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 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 2
SettlingPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I don't know many women in their 30s who just "wound up" single and desperately wanting a fairy tale marriage. Most either had a long-term relationship that ended, a demanding career or bad experiences that made them pull out of the dating game for a while, sometimes a long while.

Though I'm sure Ms. Gottleib was very proud to get 500 words or so printed in the times, no 30 year old woman alive in this century sat around refusing suiters like her life was a Jane Austen novel for 18 years in a row because they were "choosy"; that's just not real life.

 Forum.Skulker
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 3
Settling
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:00:11 PM
I'm borrowing this from another user (can't remember the thread...) Settling is a sin! Enough said.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 4
Settling
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:05:16 PM
No doubt. I can force myself to eat a salad, even though I don't want one, because it's good for me. I can drag myself to the gym for the same reason, even though I don't think it's fun.

But how am I supposed to make conversation with a loser for 20 years in a row, and how is it good for me? If someone can prove that it lowers my chances of cancer, I might ---might-- try it.
 Blithe_Spirit
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 5
Settling
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:08:13 PM
*BLINKS*

In what parallel universe is a 9/10 considered a loser?
 thorvin
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 6
Settling
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:25:54 PM
i could care less about whether or not women are being to picky. there are so many out there and all for me to taste!
 Karrpilot
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 7
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:24:01 AM
I have dated women in their 30's, 40's, and yes, even 50's who were single and never married. Various reasons why. They did not want to settle for a looser, some did not want children, career demands, bad prior relationships, you name it. I myself was working too many hours and never home. Not enough time to date, let alone get to know somone. Now that i switched jobs, i have the time, but i do not have the money. Go figure, eh ? Although at least i have not run into any women fresh out of prison or a convent after 20 years. But stay tuned, that might be next in line for me.
 DeeWantsDumb
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 8
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:44:12 AM
I agree...The way I see it I had 2 bad ones. A 2/10 and a 5/10. If I could ever get a 9/10 I might be dumb enough to try that whole marriage crap again.

9 would mean teeth and a job right?
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 9
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 6:04:42 AM
how would a man feel if he discovered that the woman he built his life around considered him less than what she felt she deserved? that she entered a life with him only because she feared a life alone? how awful for both parties!

it neither serves nor honors nor respects anyone if we decide to spend the rest of our lives with a person who doesn't make our blood roar and our hearts pound.

personally, until i find someone about whom i feel that way, i'll remain single. and i don't really go looking for anyone. i love the way my life has turned out. living alone feels right for me at the moment. someday i may welcome company, but until then, my friends and family more than compensate for what i may miss out on.
 Stringbeen
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 12
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:31:48 AM

Are we a bit naive to think that marriage is about more than that small, mundane and often boring not-for-profit business?
No. The generations before us have low expectations about a spouse. My own mother is a good example of this. They only need a 'warm body' lying next to them in bed, not much else. As if their spouses are nothing but a prop, something they have to prove that they are lovable. It's very sad to see. Some people do treat their marriage as a business, this is true.



figures that women are too choosey about men nowadays and it's this fact that leaves lots of women entering their thirties and forties unmarried.
Well speaking for myself.....I 'settled' in my first marriage. I won't do that again.






Settling is a sin! Enough said.
Agree 100%
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 14
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:46:59 AM
There really is no such thing as a 10, if we go around looking for the perfect person then we will in fact wind up alone living in a house with 30 cats. Everyone has faults, the trick is to find someone that you care about enough to overlook those faults.

If i could find a 9/10 i would be as happy as a pig in slop. That's as close as any of us can ever dream of getting. If meeting a 9/10 is "settling" then we should all be settlers.
Only the truly delusional is looking for 10/10 , not only are the delusional, but they are expecting to fing something they can't possibly bring to the table themselves, that being perfection.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 15
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:53:11 AM
You raise an interesting point about exactly what "settling" means. Though I would never settle, I've often dated guys who weren't my physical ideal. My first boyfriend, when I was a teenager, is the only guy I ever felt an infatuation with based on looks. Then, of course, after getting that guy, I learned there was more to a relationship, so I look at attractive men, but date the ones who have other things in common with me.

I don't consider this settling, just maturing.
 Lady Waresa
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 17
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:01:33 AM
The word "settling" as it pertains to relationships has such a negative connotation that I'm not fond of using it. I prefer compromising. After all isn't that what a successful relationship is? a little give and take. Sure we all have our deal breakers, most likely due to past experiences but nobody is perfect, a little compromise goes a long ways. Now where is my 9/10?
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 18
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:26:28 AM
"I'm prepared to make space for less than perfect"

Why would you feel you need "To make space for less than perfect" That makes it sound like you are doing them some kind of huge favor. And if you're expecting to build up to a 10/10 then you truly are delusional. It's never going to happen, the best we can hope for is to be so comfortable with someone that we can overlook the negatives.

I see people alone and on pof for years and years still looking for perfection. You ask them why, the answer is always the same old tired cliche "I don't want to settle" But what they really mean is "I am looking for a 10 even if i am only a 5" . Most of us are just not realistic in our expectation while looking for a partner. If you come back to reality that's not "settling" that's just making the correct adjustment.
 DeeWantsDumb
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 19
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:32:19 AM
I agree with Wildman...I would make the adjustment for his moderate 5ish if he were only local.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 21
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:57:22 AM
I think she's right; women are way too choosy; they are obsessed with getting a guy that wows their friends, makes their parents jump for joy, and makes everyone envious when they walk down the street. Get real.

There is one girl on this site; I think she's "the cutest" or something that has 35 things that she needs in a man. These lists are incredible.

