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 Foodnmusicguy
Joined: 5/7/2014
Msg: 50
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I met someone tonight who loves to dance.



We had a lot of fun this evening.



He said he wanted to get to know me



He asked me to go to this dance



I used to go to those dances all the time.


...and then this :



I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not being able to go and do the things I want to do because my bf doesn't like the things I like.


You've only been with your bf 6 months....

Cut him loose.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 51
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:23:12 AM

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not being able to go and do the things I want to do because my bf doesn't like the things I like. At the same time, I care about him, and you know , opposites attract?


I don't think opposites attract. IMO that statement was more about superficial or narrowly defined attributes. Maybe one likes to be the leader, one likes to follow. Two leaders may fight each other.

But if one values family and children,the other wants nothing to do with that, one wants to marry the other wants to date, they are opposites and they don't attract. Do you really think they should attempt a long term relationship?

I think similar values are important.

Interest are only important if the interests are a central and significant part of your life and those interest are best when shared. My wife likes to knit and crochet, I don't, does anyone think that matters? But dancing, traveling, those are best enjoyed as a couple.

And you can have chemistry between two people that will never get along in the longer term. A lot of people form a couple based on the chemistry, break about based on dissimulator values.

Like most of life, there aren't good cookie cutter rules.
 Foodnmusicguy
Joined: 5/7/2014
Msg: 52
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:41:06 AM

And you can have chemistry between two people that will never get along in the longer term


AMEN to that !

I once dated a woman where the chemistry was off the charts but she had no tact and could not admit when she was wrong EVER !

So, chemsitry yes, treated me with respect not so much at times.

She'd often start a sentence with " No offence but .... "

Yeah, like that's some magic phrase like open sesame that allows you to say anything , LOL
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 53
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 11:59:17 AM
OP
Don't misunderstand me, this is my personal opinion and not meant specifically about you and your situation.
IMO, if you have to come to an internet forum and ask a bunch of (mostly well-meaning)strangers what to do about some factor of a relationship, I'm not sure we can call that "successful".
Again, not intending to disrespect or devalue asking for advice, seeking counseling,etc. But how often does anybody do that when things are going OK?
Have you considered telling your bf that you are going to a ballroom dance because you have someone willing to be your dance partner?
I would think that would be the epitome of being honest. Nobody can accuse you of doing anything underhanded.
Might it cause fireworks? I would think that might be highly likely.
If your current guy hates to dance or is not able to dance, twisting his arm isn't going to get you anything but a grudging and grumpy partner.
If he IS ok with you having another guy as a DANCE PARTNER-then I'd say you are golden.
But I also wonder if you aren't sending off a bit of a "dissatisfied" vibe that causes this dance-partner guy to keep going even though he's been told you have a bf?
I can't tell you what to do. Yes, I have seen relationships where there was little commonality between the 2 people.
whether or not they could all be deemed "successful" is hard to say.We each have our own definition of "successful".
Cindy O
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 54
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/7/2014 11:47:44 PM
It's very difficult because there are so many things besides dancing that are interests that we don't share. There are things we like to do together, but this is a really small town and there are limited things to do.

Now he wants me to go in half on a motor home. We would each pay half of the down payment, half the payment, and it would be in both of our names. This is because he loves to camp. I grew up in a big city and never camped in my life until I moved to Oregon. It's not my favorite thing to do, unless my grand kids are there. I can't even imagine going and setting up a tent in the middle of nowhere like he wants to do, and just sit there with nothing to do. I've asked if we could play cards or board games, and he isn't interested in learning any types of games. There is no way in hell I am ready to buy a motor home together at this point.

I actually enjoy the forums a lot and there are some very intelligent people here, you included Cindy O. I've been mostly reading and not posting in the forums for years, and for various reasons, I can't go to my friends to talk to about this problem. I'm afraid the forums might be hearing a lot about us, cause even though we love each other, sometimes love is not enough.

There is no way he would be okay with me having a regular dance partner, whether it's just dancing or not. I took him to the place I go and dance with my girl friends. My friends play in the bands. He stayed about 5 minutes and said the acoustics were terrible and it was a dive bar, and left. It's not like he doesn't like to drink, either.
 abroncs
Joined: 7/6/2014
Msg: 55
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/7/2014 11:52:49 PM
Clare BC, OP, you may want to try to talk this guy, your man, into doing the following activities together as a couple:

- have sex with each other
- share a meal in your home
- talk to each other once in a while
- say "hi" to each other when you bump into each other in the house
- use the same light switches to turn on the light
- share a dishwasher and a washing machine to cut down on expenses
- use the same entrance door to the house
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 56
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 10:06:42 AM
OP
Whatever else you may or may not do, I have to agree that putting significant monies into a big ticket item that you don't even want would be a BAD idea.

