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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone? [CLOSED FOR REVIEW]      Home login  
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 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 1
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone? [CLOSED FOR REVIEW]Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
If not in a relationship but just dating or casually beginning a relationship, if the girl you're involved with rather then going out to bars or clubs goes out alone sometimes because she's content being alone and just loves to dance, could you trust her?

I really need honest opionions here from guys. I understand some guys are or say to be so self confident that they would have 0 problems with this but for most guys, would this be an issue?

I sincerely have no interest in meeting anyone when I go to a local club but do love to dance and enjoy the music and atmosphere but while it seems some guys say they're ok with it, it quickly becomes clear they really aren't. I will often stay till closing (2 am) because I am having a great time but also feel safer leaving there alone to get to my car once the cops come around at closing time.

Would this be an issue for many men or is it just the ones I've been meeting? I've never been caught cheating as I've never cheated on a guy I was dating and am 100% loyal as soon as mutual interest is evident. I don't even date or meet other men if there's mutual interest with one.

I would never pass up a date with a guy I'm with to do it and I'd welcome him to come along if he wanted but if I happen to be alone for the night and feel like going, is it such a bad thing to most men?
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 2
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:12:31 AM
It depends on her motives. You say that she's going because she's content being alone yet she's going to a place with an abundance of people, that doesn't add up what so ever.

What's her true motivation? Is it because she doesn't mind going alone which is completely different than "being alone." Is it that she enjoys dancing while her guy doesn't? How about going with her girlfriends and dancing with them?

Answers can go either way but it all depends on her being honest with the reason she's chooses to go alone.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 3
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:19:59 AM
Cmonster - I'm speaking of myself, wasn't sure how else to phrase the subject title. "Can you trust me?" lol.

I go if I have no other plans, friends are busy, I'm not in a relationship or the guy has other plans and just want to go dance and have no hangups about going alone. I'm also the first one to physically push a guy away if necessary if he moves in and touches me or starts grinding, etc.

I'm just having a good time, people watching, love to dance, enjoy the atmosphere and don't mind going out alone if I have no other plans.

If he wanted to go with me, I'd be all for it but most guys my age don't. Still, I wouldn't go if he was free and wanted to do something else, even just veg out. But if he's busy, is it so bad that I go out and have a good time alone rather then sitting around bored if my motivation and intentions are sincere? Not so much asking if it is as if it's something most guys could handle or something maybe I really need to curtail doing if interested in a guy and he has an issue with it.
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 4
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:33:01 AM

If not in a relationship but just dating or casually beginning a relationship


^^^Ummm... which one is it?
If you are "beginning" a relationship.... I am under the impression you are destroying the relationship.

Going to bars alone while trying to establish a relationship tell s me you do not concrn yourself with building trust in a relationship. Which, in turn, tells me you are not ready to commit to a relationship.



I will often stay till closing (2 am) because I am having a great time but also feel safer leaving there alone to get to my car once the cops come around at closing time.


^^^ I wouldn't accept that kind of reasoning, it doesn't make any sense. Are you staying that late because of the environment (red flag) or because of the cops (an excuse)? Can't be both.

It would be difficult trying to put a good spin as to why my potential g/f is in a bar alone for the entire evening..... regularly. Given the type of dancing that is going on in the clubs, I couldn't see anything good coming from it.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 5
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:46:43 AM
^^^Ummm... which one is it?
If you are "beginning" a relationship.... I am under the impression you are destroying the relationship.

Going to bars alone while trying to establish a relationship tell s me you do not concrn yourself with building trust in a relationship. Which, in turn, tells me you are not ready to commit to a relationship.


I am concerned about building trust which is why I'm asking. I'm more then ready to commit to a relationship at this point in my life but have yet to meet really the right one I guess? The last one that was dating/turning into a relationship, had little to no free time to go out which I was ok with and he'd said he didn't have an issue with me going out alone rather then sitting home bored if he couldn't go out. But now I'm wondering if he just said he was ok with it but really wasn't. I had also said he was welcome to call, text or join me anytime if he felt like it and told him exactly where I would be as I don't have anything to hide.

At this point, I'm wondering if to potential new men, at the initial dating stage, if it would be a huge turn off.


