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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > past lovers becoming close friends.      Home login  
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 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 1
past lovers becoming close friends.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Do you think it is possible for a mature man and a woman who were in a romantic relationship
at one time , to become good platonic friends, if both are in agreement that this is
something they both want? Is it possible for the two people to cohabitate part time
and become real buddies without the physical part, even though the physical part was great and both people are unattached, or would it get messy? Has anyone had an experience like this, where neither really want to be traditional girlfriend and boyfriend because of outside factors, but really wish to keep in touch with the person
and have them , their frienship , and spend time together as friends. Does this work,
especially if there is still a very very strong attraction on both sides, or is this just asking for a problem?
 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 2
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:52:09 PM
Absolutely YES it is possible.
I have a wonderful friend who was once a lover... many moons ago.
Our paths split for about 2 years and then merged again... as great friends.
We talked about doing the "friends with benefits" thing...lol... but neither of us really wants to get into that at this stage of life.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 3
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:03:39 PM
of course but it takes a breather to find acceptance..it did for me

it takes maturity to say i care about you, your a value in my life but your not my
match and realize the value of a great friend who knows how to respect you.
cuz in order to date there must be a form of respect....to accept your not the one and still care that a person deserves to find love with another.

bin there done that...but the respect has to be in the mechanics of the breakup
i think...and i am speaking of relationships not a cyber date or friend...i am speaking of long relationships where you realize ya just can't hang onto something unless your holding your self respect card first.
I respected i was not his sunshine i was mearly the transitional person who helped him find his needs...i am glad i had the privilige of being the catalyst which helped him find his way...cuz don't we all want to be with the human who was designed for us?
I want that for me...but i wanted it for him to...cuz i care enuff to say...twernt me
 bearwoman1959
Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 4
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:28:43 PM
I can't imagine being friends with an ex anything. Once it's over, it's over. Too each his own.
 WaywardSeeker
Joined: 7/12/2007
Msg: 5
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:38:58 PM
Well I have become friends with several women I met on this site. One or the other of us ruled out a romantic relationship at some point but we have stayed in contact. I believe this is much more difficult after two people have been lovers, as the emotions involved are so much stronger, but it is possible.

As far as cohabiting, I see one big problem with that. If you start a relationship with a new person, how are you going to introduce your "roommate" of the opposite sex?
"Doris, I want you to meet Jane. Jane and I were lovers two years ago but decided to just be friends and now we just share an apartment." Yep, that's really going to work!

An old friend of mine stayed with my ex-wife and I for a week or so. My then wife finally asked me if we had been lovers and I told her that we had, twenty years before. She was still very upset that I would bring a former lover into our house.
 Blithe_Spirit
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 6
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 2:44:53 PM
Good grief, Wayward Seeker, is there anyone of the entire female gender who hasn't been your lover at one time?

I have remained good friends with some exes, but cohabitating would be a bit much. Sorry, if I liked them that well, we'd have gotten married.
 tableguy
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 7
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:02:23 PM
Yes its possible, only if you keep you distance You also have to respect the other person who decided they are a one woman man and because of the past you are not it. Whats a man got to do
 desert wildflower
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 8
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:22:42 PM
that`s not funny, that is just plain rude. Such charming men here on POF! Gives me such hope for the male of the species in general.
 cdn*guy
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 9
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:58:16 PM
I can't see me ever cohabitating again with someone I've been intimate with in the past -- it just wouldn't seem like a very smart thing to do. But both my ex-wives are on my friends lists on the various on-line social utilities that I'm a part of, and we don't share any family ties. Most of those that I've had relationships with in the past are still friends -- many very close friends. Those that aren't, it was their choice, not mine. Some folks carry their hurt and anger for a long, long time after a break-up -- some don't. I'm of the latter. I've never had a serious relationship with someone I didn't like. And after the initial healing is done after the break-up, the like is still there. No big deal. It's just the way it works for me.

cdn guy
 zeeba
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 10
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:20:35 PM
I've never been able to do so, but I know why. I am generally the one who breaks up with the other person because I want more of a commitment that he's been able or willing to give. I can't be friends, then, because it hurts too much to know that I'm not as "wanted" as I would want to be with the person.

