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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Will this fix itself?      Home login  
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 Loveonfire
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 2
Will this fix itself?Page 1 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
^^ As the lady above me said, you should dump those guys you are cheating with and get back with your boyfriend. You shouldn't do such things that you know will cause harm and hurt, so get back with your boyfriend I would say!!

Also this was not a relationship that they BOTH decided to split, the OP said SHE broke up with him, so that brings all the more fault to her, and again the OP should get back with her boyfriend, unless there is a really good and legitamite reason not too!!.
 Loveonfire
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 3
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:31:25 PM
^^ Actually rune there is something called ethics and morality that is always appropriate to live and hold on to. It's called integrity and treating others and yourself with respect and to be considerate to others. This apparently from what we are being told was not a mutual breakup so to be with other people and fooling around with them while the other person had not complied to that breakup is just not right. If anything, I think this guy needs to find someone better for him because I he does deserve better, if indeed the Ops information is right and accurate.

Now if it was a MUTUAL breakup, and the two people were not married, then thats another matter. But from what I read, the OP didn't mention anything about him being Ok with this break up.
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:33:27 PM
You and your BF were not together when you had these sexual liaisons with these other guys, including the mutual acquaintance, so I don't understand where his beef is. Its not like you were cheating on him. Sure, you may have made poor choices of who you were with during that time, and regret it now, but its really not any of your current BF's business. Was he not involved with anyone at all during the time you were apart? And even if he wasn't, that isn't your fault. If he really cares about you and loves you, he'll be able to put this behind him and stop making an issue out of something that really isn't. If he keeps letting it eat away at him, and making you feel bad about it, then yes, your relationship with him is likely beyond saving. Best of luck to you!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 5
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:46:48 PM
~OP~ He needs to get a grip on his insecurities. You were broken-up. That isn't something he needs to be concerned with. If he's bothered, it will probably compound with time and that is a dead end road. If he's throwing it in your face ~ that's nothing more than control and that's another slippery slope. If he can't deal with it, that's his issue not yours. My only question is: why on earth does he even know? Ever heard of "Don't ask, don't tell."???? What you did on your own time, while apart, is between you and those you choose to be with. If you are ashamed of your actions, you'll need to deal with that ~ but it's not appropriate for him to promote those types of feelings. Mature/adult men can usually deal with these issues, little boys need to throw temper fits and act like ~ well, little boys. Good luck ~ sounds like a rocky road to me. JMO
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 6
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:35:49 PM

Ummm Don't you think he knows because she slept with his friend.???? Duhhhh

Ummmmm ~ there was more than one. Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Did the friend tell or did she or did mutual other friends? Or was it in the newspaper, on tv, announced on the radio? She confessed.


Then:


while we were apart...

The word "apart" is not referring to him going away on holiday or something, but to the fact that they are not together as a couple.

Finally:


A couple of weeks later, my boyfriend and I decided to give it another chance.
And after it is over then they decide to become a couple again.

If the words mean something different where you come from, feel free to illuminate it for me. I don't seem to be the only one who has interpreted it this way, however.

You right rune ~ it's a pretty simple read!! I got first time through....LOL

~OT~ Breaking up = no longer a couple
No longer a couple = each party lives their own life
Each party lives their own life = consensual sex if/when one chooses to or not to

Like it or not ~ moral fiber/ethical stances vary from person to person. I'm no one's moral police and this OP had a right to live her life on her terms during the break-up. Maybe he should start a thread and explain his whereabouts and goings-on while they were separated. I'd be willing to bet money he wasn't celibate. But that's just a hunch.
 pbear511
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 7
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:21:58 PM
well..one thing for sure..you can't go back and "unsleep" with them..so if he's going to have a non-stop problem with it, you need to go your own ways.
come on..realistically, do you even care if he slept with another woman while you were broken up for almost a year? nope. didn't think so.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 9
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History
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:27:38 AM
It will only get fixed if you and your BF get your heads together. Might take a lot of hardwork studying relationships and interpersonal communication? Can you both do that? We are talking 3-7 hours a week of hardcore reading, research, and practice. Drinking wine won't help as I bet you were drinking when you fuked the other guys right?
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 10
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:01:13 AM
Lafets-

Let me ask you a couple of things. Firstly, did your bf see anyone while you both split up? Why are you feeling guilty for having an intimate relationship with anyone? If either of you are having second thoughts about being back together, perhaps it's best to end it and try to remain friends or discuss the issues openly and honestly with your SO. Why should he be embarrassed about what you did while you were on your own? Or is it your feelings of embarrassment that your boyfriend knows about it? It would have been a mistake if you were sleeping with them while you were a couple, but you clearly stated you both broke up. The other thing is, how would anyone know about your sexual business unless you told them or they did.