^^^ I wouldn't accept that kind of reasoning, it doesn't make any sense. Are you staying that late because of the environment (red flag) or because of the cops (an excuse)? Can't be both.


Why can it not be both and why would you think I would lie about my reasons here? I truly enjoy the environment and definitely feel safer leaving to get to my car alone once there are alot of cops around at closing time.

By the way, I'm not trying to be argumentative here with you or anyone else. I'm trying to understand how a guy would really see it but at the same time am being 100% honest with you.

I'm a single mom who for alot of reasons, biggest one being -ex not visiting or having overnights with his children at all for over a year, taking time off from relationships, financial, etc. didn't really go out at all for almost 2 years so I'm enjoying it right now until the right guy comes along. At the same time, I am wondering if it can sabotage the potential for a relationship or if there are guys who could really understand this and have that kind of trust.
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 6
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:59:55 AM

If he wanted to go with me, I'd be all for it but most guys my age don't. Still, I wouldn't go if he was free and wanted to do something else, even just veg out. But if he's busy, is it so bad that I go out and have a good time alone rather then sitting around bored if my motivation and intentions are sincere? Not so much asking if it is as if it's something most guys could handle or something maybe I really need to curtail doing if interested in a guy and he has an issue with it.

Most people wouldn't consider dancing a dealbreaker but if it's important to you, why not date a guy who enjoys dancing too? Sure they may not be in abundance but if it's important to you why not consider it? It would be more conducive to a healthy relationship if the two of you could share experiences which could be considered intimate instead of each person going into their nutral corners alone.

Could I handle it? Wouldn't have to, I still enjoy going to danceclubs. Now ask me if I'd get into a relationship with a woman who didn't care for danceclubs.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 7
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 10:34:31 AM

It also says something to me if she does not seek out other men while there.


I wish more guys had that perspective and understood that. I not only do not seek them out but will actively even push them away as the last thing I want is some drunk guy in a club looking to get laid. I just want to dance and enjoy being out.

When I am approached by any guy in a club, I make it 100% clear I have 0 interest as I honestly don't if I'm already interested in someone else, that's where my heart and mind are even if I can't be with him at the time. Why consider another if you're happy with what you have?

Cmonster- If I ever meet a guy near my age around here who actually enjoys clubs, likes to dance, wants to go and we're compatible, I'd be in heaven but I have yet to meet even one that's interested in going to a club.

But again, I would never choose to go to a club alone over spending time with the guy I cared about even if we just vegg'd out and did nothing all night.
 jd28spot
Joined: 6/22/2006
Msg: 8
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:08:35 AM
This certainly wouldn't be an issue for me.........I've had my fill of going to bars or clubs but if she wanted to go alone or with her friends, have fun, enjoy yourself and be sure to call me to come pick you up if you're too drunk to drive home!
 mikethree
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:47:33 PM
First off, I am totally not a jealous or possessive person when in a relationship. ( I used to encourage my ex to lunch with her former fiancee, since they were attending the same school. I also had no problem with her male friend who admitted a desire for her. ) I feel that all we ever have is each other's word anyway. I would never try to curtail any hobby that was important to my girl, and I think that our continuing growth and health should definitely include seperate interests.
Now, with that disclaimer out of the way, yeah even I object to the club a little bit. Especially in the "beginning a relationship" stage of things. At a later point, when we are more established, I'd feel mostly ok about you going out with the girls. Going alone adds to the uneasiness.
I think it is important that you are honest with yourself about why you "enjoy the atmosphere". The music and atmosphere of a club is sensual, arousing. There is a barely contained sexuality. Hungry men and barely covered women. Part of the enjoyment for the women is the confirmation of their desireability. Dancing is a display. Effectively it is a preliminary mating ritual. Repeatedly "pushing away" guys does wonders for one's self esteem. I'm not necessarily condemning that, BTW. It's hot when other guys want my girl. Gets her all steamy and I reap the rewards.
Most of us have been in a club. We know that it is a meat market. The club is for cheap thrills mostly. Going there means that you are at least "window shopping" and maybe enjoying the temptations of all the flirting men.
When you add alcohol to the already tempting environment, impulsive, regretful things happen. I'm not some Don Juan, but on the rare events where I find myself in a club, I've had more than a few occurences of finding out that the woman who just hooked up with me was married or "monogamous". Sometimes their friends have to pull them away and remind them of their situation.
Ok I know I'm being long winded. I could sum up my thoughts by saying that adding this stressor to a new monogamous relationship is pretty much sabotaging it. If he is not worried about it then he probably just wants things to be casual and thereby keep himself available to other women too.
 Ferruginous
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 10
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:06:55 PM
I wouldn't be considering casually beginning a relationship with someone, if I didn't trust her.
So, I'd likely trust her going out alone.

