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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?      Home login  
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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 1
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?Page 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I was talking to my friend the other night on the phone and these forums came up and suddenly a question came to me that seemed obvious, but I don't think has been asked here.

My question was, "Well, what is stopping us all from having successful relationships?!"

For me, I can't find anyone I'm attracted to in person (number 1 problem - and an obvious deal breaker for sure!). Alright, that's the basic problem to even finding a relationship. The last person I was attracted to we formed a relationship and found the attraction was there, but the compatibility really wasn't.

SO, I guess for me, what's stopping me from finding and having a successful relationship is finding someone I'm both attracted to and am compatible with (who obviously feels the same about me). I guess it's pretty basic. And when I find him, I'm not letting go of him!.....provided he doesn't want to let go of me....and that's not in my control, of course.....but I certainly can have the intention and remind myself constantly that I really want the relationship to work - and perhaps if he is in the same determined intention, then maybe it just will!

Obviously I've simplified this post to keep this short.....but on the phone the other night I was thinking much more of my negative attributes and how they might really be what's preventing me from having a successful relationship for a while now.

So, what's stopping you? And then what's really stopping you?

(edit to add - i'm pretty sure this thread will be deleted because it probably will seem senseless to most. sorry I did not work out the wording clearly before posting.)
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 2
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:33:11 PM
I can't find someone to which I am attracted .. and compatable with.. who wants to committ to a long term relationship. So for me there are 3 components.. to this answer..

And.. I will add this.. I am not willing to compromise.. I think any of us here can "find" someone.. to have someone.. but I want the whole Chimichanga.. Relationships are challenging from time to time in the best of circumstances.. I want to be in one with someone who I am so fond of that I accept things in him that I won't tolerate in others... that is what love is all about.

If I am gonna enter into the most character developing situation afforded to humankind.. then it has to be with someone that I am crazy about.. someone who I can not live without.. And those are few and far between.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 3
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:44:23 PM
STOPPING ME:
- I am not attracted to very many
- 95% of the entire world of single guys .. would be attracted to any gal that I would be attracted to. In that huge bunch there are many many guys that would be better for her (and I admit that - see below).

REALLY STOPPING ME:
- money. I’ve been self employed doing the same thing for 35 years. The manufacturing being shipped out of the USA has wrecked havoc on my income. My work is directly tied to manufactures that manufacture industrial products ....... there is very little left in the USA.

I have very little (very little) debt (only a small amount on this house nothing else - no loans no credit cards). I have enough income to take care of all of my needs ...... BUT ............ no one else’s needs and that includes FUN.

It takes money to have REAL FUN - travel and various other things.

SEE ABOVE: any gal that would get my attention - would have a 100 other guys “sniffing around”. Out of that 100 (or more) she could have more fun (money) with other guys.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 4
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:48:03 PM
Yes, Txsippigal (what a name!!)...this is exactly how I feel -

".....If I am gonna enter into the most character developing situation afforded to humankind.. then it has to be with someone that I am crazy about.. someone who I can not live without......"

and added as you did about someone who I can accept with all their faults like i've not been able to accept others'....and likewise you can hopefully accept me with all my faults too. 'cuz if there's one thing i've learned on this crazy merry go round of relationships - wanting it to work has just gotta be mutual. no matter how much one wants it to, it only will if both are crazy about each other and feel they can't live without the other (in a really healthy and purely from love way, and not distorted and co-dependent love either).

Edit to add so I don't end up with too many posts in a row or they'll start the counting and limiting me to so many out of 10 like they do with me (when others seem to post unlimited numbers!)

Ron - surely not all women these days, even the beautiful ones, believe money should come from the man, do they? And do you believe really fun things have to cost a lot of money? For me, the really fun things actually don't cost anything :) . I never had the money to take expensive holidays either, but my life has been so rich....and I believe being with the one I truly love doesn't need great vacations to keep the love alive....does it for you? Are you sure you're not projecting that belief onto everyone from what a few might have indicated?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 5
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:07:29 PM
Dam it, bacalao, now i don't know why either! (giggle) That's why I'm asking.

And virgogirl - yes, in fact i truly feel all relationships are successful for what they are, what they teach, what lessons we glean from them and what direction they point us in for further growth and learning even after they end. So of course it's all relative and open to interpretation of the words.

