want to be faithful to each other only! GET REAL!

A person on a dating site that has issues getting off and claim they are in a serious monogomous relationship--, is just on the make!! We aren't stupid but we are fools if we don't see it for what it is.

 blaqqsheep
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 73
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/4/2012 1:46:55 PM
You telling her something you don't know is true can make her worried over nothing and is wrong. How can you even tell someone that when there are many possibilities? How do you know he wasn't here, found out he liked what was being discussed here SPECIFICALLY, and decided to stay? You should really realize what you're saying before you come here telling people what you "know" is wrong with their relationship.

I'm here for friends but according to you, I'm a liar? Oh, that's right - I forgot you know me, and him, and anyone else you criticize. And even if he is dating someone else, there is always a chance someone could come a long that they like better - that can happen ANYWHERE YOU GO. That doesn't mean he came here intending to do that and if she has faith in her relationship, she should know better than to assume otherwise. Having faith means you realize how right it feels, he realizes how right it feels, and you believe you're really meant for each other in which case they WON'T wonder.
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 74
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:00:31 PM
I think trust is precious and why do things that challenge it? There is no need to be on POF if you are in a relationship. There are other forums on the internet do discuss the same topics that are not a part of a singles site.
 Stubidoo
Joined: 9/16/2012
Msg: 75
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:00:59 PM

So that is what I am doing now... I am keeping my options open and one way is to keep on POF

Everyone certainly has their own "thing" but if we were dating, I would make it really simple for you because you would have one less "option".
 shy2anne
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 76
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/4/2012 2:46:59 PM
this is my take on it (of course ) :)
some people are just "addicted" to internet sites, dating sites, chats, etc. that is just the way they are and don't expect them to change their behavior. he will probably be on a constant look out for the bigger, better deal. sorry, that's what i think.
no matter how commited you think he is, he is just not that into you that he wants to spend his free time with you. he wants to spend it here or some other site.
i would suggest you find someone that you're more compatible (interest wise) with.
don't waste your time waiting for "someday things will change".
 cashleys
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 77
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/4/2012 11:48:05 PM
This is a dating site. Get on facebook, not a singles site. It is silly and you should delete. only takes a few minutes to get another profile on here if you break up.
 marybuckeye
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 79
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/5/2012 12:17:05 AM

We Agreed We Could Both Keep Our Profiles Up As Long As We Said We Were Not Single. Which Is Fine.


OP, it sounds like you're giving mixed signals.

UPDATE: Yikees! This thread is from 2008... Lol
 PinkNeonSocks78
Joined: 10/28/2011
Msg: 83
We Shouldnt Be On Here
Posted: 11/5/2012 8:21:29 AM
Wow, that is rather old. You have to wonder what ever happened to them.
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