Maybe it's not so much the sexual contact that you had your BF can't digest, but rather the party too which you slept with-but I'd say that seems more like an excuse for him to end things with you. The situation will only improve if both parties get past it and move on. If neither one of you can do that I'd say the problem will only get worse and it's better to part now on civil terms. There is no easy fix to any issue in a relationship unless both parties can find some resolution to what is really bothering them and move forward.

I dated a man and I broke up with him. We didn't see each other for over a yr, but shortly there after we got back together. I never questioned what he did while we were apart nor did he question me. I'd have to say the dynamics of our relationship was far different the second go around, but despite the changes in both of us, we still date now and it's been like this for the past several yrs. I will say, I never cavorted with any of his male friends, but sometimes sh!t happens. The bottom line is forgiving yourself for making some self admitted bad choices and move on. Good luck with your situation.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 11
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 4:11:43 AM
I don't think the problem is so much that the OP was very sexually active after they broke up - it's with WHOM she was active during that period that is causing the problem for her BF, and rightfully so.

It's a big old world out there - why be promiscuous with people who are in both your immediate social circles, knowing everyone will find out about it? That was an all around bad decision and very tacky.

Being honest, I don't blame your BF for feeling embarrassed because everyone knows about your activity with a mutual friend you all know. It IS embarrassing for him.

Next time you break up, broaden your horizons a little and stay away from your circle of friends.
 Loveonfire
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 13
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:28:47 AM
I agree with Rune and with Bethany...
You were broken up, whether he had failed to accept that or not .
You are a grown adult and the intimacies with the other men were consensual, correct? So you may feel guilty for letting your guard down for sleeping with them, but in the grand scheme of things, most would agree that you did what you wanted. You live and learn.
His ego probably is close to nilch with having to face your friends. I'm sure he is comparing himself to these other guys...
I would suggest revisiting the reason why you broke up with him in the first place.
Have you worked though that problem to consider being back together?
and...bIn order to fix the problem at hand with the way things are now, you need to have that long serious heart to heart. Figure out if you both can honestly move on from it. If your friends bring up the drama, tell them it's none of their business what happened and that you guys have squelched the issue, if you have...


Wrong!!!!...What she did was not right, and like another poster said, if it was a guy who did this, many ladies would not like it, so don't ever assume it's ok for one gender to do this and not the other. Like I said, we don't know how he felt or whether he was ok with the break up, and if he wasn't then it's just like cheating on her part. BOTH people need to have a mutual agreement on the break up!!!!.


Loveonfire, let me get this right, if one person says that they want to break up and the other person doesnt want to, then the person breaking up has no rights to move on with their life? Is that what you are saying? What a stupid thing to say, think about it ... lol


What don't you understand about what I posted? It's clear. If two people are in a relationship, if one just leaves because "they want to" , that is being unfaithful, plain and simple. This was not a mutually agreed breakup!!, if he had agreed to the breakup then thats another story. But if two people are together, one can't just go on and mess around with some other people when the other person in the relationship isn't ok with it!! It's plain and simple.


It was a mutual break up -- she broke up with him. Their relationship was over at that point in time and neither of them expected to get back together. Moving on is the most common advice you'll hear and that is what the OP was doing or trying to do.


Are you kidding?? She said SHE broke up with him, not that they BOTH broke up with eachother. She never said it was mutual!! She only said that she broke up with him. Also it depends on the reason she broke up with him.

So maybe what rune is saying indirectly is that she would not have any problem if a guy she was seeing just decided to leave her and have sex with many other women??
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:30:49 PM
I don't happen to believe that friends and exes of friends or just people I'm going to be around like co-workers, that's not a dating pool for me. Too much potential drama and pain involved. The dating pool is not that small that I have to resort to getting it on with those who are too close to the core. It's not worth it. Also, sounds like you guys broke up the first time for a good reason, and this time it's not working again.
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 18
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:52:27 PM
Offer to let your BF sleep with the same guy that you slept with that way no one feels left out? Then the two of them can sit back have a beer and swap stories about the different sexual positions that they both did with you!
 Loveonfire
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 19
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 12:58:45 PM
Stingray said something interesting. She said don't feel bad about the past and what you did to someone, just learn from it and move on.

