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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requiremen      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 4
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?Page 1 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
A fulfilling sex life is a wonderful bonus to a relationship but it isn't the main thing as far as I'm concerned. Two of my ex-husbands have been impotent and we worked around it. There are many things you can do to please your mate aside from intercourse. I would much rather we get along beautifully the majority of the time, when we are out of bed. That, to me, is the priority. Would great sex add to it? Hell, yes! But is it a deal breaker? Hell, no, not if I was in love with the man.
 classic-man
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 7
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:18:58 AM
Hello-OP

I have been single quite awhile - date periodically and always enjoyed sociallizing- I enjoy a females company imensically.

There are many contributions to a relationship where men and women are involved, the feeling of truthful companionship, the touch of the opposite gender, the ability to share on all levels of interest, the right to disagree respectively, the abiliity to agree and compromise and enjoy the diffrent points of views, the sharing of the kitchen - cooking together, the pleasure of common interest, the knowledge of sharing background and lifes stories,

HOPEFULLY THE POINT IS MADE HERE!

The sexual part is be earned/ gained along the way as a bonus to solidify the relationship if there is n element of love- sharing and concern or each other , it not always manditory.

I think the song "I an't as good as I once was - but am good once as I ever was" applies here-- age and maturity changes your libido sometimes!
ing and still enjoying
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 8
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:21:56 AM

It would be like if you went to sit in a restaurant but didn't order any food. (I do not just mean oral sex. It was a metaphor.)



Thanks Pau for getting my blood to flowing this morning.. great laugh..

I dated a guy with MS oh 10 or 12 years ago. I liked him a lot and we had great chemistry. But because of the MS the "other" was something that I could not expect over time. But that did not matter to me.. because there are other ways.. right??

What was important to me is that we had great desire for one another.... and the way he would look at me with those bedroom eyes.. melted me..

I thought he was hot!!! Wheel chair.. loss of feelings in his extremeties.. the whole package and I still wanted to be with him.

I can't see myself growing old with someone that I don't have desire for.. for me it is more about the desire than it is the sex.. I want my partner to look at me and want me whether he can do anything or not!!! (hehehe).. I want him to validate me as a desirable woman and appreciate the male female dynamics.. Besides if the act of copulation is not possible there are other ways..you know?? Imagination!!! that is what is fun.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 12
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:16:03 AM
Sex is something that is a unique feeling/sensation you share as a couple. It feels different (physically and emotionally) with nearly every partner. So, being in a relationship and experiencing the emotional, romantic and physical desire burning within the two of you while being in love makes this unique.... nobody else on the earth will feel the same as you do as a couple. It is exclusive......it's like a journey nobody else will ever experience and it should be travelled as a couple.

I find couples experiencing such a thing usually have a aura about them - it's apparent in the way they interact with each other no matter where they are..... I want that one day.


...What an awesome response.....so well thought out.... I certainly share those same thoughts and feelings ...only I could not have put it quite as eloquently as you have.
...maeflowers
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 13
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:42:33 AM
After being married most of my life ....... I found out (to my surprise) - I don’t especially like sex with strangers. This whole - being so weird (sex with someone I did not consider my girlfriend) that it was not worth it - really did make me think WTF - I could lose my guy card over this.

When I was a kid - sex on the first date ... no problem. Now ........... YUCK. That is if I already knew she would never by my girlfriend. That is something that I could tell in 15 minutes.

Back to the topic:

If I ever do have another girlfriend - there would be several things that got me (and her) to that point.

- I would want to touch her ...... touch her all over. If not - what would make her any different than anyone else? There is a bazillion females that I would have no urge - or interest in touching at all. I already found out (by accident) that sex with “some female” is pretty much worthless.

Sex in all forms is special. True couples are truly special to each other.

Friendship is friendship. Close friendship is even closer. Special is even more special. True couples are .......... close.

All my “stuff” still works. Maybe my answer / thoughts would be different if it did not still work.

Right now - I could not see myself calling a female a girlfriend without the special closeness. The closeness that I consider to be part of a real male / female relationship.