Whew, that sounded convoluted, didn't it? But, friends after having been involved just does NOT work for me!
 tableguy
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 11
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:52:34 PM
desert flower if you are looking for hope, just pray .and thats not funny.
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 12
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:18:00 PM
I think it would be very hard to co-habitate with a former lover without crossing that boundry.

When I was married, separated and living in the same house for 6 months before my divorce, I had to emotionally remove myself from the situation or I could have fallen right back into the trap. I know that may be different but still.. to live in the same house with a former lover.

I couldn't do it, nor would I want to, not that we couldn't be friends, just not live together.
JMO
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 13
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:41:43 PM
I will admit there indeed where times when he was askin for some bennifits...but i simply laff and said....talk to the hand bud...you expect weakness of course...point is you do not act on it...how ridiculous to be jealous...sorry i wear big girl panties...i am not insecure in my sexuality nor my personality...so to each there own on this one...
but but but..........smiles i am a scorpio.

when flowers came from another guy and he answered the door it was not an issue...
when his family had functions and i was left out i was not an infant about it...
christmas was seperate all the rest was seperate...i never brought men home for the night and neither did he...we went to the other house...like what is with the insecure folks here. your spose to grow up and realize if they do not match your total needs you let them go and not sit and cry that you resent things you can't get over....rolls eye's

the point of having failures is to learn about yourself not others...rolls eye's
if things come up ya can't tollerate but you care for them..you put on big girl panties and not be selfish and needy and controling...you simply admit it is over and sever your sexual side and hold your ground...or you do if your me. holllay if you can't do that i suspect you have never done self awareness ...is taking control of your character and purging crap you do not want to keep..like anger resentment bla bla bla...ya wana carry anger for life some day a crisis will shake the cracker jack box and ya grow up.
that is my story and i am stickin to it.

so yes some folks are mature enuff to think about others and themself and learn to respect their own character some need to blame others for the
results of their lot but some realize ....takes two to tango...but they both have to WANT to dance
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 14
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:21:33 PM
No way, unless the break up was completely agreeable on both sides. If one wanted to keep the romantic relationship going, then that person is not going to settle for the second best of "just friends"
I am in such a situation, at the moment, but I AM NOT happy with the "just friends " thing, but due to my health and financial circumstances I cannot move out of HIS house. I get jealous of the time he spends even with his male friends, and as for female friends, that is a major cause of arguments between us, although, I know that he is no longer committed to our relationship.
If the person who wants to end the romantic relationship can put up with the tantrums of the one who did not want to end it, and is strong enough to ignore the other person when it comes to doing something separate, then I guess it can work, but, since, usually in a breakup, one person wants to keep the relationship going more than the other, then that is not going to lead to being good friends.
 NancyC123
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 15
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:25:22 AM
It's absolutely possible! I had a 7-year live-in relationship with a co-worker and I'm the one that broke it off. He's since gotten married - but here's the kicker - we still work together!

See, looking back, in my eyes, we should've never progressed our friendship to a relationship status. It was an experience - and a really good one - but it didn't last. However, our friendship endured. People at work still can't get their heads wrapped around the fact that he and I still talk to each other on a daily basis as if nothing's changed. Our personal status may have, but our friendship will always be rock-solid!

So, yes, I DO believe lovers can become - and remain - friends!
 breath~
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 16
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:32:14 AM
Yes Pazoozoo, this is what I meant with my earlier post:
We visit in one another's homes and stay in guest bedrooms, we laugh, talk, sometimes hug during emotional times, and in general are terrific friends. We enjoy the companionship, and the close bonds of really good friends. There is no jealousy. If one of us found someone that was the "right" one, we would be happy for the other.


