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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?      Home login  
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 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 101
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?Page 5 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
I am not one to usually condone a lie but once upon a time it was rather “common” for women to fib about age. Older women said a few years younger to get those guys hung up on a woman either being older or even the same age, so they thought they were getting a younger gal. Some gals added on a few years so they could get married earlier.

Age differences used to be a bit more of an issue, not so much in today’s world. While it was always common for there to be an age gap in the older man/younger woman category it has now become a little more acceptable for the tables to be turned so women don’t really feel the need to hide their age anymore.


Now I have an issue or issues...

am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?


She was older than you before you asked her to marry you, the age gap didn’t make a difference then, what is different is you actually know the number now and it’s playing with your mind.


What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments.


I would say for the most part yes, it is a red flag. However, if this is the only lie (as far as you know) it is up to you if you can forgive the lie and how you actually feel for this woman. Of course one lie can cause doubts and make one wonder if there are other lies. You need to find out if there are other discrepancies. It might be real easy to write someone off in a just met or early dating situation, but it has gone farther down the road now and your decision shouldn’t be done lightly for her benefit as well as your own.

Your head might be saying dump her due to the lying and the difference, but your heart was all into her up until this point. This is one of those cases where you may have to go with your heart. Have a talk, ask her to come clean now about anything else that might be an issue and see what you can and can’t accept. People don’t fall in love everyday and it is never perfect. You have to decide for yourself how much is at stake. You may keep all of your pride in tact but you might lose out on many happy years together.

My ex was 8 years younger and the age “issue” was never a factor in good times or bad. I have known many couples where the lady is older and it doesn’t matter. I had an aunt that married 2 younger men one by 10 years (he never knew) and she out lived them both.
 PurpleCrayon~
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 102
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 12:27:14 PM
Here's what I don't get. Why would anyone want to lie about their age???? To attract a younger age group? Why? If someone is set on a certain age range and you lie to get in that group, you're doing yourself a disservice. And, if it's just to get into that age group, whether the ones in there are set or not set on a specific age range, I still maintain why? Why would someone want to be something/some age they are not to gain a mate. Doesn't make a bit of sense to me personally.

Men my age or older don't contact me hardly at all. However, I get plenty of contacts from the late 30s-all through the 40s age group of guys. In the last 10 years, I haven't dated a guy within approx. 7-15 years of my age. The older ones do not want to date women my age. So, I am dating men at present who are in that 7-15 years younger group. They, for the most part, are very stable, committment minded, intelligent, witty guys. It's been my choice to not 'settle down' with just one yet. When I find the right one, it'll happen. Point is... I don't lie about my age to attract these men. It just happens to be this way. There was a time I wished men closer to my age would want to date... but, alas, they are seeking the younger women. So be it. I'm actually glad now they chose the 'chasing younger women' route. That's that.
 rowdysheis
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 103
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:04:54 PM
RE: Msg 130

Lois, were you never told that using foul language does NOT make you look more intelligent. Can you not write without using expletives? And to answer your question of "who the hell am I to judge the hostility and range in your posts", I am a member of POF who writes posts on various fora. I am entitled to have an opinion regarding the hostility and rage you demonstrate in a thread. You have the right to your opinion and so do I. I have not being ranting, using profanity or putting anyone down throughout this thread. That has been your style. Not very professional, I might add.

By the way, my reading comprehension is as good or better than yours, my dear, as is my intelligence. I also have over 20 years more living experience than you. Things are not always so black and white. Past behavior is not always indicitive of future behavior. People can, and do, change. To assume because she lied about her age that she has, or will, continue to lie about other things, since some man you use to know did that to you, is absurd. Each relationship is different. Each couple is different. Each has to be weighed on it's own merits or lack thereof.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 104
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:19:26 PM
~OT~ Lie to me about your age, you'll lie to me about other things. Age lying is the first NO-NO on my list of "Reasons to NOT meet/date." I'm honest about my age, I expect the same. JMO
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 105
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:30:06 PM
Find out her true motives for not revealing her correct age....once you have the motive(s), then you will be able to act accordingly.
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 106
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History
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:36:57 PM
I would think that someone of her age would have garnered enough experience and wisdom along her journey through life to be comfortable in her own skin. Sadly, in this case, it seems not. The lie is one thing - a pretty deceitful one at that - but what it says about her personality...hmmm.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 107
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:52:26 PM
My dad died years ago. His long time girlfriend (that was actually about 20 younger him) thought he was 10 years younger than he was. I doubt she knows to this day and that was 22 years ago.

Some times it is “tempting” to fudge about your age.

My ex wife (married 17 years) was 13 years younger than me. She was the oldest female I had ever been around. She knew before we had our first date. She was the only “age group” that I felt I related to (after all those years).

I did not date much after the divorce (4.5 years ago now) but ......... it was tempting.

On these singles sites it is right in their face. The age is posted on the profile.

In public age is not in their face.

If they ask - I ask them - “How hold do you think I am” - it was crazy lol.

