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Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 119
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Been married for 20 years, feel empty.Page 4 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

I read all the posts and no one knows more about what you are going through than me. Everyone seems to not understand how difficult situation it can be when you are torn between choices like you are facing.

I was married (separated now) to a man for 8 years (together for 9). Six of those years have been without affection of any kind. It's like being in a home, but still feeling lonely. But I decided that it was better for me to live alone than to feel lonely. It's the most difficult thing, but it's the best thing......for me.

I know the emptiness you feel...I felt it every day...and still do. But, think about the example you are showing to your children? Your daughter, is she going to be the type of person who will stay in a marriage...even if she is not happy? If she were in the same situation...what advice would you give her? Put yourself in her might see a different picture and could also clear up your turmoil.

You alone have to make the decision of what you need to do...but if you stay in the know it won't get any better...don't worry about the "security"...the security can it's own pace.

Just think..."what would I say to my daughter, if she were in the same situation"...might get your answers.

Don't know if it helped...just know that you are NOT alone.
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 121
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Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 12:41:57 AM
I understand how u feel. But it sounds like u want it both ways. U want people on here to tell u it is ok to cheat cuz u r so sad. U n only U made the choices that put u where u r. And U n only U can make the choices to relieve ur sadness.
Cheating is a bad choice. It mite seem exciting at first. But too many people get hurt. And there will come a time U will regret it. Once U do it U cant undo it.
Honetly, do u think that "Mr. Right" is a man that will cheat with a married woman? Or cheat on his wife?
Get a divorce. It is hard. And it hurts. But in time u adjust. I think u r just afraid of the unknown. Well, it is scary. Adjusting ur life over is hard n u will go threw a hard time. But u need to decide if u want to be unhappy or try to be happy. If u decide to stay married then u will have to find a way to make it work. If u get a divorce u will have to make that work too. Ur kids know if ur not happy. "They would rather be from a broken home then live in one." And PLEASE PLEASE if u decide to divorce DO NOT use ur kids to hurt each other. PLEASE. In the end u only hurt them.
Dating seems exciting, but it is hard.
I hope u decide wat is right for u n ur kids. And ur husband.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 123
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 6:57:17 AM
I think you alread you said something to that effect about packagedeal earlier.
This is not a chat zone. I would venture to say that you are trolling for attemtion??
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 124
view profile
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 10:45:38 AM

Hey, I just wanted to say that pacagedealx3 is pure gold. Good mornin everybody@! Don't be hatin'. Have a great and eventful Saturday!
I hope by posting this again, it means that you will be taking her excellent advice....
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 125
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:18:56 AM
I have been married for over 24 years and have known my "husband" for over 28 years. I met him when I was 17 and I am now 46. Too many of my years wasted. We still live together in the same house, but we have been separated for over 3 years. We sleep in separate beds also. For my youngest son, I have stayed here for him but he graduates next week and I am hoping to go on with my life.
This will be the year of many changes for me. I have been depressed for many years. But I have found the strength from my family and friends. I have many internet friends that also support me.
One of my changes was getting my own checking account, he spends money like water and is over drawn. I am hoping to find another place to live, move and make more money to support my family and my self more. Find the courage to start my divorce. Biggest thing is to find a man that will RESPECT me, take care of me and help with my kids but won't tell then what to do.
I may still be "legally" married, but I do date and I have found some men that are truly a gentle man. I have been hurt so much by men in the past and I don't like to be taken for grated for sex. I am totally honest when I meet a person and I want them to know my whole story. I might not tell every thing, but it is nice to find a new friend.
Good luck and contact me if you want to know the rest of the story.....
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 126
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/17/2008 11:35:10 AM

Biggest thing is to find a man that will RESPECT me, take care of me and help with my kids

