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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?      Home login  
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 Chagal116
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 126
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?Page 6 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
I can tell you why alot of people on line don't want to tell their real age initally because most men and some woman seem to want someone 10 to 20 years younger then them.....mostly men take alook at their age range.
so woman who are in their age group don't even get looked at from the get go....Frankly in my opinion if your not looking to procreate, and are looking for someone for real to spend the rest of your life with then aslong as both your needs are met it doesn't matter in the age group we are concidering. This guy just wanted out and wasn't man enough to step up to if it was true love.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 127
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 2:50:30 AM
A lie is a lie thier is no stages as to the servrity of the lie, a fib is a lie. she should have said something in the first month but no she did not say anything for 18 months, now thier is the servirty of the lie she kept it up for 18 months. now he has a problem with the age and the lie so should he lie to himslef and forgetr it well he cant and thier is nothing wrong wiith the way he feels. Why would some one want to lie to a friend they are no friend in my book.
 casandra67
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 128
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 3:01:56 AM
I agree that a lie is a lie, there is no doubting that, she lied plain and simple.
I just cant get my head around someone being in love with another so much to marry but not enough to forgive. There is no doubt in my mind that he would have lied about something, we all do.
Some people are acting like she should be tarred and feathered as if they have never ever ever lied about anything in their whole lives.
What it comes down to is the OP couldnt forgive or live with this particular lie and ended his relationship and he is entitled, we all have our deal breakers, I just hope he doesnt have a future of lonely years ahead of him because of his stance on this issue.
 solver
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 129
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:27:36 AM
OP, just a couple of points that have only indirect relationship to the lie. I'm 29 years married, and there is a 12.5 year age difference. No matter how well kept your lady is nature will likely make the age difference more and more obvious in the next 8 years. I was always the older(more settled, steady, focused) one in our relationship even though my wife was the oldest in years, then at about 64 my wife seamed to hurtle by me at lighting speed, age wise. She "aged" dramatically mentally and physically. Communication on many levels changed (deteriorated) rapidly. Just something to think about. Maybe this only applies to me and my personal circumstances, I'm married for life and I care very deeply for my wife, but it is difficult, very difficult. The age difference is a major factor. I have come on POF to find friends to communicate with, share with to have common interests. To find a friendly compassionate person to communicate with, I have given enormous effort to do the same at home, however it takes more than one to be successful.

I surely can not tell you what is right for you, but if my personal experience gives any insight then maybe it will save pain and discomfort for you and your lady. Best wishes.

Solver
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 130
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:07:27 AM

Your "general assumptions" are the same as my "general assumptions." We both applied them to individuals referenced in the OP's post. My statements are "general" about human nature - yours about life expectancy. Their is no difference.


No, you're wrong. It's just an actuarial fact that as we age, the chance of death and illness increases. I don't need to know anything about OP or his ex to make that statement. It applies to everyone. You're making the case that the OP is a jerk and his ex is wonderful based on almost no evidence. You don't know what else she may have misstated, or anything else about their relationship.


The point being, we all die. The question is when, and what kind of life precedes it.


And that is unknowable. No one knows for sure whether they have genes for long life.
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 131
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 5:22:46 AM

OP, just a couple of points that have only indirect relationship to the lie. I'm 29 years married, and there is a 12.5 year age difference. No matter how well kept your lady is nature will likely make the age difference more and more obvious in the next 8 years. I was always the older(more settled, steady, focused) one in our relationship even though my wife was the oldest in years, then at about 64 my wife seamed to hurtle by me at lighting speed, age wise. She "aged" dramatically mentally and physically.


This gentleman has done all a great favor by posting. This is why lying about an age difference of eight years is not a harmless fib, and why a caring partners would want their partners to know everything about them - age, health, financial issues - everything. OP's ex didn't care enough about him to disclose everything she owed him.

And cut the pious 'forgiveness' bit. No one here knows enough about that relationship to decide for the OP whether he should forgive or not. People keep writing - 'have you ever made a mistake? Well, have you ever decided something someone did was unforgivable?