Since it seems posters are talking more about the co-habitating question in OP's several questions, so this is my personal thought on that...
Co-habitate means simply living in same place together. Yes, I could do that with the friend I mentioned in previous post if some situation hit one of us, throwing one of us into a 'need' of a place to live.
In a heartbeat we'd help each other out.
But Lord have mercy, I hope that never happens..lol!
He's a very good friend.... but we'd probably kill each other inside of a month.
He can not live without a tv on 24 hours a day... and I do mean 24 hours a day. Sleeps with it on. I love having some music on at times and at other times just having peaceful quietness and listening to the birds outside the window. TV is an occasional night time entertainment for a few hours. Yep, we'd kill each other.
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 17
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:39:18 AM

so yes some folks are mature enuff to think about others and themself and learn to respect their own character some need to blame others for the
results of their lot but some realize ....takes two to tango...but they both have to WANT to dance


SS that worked for you, fine. But it has nothing to do with maturity or character or blaming others. For me, I wouldn't want to live with an ex-lover. They are an ex for a reason, but I am and could be good friends with them.

If you are living with someone for the convenience or just to share expenses, that is what roommates are for. JMO
 Jim33903
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 18
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:29:33 AM
What a timely question....
I guess it depends on several issues. If one party is the one that ended the romantic relationship and the other party did not want it to end, it could be very difficult. Especially if one party wants to reconcile or start all over with the potential room mate.
If both parties agree that the romantic relationship is over and neither of them has a desire to ever be more then friends, I'm sure it could work out. Some of us have a hard time dealing with jealousy. Even if they accepted that the relationship between them is really over. I think this is especially true of men. I have talked to several woman that are happy for their ex to be dating or involved in another relationship. I am very fortunate, my ex wife and I are friends. Neither of us wants to renew what we shared in 19 years of marriage. But I'll admit to not wanting to know she is with another man in a romantic way. I think us males are kind of territorial that way. As in, she was mine, I don't want her anymore but I don't want to know she is happy in the arms of another man. Woman I've talked to seem to handle this better. Am I immature? I honestly don't know. Maybe just the jealous type .
Back to the situation of one party wanting to renew the romantic bond and the other has made it clear they do not want to. Seems to me that it could be a golden opportunity to perhaps become the best of friends all over again. Maybe in time the one that broke it off will see you in a different light and will come around to being open to a fresh start. That is if the one that wants that to happen, can control his desire for the other and put out of his or her head the possibilities and conduct him or herself in a way to not show jealousy or set boundaries to the other. At best, it would afford the opportunity for reconciliation. At worst it could hinder the one that did not want the breakup from growing out of love with the other. A risky situation for the one let go. But well worth the effort if the love, understanding and desire are more important then moving on. At best, it could in time mend a broken relationship. Somewhere in the middle is the possibility that both will simply grow to know that the friendship is all there is and can be happy with that. The one that did not want the breakup could in fact look at the one that did the breaking up in a different light and soon agree that it was best to end it and just be friends. It really depends on the reasons for the breakup and definitely the two people involves. No two people are alike. May work for some and others would not even consider it.
Would I try this with my latest heartbreak? Yes I would.
 Celticmist
Joined: 2/1/2005
Msg: 19
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:42:25 AM
I think it would depend on why we are ex's. Did we just drift apart because of lack of interests or different ideals? Was the relationship ended on a breach of trust or chicanery?

The ones where we drifted apart tend to remain my friends. The ones who breached my trust, even when they state they woud like to remain my friends, cannot be my friends - simple reason, I trust my friends.
 imalitltpot
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 20
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:45:02 AM
Since I wouldn't date someone I wouldn't choose to be friends with, of course this could happen. In fact, a few years ago I allowed an ex-boyfriend to move in with me for about 6 weeks so he could save up some money to get his own place. We did not sleep together (not that he didn't try....he is a guy afterall ). I also knew with this particular ex that we did not have a future together. I'm not sure how I would feel if it was someone I WANTED to be with......
 cdn*guy
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 21
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:42:13 AM
The thing with past lovers in my personal life is that they were all close friends at one point -- I'm the type that always makes friends first, before deeper intimacy. And after the break-up of the intimate part of the relationship, the close friends part of the relationship is still very much intact -- at least with me, anyway. It's not always the case with the women I've known, but I always keep my hand of friendship out there. I suppose it's mostly that when I see the end of an intimate relationship with someone I'm with, I usually try to approach ending it with some degree of sensibility, discussion and open communication. I really can't remember breaking up with anyone in anger -- at least, not since my teens. And thus, friendships that have already formed are much easier for me to keep.