But,
If she's in her mid 30s, and her idea of "going out alone", is to go to clubs until closing, then I'm likely not interested in her at all.
My lack of interest will have nothing to do with trust, or lack of trust. My lack of interest in her will be due to the fact she likely doesn't have anything in common with me.
I'm pretty sure that I'd have much more in common with a woman who has no interest in "the club scene" or at least grew out of it in her 20s.
 776877
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 11
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:32:01 PM
OP-Sounds like you need more than an average amount of attention, isn't that why you really go to the club? After all who likes to pay for the valet/parking, the wait,the entrance fee, the overpriced drinks.....
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 12
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:23:15 PM
First, I also want to say that if I was getting into a relationship with a guy beyond very casual dating, I have in the past and would in the future ask if he's ok with it as I wouldn't go if he had a real issue with it. I guess it would be up to him to be honest about his feelings on it. What I'm trying to feel out is if a guy would really be honest about how he felt or be afraid I would think he was the insecure or jealous type if he opposed. Also, if it would potentially turn off a guy who could have relationship potential.

To the two posters above,

1. I don't drink while dancing, as it's too dehydrating just as caffeine as which I avoid the nights I go also. So cost of drinks is also not an issue, my only cost is overly generous tips for glasses of ice water to from the bartenders.

2. There is no valet so it basically comes down to a cheap $5 to get in plus my water tip money. There's also no wait as this isn't some insanely popular NY club but just a local place.

As for why I go, I stated why I do so a few times. Now do I enjoy the attention to a degree, who wouldn't enjoy a bit of it? I'm human and I'm a Leo. But is it my main reason for going? I can honestly say no. Losing my inhibitions due to drink isn't an option as I'm not drinking while there purely because of the dehydration.

I dance alone and yes, I dance like no one's watching, just like I'll sing along to a song I love like no one is listening because I'm enjoying it, not because I can sing, I don't think I can sing for shit. But I can dance and enjoy it immensely.

I don't take any pleasure in having some guy I don't know bumping, grinding into me or slipping his hands onto me while simultaneously splashing his beer on me and stepping on my feet so yes, I will forcefully if necessary push him away. The others I just make it clear to with a shake of my head or a hand that I want to be left alone.

I love running into other people who can dance and people watching as I mentioned. Seeing couples who dance wise are incompatibly compatible and having a great time makes me smile.

I can honestly say that for me personally, it's probably a much lower risk when I go alone then when I go with friends. When in the company of friends, there's more of a safety factor and I'm not there as much purely to dance so then I may have a few drinks. I watch plenty of other girls there hooking up, flirting with guys while with their group of friends and often exchanging numbers or leaving with the guys while the friends are back there trying to stop her because she does have a BF.

For me, it's half people watching while non stop dancing and if I can't be with my guy to get a physical stress relief at that hour, wouldn't a man prefer his girl get it through dancing (alone) then with another guy? Dancing (alone) can give me almost the same amazing physical feeling as sex. The stress relief is amazing and just leaves me feeling great.

For those that make assumptions as to my character or other lifestyle choices or whether I would have anything in common with people who don't enjoy clubs, I'd say you're quite mistaken. Enjoying going to a club for a few hours a week I don't think is a clear indication of someone's total interests, life or personality. If you really read my other posts or profile, I think you'd see that pretty clearly. While I may not be the afternoon tea type, I'm far from what most would consider a "club girl" type.

Please understand, I'm not pointing all of these things out because I'm offended as I truly am not. I wanted honest opinions and love that you guys are giving them. I also kind of hope that if your girlfriend/wife goes out like that, just maybe you'll consider that it's not for the "wrong" reasons?
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 13
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:33:02 PM
Nicegirl4love - Honestly, I think my body language alone speaks louder then words when it comes to guys bothering me in a bar.