I think a lot of this discussion is coming from women who feel morally justified in lying about their ages. It's lying - if it blows up in your face, don't crybaby about it.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 132
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:06:30 AM
Re: post 316 as it relates to post 312:
This gentleman has done all a great favor by posting. This is why lying about an age difference of eight years is not a harmless fib, and why a caring partners would want their partners to know everything about them - age, health, financial issues - everything. OP's ex didn't care enough about him to disclose everything she owed him.
Interesting! You say this gentleman had done us a favor... Now here's a man that is married.. on a dating site.. looking for "friendship" outside of his commitment. Interesting that you think he's done us a favor. I wonder if he's caring enough to at least let his wife know he's attempting to step out on her by being a member of this Dating site. He states his wife is somewhat "failing" in her vitality (in sickness and in health???) as such, unless they are in an "open" relationship.. I'd say his lie shouldn't be pointed out as "doing us all a favor" Why take one lier's word as gospel, yet propose not to be able to get past one who has lied about age?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 133
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 11:51:40 AM

Nobody seems to want to state what other sorts of fibs are acceptable. How about lying about your fidelity? After 18 months and six months of engagement, she tells him she's been lying about her fidelity to him, she has a FWiBbie on the side, but he should forgive her, after all, his love for her hasn't changed, she's still the same woman, right?
By lying about her age.. she did not renege on a promise of commitment or to"forsake all others"

Is this forgiveable? A dark-complexioned guy tells a woman he's Italian when he meets her, 18 months later she finds out he's not Italian but Hispanic. Should she forgive him?
This is still about "who" the person you fell in love with is. Ethnicisity wouldn't/shouldn't change my love for that person.. just like chronilogical age shouldn't/wouldn't change my love either.

I suspect that if the Op really truly loves(ed) this woman, then he will not be able to get her out of his system quite so easily just because she's 8 years older than what he first thought. Perhaps with distance from her.. he will come to realize this. Perhaps he won't.. cie la vie!
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 134
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 12:00:45 PM

Now here's a man that is married.. on a dating site..


I have no idea what he's doing here (he clearly states he's married) and I don't care, and I have no way of knowing whether his story is true, or if anybody's story online is true. Even is his story isn't true, it wouldn't be hard to find other people in similar circumstances.

You don't like the fact that lying about age matters - well, it does. Be honest or accept the consequences.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 135
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 4:15:24 PM

You don't like the fact that lying about age matters - well, it does. Be honest or accept the consequences.
I've never considered that lying about age or lying about ANYTHING doesn't matter... I contend that if someone has already fallen in love with a person.. THEN their age should'nt matter..

"Be honest".. I have been!
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 136
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:02:40 PM
Hello bikeman and SomeonesX

I posted a thanks and catch you later line when Jan and I engaged, and I never returned to remove the profile or peruse it , nor did I "keep trolling". I loved,,,, love her and would not do that , that is why I entered a committment in marraige!!!!

I am amazed at the response here and mostly my problem is that she lied for so long after the engagement. Also the timeline or chronological age is pretty signifigant in that around 62 or so we show age more. or so I think.

Jan and I have talked this weekend, we have propertyu together, dreams and lots of other things couples do together invested in each other.. so we have lots to talk about. Shallow Dave(that would be me) is coming around to the idea that 8 yrs might be ok.......... the six month deciet is the toug pill to swallow. Thanks all.........hey be honest and take whatever lumps it brings cause the pain associated with this two weeks of hell is not FUN!!!

DAVE
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 137
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:06:27 PM
Chagal

you are way off base on this one.........way off. I did not want out.
 solver
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 138
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:49:29 AM
OP my post #312 was simply to offer "MY" personal experiences for you to see and make your own choices. What I stated was/is true and factual.

As to post #319 calling me a liar: My profile is VERY clear and truthful, it is interesting to me though that your mind is so deep in the gutter that you assume individuals can not be friends and share like circumstances. I also take note that you are "separated", which some would say is still "MARRIED". I also take note that you have chosen to display your most saleable attributes prominently in your photo (don't misunderstand they are quite nice). Maybe "Wishes Granted" you should self-evaluate lying before you falsely label others.

