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Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 1
Little Fish...Big PondPage 1 of 1    
I am very new to any dating at all, much less internet dating and I am starting to see what a thin skin I have when it comes to this. In my life, I am the fun girl, the one everyone wants to know. I am successful and talented. I am funny. I never worry about whether people like me or not. I am confident and easy to get along with. I am used to people establishing an opinion of me based on my smile, my demeanor, my handshake, my laugh, how I carry myself. While I have never considered myself beautiful, I do think I am attractive.

But's different. I am a picture and some words. It's scary! I have reached out to a couple of people and nothing. So I start second guessing myself and I'm resisting just yanking my profile off! Honestly, I can see that I probably am one of those girls with "a great personality" so maybe internet dating isn't for me and I should stick with more traditional methods of meeting people so they get the whole picture. And I know the weight thing has been done to death so i won't go on too much about it, but I do think it's unbelieveable that a girl can be anywhere from 3' to 8' tall and make less than $25,000 a year as long as she's thin, fit, athletic. I feel like a little fish in a very big pond. Sorry - I'm just having a minor freak out here so thanks for bearing with me.

Did any of you feel this way when you first started this? How is it for you now?
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 2
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/5/2008 10:56:42 PM
Hi. It's so different meeting people through a website vs in person. Don't take it personally when someone doesn't respond. Sometimes it just means they haven't logged on in a while. It's also the diplomatic way to say no thanks. You have access to lots of profiles here and will surely meet someone nice. I've found over the years too that whether thin or "thick", there are people who are into your type. Good luck, girlfriend!
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 3
Separated Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:03:41 PM
Yes, I felt a lot of the things you describe. But I stuck it out and met a lot of great people online. Granted, POF has not been my best experience. I met a lot more people through the pay sites. I posted a thread in the Testimonials section called "After 18 months..." where I go into details about pros and cons.

I went out with someone who told me on the first date that she preferred guys who were bigger than she was LOL because it made her feel more secure. I happily accepted that point of view. There's a lot of rejection and you have to get used to it.

I will say, however, that your profile says "separated" and that is going to work against you on a dating site. Perhaps your issue is more about straightening out that aspect of your life before you start looking. A lot of people are going to pass you up when they see that is not resolved.
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 4
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Separated Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:51:40 AM
I think you have to keep in mind that this is a dating site and yes, people are judging you by your photos and a couple lines of text. For me personally, I know for a fact that I get a much better response from women when I meet them face to face. This happens to me on a daily basis. Unfortunately I don't have time to stop and chat with anyone during the day and that's why I turned to POF. Just be patient and get used to feelings of rejection. It happens to the best of us.
 Lola and Her Honey
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 5
Separated Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:04:00 AM
Rejection happens to everyone on dating sites (and in the real world) and if you’re the type of person who takes that personally and to heart, you will not have a pleasant experience here.

You WILL be judged on very superficial things like your appearance and your weight, but you have to ask yourself if you really CARE if someone is dismissing you based solely on those attributes? Are those the type of people you want in your life? I think not.

 Adam Taylor
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 6
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Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:57:28 AM
*Huggles jussbecause*

Welcome to the pond. Enjoy your time with the fishies... ignore the sharks... LOL!

Internet dating isn't this scary mysterious thing. It's not all that much different from the bar scene really. A lot of people will go after others on nothing more than appearance.

But the good ones are out there. And they will read a person's profile, and judge based on that wether or not they want to get to know the person.
I've contacted plenty of ladies here myself who didn't even have profile pictures. Because it's what they say that caught my attention.

It's who someone is that counts, not what they look like.
And someone you'll want to be with, is going to know this... and won't care about your pictures... they'll read what you have written about yourself, and decide on that.

That's why the Profile Review forum section can be a great help. People there will help you fine tune just what you have written.

Another great way of really getting to know someone... is the forums.
People can write all sorts of things about themselves in their profiles... but their true nature is clearly shown in the things they have to say, and the opinions they share.

Just relax, make friends, and in time, you'll find someone special.

Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 7
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:03:27 AM
Hi Jussbecause

You know everyone has there issues here. Stay within your comfort zone and don't let anyone tell you different. Meaning don't do anything you would not do in real life just to get a date.