If he wants to camp so bad, let him buy his own motor home or tent-whatever. I enjoy camping and while I'n getting to where the tent thing has it's drawbacks, I don't like big-ass motor homes either.
However, that's a specific thing, as for your general lack of common interests/recreational&social pursuits, I can't say that I've ever had a relationship of any length or seriousness where we didn't share a lot of interests and activities,I'm not sure how that would even work for me.

Yes, sometimes love just ain't enough, but it does sound like you and he have a lot of caring for each other. Maybe what you have is a bit of a "7 year itch"? I mean BOTH of you-thus his idea of purchasing a motor home together,thinking that will give the 2 of you a shared interest? Except it doesn't sound like you are much interested in it.
Probably about all we can do here in the forums is to be a sounding board-there is not black& white/right or wrong answer.
But don't buy the motor home. The thing is, unless it's one of those brand new 6 figure jobbies, the damn things also require maintenance and repair.
Now I have seen standard sized vans-in fact I have owned a couple, that were converted into road trip/camping vehicles. However most of the camping I have done and still do is just part of a larger activity, NOT the sole purpose.
Anyway, I have seen regular vans or mildly oversized ones converted to motor homes-yep, some of them even have a little bathroom. That might be a workable compromise.Overall though, I think you may e coming to a crossroads in your relationship, and I'd hate to see your decision influenced -one way or the other !-by a financial factor that buying a motor home would represent.
Cindy O
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 57
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 7:33:31 PM
I would not mind buying a motor home with him at some point, and traveling around to see the country.

Right now, I am not sure we are going to last, even though we love each other. I don't want to be stuck with a motor home and a failed relationship. I've had enough failed relationships and they are very painful, even if you have nothing expensive to try to divide.

I worry that this will get deleted because they will call it a chat thread.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 58
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 9:21:03 PM

can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?


Yes.
Batman and The Joker, for example.


and you know , opposites attract?


Yes, but usually just until the novelty wears off. And then you want something more compatible for the long haul.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 59
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 7:10:52 AM
So if you don't like camping, stay in the motor home more and let him spend more time outside in the tent.

He only stayed in the dance club five minutes because the acoustics were bad? Did he try a different table? Maybe it would not sound so bad in the back?

The thing is, for a relationship to go forever, both of you have to be flexible... it sounds like the two of you are hardheaded. If that's the case, if you are inflexible, you might go through the same thing with the next person.

Why don't you two sit down, and make a list of as many things you can think of that you like to do... then compare lists and see how many things you really do have in common.

To have a happy relationship that lasts, both peeps must have a good attitude and be flexible and open-minded.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 60
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 7:47:23 AM

It's very difficult because there are so many things besides dancing that are interests that we don't share. There are things we like to do together, but this is a really small town and there are limited things to do.

Now he wants me to go in half on a motor home.


I find it odd to think of buying a motor home and camping in the wild in the same context. Setting up a tent in the middle of nowhere in NOT similar to having a motor home.

It's cheap enough to wilderness camp and you can do it with a car. Just drive to the nearest location to a trail, backpack in your tent and supplies. My brother drove to Alaska and lived in the wilderness for 6 months, he never owned a motor home.

While motor homes aren't roughing it, they are as the name implies, mobile homes. They usually get hooked up to AC and fittings for sewage dumping.

I am afraid neither one of you sound very similar in what you enjoy doing.
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 61
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 11:10:48 AM
He came up with the motor home idea when I told him I didn't want to sleep on the ground on an air mattress. I've done it before and it might be ok if we each had our own mattress. Actually I prefer not to camp at all, but seeing things I've never seen before and going to new places in a motor home (later on down the road sounds kinda fun. If he had his way, we would have sleeping bags on the river front right now.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 62
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 11:44:08 AM

He came up with the motor home idea when I told him I didn't want to sleep on the ground on an air mattress. I've done it before and it might be ok if we each had our own mattress


Surely investing in your own mattress would be more logical than going halfsies on a motor home with a guy who you have little or nothing in common with. But then again you 'prefer not to camp at all.' So never mind...;-)

I think you and your new 'dancing partner' have a better chance at long term happiness.