Yes I can live without sex. That in itself don’t mean a thing to me. Now that the shock (of realizing sex just for the hell of it is worthless) I am actually kind of glad I feel that way. Since I don’t have a girlfriend - knowing that hollow sex is nothing special - makes not having a girlfriend much easier.

Sex is easy easy easy to find - it is everywhere these days and I choose to ignore that fact - but ......

Right now - there is no way - no how that I would consider a gal my real girlfriend - that I did not want to touch .......... all over. Touching (all over) often leads to - the OPs definition of sex.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 17
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 12:25:41 PM
but honestly, I'm tired of dealing with the attitude and expectations. It's rarely fun and I already did enough hard & unpleasant things.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you mean theirs or years, I get a mixed message reading your post?
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 20
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:32:51 PM
((( ... appreciate how wonderful a woman can be when she is fully dressed and in a happy relationship. I, for one, have witnessed it and expeienced)))

That's the way I view the opposite sex. So I keep trying, taking care of my side of the street, flirting a little here and there. Wondering is "she" appropriate to flirt with, or send a few emails, make a come-on or to meet. The hard part is putting aside innate male instincts, and practicing socially desirable behavior towards the opposite sex.

However I can't imagine "falling in love" with a woman if it wasn't romantic. Otherwise, I'd get a male roommate.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 22
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 4:41:35 PM
I think physical attraction and sexual desire is important in a relationship at any age. As I step back into the dating pool after going cold turkey for 3 years, I feel the right person can help me get my groove back. If a guy expresses no interest in sex after he has gotten to know me, I have to assume he's just not that into me and he should be dating someone else. I already have really great (straight) platonic guy friends, my goal in dating is to find a lot more than that. If a guy wants to know even before the first date how a woman feels about sex and physical intimacy, and approaches the subject maturely, I hope that I can tell him "Be careful what you wish for" without judgement.
 tableguy
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 23
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 5:29:37 PM
shimbo, we all want to know, what would you do with a large pet
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 24
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:00:17 PM
Shimbo, you are in such a hurry to get to the center of the tootsie pop, that you have no idea how to enjoy the outside too and make it a longer lasting experience. You might just as well swallow the sucker whole. With your attitude, after a while aren't womens bodies pretty much interchangeable for you? I would say you can definitely save yourself a lot of time, and your victims a lot of trouble if you just purchase a life-like sex doll. You don't have to buy her dinner, listen to her talk, she'll never say no, and she won't have a sparkling personality for you to be overjoyed with. I have never used sex to get what I want from a man, and you are assuming that all women are manipulative, because they own the honey pot and are not letting you have a dip in it. You postings are drenched in angry bitterness and I'm surprised you are in the over 45 forum when you are as impatient as a pre-pubescent boy. Insisting on sex on the first date - no problem - date a hooker.

Shimbo said "You're the one that's being selfish by believing that I should be overjoyed simply by the presence of your sparkling personality. Women have learned to exploit men through the promise of sex and quite often they can not or will not follow through.
The more I read of PoF, the more convinced I am that it's a fairly widespread behavior.
Many women here who admit to no sex for years, sometimes decades at a time. If I had any common sense I'd insist on sex on the first date.
This would eliminate all the posers."
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 25
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:31:43 PM

I think the OP's premise is a little flawed in how she presents her point. Just for arguments sake lets substitute Salsa for Sex using the OP's premise. I don't have salsa every day and it has been quite a while since I had salsa. But when I get a nice hot basket of chips at my favorite Mexican restaurant I sure want salsa. Salsa and chips just go together. Using the OP's premise, since I have been without Salsa for so long I don't need Salsa when I have my chips. I like Salsa, but I don't just randomly eat Salsa. However, when I have chips I want Salsa. Makes sense doesn't it? Salsa equals sex and Chips being the relationship.


...This makes perfect sense to me. I too enjoy having salsa every now and again myself, and your right, you can't have chips without the salsa... geez, but I should caution you about something, be careful about the type of salsa you choose, some can be pretty hot & spicy....unless of course you like hot & spicy.

So yes, I would say if I was in a loving relationship I would definitely want the salsa... I mean the sex.