One ask me then said “wait - I can ALWAYS guess a guys age ------ you are ......... 46 (I was 57) and I said - “boy you are good”

Another one - I got real close and said “I am older than you think I am - does that bother you” - she said “no - you are about 50” (I was 58) - end of discussion lol.
 galonthemt
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 108
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 2:05:34 PM
People lie for whatever reason.............I just came back from a first meet and the "gentleman" was at least 40 lbs over what he presented himself to be. And his pic was NOT indicitive of who he was. Yes it was a lie he couldnt hide but a lie non the less. That however would not have prevented me from seeing him again. There was just no connection.

OP the best advise I can give you is to ask her....talk it out...........maybe she is one who just cant deal with aging....maybe she wanted to expand her choices.........maybe maybe maybe.....no one here knows.........once you started in a realationship she should have fessed up but she didnt and now here you are................she got caught up in a lie and didnt know how to correct it.......the longer a lie continues the harder it is to correct..............TALK TO HER OR END IT........................
 someonesx
Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 109
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 5:21:12 PM
I suspect there are just as many men lying about their age on this site and I'm sure a few have even posted on this thread their distaste for a woman doing such a thing just like this one

Msg #104 harrabyman posted this on 5/6



One lie means other things she has said could have been lies too.

I would tread very carefully with this woman.


Yet, he started this thread where he says he just turned 51 and is complaining that women cut off at age 50...hmm yet his profile says he is 48 -

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts9912249.aspx

Wow if this isn't typical hypocrisy about this entire age/lying issue and the pot calling the kettle black..
 ChildfreeGlow
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 110
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:15:36 PM
You know, honestly I think everyone lies sometimes. If you hold a standard for people that it's always a deal breaker if they lie at all, then you're going to be left with a very tiny little group of dating prospects, and I suspect many of them would be the sort who miss the forest for the trees.

Have you ever been late because you were doing something you considered none of anyone else's business and when asked about it made up an excuse? Have you ever taken "sick time" off work to really take what is now euphemistically called a mental health day (aka, going to the beach, sleeping late, or otherwise loafing off)? Have you ever justified your reasons for asking someone to do something with reasons other than your real motives because you thought it more likely the person would say yes?

I'm guessing everyone has done at least some of these things upon occasion. At the very least, most of us have answered a direct question on our opinions about someone with an out and out lie.

Imagine conversations with friendly acquaintances (not best friends) that go like this: "How do I look?" (ever answer, "You look fat and ugly, but that's probably as good as you can do, so I guess I might as well say, 'fine'?) "What do you think of my great new [fill in the blank]?" (ever say, "I think you wasted your money, but then you always were insecure and trying to buy self-esteem in a store"???) "It's impossible to make a living these days; ,Why can't I get out of the low wage rut?" (ever answer, "Because you're dumb.")

So for most people the issue is not whether lying is a damnable sin in our eyes, but whether the particular context of the lie troubles us. So in the OP's situation, to me it's about how offended is he by the idea that she successfully hoodwinked him into falling in love with a woman who is older than him, when presumably he has never seriously considered such women as viable marriage partners? Only he can answer that, but I think that's the question.
 sbnt
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 111
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 7:32:11 PM
Ah yes, another situation where the only option is to end the relationship rather than work through it. Relationships seem to be disposable nowadays. Find something you don't like, feel free to leave the relationship. We expect others to be perfect, and if they do something to tarnish that illusion, we use it as an excuse to want nothing more to do with them. We're always on the lookout for flags or issues.

At this point in time, the fact that she's 8 years older than you is irrelevant. The fact that she lied about it is irrelevant. It's done and that fact can't be changed.

You met and fell in love with her as the person she is, enough that you proposed marriage. I would presume it wouldn't really matter if she was 53 or 61, or even 45.

It shows that had you known her real age, you likely would've never given her a chance, which is sad because at your age, 8 years isn't all that big of a difference. Had it been 23 and 31, that could be understandable as you both could be at different places in your life. Add 30 years, you both have probably experienced plenty of things, enough that you could very well be at the same point in life.

Sure, lying is considered by many to be unacceptable, but the question to ask is do we give up on someone just because of a lie? What if they come forward with the truth, when they could've continued to keep it hidden. Sure she still lied, but in the criminal justice system, don't we show leniency when someone shows remorse for their actions? Sure the CJS is not perfect, but I only used it as an example.

