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 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 2
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I honestly don't think you need to disclose your medical history to someone you are dating. If dating turns into a relationship, then you may want to have that discussion. It will all be revealed in time, don't feel you need to rush it.
 virgogidget
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 8
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:56:46 PM
Your better to find out now than farther down the track if his a keeper or not.
Most women have had surgery myself in cluded.
The C word does scare some people. Hang in there a nice man would stand beside you.
Congrats clear 5 years wwwwwwwooooooooo you go girl.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 18
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:56:36 PM
It might; that is a heavy thing to deal with.
 LdWolf
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 21
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:18:06 PM
I was to wed a gal who thought her cancer went away...YYet I stood by her VA bed for 6 weeks until she passed on. I knew i could go when she finally found out. I loved her and stayed. Her family and friends told me after that she had a better life with me, then without. For me, I loved her. That's what counted......:-}
 SEXYPHILLY
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 25
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 2:54:04 PM
I have a very rare form of cancer. I have lost alot of friends and even family. You get one shot at this life so, surround with strong people. Anyone can be around on your good days, but a real friend is one who is around on your bad days. It's up to you to choose worthy friends. If they run, it's their loss because they will miss out on a person with strong character and an amazing will to live. Cancer isn't prejudice, it's the friends and family of a cancer victims who are. Choose well Ebony and good luck!
 Quadrider44
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 29
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/26/2008 3:26:29 PM
OP I think the guy did you a favor by bailing, I have dated a few women who have had various forms of cancer and have it in remission no big deal at my age 46 I'm more concerned about the personality and thing we have in common than a few scars or a past health issue I probably have more scars from all the differant accidents I've had in the past than any female does ...lol.. I have friends now that are having health issues I guess like they say you find out then who your true friends are, keep your head high and God bless
 SapphirePoet
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 34
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:26:01 AM
First off Ebonyeyzes, Congratulations on battling this horrible disease and winning! You are awesome! You are a survivor!

Second you said:
"You don't think the guy would feel as though I had something from him or was in some way dishonest? Once his feelings are involved? "

I would say it depends on the man and the "relationship" If your just casual dating and don't see it getting serious, well then it's none of his business. On the other hand if you see some potential and you think there could be something serious developing then tell at that time. It's a need to know basis.

A REAL man with a true heart is going to be just fine with it.

Take Care
Deb
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 36
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:13:54 AM
I've know men who've dumped their wives of many years, because they had some disease like cancer. I have also heard of women dumping men for health reasons. Unfortunately, for many people, the bonds of many relationships aren't very strong. People who love each other and have a strong committment to each other will stand beside each other through thick and thin. That's truly what relationships are about.

I'm afraid telling someone something negative about yourself at the very beginning of a relationship will likely scare them away. I think you're between a rock and a hard place in this respect. However, a scar isn't a big deal, and we are all going to die - we just don't know how soon. Maybe the cancer will come back and then again maybe it won't. I guess you'll just have to take a gamble about being honest or keeping mum.

The Eagle
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 39
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:31:58 AM
No, something like that would not bother me at all, doesn't change who you are. If someone you let see or know it did turn and run then you're better off without them then. A real man would not run and certainly wouldn't let that bother him or even let it be an issue.
 firefly37
Joined: 10/22/2006
Msg: 41
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:06:22 AM
HELLO AND GOOD MORNING:

I HAD CANCER 30 YEARS AGO IN MY THROAT AND I TALK RATHER LOW WITH A RASPY VOICE.....I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK I KNOW I'M ALIVE AND IF IT COMES BACK WELL I'LL FACE THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS.

I GUESS YOU CAN SAY SOME MEN ARE VAIN ABOUT THAT (BREASTS) BUT IF HE LOVES YOU OR EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU IT WOULDN'T MATTER.

NOT ALL GUYS ARE IDIOTS LIKE THE LAST ONE...IF A GUY REALLY WANT TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU TELL HIM IT WON'T MATTER. YES YOU SHOULD TELL THE MAN UP FRONT I WOULD.

YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN AND HAVE MUCH TO OFFER SO DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS IN ANYTHING....IF I WERE A LITTLE YOUNGER I WOULD DATE YOU MYSELF.

WRITE BACK TO ME IF YOU FEEL U WANT TO.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 48
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 5/28/2008 11:45:22 PM
OPie, it will make a difference to some. And not to others. It's the others that count.