So, I guess I was thinking along the lines of my own wishes and thoughts that for those of us who are thinking another long term committed and very loving relationship is on the cards - that a truly great relationship and love is still in our vision and life path - what is stopping us from finding it and keeping it?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 6
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:23:57 PM
Attraction, compatibility, timing, common ground - and most of the time, enough interest in it to care.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 7
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:23:59 PM
Wait a minute Sans - you can't write that line and then slink off into the darkness again....in what way can your man possibly resemble a cat??!!
And, ahem, (clears throat....and again), some of us are 50 already! and it feels great actually.

Mr I - you ended your post,
"He is better off walking by and sleeping under the stars, dreaming of a love that makes sense."
awww....i really truly think the right love for each of us (at each time that we're ready for another relationship, so i don't believe there is only 'the one' at all)....but the 'right' one will share and be dreaming of a love that makes sense like you - could be the same dream. I am sorry you feel we are all so different - men from women, for truly not all men are the same (i do not know two that are the same at all ), and not all women are the same either. No one is as crazy as me, that i know. :)

and Sanguus - I think you misunderstood my word - I said I am attracted to (in England I would have used the term someone I really fancy). You interpreted that as someone who is 'considered attractive'.....and to me I think that is such an individual thing. What I am attracted to in my heart is not predictable and often such a uniquely personal thing.....and I think that is how everybody is, for it's rare girlfriends of mine and I will agree on a man's beauty. We all have our own tastes....really.....talking about reality now, not hollywood fantasyville.
 Witchypoo
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 8
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:24:54 PM
How about the fact that I don't really want a relationship, just a steady booty call. Does that count??? And yes, I do have that booty call and for the most part it's very successful.

:))
Witchy
 Karrpilot
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 9
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:25:16 PM
I am having a hard enough time getting a lady into the co-pilot's seat of the plane. Let alone make it to the relationship stage.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 10
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:39:09 PM
In the past, I have made very bad choices when it came to partners. I spent years as a care giver/enabler/co-dependent. I was going to fix these broken men that I seemed to have an affinity for finding. After my last divorce, I spent almost 3 years coming to grips with why I was constantly falling for these bad boy types. It took a lot of self-reflection and introspection to finally admit why I had such bad taste in men. It took even more time and effort to overcome the feeling of 'needing' a man in my life to make me happy or feel complete, to realize that I no longer wanted to fix broken men, that I am worthy of a good-hearted man and a loving, healthy relationship.

I am in such a relationship now. He is a wonderful man who treats me beautifully. We are equals, best friends and considerate, affectionate lovers. We laugh and talk and plan and dream together. A relationship such as this was well worth the wait. And I met him through POF.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 11
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:40:04 PM
I don't have a set type when it comes to looks. I do have some set expectations such as charactor so my excuse... er... ah, I mean the reason for not having a successful relationship is that I have not found a willing participant.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 12
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:49:30 PM
Awww....ForumFilly, thank you. Your post shares so personally that what was stopping you is not stopping you any more. Well done girl!!!

And Kimbo, yes, perhaps you're right that one can only tell if something is successful after the fact....but I hope not, for otherwise wouldn't one miss the absolute joy and love and beauty of the present if you could only see it by looking back from the future?
That sentence might not make sense, but I'm trying to say I really hope in those moments of bliss that I am conscious enough to realize them right then.
And with that realization, I would have my awareness of 'success' ....of perfection....even if only a moment of it...for that is all we really have...this moment, and then this moment, and then this moment.....and for real success - that those moments would steer the course through the moments of imperfection and challenge and frustration and disagreement....

I totally agree having both feet by both people at the same time in the same circle is essential. And they are both trying to stay there, even when they might lose their balance....that they can help to balance each other and help pull each other back if one has fallen out.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 13
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:29:30 PM
With me I think they are: Communication, not knowing them long enough before getting into a relationship with them..

