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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?      Home login  
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 Xcen
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 2
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How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Well, like all fishing You need to decide on what bait to use and have contingency plans in case you catch a bottom feeder that you dont want. Sometimes removing your hook and retrieving it from a nasty tempered non-keeper can be challenging. I doubt that you would stay happy for long if you lower your expectation list very far. After all you want a good man,,,not an over-aged child that lacked good parenting.
 some woman
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 3
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:58:00 PM
If those are truly your standards, don't lower them. Those are the same things I believe most of us are looking for. Men like that are out there. I know because I found one when I wasn't even looking.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/11/2008 6:06:16 PM
OP, I don't think that's a tall order at all. You want what you want...it might take longer to find it, but you will. The key is to enjoy life, not try too hard, and get out and about so you can meet as many people as possible with no expectations and have fun.

I don't think you can really compromise or lower standards/settle and be happy...and I know I would hate to date someone and find out they wanted better but just decided one day I would "do".

The person you're looking for is likely to show up just about the time when you start having fun in life, getting used to being single and actually enjoying it and not caring if you're in a relationship....
 sbnt
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 9
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:18:55 PM
Op, the first thing you have to do is determine what qualities are "must haves". Once you figure those out, define what exactly each of those must haves mean.

Personally I don't like using a list of traits or terms to describe what I'm looking for, but I think we can narrow down what's important.

Your list
- Attractive
- Intelligent
- Productive
- Caring
- Finds you interesting
- Open-minded
- Believes in stability
- Willing to explore
- Spiritual
- Comfortable with who they are

Looking at the broadest definition of each, I and probably many guys could probably fit that list. So, what is really important?

The items on the list that are open to a wide degree of interpretation are: Attractive, and Productive. Exactly how do you define these? Can you even define what is attractive to you? Do you try to give a specific definition or something broad? I have no idea what you mean by Productive. Productive in what way? Is this code word for "makes lots of money"? It's interesting you note that when you mention that you'd be ok with "average" that you include in the same sentence "with a decent career". It seems I was right that "Productive" is code word for "makes lots of money".

It'll probably take you another year or so before you toss out that list, or modify the list with what is really important, as I believe that a person doesn't truly know what they want until they hit their 30's.

Only you can answer this with what is important to you. We can't mind read... and I don't want to be able to.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 13
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:31:15 PM
I wouldn't suggest lowering your standards. But having more flexible standards can be a good thing. Sometimes a person that is somewhat ( not completely ) different than your ideal type could be a good match for you.
 Soul Union
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 15
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:55:04 PM
I've heard that it [sic] never a good idea to lower standards, but what do you do when it's obviously unlikely that you will find what you want? Any advice on how to "modify" my list in order to broaden the spectrum? How low is too low? > ms kysha


If you step down from your self-important ladder for a minute and breathe the same air as the rest of us, have you ever considered that there are thousands of men out there who wouldn't lower their standards dating you?

Not all men are inferior beings, you know.

- Soul Union
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:30:41 AM

I approach life from the perspective that I am already pretty happy, why muck that up by dating someone who I already believe is not what I'm looking for?

Exactly - I agree. If I'm already happy/content single, why would I date someone I'm not that into and be less happy/content (or waste their time)? If dating someone doesn't either blend with my life the way it is or enhance it...there's no point in pairing off.
 Invictus01
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 19
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:27:53 AM
You are better off single than lowering your standards. That's all there is to it. Lower your standards and you'll be with somebody you don't give a crap about. At that point of time... why bother?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 23
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:33:37 PM

I want what everyone wants. Someone attractive, intelligent, productive, and caring. I also want someone who finds me interesting and who's open-minded. I want someone who believes in stability and willing to explore. Someone spiritual. Someone comfortable with who they are.


Stop wanting what others want. Stop living by the current cliche. Stop living by standards set by others, by society, by culture.

Look inside you, look inside the person you may be going out with. In their mind, they may be lowering their standards by going out with you. Instead, try to see past that, try seeing what is great about yourself that is beyond standards, then see the other person and see what is unique, what fits with your personality and feelings, what makes you feel good, what makes you feel special. And simply fvck the rest.
 flyingiguana
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 26
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How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:03:25 PM

I want what everyone wants. Someone attractive, intelligent, productive, and caring. I also want someone who finds me interesting and who's open-minded. I want someone who believes in stability and willing to explore. Someone spiritual. Someone comfortable with who they are.


stop looking for that one person to sweep you off your feet. don't have to lower your standards, just don't be so fast to write people off. go with the flow...
 alwaysme2
Joined: 5/2/2007
Msg: 27
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:41:59 PM
Everyone has standards...and everyone's standards are different. The sooner that people realize that everyone is looking for something different the better. Not everyone is looking for the same thing and there is nothing wrong with that! Some people have preferences when it comes to looks, income, personality, how they treat others etc. It is different for everyone and just because I am looking for one thing doesn't mean it's the right thing for the next person.

