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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Double Whammy      Home login  
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 1
Double WhammyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
A couple of months ago the woman that I loved dearly walked out of my life. Came home from work one day and she, along with all of her possessions, were gone. Needless to say, it devestated me and sent me into a major tailspin. I had never felt such a loss and still haven't done much healing from that experience.

Two days ago, Jake, my companion of fifteen years, died from a heart attack. He was the most incredible Jack Russell terrier I have ever seen. The grief I am experiencing now is intolerable and am having a very difficult time making it from hour to hour. I feel completely dead inside and wonder if I will ever be able to feel love again whether it be for another woman or another pet. I am way too sensitive for my own good.

At this time I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel or even the faintest ray of hope. Depression does really strange things to the mind. God willing, as time passes I will be able to recover enough to actually feel again.

How the hell do I seperate the grief of one event from another? Do I allow the tears to continue to continue or do I try to suppress them and attempt to move on with everyday life not allowing my emotions to control me? What is the best way to deal with this much grief?
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 2
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:11:05 PM
There isnt an easy answer.

2006 was the worst year of my life. On June 27th, I lost my dad suddenly. He was fine that morning.....a few hours later, he was dead. On July husband and I lost his son to a fatal car accident. And then in December....a week before Christmas, my stepdaughter and I were decorating the Christmas husband came home not feeling well. 911 was called....but they didnt get there in time....he died with his head on my lap.

I remember many of nights when I just layed there and cried...and cried. Never quite sure who I was crying for. But I had to let it out.

So just cry. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Don't do the What if's.....don't blame yourself. But just grieve. It will get easier, I promise!
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 7/2/2006
Msg: 3
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:15:21 PM
One second at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, or as much as you can manage.

I am hoping you've got good family and friends around you to listen and talk with; someone who'll just simply sit and listen and allow you to talk all you need.
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 4
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:18:03 PM
There is no seperation, grief is grief. You are entitled to grieve. You just experienced two deaths, the death of your realtionship, and the death of your dog. It's the same kind of pain. My heart goes out to you. One good thing, is that you're talking about it. Don't bottle it up inside, let it go. If you bottle it up and let it stew and sit, it will come out of you in one way or another, and when you least expect it. You've got alot of healing to do, first is first, don't try to get into another relationship until you have dealt with this one, come to terms with things and had some closure. You need time to heal your heart.
Find someone that you can talk with, confide in, and let it out. If you are a praying man, ask God to give you some wisdom, understanding, and most importantly forgiveness. When the time comes, you gotta forgive her, not for her own good, but for YOUR own good. I hope this helps you, and I feel your pain. If you ever need to talk, send me a message...
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 5
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:20:14 PM
Do some public service work. Get your mind off of yourself and find ways to help others. Fastest way out of depression to see the need of others and to help them solve their problems. Works like Gangbusters.
 Inquisitive Gal
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 6
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:20:40 PM
Been there. There isn't an easy answer. There is really no answer. I tried to email you but I'm in Canada. Anytime you want to talk, email me okay? I know you've heard it before...time heals all wounds. A friend of mine once said...the man who made time..made to much of it! Hang in there kid. You sound alot like me.
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 7
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Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:25:21 PM
I am usually witty, or wise, or sometimes, just a smart-a$$. I wish I could be any of those things right now, but I can't. I don't have the words to tell you how to feel better. I'm not sure you'll feel better for a long time.

This is why I almost hate these dam* computers. I can't reach out to touch you, or to hold you, or to tell you to hang in there. All I can do is write some trite words that won't help.

I'm so sorry.
Joined: 3/28/2006
Msg: 8
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Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:31:21 PM
Oh gee, I sure know what you are going through with the loss of a pet after everything else. It just seems like life is beating up on you. I can tell you that it will get better with time but that is small consolation right now. I know that it sounds callous but get another pet as soon as you can. You have all this love to give and nowhere for it to go.
The woman you can't replace and in that instance you should take your time to heal but there is a little animal out there that needs someone to care for him or her and you might not think that you are ready to love anything but the minute that you hold it in your arms and bury your face in it's fur, you will be able to let your heart go to it. I mean it, rush out to the shelter or breeder and get somebody. If you can't go that far just yet, voluteer at the shelter for a while just so you can get and give cuddles. Good luck to you.
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 9
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:34:03 PM
Like the saying goes you just gotta keep on keepin on. A few years ago my grandfather past away, then one of my best friends since 5th grade went to, and then the girl I had been seeing for the past year broke up with me, all in a span of about 3 months. Bad things happen, it's a fact of life. Relationships end, dogs move on the the great beyond, and gum always seems to be on the sidewalk in front of you.

The best way to deal with the grief is to just do what you can, when all that happened to me I started really getting into paintballing, now it's progressed to almost more than a hobby so I guess I can say something good came from my depression. At the time I also became closer to some of my friends and have formed even deeper bonds than what I had before all of that happened.
 Inquisitive Gal
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 10
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 5:39:48 PM
Cry, yell, punch a pillow, blare loud music..just let it out. Don't keep it all bottled up. when my parent's died a neighbour of mine told me not to keep it all bottled up cos that's what she did when her husband died. So I did. Still do if I'm hurt. Yell at the person in the express lane that has 25 items instead of 8, when you just have 1 or 2 items. It helps and they move pretty quick lol. Hurt, hurts..big time. I'm just starting to get over alot of hurt myself. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I had a 17 yr. old terrier that sucummed to cancer a long time ago. He was all I had when my parent's died. I now have a 13 1/2 yr. old border collie aussie cross who has survied 2 bouts of cancer. Will I get another dog agian when she goes...nope. But I will bring one in to foster from the SPCA or work with a puppy to socialize with the seeing or hearing impaired? Yes. Hang in there guy. I'm now off to check my email. I have an email from a guy I think is an okay one. Best of luck. Email me anytime.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
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Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:13:03 PM
Sorry for your loss (the Dog not the woman) good friends are difficult to replace. Be happy knowing that you gave a dear animal a very loving home and a good life.
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 12
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:21:17 PM
You really have had a rough couple of months-I'm very sorry.
Please allow yourself to grieve and cry, it really does cleanse the soul.