I met a girl once that we were thinking of dating. She said she had 20 thing on her "list" that someone needed to be for her to love them. She said I had met those points. That ticked me off like I didn't have a choice or something.

I told her that it was sad and that I couldn't really date her. She was shocked; I told her I had 18 points and that she only met 15 of them.

Healthy people are more worried about being a whole person and what they have to offer. Selfish people worry mostly about what they can get from someone and their own needs.
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 22
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:09:52 AM
There are major points and minor points you that everyone probably considers.

some Major points might be:
1. Do you share the same values/family background.
2. Emotionally/Intellectually a match
3. Do you feel physically attracted.

Beyond that I'm not sure if a small idiosyncroncy should really matter, or whether the person isnt the smoothest on a date . Most people naturally open up and become easier to talk to once you get to know them.

If you're looking for the 100% match agaisnt your list the only people who will be able to fill that are probably players (tells you what you want to hear, acts the way you want a guy to act).

Its funny that women can screen for all these things online, but still reject the small % of men who even fill these basic requirements (because some phd student doesn't know how to write emails), I wonder how much more successful you can be when just randomly meeting someone in a bar/club.

 tamara719
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 24
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:40:33 PM
Nobody should have to settle.

However, as you pointed out there are older people then 19 on here. And, as time passes I can state that a good man, who treats me well, is handy around the house and has great communication with me, even though the sex isn't the greatest (that can be worked on) is a keeper.

You have LOTS of time ahead of you thus cool down and date some. You don't have to be married by the age of 20. As a matter of fact I don't recommend marriage until you're 30 these days as most people are getting into their careers in their 20's. That is necessary time to discover who you are, what you want and how you will get there.

Stop looking and your dream girl just might be in front of you!
 QuestionableIntentions
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 25
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:06:46 PM
Imagine finding out one day that the person you thought truly wanted to spend the rest of their life with you was just "settling" for you. What a horrible thought! I would never want that done to me and I certainly wouldn't do that to someone else. It's really the most selfish thing I can think of.

There's no stopping certain nosy friends or family members from thinking you could have done better. But isn't it the most important thing to look over at the one you're with and know exactly why you're together? The man of my dreams isn't necessarily the man of everybody else's.

Now, I don't know if my opinion might change in another 10 to 20 years if I'm still single, but I'd like to think I'll have lived a long life and be able to say I treated everyone with the love and respect they deserved - And if I no longer loved or respected them, I let them go find someone who would.
 July Morning
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 26
Settling
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:32:53 PM
"9 would mean teeth and a job right?"

Nine teeth, both on the left and on the right.

I could easily get a job if I could fulfil qualifications like that.
 vosche
Joined: 5/30/2008
Msg: 27
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:34:03 AM
dont ever settle...if you feel like you're settling, you'll never be happy and be short changing the other person when that whole time you and the other person could have already been with someone that wants them completely and not feeling as if they've settled! it creates loss time none involved will ever be able to get back as well as resentment of the other person...
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 28
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 2:47:26 PM
I read the article and maybe the author's mindset is warped because she lives in NYC and can afford to be a single working woman until her 40's. But in reality, I think most girls really want to get married between 25-35 at least before they lose their looks. I think most girls consider settling at age 30 and not at age 40. They want to have a marriage or have kids even if the guy is not right - and then if the guy is the wrong guy, they get a quicky divorce which is the norm for starter marriages these days before they have the baggage of kids. I just thought the article was a reflection of desperation of the author.

Sure most married women gossip and complain about their husbands, but that is just venting and most people like being married and trying to make a marriage work because it brings stability to life and a greater stability if you have kids.

Basically I believe that marriage is basically to have children and is a govt enforced certificate to make sure that the Dads don't run off and cheat on their wives and abandon the kids.

But if a woman or man doesn't want to have children, then they should remain single if they are happy and enjoy their freedom from being responsible to wife or kids.
 thatswhatshesaid
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 29
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:15:06 PM
^^^Who would get married BEFORE they lost their looks?
 MajorThomas
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 30
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History
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:36:27 PM
ya, i've gotten less picky as time goes on. At first I would only date women who:

1. made more then 100k a year
2. a graduate degree or higher
3. kept her self fit and healthy
4. had passions/interest in her life other then shopping.
5. Had good values.

Now ill just settle for someone who smells good.
 jcrew617
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 31
Settling
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:42:54 PM

Who would get married BEFORE they lost their looks


If a woman wants to have kids or keep a wealthy guy. Everyone also gets heavier as we age.

Its very difficult to have your first child after 40 for a woman.

Ironically, I think that older woman over 40 have less reason to settle because they might have kids already or be divorced or they have successful careers. If these older woman, or cougars as they are affectionally called can have a man who may not be as financially successful but may be good looking.

Also, I think it is very difficult to find someone "who has it all" because they are often divergent traits. If someone has a good job, he may not have time to have a relationship or be affectionate. But a wealthy guy may find a trophy wife appealing because she is both good looking and has time to meet his needs and his goals without being distracted by her own career.

Its up to each man or woman what they are willing to give up or compromise in a relationship because a woman may want the perfect guy, but it may require sacrifices that she has to make. I would say this is a good analogy with SATC where Charlotte and Miranda both married men who were not their ideal career or in looks, but they were stable men who were committed to the relationship; but Mr Big was always selfish twice-divorced and could never fully commit to Carry.

Its up to each woman to make the decision to be happy with someone or to be happy single.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 32
Settling
Posted: 6/9/2008 1:52:02 PM
lots of people on here think settling is wrong for everyone and that's just not true. lots of men and women on all dating sites are looking for an unattainable mate. for folks like me who can get along with just about everyone, settling is just another option. unless you do not like to dance! then no thanks!!
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