So, maybe you should decide if you really love her, and if so, are you capable of dealing with other problems that come up. Would you look to bail at the first sign of the boat rocking, without first see if the situation can be stabilized.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 112
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:48:06 PM

I agree that her not being honest about her age is a red flag, but you said you fell in love with her and asked her to marry you. Since you did ask her to marry you, she must possess the qualities that you are looking for in a life partner.[quote/]




He didnt fall in love with a lier, now he is thinking does he want to marry some one that loied to him for 6 months and possibly what else she lied about. its funny but one lie usally leads to more lies.
 curveyone
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 113
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 9:01:24 PM
i think a LOT of men on this site and others lie about their body type. why is it almost every guy on here is "athletic"?? you can clearly tell from some of the photos that they are anything but athletic, it's more like "a few extra pounds" or sometimes even "obese". i've even been on BBW sites where i've met met who have lied about their bodies and are obese, not just "a few extra pounds". of course i don't have a problem with extra pounds but they shouldn't lie about it when it's obvious they are. not sure who they think they are fooling.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 114
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History
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:06:27 PM

He didnt fall in love with a lier, now he is thinking does he want to marry some one that lied to him for 6 months and possibly what else she lied about. its funny but one lie usally leads to more lies.
Actually he appears more concerned that she is older than him than he seems to be about the lying. Op says:
am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?
Care to clarify what your actual concern here is Op?
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 115
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:15:06 PM
I appreciatye your comments. as of tonight the engagement and relationship is off. I cannot condone l ying for so long a time. It raises the issue of whether she could rationalise a furhter lie for watever reason. White lies get us by in life, this is not a white lie it waste 18 months of my life and left me totally fearful of more lies to come.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 116
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:20:06 PM
Come on dude, at our age, what is 8 years one way or the other? Seems she must have picked up on something with you. Just look how you are reacting to this small age difference.

That much older than you are? Please, she isn't that much older than you are!!! You make it sound like you are 21 and she is 121.

Are you shallow? Yes you are. Love? You aren't in love or her age would not matter at all.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 117
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History
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/7/2008 10:33:40 PM
I'm playing devils advocate here.. I'm Wondering If she had lied and said she was 53, but really she was only 48.. would you still dump her, Op?
 Mint Ice Cream
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 118
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 12:20:52 AM
right on boredbroad!!!!!! I agree
 tick tock
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 119
view profile
History
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 2:08:01 AM

Lois, were you never told that using foul language does NOT make you look more intelligent. Can you not write without using expletives?


Actually, Lois is one of the more informed and intelligent posters on this site and if she uses expletives, it is often to emphasize a valid point.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 120
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 3:21:33 AM
{quote] you are a guy...you just don't get it !!! ....the truth is...when he is 68...and she is 76....She will be taking care of him...IF...he is still alive..!![quote/].



If she did out live him but a recent study shows women are not living as long as they used to so its a good chance he will be taking care of her. LIKE I DID.
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 121
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 4:51:05 AM
how long did u actually know this broad before you 'proposed'?? (8 years is alot)...i know women that lie a few years.(2-3) .but thats why i love the 'net..i check them out..i also do a criminal & legal check..its all free.Seems like you moved pretty fast before you really got to know her..just curious..were the lights always out'?/ LOL...
 tender_tootsie_pop
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 122
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:26:54 AM
Do you people honestly think this woman woke up everyday and thought..."Yippee..I lied about my age to this man, and it worked, I snared a man!"

What I am getting at here is her intent. It was likely a moment of weakness when she put in her age on here, then she met a met a "great guy",made a mental note to say something and then likely forgot...or maybe, just maybe she was under the impression that 'age is only a number' from the OP...Lots of people make remarks like that on a daily basis. Only when the idea of marriage came up did it occur to her that she had better let him know.

Every single day every one of you tells a lie. I dont care who you are, or what you say, it is true. Anyone who dares declare otherwise is a liar. And then you carry on with your day and you forget about it.

The OP is not really in love with her, or else this would not be a huge issue. It is an 'out'. It is easier to dump her and feel justified and have everyone pat him on the back for doing so, then to actually work thru an issue with a prospective mate. Total sign of the times...and behaviour I would expect from someone much, much younger.

I highly doubt he would be this upset over 'the lie' if it turned out she was 8 years younger.

Now, if being with a women older than him is not a pleasant thought, and that is really the issue, then Yes, dump her. But dont use 'the lie' as your reason. I call BS on that. It's cause she's older....and perpetuates the reason she entered a false age in the first place.
 horse38
Joined: 11/22/2005
Msg: 123
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 5:30:11 AM
if you love her you love her hell with her age man evadently she is good in bed and you didnt notice her beeing older so she can keep up with you she might should have found her a 30 year old if your gona whine about it .
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 124
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:00:33 AM
Well, one good thing is that most of the men on this thread have confirmed that 8 years older is way too much older. Good....Now I can turn down all those 50 something suitors without feeling guilty. LOL!

GEESSHH! The double standard rears its ugly head again!

Guys... get over the numbers or quit complaining about how hard it is to find a decent woman.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 125
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/8/2008 7:06:35 AM
You know the argument isn't if a woman 8 years older than her man will be capable of taking care of her man during their golden years. It's about perpetuating a demographic lie about yourself for 6 months of engagement.

Dave, maybe you can take a "time out" from the relationship before coming to the conclusion to end everything. Take a step back and contemplate the severity and impact of the lie, and also contemplate if she may have other skeletons in her closet she hasn't told you about. Perhaps if you take a step back she will be forthcoming with anything else she is hiding from you, and you can get a better sense of the value that she added to your life in the time that you were involved with her, what sort of value she might add to your life should you decide to remain involved with her.
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