Good luck, OP< Get your happy feet on!
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 63
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 4:20:53 PM
Look scorpiohippychick … you posted this two weeks ago:
<div class="quote">There are good guys out there. I met mine here. We've not been together very long but so far, so good. He's 60 and I'm 61. We both have had relationships that didn't work out with other people we met here, but kept trying. We're hoping we're done fishing.

Then a couple days ago, you posted about your dancing partner.
<div class="quote">I've been with this guy for about 6 months. We have very little in common. When we first started dating, I told him I was not going to give up dancing even though he hates it...
I met someone tonight who loves to dance. We had a lot of fun this evening. I told him I had a bf. He said he wanted to get to know me anyway and gave me his phone number and email address. He asked me to go to this dance that the local ballroom dance clubs holds.

You follow up with posts about your apprehension re: going "joint" on a motor home.


Then TODAY you post
<div class="quote">What about when you date someone for 6 months hoping the sex will get better and you finally realize this is as good as it's going to get. It's the exact title. Dating, which has led to nothing but disappointing sex.

Face it.
You are just casting around for reasons to break up with camping boy, but you are not secure in feeling you can find a new someone.

You have to ask yourself:
Are you just staying with John Muir because of fear of being alone?

Is that suffucient reason to stay in an unsatisfying relationship?

 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 64
view profile
History
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 9:25:52 PM
Scorpio I get that you love him but you really do NOT sound happy. You know when I was younger I had that attitude that I loved someone, had invested x amount or whatever into the relationship, and that's a sure recipe for keeping something alive when it should have been allowed a natural demise. Two of the guys I dated after I split with my ex seemed great partially because they were very different from the ex but they were also not really the type of person I wanted to be with either.

If you want to stick things out, and it sounds like you are really wanting to at this point, let him buy the motor home. Then if things tank you aren't stuck with something that doesn't currently fit your lifestyle. I'm not sure from what you've said how much you've accommodated him beyond not doing things you like to do because he won't do them with you, so you may have some thinking to do there. And it is okay if you haven't accommodated and don't want to, that tells you something about how you feel. And seriously, read your comments about his going dancing with you. Five minutes, that isn't giving something a half-assed chance to have fun. He didn't want to go and nothing would have made him enjoy himself.

Only you can figure out whether there is enough there to salvage but realistically, I suspect that the relationship has become "work." And that really doesn't bode well long-term. First six months you should still be in the love bubble. Me, the camping, I'd prefer a motor home too but I like to read so he could go sit in his corner of the woods if he wanted to and I'd read in my temperature controlled motor home, lol.

And here's the thing. I spent most of 14 years doing things alone when I was married. At this point in my life I'm pretty much done with the 9 million football and baseball practices/games, choir, kid-oriented stuff that five years ago would have been nice to have had some company in the bleachers. I'm primarily a home body but recently I've attended a couple of birthday parties, anniversary parties, not huge groups of people so even someone who's somewhat shy could have attended and had fun. After spending so much time going to functions on my own, I really would not want someone in my life who wasn't up for doing things like that. If someone isn't making that kind of effort in the beginning even if it's somewhat out of his comfort zone, it's only going to continue going downhill.

And the other thing I would think about, it sounds like he's pushing for more of a permanent commitment than you are comfortable with. Where is the discomfort coming from and why do you feel that way? I think you know the answers to these questions and should act accordingly.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 65
view profile
History
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/10/2014 4:09:52 AM
You hooked up with camping dude to get over that other guy. Now dancing partner is waiting in the wings to replace camping dude. Dancing partner is also not going to be perfect.

Your choices in men will get better when you learn to be happy on your own.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 66
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/10/2014 9:38:32 AM
A relationship isn't about doing things together, it's about BEING together.

Honestly, you sound like you need more friends. If just sitting at home watching TV with him isn't enough, then you just might not be into him.
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 67
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/10/2014 10:49:29 AM

Scorpio I get that you love him but you really do NOT sound happy. You know when I was younger I had that attitude that I loved someone, had invested x amount or whatever into the relationship, and that's a sure recipe for keeping something alive when it should have been allowed a natural demise. Two of the guys I dated after I split with my ex seemed great partially because they were very different from the ex but they were also not really the type of person I wanted to be with either.