No, the biggest thing is for you to get your life in order ON YOUR OWN. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Why do you need help with your kids? Didn't you say your youngest is graduating? If your children are young adults maybe they need to be nudged out of the nest?
If you cannot end your marriage and build a new life for yourself without having a man to help you, then maybe you shouldn't be getting divorced?
Cindy O
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 129
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 12:03:08 AM
rdclaw how did you *look her up * unless your one of the people in charge of this site , or know her personally.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 135
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:50:47 AM
I appreciate that you did have the courage to write in and express your view. Thank you.
She never did ask for advice in the first place. She only asked if there were others that felt the way she did. What she wanted was a "party" forum thread of all of the same kind of creatures as her. Then they could all be in sympathy with each other and bash their husbands. I see this at the local bar or nightclub on girl's night. What she also wanted was to have a support system to justify doing what she is doing.

Just for interest's sake. She has attempted to talk to many men. Many men have attempted to talk to her. Many men like you have become disgusted with her because she has shown her true colours. They have also written to me to apologize for mis-reading her.

There is a lesson here for you men. Just like you men have a hard time understanding why we women are susceptible to charming men who can play us, we have a hard time wondering why you men will fall like flies to dogsh*it to skanky, selfish, mean-mouthed, self-proclaimed "bombs" who cry out that they need to be rescued from some horrible, mean man who is hurting their poor "wittle" feelings!!!
That is why I was kicking her ass.
We women know about women like her.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 137
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:03:52 AM reply to all of those that say she has a right to write in here...she has a right to do want she wants...yadda...yadda..
Of course she does!! It's America right?
With rights comes responsibility. Somehow our "me" generation kinda forgot that.
I have a right to do what I want within reason, but not the right to step on anyone's toes for it. There is her marriage (vows), her husband, her children to consider in this little escapade of hers. There are also other people's feelings to consider. Some of these nice men who went to war for her and have realised now what she is and they hurt.
I have the right to express myself, but the not the right to slander, misrepresent myself, or manipulate to my own greedy ends. If someone comes onto a forum expressly saying that they want to find a man and they are married, then they are fodder for some straight up expressing of the right to say your piece.
This country, our human society is based on certain rules and codes of behaviour. They are there for a reason. If everyone was immoral and had no ethics, I really believe that that we are in trouble as a humanity on earth.
So..look after that part, look after educating your children on that part and we should be ok.
Wallowing and "feeling" sympathy for her is not going to cut it.
All of us who are divorced have our war stories. What makes hers special?
I divorced before I invited another man in my life. Vows and my word means alot to me.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 138
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:09:51 AM
You must be one of those that wanted to rescue her. Believe me, from what I have in private mail from others like you, you will see that there is no Christian morals about her at all.
I have an idea!
She does need to be rescued by well meaning men like you! You are God's soldier. She is a fallen woman. Do your best to save her soul. Write her. See if you can meet with her. You might be the one that she sees as a gate and her bird wings will fly straight to your heart.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 140
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:00:12 AM