When I am feeling like I have had enough I just stop dating and have fun in the forums. This is really an entertaining place. I have been stood up more times then you could ever imagine, double digits. It is all part of the game. You just can't give up that is the trick. I have met some wonderful men here that I would not have met otherwise.

Just keep that smile on your face and all will be good.

Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 8
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:50:20 PM

I have been stood up more times then you could ever imagine, double digits.
Wow! Sorry to hear that ~charmed~. Only got stood up once from someone I met online (it has happened a few times in real life when I was much younger). The woman who stood me up last year was flakin' pretty bad when we tried to set up the date be email, so I wasn't so surprised or disappointed. My gut was telling me she was a flake, so I learned to trust my gut. Plus, I got to discover a new place for coffee in Montreal.

I have the following process:

mail -> phone -> meeting

A couple of times we bypassed the phone part (some people can be pretty expressive in their emails, and I think substance shows up there...)

Could you have predicted the stand-ups you got? Perhaps that is what you meant by "not doing anything you would not do in real life to get a date..."?
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 9
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:57:09 PM
You think you get a sense of someone and they just surprise you. I don't let it bother me ... it is not just on line but in real life when I was younger.

The statement was not for anyone to feel for me... just so that she would know everything happens to everyone. No sorry needed...

I do the basic same process as you. It is common sense to do it that way.
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 10
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 1:15:11 PM
Thanks for the support, you guys. I'm hanging in there. It's just that *confession* I haven't had to do this for a really long time. I met my soon-to-be-ex when I was 13, married at 18 and we separated in Jan - I'm 36! So I'm experiencing all of the stuff that I think most people did when they were in their early 20's. That's OK, I'm getting through it. It's as exciting as it is scary.
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 11
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:01:12 PM
Invest the time and energy into your photos...they are probably what will initially get someone's attention. Try doing a photo shoot where you pick out a few different outfits and do different poses in each...honestly - it sounds stupid but it is fun. Try to have different looks...casual, elegant, sexy, sporty, whatever - just make sure your personality comes through.

Some people have pictures of themselves doing things they enjoy. This will also give people an idea of your personality.

We really have become a culture that relies on images. Think of your profile as an ad for you...look at ads in magazines and what catches your eye? What do you think will catch the eye of the kind of guy you want? Start with that and go from there.

A good picture is probably the best investment in time and effort you can make when it comes to this stuff.
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 12
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:36:05 PM
I think i will do a photo shoot with my Speedo

Invest the time and energy into your photos...they are probably what will initially get someone's attention.
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 13
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:53:19 PM
Wonderful idea... just let us know when you post the pictures....
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 14
Separated Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:20:08 PM
Lola and H..

I am going to go out on a limb here since what I am going to argue is certainly not politically correct and most likely will be defined as superficial and shallow. That said...I'll take my lumps and move on here.

[Quote]You WILL be judged on very superficial things like your appearance and your weight, but you have to ask yourself if you really CARE if someone is dismissing you based solely on those attributes? [/Quote]

ABSOLUTELY. Do I expect that people will judge me based off my appearance and weight? Heck yeah...and there is NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, I would prefer it. Why....because I believe that a healthy, mind body and soul starts with a healthy mind, but doesn't end there. The healthy body is just as important as the mind and soul.

This country is drowning in unhealthy people who treat there bodies like dumpsters...not temples. Should the OP care that people are dismissing her based off of her physical appearance. YES. Why...because they are sending her a clear message. One that some among us don't want to hear. Its this simple....I do not respect people who do not respect themselves. People who respect themselves maintain an active lifestyle and healthy diet, because....its the smart thing to do. (See heart disease...number one killer in the US) So if you smoke, indulge in illegal or harmful drugs, drink to excess, and/or eat to excess, then you are making poor decisions, the signs of which can be seen in the physical body. Ever seen a Meth addict's teeth or heard what excess alcohol does to the liver. Bad decisions show signs of lack of understanding and a decent level of self awareness that is critical to a healthy mind, body and soul. Should the OP be concerned that people are seeing she is 5'8" and thinking that matters....NO, because her value as a self respecting, self aware person is not remotely relevant to her height. However, does "A Few Extra Pounds" say something about her self respect and self awareness. You tell me. there something wrong with you for feeling rejected. Only you can know that, but since you actively acknowledged the weight issue in the original post, you are clearly cognizant of the reality you live in. Want people to like you for "You". No problem...thats fair. Want to not be judge by the cover of "your book". Bad call! There are pictures on this site for a reason...because marketing yourself to others without them is nearly meaningless and that is because looks and health DO matter.