I have the habit of getting into a relationship with a guy less then a month of knowing him. What little i know of them at the time is stuff that make me like them so i get in a relationship with them... without knowing there flaws, values and stuff.. which in the end makes the relationship not work.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 14
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:37:42 PM
come on sans, the reality is that you want a man that is litter trained! well, have i gotta cat for you. my "norman" even knows how to set the clock radio so that you leap out of your skin every evening at five to mexican music suddenly coming out of nowheres. my mexican friends think it's hysterical. it took me several weeks to figure out how to undo it and would you believe, he did it again! just like a man, eh? stubborn... but very cute. just wish he were into jazz.

so let's face it older people. a lot has to do with hormones. modern medicine is just beginning to deal with hormone replacement for men. i wonder if i gave up estrogen replacement if my strong attractions would die off? then, add to that, the fact that people romanticize the non sexual aspects of relationships from the point of view of their own wants. what about just loving a person for who they are and leave it at that?

in my current relationship (2 1/2 years), there are many ups and downs and very practical everyday issues. he is way less of a risk taker, needs lone time, etc. etc. but i can only answer for me. so, i "say" i want to "share" and i do with most things material. but in my living space, i need to have asthetics and a good half of the decision making regarding how i want to live. i cannot live on someone else's auto pilot. i am only willing to go 50-50, but that takes "communication skills" which is not at the top of generalized male attributes.

so now, with someone who has been set in their ways for years and years and who doesn't like change, i have to deal with having a relationship while living apart. that does not fit my original expectations, but it gives him lone time and coping time. he can ask his male buddies how to handle me, etc. etc.

so, if that is so, why am i in it? why not look to meet my dreams and my "supposed" expectations?

for me, i too have had kids in my fifties, although last one moving out in a couple of months. i have lymes disease which scares some people, so i tell it right off as i don't want to waste my own time. but probably the biggest issue is like you sans, i 'm a pretty big personality in person. we've talked on the phone and i know that you just radiate energy. i do in my own way. before lymes, i was the talk of the town quite often. nothing would stop me then.

now, older and tired, men are attracted to the dancer in me, or the kind part or the touchy feelie part--but few can keep up with my mind and my convictions. few know how and are willing to communicate. women have more words, so it takes a special man. even less can understand when out of nowheres, i get a lymes attack and i just have to stop and rest or not do something or deal with physical pain. compared to who i was, it is quite a leap for me. others say, i have more energy than some of the well people they know. but the reality is, i'm unpredictable, unless i pace myself and keep my energy low all the time. that is just against my nature.

my man is very different from me. he's an introvert. he never wanted kids. he was raised in the south (me, i'm a brooklyn jewish girl), he was a hippie while i was fighting the southern challenges in the chicago riots on a more serious note. if i had been a hippie, my parents would have crucified me. i was an exec, a fighter, and most of my time now is spent fighting racism and foster care issues--that is when i am not exhausted by the lymes and the stress. my man is in construction and went to help out louisiana in the floods. he is there for my kids more than most who "like" kids.

so he puts up with me and i put up with him. there is an exchange of meeting "wants" to a degree, but i think despite ourselves and our differences, we have a sort of respect for one another --but also a fear of each other's weaknesses--that one of us could take the other down. kind of wierd, because thus far it's been the exact opposite.

if i had a man more like me in a "succesful" relationship, would we be fighting over the solution to problems that we both share? my man and i have different problems-- so we disagree a lot. but it really doesn't matter because we are not emotionally invested in our disagreements, however annoying. would we balance each other better if we were more a perfect couple? if i did live with someone at this juncture 24/7, would i be able to give it my all or would i be less "attractive" on demand without rest. would i be able to hide and to chill? on the other hand, when the kid moves out--will i be lonely and do i really like sleeping alone 5 (lately 6) of the seven days per week.

all i know is that for me, there is no perfect solution. if i were to wait for a perfect solution, my needs that are being met now, would not be met at all. i would be sleeping alone 7 out of 7 days per week. so, i am willing to risk imperfection, but not to risk being alone forever as a very strong possiblity. i've done it. i'm a strong woman and can care for myself financially. but not emotionally. not physcially in the man/woman sense. so, i leave it to HP (above) to slowly inform me over time as to whether or not i've been successful.

as said above, what is succesful? what is reality is an even more important question to me and can i accept it or leave my head up my butt and not see what is around me?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 15
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:47:49 PM
yeah, kipa mai, you're probably right about statistical improbability :) ....actually, if you read the whole thread (and it's not very long), you'll see I agree with you that each relationship we have is successful....but it's explained more in the thread because another asked that same question....
and the other part of your post is also answered, um, mostly in my post a few up from yours about what i think i'm looking for.

by the way, Sanguus, your post with your incorrect projection onto my words, i just realized, you never answered the question of this thread at all....so what's stopping you from having what you consider a successful relationship?

okey dokey, gotta go to work now. i look forward to reading the ones i've missed when i get back! (especially the two right above me)
 seeker19561975
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 16
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:01:39 PM
There are plenty of men like me that are very willing to work on a relationship.