I just wanted to send all those "God's soldiers" your way. You were the one who said you were Christian in the 1st post. With all of those well meaning men trying to save you and rescue you I figured that it would keep you busy in a productive way with the men.
Just a note, super, it's quite revealing how hot you think you are by what's in my mailbox. er..ummm....selective that you are.
Guys....I will always keep your privacy high priority. Your name and mail will never be revealed.
Britney Spears re-visited except as a middle-aged woman.....
 lover of peace
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 141
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:11:23 AM
Hello sister!!
Same situation sort of, glad to see I'm not alone. Please know that neither are you. As I read the comments posted about your message all I can think of is how you are reaching out for something you need and getting slapped in the hand!
YES, POVERTY SUCKS!! Anyone who has not been there thinks it's an easy hole to climb out of, THEY ARE WRONG. Especially with 3 children in tow.
I find the men I met in dating sites are very quick to judge married women looking for some male companionship. They will give you the sex, but use the fact that you are married as an easy out.
Lets take a look at the single men. The last one I met said he had met LOTS of women through the dating site we met on. We got together a few times for what I thought was intimacy, but to him was just sex. I later found out he was seeing other women (sexually) but not telling me. A year later I called him up to see how he was doing. The woman he "replaced" me with was still in his life. He felt a fondness for her, but it was not love.
I asked him when the last time he actually made love to a woman. He could not answer me!
The man before him was having sex with 3 other women, not volunteering that information to me and trying to get me into his bed. Good thing I found out before I slept with the dirty pig!
The man before him was EXTREMELY sexy and good looking, but 51, never been married, and not looking for commitment, just sex.
I have found most men think dating sites are a free escort service.
So my friend, read the book "The Porn Trap" before you get started with the online thing. Be VERY careful, guard your heart, guard your body, because the dating scene is dangerous, but as far as reaching out for what you NEED, I hope you find a kind, caring, sexy man!
If you were a rich woman out there dating, you would still run into the same crap!
Good luck! And if you ever want to talk, my name in here is Lover of Peace!
 lover of peace
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 142
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:20:06 AM
Any truly spiritual person knows, we were born to love. Wanting a member of the opposite sex to share our life and our bed with is not selfish or week, it's NORMAL!
My son's father has spent his whole life neglecting and ignoring him.
I would love to meet a man who enjoys my son's company, maybe takes him golfing, fishing, whatever! My son has a job, he can pay his own way!
As far as "the lord helps those who help themselves," NOT ALWAYS!
I see some very lazy, selfish, arrogant people going through this life very comfortable.
So comfortable in fact they do not see or care about others who suffer!
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 143
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:49:37 AM
Lover, Idealism is all about love! Hey....I grew up in the peace era of the sixties!!
Are you for real??? How old are you? Did you grow up on this planet?
Idealism has no rules. We all wish for everything to be perfect...and lovely...and...full of love...and flowers worries...and...Philadelphia cream cheese...
OMG!! I am an angel in heaven!!
Realism is a wake-up call. Realism is what us humans are all about. Realism shows us what we have a responsibility to make this as good as a human society as we can. It has rules!!
To actually believe that a married woman should be able to go onto a dating site and just expect men to gather around her for some ....?????????????? BUT, NOT SEX???

I knew this forum would bring out the "has been" Beauty Queens who cannot live without having some man's attention centered on anything but their minds.
Sounds like more middle-aged Barbie Dolls, Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons are coming out for this grand party...
They all are married, disgruntled with their husbands and are looking for male attention. Simple as that.
No advice needed for these gals. They want a club.
Joined: 6/30/2004
Msg: 145
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Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 12:06:25 PM

Just read thru this forum, and may I say that the OP doesnt say she wants a relationship in her profile, she puts friendship.

She sent someone her picture, so what, maybe she wanted a compliment to feel good about herself, that isn't a sin, nor does it constitute cheating.

OP - I hope you can make the choice on your life that is right for you and that the remainder of your life is happy and healthy.

I am a bit saddened by the ferocity of some of the replies here, I know we can all have an opinion, but it seems to have got a little personal - on all sides, before I get flamed!

Hope everyone stays happy and healthy.

Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 148
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 1:37:50 PM
I am so dissapointed in what this website has become. Have you people no lives? man!

WallFlower...I can not BELIEVE you have TURNED IN TO THE PERSON YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH ON YOUR FIRST POST. Remember crying about it in the testimonials section? Ugh, I defended your self-righteous ass and here you are doing the same damn thing. INCREDIBLE how the story goes. BACK OFF!

How can you people come on here and smack someone around like this? Are you going to do it to their face? No, of course not. SO WHAT if shes on a DATING website? Get over yourselves.

OP you need to leave him or quit talking to men on here. I don't care if you are on here because leaving someone you have spent so much time with is very hard to do. People on this website are looking for any excuse to yell at anyone just to make themselves feel better.