I open the floor to the masses...pun intended...Explain the error of my logic.

Don't hate the messenger...hate the message :-)
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 15
Separated Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:16:04 AM
Start growing that skin fast. It is brutal here. Remember everyone is smart and beautiful behind the computer. I love the girls and the men are comical. Sounds like you are catching on very fast. I am a toothpick with t1ts so keep both your chins up.
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 16
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:13:58 AM
Hi, Chris -

Well...thank you... for your honesty. Clearly you are passionate about your viewpoint and I respect that. If I could just clear up one thing?

It has never been my intention to force myself on anyone. If guys do not want to date bigger girls than that is certainly their perogative. I am not a crusader out to say that people who don't date big people are shallow, superficial jerks. I absolutely do not believe that. I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with judging people based on appearance. We all have a right to set a standard for our mates. I have my own list of deal breakers. We have to, right? The only reason I brought it up in my original post is because I think it is really funny that in the section of your profile where you choose qualities you want in a mate, I have seen guys choose "any" for things like height, income, education, smoking, drinking, but on body type, they select "slender, athletic, fit". I just found that ironic, that's all.

And in case I was unclear, in my post I was simply feeling vulnerable about being in a forum where I am limited in how I can present myself. I'm not an idiot, of course I knew that was the deal for internet dating, but I am learning how to accept that. Maybe you are an expert at anything you try as soon as you try it, but I am OK saying, "this is new for me, this is scary". When people pass my up online, it could be my weight, it could be they don't like my nose, my hair, something in my profile, I don't know.

As I said, I appreciate your candidness about your views. The only part I felt a little pang at was this - "I do not respect people who do not respect themselves. People who respect themselves maintain an active lifestyle and healthy diet," - and only because of this: I do have a great deal of respect for myself. Your opinion that people with weight issues do not have and are not deserving of respect is a little...sad. While I do not make excuses for myself, I will say that you don't know the circumstances of my life which brought me here. Do I believe I could do better? Of course! It is hard for me to believe that you would be able to find anyone that doesn't have some vice, and mine happens to have a physical manifestation. Even after I lose weight, there will be something about me that not every guy will be attracted to.

I'm sorry to go on about it, as I said before the weight thing has been done to death and another post about it is the last thing any of us need. I guess that's why I felt the need to respond, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I was whining about no-one liking me because of my weight. I wish you the best of luck in your search!
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 17
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:59:22 AM
I agree with a lot of what Chris said about the concrete reasons why judging someone's weight is NOT superficial, especially if I'm looking for a long-term partner. Health problems, poor self-esteem and incompatible activity levels have been issues for me with past partners who were not in shape. I do have more respect for a partner if she takes care of herself (diet and exercise), but I would not say I don't have respect people who are overweight. The reasons for pandemic obesity in a society go deeper than the individuals' lack of discipline or bad choices.

I found the heated discussions about the new field "do you own a car?" to be curious and indicative of the problem. Reliance on cars is one of the reasons people are overweight in North America! Rent the movie "Supersize Me" and it will become clearer how little people walk because of their cars. This is not to say it's their fault always, which is why I think we can't be disrespectful.

As jussbecause pointed out, nobody's perfect. Passing judgment about a potential spouse (whom we seek for a long-term relationship) is not the same as passing judgment about people in society in general. That is, I believe we should respect people in society even if they don't measure up to bar we set for a future spouse.

We should all chill out and stop feeling threatened by someone else's "spousal standards". Different strokes for different folks. If we don't set the bar higher than the norm of society, then how do we expect to make a relationship last or attain goals? I surely can't be the only one who thinks this way...
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 18
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:51:36 PM

I'm not certain that I see the irony that you are pointing out regarding the profile options. I can understand why a male would be less inclined to be concerned with height, income, consumption of alcohol and cigarettes, and education. Actually, I don't comprehend the education thing, but the rest makes sense to me. If a male...present company excluded is primarily focused on physical appearance as a key attribute, then most of these other items are of little consequence.