There are also (at least) five factors that need to be in a long term relationship in order for it to succeed. Without all of them, eventually the relationship will fall apart. They are:

Friendship
Emotional compatibility (the emotional rush)
Physical compatibility (the physical rush...yes, these are two SEPERATE things!)
Common values
Shared spiritual perspectives/goals

You can have less significant relationships and get some of these fulfilled outside of it, but I'm talking about a relationship where you are complete in and of yourself and your mate is complete in themselves, and the two of you join together and create something that is greater than the sum of it's parts.

My two cents worth (if that)...
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 17
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:14:58 PM
Don't think I can answer that..in order to be successful in one..you have to have one first?..lol..

Right now, I'd settle for just someone I enjoy being with to date...

After all my mistakes of the past..the funny thing is, I think at this time in my life I am more capable of having a successful relationship..and now it seems so much more elusive?

Bad timing, as usual...lol...
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 18
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:25:24 PM
I've had discussions about this before (not talking online here).

Mathematics my friends....

Just think about everything you do and where you go every single day...and every little decision you make.

So to meet "the one"...what are the odds of:

Both of you have to be at the same place at the same time in order to meet
Both of you have to be attracted to one another
Both of you have to be available (single, etc.)
One of you has to go communicate with the other
Etc, etc.
 The Black wolf
Joined: 4/7/2008
Msg: 19
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:10:19 PM
The problem is this a lot of people still hold on to there old baggage and who have been hurt to many time's so when they come to a dating site they exspect to hope to find some one to be with but also when it comes to the moment when they decide to meet one get's cold feet and run's that has happend to me a lot on thease sites .

And what's stoping people from realy going out and having a good time and realy getting to know some one is there past they hold on to it as a shield and dose not let any one in and it's sad because most people with kids have the toughest time finding some one because there are people who dont want to asept it or if the person is not weathy enough or set with a home ,car ect they dont want to know you or even if the person should have a disabilty or has physical issues its a problem .thats what i see i have to say i have closed my account seval times on here i got tired of the drama,lie's and the head games people play and whats stoping me from meeting some one is one reason i dont want to get my hopes up and have some one tell me there interested in me and then tell me there not ready thats the key.

iam not afraied to talk to any one by all means but i am not perfect no will i ever be and i do know there is one out there some where who feels as i do.

but also i will not give up i was introduced to another site just say hi and i noticed people where friendly there i mean if u would write to them some will return your letter its like wow and i met a few good people there that can understand and not judgemental,ect

but im sorry if im carring on here but sense the time i became a member here on pof not to offten do i ever have any one say hi to me or say how was my day but on the other site its differnt why is that?
 SCUDRUNN3R
Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 20
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:09:25 AM
Constantly moving country probably!
I'm a right Jippo.

That and I don't like it when people seem to change over time... however that's what happens when you live with someone 24/7!!

I need a break from this stuff... who the hell am 'I'!!?!?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 21
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:41:41 AM
mess. 35 serenity - thank you for your post. it really helps balance all those posts we see on the forums about settling/not settling. your post shows us the perspective that it is not an issue of one or other other, but of seeing the positive in the relationship you have, rather than seeing it as not your ideal relationship or person.

very illuminating and inspiring.

and tinydancer - i read your post and thought two things. first i thought, "no wonder", but i also thought the men i have always grown close to were really emotional people....so i never believed that 'illusion' that men are not as emotional as women, or as 'good' at communicating......

and then of course the captain and life of leisure here in mess 52 and 53 really confirmed something i've been thinking for some time.....again by seeing the tone of so many posts on these forums and also probably going back to my own parents and their relationship....and my own relationships for of course i suffer from this too....

and that is the issue of superiority/inferiority between not only the sexes, but between people in general. it seems we have become so judgemental, so believing that our opinions and beliefs are the 'right' ones, which means others' must be wrong.....and we are very good at defending our beliefs to death sometimes (wars, crucifixions, etc.).

i have seen this attitude operate in my relationships - a marriage that seemed to see me as inferior (was it him or my own internal mechanism creating that feeling- who knows, truly?...perhaps a bit of both)....and my last relationship - despite so much work on my self, forgiveness, awareness of karma, of ego, of truth.....

and it was all challenged right to the core of both of us -

and it came down to our inability to stop our own ego's long enough to really hear the other's truth and see us as one, not as two seperate people.....which of course we are, technically, but it seems truly for me and my relationships (all my relationships, including my children even)- whenever I am in a place of suffering, inevitably the other person is also in that same place of suffering.

