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 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 30
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?Page 2 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)

I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53).

We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues...

am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?

What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments

Good grief...you might not be able to have as many children as you wanted to, what with her being 8 yrs older!

The only comment I'm going to make is to suggest that you search YOUR OWN HEART and make up YOUR OWN MIND.
Sounds like you love the lady. At this stage of the game, while I do not CONDONE lying about ones age, what is the big whoop? But if you can no longer see the woman you love, only a big number "61" when you look at her, then by all means end the relationship. While I would be the last person to advocate "settling" , "accepting less",or "lowering your standards" I'd like to remind you that at age 53 it isn't like you have unlimited time to find another love.
And maybe she WANTED to find younger men to counter the stats that indicate, were she to marry a man her own age or older, she's all but GUARANTEED to wind up a widow.
You need to make up your own mind about this...
Cindy O
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 31
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She lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:23:23 PM
In my opinion, the fact she lied to you about her age it's making me wonder just what else she lied about.

Did she not think you would ever find out? I think that you should be able to trust in someone to tell you the truth about anything. I never did understand why people lie about their age. Your age is what it _is_ and that can never be changed. Unless of course you purchase illegal documentation to the contrary.

How did she hold up the charade? I mean considering what couples converse about. Like their graduation(s), how old you were in a certain decade, if she was married and when, things like that, just normal life experience conversation. She must have had to have lied to you about things she did and when.......

I went out with a man once, I found that he'd lied five years about his age. I never gave him another word period. He lied, he didn't have to. But, it's ultimately up to you how you feel.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 32
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:25:07 PM
Like alot of people have said you have to go with your heart or gut feeling. But for me i would wounder what else she lied about or what else she will lie about so if some lady lied to me i would proably break it off. If thier is any dougth at all dont get married as it will just fester and get ugly. I look at it like this i am 60 and i wont get involded with any one older than I , i nursed my wife thur a teramal illness the last 2 years of her life and thier is a better chance of some one older being that way in a short time andI would rather not go thur it again but if i married and they did get that way i would stick by them.
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 33
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:19:18 PM
My belief is that scrupulous honesty in one's profile is the way to go - accurate as to marital status, age, and photo less than 12 months old. I don't even bother looking at body style descriptions - average is a relative term, and to put it mildly, most people are rather generous with their self assessments.

My preference is for accurate age reporting, but I went through a stretch where three of four women I met had shaved a few years off. The explanation was always the same - they did it so they wouldn't get filtered out. So, I figured I'd just go with what I saw in front of me, and not obsess about the number.

However - the women I met were typically trimming about three years. Eight years is a bit of a stretch. And, crucially, they told me what they'd done right away. I can't blame OP for being concerned.

53 seems a bit young to be rushing into marriage anyway.

As to the 'it's only right I lie about my age - I look so much younger, it's only right.' Fatheads - 50 year old bodies, 17 year old attitudes. Blecchhh.

And the 'everyone lies' theme: does everyone pass bad checks too? Is it ok to say you're single when you're not? Lies can be justified when sparing someone's feelings (like your friends do when they tell you you look younger than your age), or when answering a question that is none of the questioner's business. Making a material misstatement of fact when trying to establish a trust based relationship with someone is just not ok.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 36
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:54:33 AM
I understand what you are saying "OneBeachLvr", but do not quite agree with your premise.

Men can be overly youthful when it comes to wanting another, but that is more the physical side than it is the date on their birth certificate. It just happens that most that look the best will also be the youngest, and that seems to be natures way of handling life.

A wrinkle on a man can be looked upon as distinguished, but one on a woman, makes her "older". Some gray on a man at the temples gives men a mature but sexy look, yet a woman with gray will be deemed to old to have around. All of this is more physical then age related, and that is when the trouble starts.

Many many women can cut years off of their looks by using make up, facials, and other techniques to maintain that youthful look, while most men are lucky to change their tie, or get a hair cut......

I believe that most want to make themselves as available and attractive as they can for the greatest amount of those around them, and if they can do that, the one thing that will "rain on their parade" will be stating an age that is many years different from their looks, so some will not tell, or fudge their real age.

Women have done this for ever, and it is not considered a lie but an insult if another even asks their age, yet we put it right up front for all to see on POF, no matter how good or youthful that person may look.

Men do it now as well, almost as much as women, because the equality of dating and the sexes has emerged with sites like this one and the internet. Both sexes are doing searches by numbers and not by looks or ability, and that has expanded the fudging of age in order to not be overlooked, because you might have 45 on your profile, but look 38, and 80% search by those 40 and under.

The cut off for many will be 50, and that is when more and more will stay at 49 for as long as they possibly can. What difference does it really make, as long as when you are searching, you are attracted to the person and not the age on the profile? I wonder what would happen if POF added an income range on the profile, and how many would fudge the amount earned in order to not be excluded just because they make a few dollars less?