Five years ago, as I was falling in love with a wonderful guy, he was struggling to tell me something. Part of his struggle was that his wife had left him, just past surgery/chemo/radiation. He was still having issues with the cure. For me, it made no difference, and it wasn't the cancer that killed him, it was the effects of the "cure." I'm endlessly grateful that we had the time together that we did have: he changed my whole life.

I have health issues that I've disclosed here, usually, by the third or fourth email. So far, I doubt it's made any difference. And I do recommend telling early, as soon as it's clear there's an interest. If they're gonna run, I'd rather have them do it before I look on their faces, lol!

Be well, live long, and prosper.
 barbarared
Joined: 6/11/2006
Msg: 52
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:25:04 AM
Your answer says it all!!
I have just been dumped because he couldn't handle it,and i have the all clear!
I'm worth so much more,its a shame he couldn't see past it!
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 57
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:24:43 PM
Hi Ebonyeyzes....I am not going to read all of the posts here, but there is a HUGE difference in having beat cancer, and still going through remission of such. I can totally understand someone who may not want to expose himself to possible heartache if you are still dealing with illness. However, if you got your "all clear" from your Doc...no....should not be a problem!

I battled and fought cervical cancer, and won...have the scars of such, and it has never been an issue for a new prospect. I also had an IBC scare pretty recently, and have a couple of smaller scars on my breast...no one really notices them.

The way that I look at it, and probably what others have already expressed...if they cannot deal with the IDEA of it...or even the SCARS of such...then they are not worth your time! :)
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 58
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:47:23 PM
Like other folks posting, I would tell them up front so they can leave immediately and you can avoid pain down the road.

Scars? Well....think about this - I am quite certains bods have scars when people have had liposuction, boob jobs, plastic surgery, all self-inflicted mind you....so yours is one of many in the scheme of healthcare - just a different reason/cause.

Congrats on defeating the Big C!! Good for you!!!
 Beach_Sun
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 63
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:33:31 PM
You are not paranoid , and this person was likely not worth you time . I am a cancer survivor too , proud and happy to be alive .... I was in a relationship of 6 years when I was diagnosed ..... he stoped calling , not explantion , no support , no I care .... One day I called him and the answering machine had a message stating " you have reached .... and Elizabeth" He had shacked up with another women . I was shattered and hurt but still had the fight for my life he would never understand .... I had to put the devastation aside , my life was more important ... throught the battle I learned that everything happens for a reason .....once I was better and cancer free I realized that I did not want this type of person in my life ... Strangely enough years later , he still sends e-mails now and again saying he wonders "what if " .... I do not answer those e-mails .... he is not worth my precious time , life is too short , much to short ... I surround myself with people like myslef , honest , caring compasionate and kind ....
YOU HAVE MADE THE FIVE YEAR MARK , YOU ARE A SURVIVOR ...BE PROUD OF THAT FACT ... THE BATTLE IS NOT AN EASY ONE . HOLD YOU HEAD HIGH AND YOU WILL MEET A MAN WHO WILL STAND BESIDE YOU AND APPRECIATE THE WOMAN YOU ARE AND ALL THE CHALLENGES YOU HAVE FACED HEAD ON !!!! PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND DON'T THINK ABOUT THIS LOOSER OR OTHERS THAT MAY CROSS YOUR PATH . ALL THE BEST TO YOU .
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 65
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/27/2008 3:35:36 AM
My Cancer Story- I had cervical cancer after the birth of my son and was told to make arrangements for him (meaning for my death). It was invasive CIN III. To break it down
i live next to one of the best cancer centers in the USA and they chopped my cervix to pieces-extremely painful-but I am 100% cancer free. Since then i have given birth to a beautiful baby girl!!!!