Solver
 moovebuff77
Joined: 3/30/2007
Msg: 139
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:55:22 AM
Not a great way to start a relationship - the integrity of the relationship has already been breached. The only thing you carry with you is your word - this would be a deal breaker for me.
 djRice
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 140
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 10:40:40 AM

I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53). We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues... am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me? What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments


I dated someone longdistance and during my first visit, it was an instant connection. i though i was inlove as well. i was much more older than he was. the second time i visited his city, while he was at work, i decided to clean his room. well i shouldnt have. Only because i found some things he lied to me about.
Basically i was having second thoughts about him. the relationship lasted 3 months. However we've known each other for 2 years as friends. I thought since he was a friend first, he'd be able to open up and discuss some things with me. I guess i was wrong. The more it got serious, the weirder the relationship became. It always felt like he was hiding something from me.

We've broken up now, he occassionaly calls, but thats as far as the relationship will go.

I couldnt trust him anymore.

The age thing - maybe she felt embarrassed? But i hope this is the only thing she lied to you about.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 141
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:14:11 AM
No, I'm sorry, solver.
I have no problem with attached people who come here STRICTLY for the forums, or with those PoF members who have gotten into a relationship but choose to stay here for friends and forums.
But if you are looking for "friends", why limit it to women? Why the age filter? Do you live in an isolated situation? Is there no place in yours or nearby communities you can go to make friends?

No you are here looking for something, and even if it happens in "cyberspace" it's still a form of cheating. Which I could give a rat's ass about. It's the hypocrisy of attacking another member and "labeling" her.

As for your personal marital experience, good grief, man! Didn't the thought occur to you that with an age discrepancy of 12+ years( and this goes for EITHER gender, and whichever way the age discrepancy) that there would come a day when that age discrepancy might take on a much greater significance?

You gambled and lost, dude. You don't get to hedge your bet or welsh on it. Either lie in the bed you made or give the lady a divorce so you can find a younger woman.
I'm NOT saying that a relationship or marriage with a significant age discrepancy CAN'T work, but you have to realize that one day the age difference may well hit a "tipping point" and the elder partner will be OLD,while the younger partner is NOT. You either go into the marriage for the love and joy of the present and a willingness to accept what the future brings, or you DON'T GO. There is no provision in the modern marriage ceremony permitting the spouse with the still active libido to pay lip service to the marriage,meanwhile hunting for a friend(with benefits) on the side. It don't work like that.
Cindy O
 solver
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 142
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:49:03 AM
Out of respect to the OP I will not continue on this thread, however I will discuss my profile and intentions on another thread, if you wish Ladyc4 or Wishes Granted. Set it up, and advise me.

My apologies OP, I was only trying to give you my viewpoint.

Solver
 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 143
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:23:46 PM
No. Lying about age is just as bad as lying about your weight, height, profession, smoking habits etc.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 144
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:33:04 PM
To the Op: Dave .. I wish the best of luck and kudos to you for not giving up on love.

As to post #319 calling me a liar: My profile is VERY clear and truthful, it is interesting to me though that your mind is so deep in the gutter that you assume individuals can not be friends and share like circumstances. I also take note that you are "separated", which some would say is still "MARRIED". I also take note that you have chosen to display your most saleable attributes prominently in your photo (don't misunderstand they are quite nice). Maybe "Wishes Granted" you should self-evaluate lying before you falsely label others.
Your business on here is not mine, solver. I don't judge you. My post was directed at another poster who used you as an example yet failed to see that in essence you still living with your spouse, could be considered a lie or lying.... I have not lived with my spouse for 4 years now.. our marital union has been severed = no lie! As for my "attributes" WTH has this got to do with the thread's topic and btw.. They're real.. no lie there either.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 145
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 12:48:43 PM
Solver
your viewpoint is fine,but you have got to understand that a LOT of people here have big issues with a married person being on what is STILL predominantly a dating site, and that someone is most likely going to call you down on it. To turn around and be a pot calling the kettle black has nothing to do with the OP's original issue.
Yes, at some point in a relationship, a significant age difference may well become a larger issue than originally thought. But when that happens you have to be a standup person and either accept the issue, or else terminate the marriage or relationship.
I have nothing but compassion for the spouse of someone who has been incapacitated by an illness or accident, or whose spouse is now a shell of themselves due to Alzheimers, dementia or severe mental illness.
And this isn't all on you, solver...your wife should have given careful thought as to whether she could let you go if someday the age difference created incompatibilities. Have you discussed this with her?
Is she woman enough to either MUSTER UP the energy and interest to be a true companion, or to let you go if she cannot?
Cindy O
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 146
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:05:22 PM