An ex-BF of mine once wanted to "test" it and see what happens when I go into a bar alone. Reality is, if I'm not interested at all in meeting a guy and not open to it, I'm not giving off the same sexual signals I would when with or around my guy. He noticed during his little "test" that there were alot of guys looking over but rarely did one approach at all. It's all about posture, body language, where your eyes are focused, etc.

I think it's much like the way some men have noticed that no women really pay attention to them when they're single but if they're with a woman, seems other women can't stop checking them out. I think it's at least partly because they're giving off a different aura that's attractive to women.

I think it's hard enough for alot of men to approach a woman but when she's giving off very clear signals that she's totally disinterested in meeting someone, would the men here not agree that they are even less likely to approach?

The ones who do are usually so drunk, they'd be dumb enough to approach the girl with the 6' foot guy standing beside her who's clearly "with" her.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 14
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:56:37 PM

As mentioned above, you aren't dancing alone in a club for long (or can you actually dance by yourself for 3 hours straight???


Yes I can and if it wouldn't be dangerous to post where I go, I'd say to stop by unexpectedly and see me do it sometime just to make my point that it is possible and is exactly what I do.

I can also honestly say that there is nowhere I don't feel ok with going alone and do also go to the beach, museums, hiking, restaurants, vacations; pretty much whatever I feel like doing that day or night and have no hang ups about doing it and have a great time.

Would I prefer the company of someone I really care about? Of course, most of the time tho there are times when I just like to be alone. Don't we all? But if I was involved with a guy, my first step would always be to ask him to join me and if he chose not to, I'd leave the invitation open for him to stop by if he felt like it later and let him know exactly where I would be.

Right now I am single but I'm asking about when dating a guy or getting into a relationship. When I'm strictly single, it's not for anyone to say in my opinion.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 15
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:05:40 PM
I would be more concerned with the safety factor than a woman cheating on me at a bar or club. I would want a woman to trust me when I go to a bar or a club. Therefore trust should be a 2 way street.
 Ferruginous
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 16
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 6:06:36 PM

For those that make assumptions as to my character or other lifestyle choices or whether I would have anything in common with people who don't enjoy clubs, I'd say you're quite mistaken. Enjoying going to a club for a few hours a week I don't think is a clear indication of someone's total interests, life or personality. If you really read my other posts or profile, I think you'd see that pretty clearly. While I may not be the afternoon tea type, I'm far from what most would consider a "club girl" type.
I think this paragraph may have been a response to my post, (maybe others posts as well).
I would like to try to clarify my point of view. Hopefully without veering the thread far off it's intended topic.

I certainly wasn't intending to make assumptions about the OP's character.

But as for the comment I made, that people who enjoy clubs wouldn't have anything in common with me: I stand behind that comment, and I'll try to elaborate on it.
When I stated that I'm not interested in such a person, I maybe should have said, more accurately, that the club girl is likely the one who is not interested in me.

I'm a person who would much rather spend a Friday or Saturday night sitting at home reading, or playing on my computer. I'm quite certain that the person who enjoys going to a club, a few hours a week, would find this part of me to be a very boring person, who she'd have little interest in getting to know.

Also, the girl who stays at the club until closing, would likely find my "morning person" lifestyle to be somewhat annoying. I assume that the person staying in the club until closing is not at all interested in the person who eagerly awakes at 6:00 AM, even on the weekends.



I am kind of curious,
if a woman was actually interested in beginning a relationship with someone: wouldn't she be better off trying to spend a weekend evening with that guy, trying to get to know him a little better; rather than leaving him to go dancing by herself?

Is this a sign that she's not really interested in him anyways?
or
Is it a sign that her few hours a week at the club will always remain important to her?
If those club nights will always remain important to her, I think it is an indicator that she won't be a suitable match for the guy who never goes to a club.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 17
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:01:56 PM
Ferruginous - Interesting reply on the topic of what the interests of a girl who enjoys clubs might have in common with you.

It might surprise you to know that I also love to read, stay in watching movies, fish, boating, garden, hike, am outdoors whenever possible and have a variety of interests including online games such as WoW. But I also really, really love to dance.

You do have a solid point with the hours part as I am not now nor have I ever been a morning person tho I don't mind if my SO is unless it's an issue for him if I'm not waking up with him. I was in the restaurant business most of my life so am accustomed to being a night owl.