Any time that I have ever been honest with a man about a personal matter such as this or a panic disorder or my son's autism they say "SEE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Honestly, they want to ride the good and not be there for everything. I would not disclose your personal information to them, you are opening yourself to a broken heart, ridicule, unfair judgement as if they are God and just downright cruelty versus compassion.

every man that has promised to be there has never. they have abandoned ship.
 Sethfire
Joined: 1/22/2005
Msg: 68
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:53:12 AM
Thats a tricky question! I think the reason the man stopped writing is he might of become afraid in ways. I look at it this way if I was talking with a man that had cancer then it was gone I would want to know about this before I got seriously involved because that way if anything happens it wont come as a shock to go through things with this person...use your best judgement do what you feel is right for yourself.
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 69
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:57:38 PM
men have been there for the good ride not there for when something does wrong. if there were so many wonderful men then why is this not the monogamous husband post of great loving caring there for you men????? Please!!! most the second the see a problem they say .. SEE YA
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 76
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 8/30/2008 11:47:37 AM
i had a friend who had a mastectomy. before she got her replacement "boob" she started wanting "life" and became more open in her personality. she met this really hot and great guy and started living. sure, he was a bit "neurotic" but everyone has something. they moved in together and enjoyed life. he helped her raise her sons. for every guy like him, there are a hundred or maybe thousand who are not like him. you have to educate people about your cancer, slowly and over time. personally, i find that is easier to do when you are meeting singles in real life than over the internet.

you share the "stakes" with them and go with the flow. if it's not cancer, it's something else: too far away, too many kids, not the right religion, not thin enough, not athletic enough and ad infinitum for the chronically single. you have to wade through it.

example: i have lyme disease and although relatively stable, it has left me with weaknesses. i am probably way more financially independent than many men and have means to get my life flowing and in order. my last SO was in physical shape when we met (had an injury two years later) and that was not his primary issue with me. he was more concerned about my kids at that time, still home, and my busy-ness and also his need for way more personal space to be "alone", etc.). so, not to say, we didn't have our issues, but we did last for almost three years and my lymes disease was not the major issue.

that being said, it took some patience on my part to educate him as to what i could and could not do. many men think they can fix things and his solutions were often not helpful because he did not understand the problem. i think he got it over time. i certainly got his problems as well!

as to what to say about it all. if you are just over it, i'd take a step back and decide slowly. i would also get out in groups and start being active intellectually or spiritually so that people can see you "in action" and get to know your spirit. my disability is a chronic one. just coming out of an acute episode, you need to get your sea legs first. as to your profile, how many men advertise their ED on their profile? give it all some time. the rest will follow.
 degostyle
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 80
Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:23:25 PM
I dont think anyone has noticed but the op no longer has a profile on here but in any case, If I was told by a woman she use to have cancer, I would accept it because she is still the same person you have been talking to. Its to bad there are so many shallow people out there. I suffer from the over wieght problem...lol
 oceaneyess
Joined: 2/21/2008
Msg: 81
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:29:40 PM
Ebony,
I had a very rare and agressive form of breast cancer. Having gone through surgeries,chemo and radiation, I am proud of my scar. Now single, it has never detoured anyone who I date. You may not be able to see it in my photo,but it is there. Yours may lighten through the years or it may not. I tell everyone from the beginning that I am survivor. Of course all of us have a chance of getting it back,but we can all be hit by a bus tomorrow too. As you know life is short. If a man truly loves you he will accept everything about you. Hold your head up high and your confidence and strong spirit will show and be more visable than any scars.

Blessings to you

The stronger the breeze..The stronger the trees.
 thumper1313
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 86
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 9/5/2008 5:05:59 AM
that guy was a waste of your time.I just beat colon cancer myself and am proud of that.When You feel ok with yourself it will show and theres no need to be afraid
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 87
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 9/5/2008 5:30:23 AM
The way I see it, I don't see the point in worrying about if it might come back, and more than if someone got cancer who never had it before. So to me, there's no difference.

Many people get scared of things they don't know. So some people will avoid you if you tell them. But do you really want to be with someone who is frightened of living every day as if it is their last, and who refuses to put 100% into their life, or your relationship?

Maybe it's not something for a first date. Maybe a third date. But I think this weeds out the wheat from the chaff, and the men from the boys.
 guyot
Joined: 5/6/2008
Msg: 89
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Does it matter I had cancer in the past?
Posted: 9/16/2008 6:52:24 AM
I had a long and serious relationship with a woman who had lost her leg to bone cancer five years before we met. It was never a barrier in our relationship at all, though we both were always somewhat anxious when she had one of her periodic exhaustive examinations for recurrence. As we thought about marriage, we also worried about the likelihood that she could not become pregnant. But these were not divisive issues, but were just another intimate challenge that we shared- not that I could ever feel the fear and the burden like she did.

Almost 40 years after her treatment, she remains cancer-free.

People have many issues around cancer, and it plays out differently in every case. For us, cancer was not a wedge between us in any way.

-Gray
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