No wonder all you people are alone. You are all BITTER.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 149
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 3:37:13 PM
Twisted Envy....
And...there you are, too. Still here.
At least I defend something that is all about honor and integrity. I expressed my opinion in a clear and concise way about married women who want to have it all. goodness...listen to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...
Here is what you said to me....
"Ugh, I defended your self-righteous ass and here you are doing the same damn thing. INCREDIBLE how the story goes. BACK OFF!"
You have the right to yell at me me? that tone? For what?
Funny thing about being forthright.
A person is on here being forthright because she is not buying into the P/C attitude that we are supposed to have while someone (self-proclaimed bomb) moans a pity party about her terrible marriage and horrible kids. This "bomb" wants to hook up with men without leaving her marriage. She has since proven that is exactly what she is doing. Read the entire post instead of judging and yelling at how a person nails the problem on the head.
I expressed myself about it. I am not an enabler. You are that type.
Of note: I am still that person who came onto POF...with COMMON SENSE and DECENCY.
I have participated in enough posts that I show my genuine concern for people who really need it. People who intend to use do not have my sympathy. Like I said before, we all have our war stories in why we have divorced. Why is hers so special? NOT!
Cheating is cheating.
Edit: Reference to POF and dating sites.
What I have noticed is that it is rife with women and men who all have trust issues. They have been through the hurts of divorce and then with the attitude of seeking something wonderful and new they come on here or on another dating site. They are like innocent babies and in many ways so vulnerable to the cheesy, charming, double-talking predators on here. Predators meaning females and males who only need to seek/ hunt prey so they can feast. These hunters suit themselves up with the ability to "talk the talk and walk the walk". Look at these naive warriors all through this thread going to rescue the fair maiden..(who, we know doean't need rescuing at all).
I have had hurt men who believed in her e-mail me and tell me what she really is like after they had attempted to console her. Nasty work.
What do you think of a married man (or man in long term) who is shopping on here and uses the same tactics to woo some naive woman who has a warm and giving heart? Let me tell you, there are many threads about that on here. The hurt that these non-committal people cause is incredible. They just want to use people as a band aid for their own selfish needs.
That is what I will bare my teeth at.
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 151
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:16:05 PM
I don't know everything, but I can tell you I have been there. Obviously you are not the only person in an empty marriage. Look at the divorce rate. I don't have kids so I guess it was different for me. I can tell you that I stayed for17 years, about 5 years too long. When I left I cried for two months. I told someone that I felt like my life was over and he said ' maybe it has just begun.'After that day I joined a gym and became physically strong, got two jobs and became financially strong, and started to love myself, made some new friends and became emotionally strong. I know now that I would choose to work every hour of the day if I had to over being back with him. I walked away from financial stability to a life of uncertainty and I have never looked back. It has been 10 years and I don't regret leaving one bit. I know who I am and what I want from my life. I am not in a relationship right now and I don't suggest leaving one and going straight to another. Find out who you are first. By the time you are our age you know what you need from life, what you can tolerate and what you can't. Only you can fix this and being on a computer is not the answer. The answer will come from within you.Grab whatever strength you have, make your decision and get this fixed. Life is short.You know what they say. The only thing worse than being in an unhappy situation for ten years, is being in it for eleven. You have it in you. We all do if we look deep enough. Good luck.
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 152
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:56:23 PM

I understand your point of view-yes there are people on this website who possibly shouldn't be. But again, they can be and it is their decision to be if they want. I seriously felt for you on your post because mr. velveteer was chewing you out and reading further into your posts than intended and doing wrongfully as well (or, I guess he could be right seeing as you've gone full circle to this thread). You have shown yourself to be a Mr. Velveteer now in this post, and for that I feel for you.

Just because it seems like the "cool" thing to do is chew this girl out doesn't mean you should. Guess what? Shes a person just like you. So what if shes a little mixed up right now? You think yelling at her to change is going to help? No, it isn't. What people like her need is some GOOD advice. Not "oh, youre a hoe because you are on here and married."

Like I said, I agree that she shouldn't talk to guys in that fashion right now. But seriously, bombing her with critiques isn't going to work.