This is just my way, and I know this. It doesn't work for everyone, and I know this too.

cdn guy
 Jim33903
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 22
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:22:07 PM
Do you think it is possible for a mature man and a woman who were in a romantic relationship at one time , to become good platonic friends, if both are in agreement that this is something they both want? Is it possible for the two people to cohabitate part time and become real buddies without the physical part, even though the physical part was great and both people are unattached, or would it get messy? but are both parties planning on staying unattached?
Has anyone had an experience like this, where neither really want to be traditional girlfriend and boyfriend because of outside factors, but really wish to keep in touch with the person and have them , their friendship , and spend time together as friends. Does this work,especially if there is still a very very strong attraction [u]on both sides,[/u] or is this just asking for a problem?

I got the both part about wanting to do this.
But does both partied plan on staying unattached to someone else?
You asked about the strong sexual feelings on both sides. I'm curious if it is only on one side. Meaning one side wants to renew or reconcile the relationship.
 cdn*guy
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 23
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/18/2008 12:57:00 PM
To respond directly to your opening post, Ms. Desert Wildflower -- my first post on here was mostly a response to the thread title -- my last serious relationship ended up much like you describe. We were (living) together about 5 years, the last 2 as platonic friends. At first, we were very close, very intimate, but made a mutual decision a few years (and a few dozen 'fights') later, that a "Forever Relationship" was not in the cards for us. Both our personal lives at the time of us dissolving the 'intimate' part of the relationship were such that staying living together in the same place as just 'close friends' would work out best for both of us -- if we could 'pull it off', of course. We shared a two-bedroom apartment, so we really tried to keep the 'living together' and, of course 'friendship' parts of the relationship intact.

We both realized the inevitable, that we would both (at some point) find somebody else to become intimate with. We sat down and talked about this -- and it was not an 'easy' talk, I might add -- and decided to keep that part of our lives away from each other and out of the home. In other words, we knew that there were wounds to heal, even if they were those of lost familiarity, so we decided that there would be no bringing the new boy/girlfriend home -- and no 'gushing' about the events of last Friday night to each other. This worked for us for 2 years -- mostly because neither of us was ready to become intimate with someone else. Had either of us moved on to someone else, I really can't see how we could have stayed living together as 'just friends'. And I really can't see how anyone could live with someone that they'd once been intimate with and bring home the new boy/girlfriend for the night. I know that some folks can do this and it doesn't really bother them, but I sure couldn't. My 'ex' and I were very careful to define the boundaries of our 'just friends, platonic, after the relationship' living arrangements. I would think, OP, that to not do that would definitely be, as you say, "just asking for a problem".

cdn guy
 Hike In The Woods
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 24
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 6:56:48 AM
It is possible to be good friends with past lovers. But if you and this person are such good friends and there is an attraction and you want to cohabitat, be prepared for the inevitable. Not being friends with a past lover should be the odd thing but unfortunately it isn't. Some people seem to need to feel anger or even hatred toward the past lover as part of the healing process.
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:21:40 AM
I've never had a serious relationship with someone I didn't like. And after the initial healing is done after the break-up, the like is still there. No big deal. It's just the way it works for me.


Same here, CDN. I am friends with every person I have ever loved in my life with only one exception. If the basis for a relationship is a solid friendship, why would you throw that away just because the romance did not work out? I personally don't get that.

Just me, I guess. And seeing Cdn's remaining posts, I'm reminded how I've missed the forums and the intelligence of some of my old friends as well ....
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