...maeflowers
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 27
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:22:20 PM
When I have sex alone, I like to be by myself (apologies to George Thoroughgood, and again for not knowing how to spell his name). It's like being lonely lying next to someone, I'm not lonely when I'm alone but if I'm with someone I don't want to feel alone. Sex is a chemical reaction when I'm close to someone I'm attracted to, I can't imagine having no sex at all but being in a relationship. I know people do it, I'm not one of those people.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 28
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/21/2008 9:54:52 PM
If you are looking for companionship may I recommend a pet.

I consider making love to be the best way to show someone the depth of your feelings for them, sure there is other ways it can be expressed but...nothing compares to total surrender to someone else
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 31
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/22/2008 7:01:50 PM

I mean you can have the best hot and spicy salsa (sex) in town but hot or mild, don’t most people need or want chips (relationship) to go with it? Without the chips (relationship) the salsa (sex) even the best kind just slides down your hand doesn’t it?? You could always add something to spice up the mild salsa (sex) if it really needed it but I think for many people if there were no chips (relationship) there wouldn't be much point in ordering any salsa (sex) anyway.



...I thought we had already established the fact that we had the chips (relationship) but no salsa (sex)....and what about the cheese? When I have the chips , I usually like to indulge and have the combination of cheese & salsa......when I want it a bit on the spicey side, I add hot sauce.

...maeflowers
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 33
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/22/2008 9:22:05 PM
^^^Hey you up there? How many times do you need to be told that Mexican food gives ya heartburn? Some boys will never learn!

OT: Hope I never have to find out what the OP is talking about. However, things are definately swinging that way so to speak!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 35
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/22/2008 10:46:17 PM
msg 58 I think the idea that because I may not be having sex without a relationship means I could have a good companionship relationship with a man without sex...doesn't make a lot of sense unless I don't have a problem with a friendship instead of a romantic relationship, and like many here, yes I would have a big problem with it. Oh I could say I wouldn't but the truth is, being alone while lying next to a man is much worse than being alone when I'm alone. I don't know about you but if I'm in love with this man and living with him or married to him, I'm going to want a sexual relationship with him. There are many ways to have sex even if all the parts aren't working, but I am going to want sex and not just some tossed my way to keep me quiet about it either, but a full on sexual relationships that satisfies us both. I have friends, I'm not looking for a friends only relationship and pretend it's something more.
 classic-man
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 38
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:49:05 AM
go back and read messages 10 and 12 and the last line of 67 but in between time enjoy all the salsa and chip with as possible because ---many a time it want last!!!!!!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 39
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/23/2008 12:45:28 PM

shimbo, we all want to know, what would you do with a large pet

Speak for yourself, I DON'T want to know.

I think shimbo is either a very badly damaged man who came to PoF to dream, or else he is a big fat troll.

To me, sex is part of the fabric of a relationship. This is not to say I would abandon a beloved spouse or partner were sexual performance issues to occur after the relationship had become a committment(emotionally). I don't demand worldshaking performance if his heart is in the right place, but to intentionally enter a sexless relationship? Maybe when I'm 101?
Cindy O
 classic-man
Joined: 9/9/2006
Msg: 42
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:25:34 PM
Hi Friendly lady

From a mans point of view I couldn't have said it any better kudos to you!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 44
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:46:45 PM

Whereas before, you didn’t even have kissing, hugging, handholding or whisperings of sweet nothings for quite a long time because you couldn’t find a great connection so in other words all or nothing?


Setting aside the couples who have been together a long time, and sex becomes a challenge, or just not possible, I hear time and again that when sex becomes a non starter, all the nonsexual and verbal affection goes away as well. I'm sure that's not set in stone for all couples, but it's something I've heard about a lot. And I've had what seemed to be great guys flake out on me because they had concerns about their ability to perform.