I know there are alot of men that feel guilty when they cheat on their wives or they do something not so nice, and they feel bad about it. To those guys I would like to say the same thing, don't hold the guilt inside you, don't worry about the past, learn to forgive yourself, an don't worry about the situation with you're wives, if they can't forgive then that's their problem, not yours!!! Move on and just learn from you're mistakes.
 opnmydm
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 20
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:17:33 PM
this is a major no, it will not fix itself and i feel he will never let you forget what you did. for both your sakes, i would either go into counseling together or move on
 Loveonfire
Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 21
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:21:56 PM
@ bigbOi I think that is what all people should do then in that situation. If their lover/gf/bf just decides to leave them and dump them and have sex with other people, that the person who didn't want to have the break up should just not try to make the person doing the act guilty, as someone said, it is "their life" and what a man may do with someone he is having an affair with or the person he fooling around with, his girlfriend should just mind her own business and not make the man feel guilty for what he does!!.....??

Interesting view point that many people on here are making. I mean with all the people complaining about their boyfriends or hubbys dumping them and being and maybe having sex with someone else and feeling hurt and upset about their bf doing this because they love him and want to be with him.... those ladies in this case should just mind their own business right?, and let the man do what he wants to do!!??and let him do it without feeling guilty too. Afterall.....it's none of her business right??....he is an adult so he can do these things. She should stop "trying to put him down" and "take responsibility for their actions and feelings".
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 26
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:17:11 PM
Ask him this.. if he had been the one who initiated the break up.. and he started banging someone you knew.. then yall got back together what would he say???

He'd say "baby it didn't mean anything".. "baby I was just using her".. "baby I really love you"..

What is good for the gander is good for the goose.

Remind him what he would be saying if he were in your shoes..

Dump him and move on he is not emotionally mature and he has an ego that needs too much stroking.

And I doubt very seriously his guy friends his true friends would be diggin him about this.. he is imagining this.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 27
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:35:34 PM
You did not make a terrible mistake. I think your boyfriend is still punishing you for breaking up with him.
I would not buy into the guilt trip he is putting on you any more. If he can't accept your past behavior, then he can't. There is nothing you could do to fix this. He needs to accept you might not have acted wisest, but you certainly did not sleep with anyone to hurt your present boyfriend.....or to hurt yourself now.
I'm not sure you can ever really get back together, totally lovingly and accepting a previous bf or gf....not unless you both have done some serious forgiving, understanding, accepting, healing since you broke up. I would suggest counselling as one last attempt to make peace and acceptance with you two, for if you can't and he can't, then I don't see how this relationship is going to make it.
And you don't have to hurt each other any further to come to that conclusion.
Listen to your guts. Do what you need to be at peace with yourself. You can't force him to do the same, but if he does not wish to go deeply into working on this, then perhaps that will be your answer for what to do.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 28
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:56:45 PM
Shug I can understand why you are confused, you were broke up for 10 months, and went out and sowed some wild oats... Geez I can't believe the public flogging on this thread for that, if it were another thread and it were a guy doing 6 women in a month the guys would want to get tips and an autograph for their man card.

Try the counseling thing, and if that doesn't work then you know it wasn't meant to work.

Obviously mr loose lips had no problem in being an absolute jerk about spreading the news, so you live and learn.

Do problems like these suddenly go away, and fix themself? No, they take understanding, and a lot of work. However don't let yourself be guilted into thinking you did some horrible deed. You two were both broke up, and there was a reason for it.

The best you can learn is don't do mutual friends, and especially ones that have no respect for privacy...

Good luck...
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 30
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:48:34 PM
This other guy cheated on you, and your guy is saying he's embarassed, instead of saying that guy was scum for hurting you? That's a bit of a red flag in my mind. It doesn't sound like he is showing any concern for your feelings in all this.