Each day you will become a little stronger, you will accomplish something you couldn't the day before.

Believe it or not, someday you will be able to think of your beloved pet with smiles instead of tears....

I wish you all the best, and remember there IS a light at the end of EVERY tunnel~
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 13
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:26:38 PM
OP, I am so sorry. You need to grieve for both, and particularly for the loss of your dog. I have found that when I feel like crying and it's not a convenient place or time, I say to myself that I will let go at a specified time. Then, I do it. I cry, wail, get it out and it helps until I need to do it again. Cry as much as you need to -- it is cathartic.

I agree with the other poster than as soon as you feel like, you could adopt another dog or pay visits to the animal shelter. So many dogs and cats are in need of loving attention and good homes, and you have a LOT of love to give.

Spoken from a zeeba who dearly loves her spoiled, self-centered cat...
Joined: 7/17/2007
Msg: 14
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 7:35:02 PM
While life sometimes is very difficult...We are not through with you just yet! Your heart and compassion someday will be that lighthouse for that special person or special friend in their hour of need and the storm they endure. As i've aged i've come to realize.... of the seven days a week there are just two days i no longer have to worry about! yesterday and tomorrow! Hang in there and someday you can help someone recover in the hour of need! We need each other!

May the forest be with you!
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 15
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:22:01 PM
I believe that you have to deal head on with you losses or you will never recover from them. If you bottle it all up and repress it then one day you will just explode. One thing that might help you is to talk to your doctor about going on antidepressants for awhile. They might help you to deal better with what you are going through. When I lost my son I thought that the grief was going to kill me but I realized that I needed to deal with it so I set aside a certain amount of time each day to wallow in my grief and despair (in the beginning it was an hour) and I would just sit on the floor of his bedroom and cry my heart out, but just for that hour and then I would stop crying and try to live a normal day. After awhile I would use the drive home from work to do my crying.

Don't think about how you will get through it or how long it will take. That is like trying to do all of your suffering at once and it hurts that much more. Just take things in whatever increments you can take them in, a minute, an hour, a day.

Lastly there are support groups and counseling that can help you. Time does not heal all wounds but with time you do feel better and life begins to regain a sense of normalcy.
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 16
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:37:41 PM
1948Great, you let the tears keep time they will stop even if you are still sad inside. It's okay to grieve.....

and yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel....just take it one day at a time now....
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:37:57 PM
Google grief, there is a great deal of information available. You can recognize what you are going through and get some perspective on how to allow yourself to go through the stages but still function with work and other things that must be done from day to day. There are some stages that are normal to go through and of course you need to recognize that you have been hit doubly hard.

Sometimes we need to be alone and sometimes we turn to religion or friends and family. Having someone to touch base with that can goose you a bit if you spend too much time alone is a good idea. You can also look for grief support groups that allow you to talk to people that have gone through or are dealing with the same thing.

I am sorry for both your losses and it is a good thing that you are trying to figure out how to get through things, shows that you care about yourself and you'll get through this.
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 18
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 8:48:26 PM
And i think one of the hardest things about losing a pet is nobody really understands.

You lose a parent, spouse or any other family member......people are rushing up to try to comfort you. But when its just a pet.....for the most part, they don't.
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 19
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:54:37 PM
I chose to not mention that I have no family to talk with so I thought I could get some solid advice from this forum. I must say that I am very touched by all of your responses and so appreciative of your words. The last few days have perhaps been the toughest of my life and it is so refreshing to see so many people genuinely care for their fellow human being. Thank you. So many of you have also suffered tremendous losses so your perspectives are of great value. One hour at a time..........
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 20
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:56:07 PM
No problem man, a lot of time it feels lke you're the only one that has ever been through the shit. Some times it's just nice to know people have been there and done that.
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 21
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Double Whammy
Posted: 6/26/2008 5:31:23 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.Just remember that you gave this little dog a happy life and you know he loved you :)
Joined: 5/21/2008
Msg: 22
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/26/2008 5:50:12 PM
This too shall pass.
Hang in there
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 23
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/26/2008 5:55:37 PM
hi ; you should get some 12 step books and join a greavance group , ask around hospitals nursing homes etc -- good luck !
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 24
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:22:52 PM
In 2003 my now ex cheated on me after 25 years of marriage, and I never saw it coming. Even though I divorced him I continued to love him for the next 4 years because to me he was my soul mate, someone I had spent half of my life with. Like all the other people on here are telling you time is if nothing else a great healer. I took one day at a time, just kept putting one foot in front of the other, then one day I realized I hadn't thought about him at all that day, nor any day after that. Get out, volunteer, be a big brother, be a mentor, be anything to take your mind off your loss. Good luck and the best to you.
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 25
Double Whammy
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:24:35 PM
In 2003 my now ex cheated on me after 25 years of marriage, and I never saw it coming. Even though I divorced him I continued to love him for the next 4 years because to me he was my soul mate, someone I had spent half of my life with. Like all the other people on here are telling you time is if nothing else a great healer. I took one day at a time, just kept putting one foot in front of the other, then one day I realized I hadn't thought about him at all that day, nor any day after that. Get out, volunteer, be a big brother, be a mentor, be anything to take your mind off your loss. Good luck and the best to you.
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