With all due respect, I am not wrong, and neither are you. This is a judgment call – you would make a different one for reasons that are valid to you. Your reasons are not valid to me, and I would make a different call. Surely you are not suggesting that because insurance companies have developed statistical tables to calculate potential profits that we have more reliable measure than what we know about human nature? Take any two human beings you like: I’ll put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they have both lied, or misled, or otherwise deceived, or done something that they are ashamed of, at some point in their life, and I don’t think it would take a whole lot of investigation to prove it.


My point, once again, is that eight years is a significant amount of age, and lying about that much age is not meaningless. There are a lot of women here trying to minimize the importance of lying about age.


Take any two human beings you like: I’ll put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they have both lied, or misled, or otherwise deceived, or done something that they are ashamed of, at some point in their life,


Yeah, so? And maybe they took their medicine for having done wrong. Has anyone ever done anything to you that was a relationship breaker? You don't like his being upset (initial decision, or whatever, assuming we're even discussing real people and events) about her age. Maybe something you think is trivial someone else would find important.


I would not put a million dollars on the ‘fact’ that they are going to die at age 76, or any other actuary table hypothesis.

Needless to say, actuarial tables are not about individuals. Trying to guess at birth when a person is likely to die is impossible. However, if you'd like to place a $1M bet on a 76 year old living 20 more years vs. a 40 year old living 20 more years, you'll have lots of takers.

Age matters. Sorry.
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 147
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 2:39:23 PM

MSG 343 Instead of continuing this diatribe....could we just concede that age matters to YOU.......But doesnt necessarily matter to everyone........................


Sure, as long as we concede that age, and honesty, DO matter to a LOT of people. Certainly the ones I'd like to meet.
 4dutyandhumanity
Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 148
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:03:00 PM

Yes, we got your point. Age matters -- to you.


Age matters to me, and it also matters to the women who lie about theirs, else why lie? I know you hate this, but there are many women, and men, who feel it's beneath them to misrepresent themselves. Many. And good for them. Deception is probably the number one complaint people have with online dating.


What I SAID was, have you considered forgiveness as a possible response, because my guess is, somewhere in your life, someone forgave YOU.


What I read being argued by many women here was that the OP was a schmuck for not forgiving, because the lie was inconsequential. Some things are forgivable, some aren't. OP has to decide that. I thought the judgments laid on him were out of line.


Are you willing to stake a million dollars on any human being you like, that they have never lied, cheated, mislead or otherwise done something shameful that they wish they hadn’t? I doubt it.


Your moral fantasies have nothing to do with the point I was making. Perhaps I should start a thread "Have you ever missed warning signs while in love?" We could examine the topic of forgiveness in that context.
 mookiera
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 149
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:07:20 PM
If you don't continue because of the age difference, you are indeed shallow.
If you don't continue because a big lie has been told to you, you are indeed wise.
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 150
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/14/2008 2:02:28 PM
OP here:

This post of Ladyc4 is exactly my dilemna, shallow as it seems, I am concerned that we will not meet the goals we spent hours discussing and run out of time. 8 yrs in that time period IS signifigant. For you BOTH, my challenge is now....... can I accept it. I might , she is that wonderful, but it is taking its toll on me and our relationship that at this point has slipped to bf/gf.
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