And so I believe as long as we continue to choose to see us as seperate from each other, which obviously comes into this idea of superiority/inferiority, right/wrong, loving/unloving, emotional/unemotional, communicative/uncommunicative/ me/him, us/them......all beliefs based on these attitudes I think are the reason so many relationships break down....or never even become relationships to begin with.

And, life of leisure - I also understand the ideas behind your post. Everyone I think needs their psychic space.....I certainly do....and yet my last relationship suffered because I was talking too much, processing the huge changes in my life too much externally to him instead of internally, as I would normally do in my own life and own space.....I also wondered if our coming off this site and the forums had something to do with the problem, for I did not have this avenue for talking to others, so all talking and processing was limited to doing it within the relationship.....and it drove us both crazy, basically.

Ok, thanks you guys - it's been enlightening for me, anyway, to see what's prevented my relationships from really working.....as well as the 'big' relationship we all have with each other as being part of humanity.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:48:16 AM
Um, myself? I think I am the reason as to why I can't have a successful relationship. I've met people. But I don't know. I move very slowly, and I am afraid of being hurt. It takes me time to warm up and to trust someone. And the men I meet lack the patients or something. I give off vibes of "not liking someone" even if I do. I am distant. I am not touchy feely or all over someone. I don't even like kissing right away. I am just, not "easy" and rather complicated, and I guess nobody "gets me" it would be nice to have someone who I could click with who could be very understanding of me, and my... issues. I don't know, I guess I am who I am, but it holds me back.

Boy, I saw a LOT of myself in that post. I agree that when I DO meet someone I like, I tend to be so understated (aside from verbal interest) that they aren't convinced I am really into them. Hmmm....

Understand that we love you -- but we don't want to talk about it. Not right now. You don't want us to beat you over the head with clubs. That's fair. We don't want to talk. This is exactly the same thing. Reticence is not a defect of the male character. It's a strength!

- from Rich Zubaty's book Surviving the Feminization of America

I'd love for the men I meet and/or date to read this book - apparently they didn't get the memo they shouldn't want to talk; that'd be refreshing. Most of em talk more than I do, and about emotionally charged topics I don't have interest in responding to - usually their problems (or wanting to know mine). Either something's wrong with them, or the fact that I don't want to talk makes them feel compelled to?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 23
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:41:57 AM
^^I think so too....in a way I see it as my sensing another great love is on my path this lifetime...but I'm aware it's probably not going to come in the form I imagine, or when I imagine......nor is it going to be what I imagine either :) .....

I think your last thoughts are part of the great mystery of just how powerful can our thoughts and intentions really be? And do those very thoughts come as messages from the ether, or do our thoughts send the messages into the ether....to manifest when and how they are meant to?.....Hmmm, one of life's mysteries for sure and perhaps that's what keeps us all here, writing about it, talking about it, something in all of us gave us this impulse to join this site.

It is that impulse, sometimes unconscious of why exactly we did it, that I think is what forms this natural bond here (and for those who are presently single, especially, addressing this thread.....and please know i am really content in my singledom - it's the coupledom that throws me off balance! :) So, why am I here if I know this?

Because I believe romantic relationships that are truly compatible on all the levels of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual are the greatest tool we have for raising our levels of consciousness and love for ourselves and each other. What holds us back? Truly I suspect it's fear, as some have said here....and disillusionment with love, which makes me very sad.....for many wise ones say we are love, truly to the depths of our being that is what and who we are and I just wish we had not been all so brainwashed to believe our love for ourselves or each other has been 'damaged' through our painful experiences, for I don't think it really can be - I think love is our rock - the only real rock, actually.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 24
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:59:35 AM
Fear.

We get in our own way a lot. LOL, arguably we are standing in our own way more than we're not.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 25
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What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:22:44 AM
^^meaning we have to step aside to let Us through?

one point about fear - some say unless it is life threatening and our fight or flight response is activated, all other fears are imagined and not real.....just goes to show just how powerful our imaginations really are! i think often we create much of our lives based on our imagination...which extends into expectations, projections and fear of loss....all that destructive stuff......thankfully we are just as capable of creating positive outcomes too!
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