I will state once more that I think the age thing is over rated, and I prefer to have as many recent pictures up on a profile and do my search by those that I find the most attractive and interesting, and not by the date on their birth certificate. If a woman can hold my interest at the age of 60, 50, 40, or whatever age they may be, why should I run, instead marvel at how well they take care of themselves both physically and mentally....<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>

Just my opinion.......
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 37
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:11:15 AM
Apparently the OP, can't get past this, and all he sees is a liar when he now looks at this wonderful loving accepting woman...

Really to bad, because she apparently before this HORRIBLE slight had been wonderful enough to marry. Now she is nothing but an old aged liar, that was manipulating him into believing one thing, when someone thing else was the truth...


I wonder what would happen if POF added an income range on the profile, and how many would fudge the amount earned in order to not be excluded just because they make a few dollars less?


Yeah that is how it is on some sites... The lies that come out of that question...

Oh well, perhaps the lady doesn't know how lucky she is to have told him this PRIOR to making more plans for a future with him...

Nothing like being convicted of further crimes just because of one silly vanity...

After all now he'll have to wonder if she has some child out there she didn't mention, or if she was really a jail bird, crack fiend, has some horrible uncurable STD, lies on her income taxes, maybe she's murdered her last BF, or embezzles money from her job...AND horrible upon horrible I bet she uses face creams, and colors her hair on top of all this lying...

Maybe the op should ask himself if beside maybe she LOOKED older, that would he have given her a chance if she had stated she was 61, instead of 53... Maybe all she was doing was looking for a partner...Just like he stated he was...

I guess some men feel they need to be sure they will die before their partner, cause Lord knows they don't want to be the one left behind...
 Guy4theForums
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 39
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:52:22 AM

MSG#1~OP~Dave4754:Wrote:I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53).

Well how old did she tell you she was in the begining? You say she's now 61 using "now as a time reference" You never do say how old she said she was in the begining. If you knew her 7 years before proposing or 10 days before proposing. How many years did she knock off her age? If you knew her 7.5 years before proposing then she didn't lie much.
So how old was the two of you at the time of meeting her and her fudging years off her age?
LoisLane you must dislike alot of people if you would dislike someone for fudging some age off their true age. My age is correct in my profile but I know a great percentage of people fib about their true age. I think some people,(especially men) Must be looking through a magical mirror because I've looked at a few that certainly look 10 years or more older than what they have as there age listed on their profile.
I don't know what kind of mirrors they own but I want one.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 41
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:35:24 AM

My opinion is just because u lie about your age, doesnt mean u lie about everything else.

Thing is, it doesn't guarantee you don't lie about anything else, either. It's in the not knowing which that is the dilemma here. If the OP knew for certain that's all that went on here, I'm guessing he wouldn't be confused or put off by this.

P.S. I learned REAL young that just cause someone says they don't do something doesn't in fact mean they don't...there's simply no way of knowing for sure, and let's be honest, what else would they say? "Ok, I lie once every other day"??
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 42
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:58:12 AM
Rose.....we can't because we do not fit the age requirements and are just toooooo old...............

OT......Let her explain her reasons for hiding her age and what led up to that decision......it might just be interesting and factual enough to make you at least consider why she did it.

Just my opinion.......
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 44
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:19:26 PM
~OT~ Lie to me about your age, you'll lie to me about other things. Age lying is the first NO-NO on my list of "Reasons to NOT meet/date." I'm honest about my age, I expect the same. JMO
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 45
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:36:57 PM
I would think that someone of her age would have garnered enough experience and wisdom along her journey through life to be comfortable in her own skin. Sadly, in this case, it seems not. The lie is one thing - a pretty deceitful one at that - but what it says about her personality...hmmm.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 46
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:52:26 PM
My dad died years ago. His long time girlfriend (that was actually about 20 younger him) thought he was 10 years younger than he was. I doubt she knows to this day and that was 22 years ago.

Some times it is “tempting” to fudge about your age.

My ex wife (married 17 years) was 13 years younger than me. She was the oldest female I had ever been around. She knew before we had our first date. She was the only “age group” that I felt I related to (after all those years).

I did not date much after the divorce (4.5 years ago now) but ......... it was tempting.

On these singles sites it is right in their face. The age is posted on the profile.

In public age is not in their face.

If they ask - I ask them - “How hold do you think I am” - it was crazy lol.

One ask me then said “wait - I can ALWAYS guess a guys age ------ you are ......... 46 (I was 57) and I said - “boy you are good”

Another one - I got real close and said “I am older than you think I am - does that bother you” - she said “no - you are about 50” (I was 58) - end of discussion lol.
 sbnt
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 47
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:32:11 PM
Ah yes, another situation where the only option is to end the relationship rather than work through it. Relationships seem to be disposable nowadays. Find something you don't like, feel free to leave the relationship. We expect others to be perfect, and if they do something to tarnish that illusion, we use it as an excuse to want nothing more to do with them. We're always on the lookout for flags or issues.

At this point in time, the fact that she's 8 years older than you is irrelevant. The fact that she lied about it is irrelevant. It's done and that fact can't be changed.