If you want to stick things out, and it sounds like you are really wanting to at this point, let him buy the motor home. Then if things tank you aren't stuck with something that doesn't currently fit your lifestyle. I'm not sure from what you've said how much you've accommodated him beyond not doing things you like to do because he won't do them with you, so you may have some thinking to do there. And it is okay if you haven't accommodated and don't want to, that tells you something about how you feel. And seriously, read your comments about his going dancing with you. Five minutes, that isn't giving something a half-assed chance to have fun. He didn't want to go and nothing would have made him enjoy himself.

Only you can figure out whether there is enough there to salvage but realistically, I suspect that the relationship has become "work." And that really doesn't bode well long-term. First six months you should still be in the love bubble. Me, the camping, I'd prefer a motor home too but I like to read so he could go sit in his corner of the woods if he wanted to and I'd read in my temperature controlled motor home, lol.

And here's the thing. I spent most of 14 years doing things alone when I was married. At this point in my life I'm pretty much done with the 9 million football and baseball practices/games, choir, kid-oriented stuff that five years ago would have been nice to have had some company in the bleachers. I'm primarily a home body but recently I've attended a couple of birthday parties, anniversary parties, not huge groups of people so even someone who's somewhat shy could have attended and had fun. After spending so much time going to functions on my own, I really would not want someone in my life who wasn't up for doing things like that. If someone isn't making that kind of effort in the beginning even if it's somewhat out of his comfort zone, it's only going to continue going downhill.

And the other thing I would think about, it sounds like he's pushing for more of a permanent commitment than you are comfortable with. Where is the discomfort coming from and why do you feel that way? I think you know the answers to these questions and should act accordingly.


Thank you for your very well thought reply. You gave me a lot to think about. This relationship IS work. I do want a permanent commitment, but not with the wrong person.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 68
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/12/2014 1:06:43 PM
I think common values are more important then common interests.

What good are two people that like golfing if they have different conflict resolution styles or differing views on intimacy, spending, etc.?

I think a shark fisherman and a homebody would be more compatible if they shared the above mentioned values. Furthermore, interests can be shared and learned from one another.

Learn values from each other? Probably not.

Food for thought...
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 69
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/13/2014 9:35:43 AM
clareb c- The key statement is that he knows how you feel and still isn't making an effort.
Do you want to spend more of your life living this way?
I couldn't do it.
Yes, time apart is healthy, but no time together ISN'T healthy.
Seven years together is worth one more effort to save things, so schedule a counseling appointment asap for both of you and go.
After you both go to counseling, if things don't change, you have a choice........stay and be miserable or leave and find someone you have more in common with and who cares about your feelings.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 70
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/13/2014 10:07:20 AM
I'll second what CT just said. There's no problem being a "football widow" if she has her own pursuits when he's gone. some time apart makes the heart grow fonder. but if they both golf, and one's a hot head loser and they disagree on how much to spend at the clubhouse...arguments are sure to follow.

we never learn values from another person (other than our parents, natch). We choose what we feel works for us, either in the short term or long term (likely our parents taught us what was more important, short term or long term victory).
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 71
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/19/2014 7:14:23 AM
I think common values are more important then common interests.


I think both are important. Whenever I tried dating a woman that had mostly different interests, it didn't go very far because there weren't many things that we could talk about or do together. In theory, it's possible to learn and become interested in new things. But it's also possible I can try something new and not like it.
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 72
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/22/2014 6:55:44 PM
Just an update. We broke up for about 2 weeks. It really came as a huge surprise to him when I said this relationship is too much work. But I really missed him and I felt terrible that he was hurting.

We're going to try again to find more things we can do together, and he says he will give me more space to do things with my friends. I was getting resentful because if he didn't want to do something, he wanted me to stay home with him too. If I didn't, it caused a problem. Let's see if any of this changes.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 73
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/22/2014 10:24:50 PM
^^^^^^^^^
Sounds like a case of connected vs not connected.

No right or wrong answer, but definitely not compatible IMHO.

I am not at all connected and my ex was VERY connected.

She was fun and I committed easily. This does not equal a sure thing.

I hope you two find happiness:)
 imokurok77
Joined: 6/2/2014
Msg: 75
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/25/2014 11:26:55 AM
I suspect this is about more than just 'do we both like Activity X', it's about values, goals, about different perceptions of independence/togetherness.

I am going through something very similar myself (though with a newer relationship). It is tough to truly care/respect someone but also recognize that perhaps the differences (in 'values', in relationship goals) between you and the other person are not likely not going to be able to be bridged without someone essentially giving in on things they've come to realize are very important to them.
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