I am kind of curious,
if a woman was actually interested in beginning a relationship with someone: wouldn't she be better off trying to spend a weekend evening with that guy, trying to get to know him a little better; rather than leaving him to go dancing by herself?


As I mentioned a few times above, I would only go if he was unavailable to go out or just felt like spending time alone. He naturally would come first on a weekend evening. I also mentioned that if it was a serious relationship and it bothered him alot, I would give up my occasional club night before giving him up. I'll dance naked in the bedroom instead.

 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:25:06 PM
To the OP:

My question is this... if all you're going out for is to dance (and that is absolutely all you're going out for. No questions, no exceptions), then why do you need to go out to a club? Why not just blast your stereo at home and dance in your living room?
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 19
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:44:09 PM
Oh I do, almost everyday. I also do DDR as one of my forms of excercise.

Reason for clubs is as I mentioned - I also enjoy people watching, the atmosphere, energy of it, live music when they have it and just going out for the night.

Kind of like when I was in my late teens, would go to house parties and just kind of hang back, not drinking or anything and just observing people. I find it fascinating. It's like the old saying "The world is a stage", I find it entertaining, much more so then tv because it's real.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 20
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 8:35:00 PM

LMAO still shopping for drunk males at your age? seriously asking me to believe this


Um no, could honestly care less about your opinion, what you think of me or what I do as you and your profile totally discount my respect for your thoughts.

I'm thinkin the anonymous drunken male would likely be a better catch then you tho...
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 21
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:36:47 PM
Harvey, I'm sorry you were cheated on and then also watched a friend have to deal with a wife with a hell of a lot of problems. However, you asked me very specific questions earlier in the thread and even tho I addressed each of them with honest answers, you obviously still to choose to ignore what I write and continue to hold against me what others have done.

Now, if you're making assumptions about me, someone who has no reason to lie or mislead you, I can only wonder how you could trust a woman you actually cared about ever again.

Do you not get it that I am single right now, not dating anyone and have no reason to be anything but honest here about what I do and why I choose to do what I do? I'd really love to know what possible motives you think I could have to lie in an internet forum.

Now if you were to say "hey, I read it all but if it was me and that was my girl, no way would I believe or trust her", ok cool, That's your opinion and I respect that. Why you choose to accuse me of lying to you when I have absolutely nothing to gain by doing so is beyond me tho and kind of sad.

Anyway, thanks for your reply, didn't really help with my original question but answered some other questions I've been pondering about human nature.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 22
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:37:26 AM

her? yes other men? not a chance


Canadianstud - I hear this so often but what does that really mean to a guy? I've heard repeatedly "It's not you that I don't trust, it's other guys because I know what they're after.." or something along those lines.

If the woman isn't interested, why is this even a point? Would you not want your g/f going to the grocery store because there will be other men there checking her out, possibly flirting? If a woman really wanted to cheat, it could happen anywhere, anytime.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 23
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:09:53 AM
I'm not sure I know how to answer that one. I don't feel like I have anything in common with women who go to clubs. I see clubs as an intellectual wasteland. so I probably wouldn't date a woman for whom going out to clubs is a big deal. Aside from that, I think most men (me included) would think, ``clubs are a place people go to look for sex, so if you aren't looking for sex, why are you going? '' I guess that means it is a bad thing to most men with respect to the women they are dating.
 _Red_
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 24
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:30:43 AM
Why don't you ask HIM what he would think about it?
Actually me---- I have never met anyone at a bar I would consider as a future partner in life---so I would say:::: go if you must


Because there is no HIM at the moment. When there is one, I ask how they feel about it but I've also realized some guys are not always totally upfront about whether or not it bothers them as they don't want a woman to think they're controlling. I don't see it as controlling and if the guy was that uncomfortable with it, I just wouldn't go.

I've never met anyone at a bar or club either and have no intention of doing so, it's not why I go. If a guy has had even a couple drinks in him, I have no idea who I'm really meeting till he's sober so why bother even considering it?
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 25
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History
Can you trust if she goes to clubs alone?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:32:52 AM
It's usually when your not looking that you find something. I don't think its a good idea and I'm sure its fine for some women but experience tells me its also not for many. Temptation is strong with a few drinks and a little dirty dancing....
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