You met and fell in love with her as the person she is, enough that you proposed marriage. I would presume it wouldn't really matter if she was 53 or 61, or even 45.

It shows that had you known her real age, you likely would've never given her a chance, which is sad because at your age, 8 years isn't all that big of a difference. Had it been 23 and 31, that could be understandable as you both could be at different places in your life. Add 30 years, you both have probably experienced plenty of things, enough that you could very well be at the same point in life.

Sure, lying is considered by many to be unacceptable, but the question to ask is do we give up on someone just because of a lie? What if they come forward with the truth, when they could've continued to keep it hidden. Sure she still lied, but in the criminal justice system, don't we show leniency when someone shows remorse for their actions? Sure the CJS is not perfect, but I only used it as an example.

So, maybe you should decide if you really love her, and if so, are you capable of dealing with other problems that come up. Would you look to bail at the first sign of the boat rocking, without first see if the situation can be stabilized.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 48
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:48:06 PM

I agree that her not being honest about her age is a red flag, but you said you fell in love with her and asked her to marry you. Since you did ask her to marry you, she must possess the qualities that you are looking for in a life partner.[quote/]




He didnt fall in love with a lier, now he is thinking does he want to marry some one that loied to him for 6 months and possibly what else she lied about. its funny but one lie usally leads to more lies.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 49
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:06:27 PM

He didnt fall in love with a lier, now he is thinking does he want to marry some one that lied to him for 6 months and possibly what else she lied about. its funny but one lie usally leads to more lies.
Actually he appears more concerned that she is older than him than he seems to be about the lying. Op says:
am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?
Care to clarify what your actual concern here is Op?
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 51
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:20:06 PM
Come on dude, at our age, what is 8 years one way or the other? Seems she must have picked up on something with you. Just look how you are reacting to this small age difference.

That much older than you are? Please, she isn't that much older than you are!!! You make it sound like you are 21 and she is 121.

Are you shallow? Yes you are. Love? You aren't in love or her age would not matter at all.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 52
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:33:40 PM
I'm playing devils advocate here.. I'm Wondering If she had lied and said she was 53, but really she was only 48.. would you still dump her, Op?
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 53
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:08:01 AM

Lois, were you never told that using foul language does NOT make you look more intelligent. Can you not write without using expletives?


Actually, Lois is one of the more informed and intelligent posters on this site and if she uses expletives, it is often to emphasize a valid point.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 54
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:21:33 AM
{quote] you are a guy...you just don't get it !!! ....the truth is...when he is 68...and she is 76....She will be taking care of him...IF...he is still alive..!![quote/].



If she did out live him but a recent study shows women are not living as long as they used to so its a good chance he will be taking care of her. LIKE I DID.
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 55
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:51:05 AM
how long did u actually know this broad before you 'proposed'?? (8 years is alot)...i know women that lie a few years.(2-3) .but thats why i love the 'net..i check them out..i also do a criminal & legal check..its all free.Seems like you moved pretty fast before you really got to know her..just curious..were the lights always out'?/ LOL...
 horse38
Joined: 11/22/2005
Msg: 56
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:30:11 AM
if you love her you love her hell with her age man evadently she is good in bed and you didnt notice her beeing older so she can keep up with you she might should have found her a 30 year old if your gona whine about it .
 MyOnePeach
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 57
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 8:23:19 AM
Hi Dave4754

I lie about my age all the time or maybe I should say I refuse to tell people how old I am. With me it's an issue of privacy, or maybe vanity, though I don’t think I am a vain person.

I am completely honest about everything else.

No judgment meant here, but did you think about how your fiancé would feel before you put her personal issues on the internet for all the world to see and comment on.

If I were the woman in this situation I would see your actions as the ultimate betrayal.

MP
 MyOnePeach
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 59
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:07:48 AM
I guess my question is, does dave4754 really love this woman.

Setting aside the male/female chemistry, lust, or whatever you choose to call it. Love is something sacred, the way you love your child or your dog.

Would you throw your preciously loved child or pet into the Coliseum to be ripped apart by the lions for the entertainment of others. Not me, I would protect my loved one with my life.

It doesn’t matter if anyone on this forum knows who she is; these things have a way of finding the target. Just like a tracking missile and just as deadly. All she has to do is log on to this site.

I guess this is just a moot point since he has given up on the relationship, anyway I can’t help wondering if fear of intimacy was a bigger factor.
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 60
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 10:24:33 AM
Tick Tock,

Thanks for your support!

Anytime, Lois. Keep up the good work and make me proud!
 cleareyes41sttime
Joined: 10/24/2007
Msg: 61
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 1:27:22 PM
it seems she might have had very good reason for not telling the truth about her age, she liked you and once you two got to know each other feelings grew. You "loved" her enough to want to marry her, til you found out her age was different---did that change who you fell in love with? If you truly loved her you'd let her know you're concerned that she didn't feel comfortable enough with you to tell you her true age, instead, you find out her true age and you wanna drop everything and run---seems she might have known you would do that from day one and maybe that's why she lied about it. Personally, age is just a number...get over it if you truly love her.
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