So, if you met someone that for some reason that was the only “challenge” or maybe the “challenge” crops up later does that mean you would just not bother at all or boot that someone out of your life simply because the sex may be “challenging

"Challenging" is considerably different than "impossible" or "has given up". And to "boot someone out of your life" if the "challenge" manifests after a loving relationship has been established would be a really rotten thing to do( nonetheless I hear oit happens every day).
But to enter into a relationship knowing that sex wasn't going to be happening? For me I don't think I could do that AT THIS TIME in my life. As long as I'm single, I'm still free to seek sexual gratification through a FWB type arrangement IF I SO CHOOSE,while I continue to seek that genuine good relationship.
To voluntarily sign up to never have sex again in my life? No thanks.
Cindy O
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 45
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:33:36 PM
how many relationships do you think there are where sex just quietly left one day and oh well, we still love each other and are so happy? Do you think someone who doesn't want to arouse you is going to hold your hand and kiss you lovingly? Why would I enter into a relationship where we were miles apart of what we desire in that relationship? I've dated a man with a low libido, it was ugly, he accused me of doing everything from trying to force him to have sex and by gawd he didn't have to, to being some slut who was probably screwing the whole town. Now we could have all kinds of sex all kinds of different way but he was resentful as hell about what his challenges were and that I had a normal healthy libido. He became abusive and the resentment could be cut with a knife. Look up mismatched libido sites online, not that many people are happy with it at all and all that kissing & hugging, not usually happening but if it is, it's just more sexual frustration.

I'm sure there is a man out there who would click with me and we could over come all the challenges, but we'd have to both want to. Just how challenged is a person who can't have any kind of sexual activity? Very few, mostly it's that the person doesn't want to have sex with you and if you think that won't get to you, you are kidding yourself. I don't know about you but I don't have an on/off button where if he's kissing me and hugging me then what, rolls over and goes to sleep? I'm not able to kid myself that I wouldn't be miserable. Why would I enter into a relationship, on purpose, knowing we are going to be at odds on something so intimate, so important in a relationship?

Being in a relationship already and working through things is not the same a thinking well I'm not having sex now, so why not have a sexless relationship. Why not have a V-8 instead? For me anyway, it would be much healthier. Please give me credit for knowing myself well enough to not go where I know I would not want to stay.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 47
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 7:20:40 AM

In my mind there is no such thing as a relationship between a man and a woman that does not involve sex of some kind, except perhaps the relationship between a brother and a sister.


Never been in a marriage or other VLTR, I see.....

As I have said before, sex is the fast route to a serious relationship, serious relationships tend to be the route to essentially sexless relationships.

It is a well known social science observation that the more stable and committed a relationship is, the less frequent the sexual interactions within the relationship. Its just the way we are made. It is quite the usual result of some threat to a LTR, such as infidelity, sickness, absence, or physical violence of some kind that sexual activity immediately increases in frequency and intensity. Its just not true that a deep loving caring relationship implies an active sex life, at least not in the average case.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 50
You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 12:27:06 PM

love is the main course and sex is the dessert.....

Life is uncertain, have dessert first!

I have difficulty seeing relationship type love sustaining without some form of sexual expression in most cases. But then maybe, like the song says..."I ain't that lonely yet..."
Cindy O
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 52
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 1:40:26 PM
Dave, I have read what you said and totally understand what you mean. Back when I
was married, I always felt so much closer to my ex after spending time being physical with each other. However, *sigh*, that faded away and I felt much more alone, disengaged from him so to speak. Found myself pining for that "physical" connection we once had, as most else was already lost at that time. To say that sex is the glue that holds things together? I think I would have to disagree on that one. In my case, it was pretty much all that was left and I remember at one point, thinking, OMG, even this has gone down the tube as I felt nothing at all when with him at the time. I truly believe that it is the "combination" of the emotional and the physical that keeps it together, keeps the parties close to each other. jmho
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 53
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You've been THIS long without sex, why is it still a solid requirement?
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:04:54 PM
Msg 81


As I have said before, sex is the fast route to a serious relationship, serious relationships tend to be the route to essentially sexless relationships.

It is a well known social science observation that the more stable and committed a relationship is, the less frequent the sexual interactions within the relationship. Its just the way we are made. It is quite the usual result of some threat to a LTR, such as infidelity, sickness, absence, or physical violence of some kind that sexual activity immediately increases in frequency and intensity. Its just not true that a deep loving caring relationship implies an active sex life, at least not in the average case.


Can you cite me the studies done on this that came up with these findings, I can't find any.
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