I get the idea that you wanted to clear up some of the misconceptions I may have about you via my post. Although you are the topic of discussion, which makes it your concern, clearly, I really was replying to the Lola guy's comments. I tend to have problems when people feel that its more important to generalize about the nature of what is right or wrong, instead of taking on a specific topic at hand. It was not my intention to offend or irritate you, just counter the innate assessment that image and looks are not relevant. Sorry you got caught up in the rant.

Since you took the time to expound on your original post and goals...I think I may take a second to address your issue of respect. All human beings should and indeed must be afforded a certain level of respect, no matter who they are or how distasteful they may seem to you or me. This is civility. To that end, I believe in treating people kindly, honestly, and with the respect of one stranger to another. Now, that said, I still feel that my point is a legitimate one. When people allow their individual it food, inactivity, or POF forum posting to get out of balance with a healthy lifestyle, then they are communicating a certain lack of self respect and self awareness that comes from making bad decisions. If I spend to many hours on this site pounding out long winded posts to forums, to the detriment of my health, then I am not respecting my time and health. And in that degree, it is reasonable for others to do the same. When I say that I do not respect people who allow themselves to exceed their BMI rates by a large degree, then I am referring to the issue at point...not the person in general. My father is at least 70lbs over weight. I don't like this because it places him at high risk of Diabetes and Heart Disease, but this does not mean that I do not respect the man at large....Pun intended. The same can be extrapolated from my previous post. I do not know you, so it is impossible for me to formulate an opinion on you beyond your fluid communication style. My respect for you as a writer and as a stranger is just a level that anyone deserves as a human being, with a healthy dose of civility.

To your point, people may or may not like you due to any issue, weight, nose, ears, or straightness of your hair. Worrying about that is wasted time. However, worrying about your health and physical condition is not. Not because people may like you more....but because you WILL be happier and more important healthier. Both of which are a win/win situation.

Best wishes with your personal growth.
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 19
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Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/8/2008 12:43:11 AM

Did any of you feel this way when you first started this? How is it for you now?

I'd like to add my two cents to this topic...

Firstly, welcome to the forum and on-line dating.

Secondly, I have read all posts and the one thing which stands out is the issue of health and weight. Yes, society as a whole has become very much over-weight and unhealthy in the last few decades. Has this had an impact on how men look at over-weight women and dating? No. There are still men who choose the Barbie look-a-likes and there are still men who choose women with a little extra padding.

Do photos on profile make a difference? Yes. It's called chemistry. Visually a person knows what they like/dislike in a person. The color of the eyes, the placement or size of the nose and lips. Even the length or color of the hair.

Does having a detailed description of who you are and what you are looking for on your profile help? Yes. Again it is called chemistry. The style of a persons writing says a great deal about them. And yes, we each have our own style from using certain phrases to gramatical errors.

*I know I have my own style of writin when I'm not bein professional ;0)

The point is, be yourself, try not to stress, and just give it time. I believe the old saying is "Rome wasn't built in a day" so try not to have to many expectations. There are a lot of jerks out there, BUT there are a few decent men as well.

For you Juss in regaurds to your post, take a deep breath and just take it one day at a time....

Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 20
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:48:15 AM
OP, the other side of the coin is my experience: I showed up, contacted a few people and then waded through the initial flurry of interested women who couldn't read profiles (HUGE turn-off). What they were looking for, I'm not sure, although I have my suspicions. The next phase was "interesting conversations that fade out". Then at last, you have nothing -- like looking across an empty patch of sky where lie only burned-out stars.

I think you've found us guys out -- we don't care how much money you make, but we do want you to look good to us. To be fair, women make it much harder. The man must either 1) look like a movie star or a bodybuilder 2) make mad cash, 3) have power, or 4) have massive talent. Some guys can be "better than average" in several of these categories, but even then the odds are skewed against them. The only surefire way to get female attention is to excel in more than one of those categories.

For guys, being in shape is just the beginning.
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 21
Little Fish...Big Pond
Posted: 6/8/2008 10:22:27 AM
My experience is that 99% of the people on here have totally unrealistic expectations.
Just because you can fill out what you want in someone doesn't mean they will even read it or that if they do that the feelings will be mutual.
Case in point, I think you sound really nice and would write you if you lived closer. However, I'm 31 and smoke so I wouldn't even be able to send you a message if I wanted.
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