I agree with christine as well, I would rather be single than to compromise what I am truly looking for. Who wants to be in the wrong type of relationship or with the wrong type of person just say they are "in" a relationship?
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 29
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:17:43 PM
I think if your standards are way too high then lowering them will be the right thing to do. I think your question is a good one.

I see some women especially, with these unrealistic list of things a guy must have and then they justify it with saying, "I dont want to settle." Its Ridiculous.

Just be yourself and look for quality things in a guy. Look for attraction, moral fiber, and if you enjoy being around them.

I wish you luck but dump the list.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 30
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:22:23 PM

You are better off single than lowering your standards. That's all there is to it. Lower your standards and you'll be with somebody you don't give a crap about. At that point of time... why bother?


With all do respect, I think this mantra is ridiculous. If your standards are unrealistic then you are the one that needs to change.

If I want a woman that is blond, blue eyes, has a college degree, is 5 9" at least, is thin with a big chest, is outgoing, loves sports, and loves to cook, loves American football, loves to bike ride, is funny, enjoys seafood, laughs at my jokes, etc....

And if she doesnt meet every part of my list then I should dump her because I'm settling? I think thats the most dysfunctional thing I've ever heard.
 flyingiguana
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 32
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How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:36:14 PM
everyone is gonna have standards. personality and chemistry can overcome tho. after reading this thread is almost seems like people are ordering take out
 handrelief
Joined: 6/24/2010
Msg: 33
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/1/2010 4:26:18 PM
Lavender44, why "wasn't it meant to be"?
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 34
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/1/2010 5:58:28 PM
How can WE possibly suggest something? We have no idea what constitutes your criteria for attraction in a man.

Is that the REAL question? should you become involved with a man that doesn't excite you? Me, I would say definitely NOT!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 35
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/1/2010 6:50:32 PM
Is that the REAL question? should you become involved with a man that doesn't excite you? Me, I would say definitely NOT!

Actually, that may be the question, but I think someone in the OP's position should look deeper than that.

My answer is yes, many people SHOULD lower their standards, while some should raise them. OMG, did I just say that? Heck yeah.

IF you are involved with someone who doesn't excite you -- then you didn't lower them. Lowering your standards, or what some may call "coming to grips to reality and not only aiming for people out of your league", requires acceptance... it requires you WANTING to lower the bar, then in the end, your actual tastes HAVE lowered the bar. Won't happen over night. It requires not to date at all for a while, and not to be in need of "someone", affection, flings, etc.

There are many people who set their "standards" too high... given enough time, someone out of their league comes around where they set their "standards", and the higher-league person is with them most of the time is because they've got other issues.

What I say may sound dumb, but honestly -- what would you say to an average Joe or Jane scraping by in life whose "standards" was movie-star looking, very intelligent, incredibly patient & understanding, and just wanted to pamper other people? LOWER YOUR STANDARDS.... but not using those exact words, but the meaning, yes, will end up being exactly the same -- just in PC speak.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 36
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/1/2010 8:26:28 PM
^^Or how about this if you are a man.

You lower your standards, and then spend an inordinate amount of time jerking off to porn on the Internet.

In fact, "They" say that the Internet would not exist if it were not for porn.

I guess, a good number of men have lowered their standards!
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 37
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/1/2010 9:58:34 PM
Maybe instead of lowering your standards how about upping your offerings?
Put a little extra effort into yourself and you'll gain a confidence that will surely magnify your other qualities!

...And a few pictures on your profile wouldn't hurt either!


Oops! I just noticed the OP isn't even here anymore....
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 38
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/2/2010 8:33:20 AM

Oops! I just noticed the OP isn't even here anymore....

The op may have gone, but her original post describes what I would consider to be a perfect example of someone who considers herself to have ``high standards,'' but which are not `high standards, but misguided expectations. Changing would not be compromising.

I want what everyone wants.

No. What you want is a clone of yourself as you see yourself (which is not necessarily an accurate assessment). Not only that what you say you want is rather vague and in some ways off-putting.