ANYWAYS, OP (whatever OP stands for), you should leave your husband if you have slept in seperate beds for 10 years and you feel empty. Either that or try to bring the passion back in, and stop talking to men on here. Use the forums all you like, because it WILL help you through difficult times if people like wallflower and that other chick stop bombarding folks like you with horrible comments.

Grow up people, you sound like you are in high school.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 154
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:01:08 PM
Old school?...
Your post is just a repeat of what she has been told numerously on here.
No idea what we are talking about? Obviously you haven't read all of the thread.
On thing about being young, blonde and having a name like lustfull on POF you won't have worry about the intelligence factor. yourself a favour and don't turn into an aging Britney Spears who uses sex (in it's many baiting forms) to get attention. Look at all the "old school" attractive and beautiful women in the public eye today. They have ennui, they have class, they have style, substance, intelligence and wholesomeness. That is sexy.
OP??....a "bomb"...using this as a way to get a man at her age?
(Excuse me while I retch)....
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 155
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:09:37 PM
This post is about OP. Not me. Stay on topic and bring in something new, please...or get off. Coming late into a thread and throwing your weight around is silly. Trying to flame is Velvet's program and I see you are a good pupil. He would be happy with you.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 157
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:35:12 PM
Some of the men that this thread attracts...I just read FlexApr's profile.
Now...he could be what you are looking for. Keep us updated after you contact him or he contacts you. Do you have any roses left?
This should be interesting.

Edit: where did that guy go to? He must have deleted his post....
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 158
view profile
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:51:15 PM
Wallflower.. you tell Twisted to stay on topic, that the thread isn't about you, yet the post right above, of yours is doing exactly what you tell Twisted not to do.

The Opening Poster was looking to hear from anyone that is experiencing the same thing she is.. She DID NOT ask if what she was doing on here was right or wrong.
It is understood that you don't agree with her being on here while being married... It would appear that your need to control and your need for validation in your opinion is boarding on obsessive.
By being married and on a dating site, it would appear that cheating would be premeditated. Not many condone this... I respectfully suggest you Let It Go... You (and one other poster who has obviously not come to terms with her two husbands having cheated on her) are beginning to sound desperate in your attempts for validation of your opinions... Being gleeful over someone elses confusion about what is the best thing for themselves is, at the very least ugly to witness.

@OP: Truthfully, to me ~ after reading some of your latter comments, it seems you are not as confused/feeling lost, as I thought you were.. but rather more lazy than anything. Afterall it is easier to sweep one's sh*t under the rug and not deal.
I hope you get proactive in making a better life for yourself and your young daughter and that you direct some motherly strength and energy towards her and a happier, more fullfiling life ~ wheather that be confronting your husbad about your unhappiness and asking for his help to change your situation, or by getting out of the marriage and starting new.
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 159
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:34:33 PM
To tiresome....wishes granted..
Right or opinion is mine about married people going on dating sites.
You should learn to respect that right, madam.
Read the American Constitution and the Canadian one.....
Can't handle forums? Then do something else.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 161
view profile
Been married for 20 years, feel empty.
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:31:26 PM
^^ No... not any of us who have stuck up for op have condoned her cheating.. We have given her advice about that and about her dismal home life as well.
I don't have sympathy for the fact she is cheating (btw, nowhere is it confirmed that she has cheated only that she is married and has a profile here) Also; it was not a "snide" remark.. it was an observation based on the many posts on the same subject that I've read from this person. Interesting that you immediately jumped to your own defense when no names were ever mentioned!
Those who have "vehemently" taken the Op's side, (at least me anyway) are not condoning her putting herself in a position to cheat.. we are taking her side because we have experience with an alcoholic or with the mind-fvcking decisions that need to be made when we realize that it isn't going to get any better and we need to take action, we also come to her defense because we are horrified with the way some of you treat others with your verbal abuse

To supertacu... you will not be imposing, please feel free to email me anytime.
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