Sure, he's still hurt and has a bruised ego from the break-up and finding out about you with other guys (which is always a hard thing after a major break-up and it's too bad that couldn't be kept quiet). But it's not like he can expect you to be able to do anything about this. The best that you can do (if you really want him) is to reassure him that you are into him now, and only him.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 31
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:24:42 AM
LaFet, these forums are brutal, and sometimes some people think of them as a sport to see just about how far they can kick the crap out of another person simply because the person is hidding behind a computer screen.

It hurts to open up your own laundry, and ask others to be a judge.

As I stated earlier I am appalled that you have been flogged because OMGOSH you slept with 3 guys in ten months... HOLY BAT MAN break out the "Holier than thou" stance...

You didn't cheat, you were broke up.

I am sure when you hooked up with mr loose lips, you weren't expecting him to be such a hound dog, and further your issues in life spouting off what you and he did between the sheets.

As I also stated, do get some counseling.

Your profile says you are between jobs... That is a harsh time, seems like you may need your own self evaluation and see where it is you really want to take your life career wise.

Sometimes when you focus on one thing to much IE: what is going on with your relationship, and not what is growing on with your own personal growth you can make unhealthy choices... NOT MEANING, being with other people, but rather find yourself getting into situations that make things worse instead of better.

Shug, it is all part of growing, and learning about yourself.

As long as the two of you can talk, AND are both willing to put this last 10 months behind you, it can be worked out, it just won't fix itself.

Do yourself the favor in the mean time in finding out what YOU want out of life as a career if you haven't already done so, that too is an important aspect of life, and you will feel happier as a couple if both of you are doing work each of you enjoy...

Namaste
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 32
Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:04:41 AM
Well you sure dont waste any time for the sex part; 3 guys in 10 months is a bit much for someone that was so into someone else. You are a young single mom and sleeping around with 3 guys in 10 months after breaking up with someone is pretty dang irresponsible in my opinion.

Your relationship is doomed. In todays world having sex with different people every week is somewhat acceptable; unfortunately; but he's hurt and it will never go away. Its obvious to me you have some growing up to do and you need to take more responsibility and not just hop into bed with guys. Please use protection. If I were him I'd bolt. I think you have no chance. Problems dont just get fixed.
 lastbat13
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 36
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:49:00 PM
Quite frankly it's his problem and if he can't deal with the fact that you are a grown woman who can do what she wants than it's time to leave. It may fix itself, but I'm not of the mind that relationships should be work. If he can't deal with it he's with the wrong person.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 40
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Will this fix itself?
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:48:08 PM

I have to agree with some other posters that a good relationship should not be this much work.


Who wrote this??? If relationships weren't a lot of work, then the divorce rate would be ZERO... Of course relationships are work as well as just existing...

You are very smart to question whether he is ok with things, or just letting them simmer to an intense boil. You dated him a long time before, is he the type to harbor anger, then no matter how many times the two of you have been over it, does he go and rerake the coals???

It sounds good that the two of you are making new friends and are out enjoying spending time together... People make choices all the time that they later regrete, yours is not so bad that it is unforgiveable... If you were married to the guy, and out cheating on him, it would be one thing, but the two of you weren't married, and were broken up...

Shug you probably need to learn to forgive yourself, so that you can expect him to do the same. As long as you still feel as though you were doing something horribly wrong, then he will feel like it is a great weapon if he's the type to do so...
 u2lover
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 43
made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 10:31:24 AM
There's really nothing you can do at this point, it is water under the bridge. So, if he can't move past these things that happened when you were not a couple, I think the relationship is doomed. Even if you are embarassed or ashamed, it happened. May not happen again but it did in the first place. All you can do is admit your feelings and move forward. If he can't get over it, send him packing and get on with life. It's too short to coddle someone who can't accept the past. The two of you have to act like adults and figure it out.
 Jason-01
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 47
made a terrible mistake by f&&king these other guys ...
Posted: 6/20/2008 12:58:07 PM
This guy is too immature for a long term relationship. Everyone has dated several people before getting married. It's just part of how we do things in North America. If I am out with an old girlfriend and my wife and my wife says something about what I'm like in bed I always want to duck for cover but I engage in the conversation. LIKE AN ADULT. What's going to happen when you run into an old boyfriend or someone in some bar tries to pick you up. You may end up in a fight about a problem that doesn't exist.

I've seen too many people fight over this kind of thing and it never ends. Run while you can still remain friends.
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