Someone attractive, intelligent, productive, and caring.

In other words, you're looking for the standard meaningless cliches. It's a given that you want someone who is attractive to YOU. Duh. What do you mean by ``intelligent?'' If you're confusing things like intelligence and education with having gone to school, I can understand your problem. You're judging intelligence (and education) using criteria that aren't an assurance of anything. If you're judging intelligence based on someone knowing what you know, you aren't very intelligent yourself. A truly intelligent person would be interested in many things and recognize intelligence through a person's above average skill at whatever he/she does. I think what you (and a lo of other people) really mean by ``intelligent'' is someone who can engage you in an interesting conversation. Try becoming curious about the world around you and broaden your interests, so you can recognize intelligence where you find it and learn new things from people whse interests are different from your own. If all you want is a guy who knows what you know with the same depth as you, you're looking for a mental clone of yourself, not intelligence.

I'm not really sure what ``productive'' and ``caring'' mean to you, but when people use the word ``caring,'' the are usually referring to a superficial appearance of concern for others through some display of emotions. If that's what you want, look for a ``sensitive guy'' who shows lots of emotions so you can cry about things together without ever doing anything to fix what you're crying about.

I also want someone who finds me interesting

For someone to find you interesting, you first have to be interesting. The less interesting you are, the less likely you are to find someone who finds you interesting. If you want to be interesting, learn as much as you can about everything around you and learn it in depth so you can hold an interesting conversation with almost anyone about any topic. If you do that, you'll have no problem filling that requirement. However, being interestig is your job.

and who's open-minded.

I'm not sure what this means either. Do you mean ``willing to accept anything without critical examination and debate?'' If so, your idea of open-minded conflicts with intelligence. Open-minded doesn't mean so open your brains fall out.

I want someone who believes in stability and willing to explore.

That's a dichotomy if ever there was one. You can't be willing to explore unless you have some curiousity about things outside your stable, comfortable environment. Good luck with that one.

Someone spiritual.

Wht? Isn't your own spirituality (whatever that means) enough for you to worry about? Aren't you open-minded enough to allow your potential partner to think for himself about something that personal?

Someone comfortable with who they are.

That would not seem to be you. What your so-called standards seem to represent is a person who validates your perception of yourself, not a person who is truly his own person.

I know this is a tall order, but I can dream right?

I'd say it's an impossible order unless you meet a male who is what you perceive yourself to be.

Now, as far as the initial attraction. I know that I don't have "A-list" qualities or looks, so I am okay with an average funny/interesting guy with a decent career.

Well, when I see ``decent career'' as a requirement, my first thought is that the person doesn't have enough to do worrying about her own goals or career.

But those guys don't look my way. I guess they are looking for the same thing I am looking for.

Perhaps not. I personally think my standards are rather high, yet I didn't have such a long list. My expectations could be stated rather simply. I wanted a person I found (1) physically attractive; (2) intelligent enough to hold an interesting conversation on whatever she found intersting enough to know more about than me; (3) to have a personality that was compatible with mine; and (4) to be sexually interesting.

Those are a tall enough order to fill and I'm not sure what else there is that I ought to care about. I'm happy being me, so I don't need another person to ``complete me.'' There's a difference between compromising your standards and looking for someone you could only find if you were able to order a mate from a factory and select features you think you would like to have. The latter may be a fantasy, but like most fantasies, would not be as much fun in real life if it were realized.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 39
How do I lower my standards without compromising too much?
Posted: 11/2/2010 9:56:42 AM
I think there are two parts to your question...

you have "values" that you are looking for as well as "traits" you really want.

Those are things that are very much part of your comfort zone, and those are things that I think lacking, will cause problems for you. I don't believe you should modify your values list at all; those are important to the core of you and the core of your interaction with someone you are hopefully going to "click" or "connect" in a meaningful way.

That being said, there are ALSO "filters" that people choose to have. They have a wide or a narrow pool to start looking FOR the values from within. If you have a very small, highly filtered pool, then stepping it down one more step and starting to look from within it for your value person will be significantly more challenging.

Instead of trying to change your values, broaden your filters. Make your age range wider; don't automatically rule out someone based on looks that you really don't know how you'd feel about if you met them in person; don't specify an income range; kids vs no kids; have fewer filters and truly give everyone from within that new range a chance; look with an open mind.

You will be pleasantly surprised at some jewels in the rough you wouldn't have looked twice at; that actually are remarkably good fits.

Very good luck to you
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