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 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 3
The instant chemistry demandPage 1 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
Are you looking for that "first 5 minute fireworks" and is it a total showstopper if its not there that quickly?


IMO many women ( not all or most ) do expect instant chemistry. For example one time I met a woman for 5-10 minutes. Then she claimed that there was no chemistry. I realize that "no chemistry" can be a code phrase for "lack of attraction". I also realize that people can look better / worse in person than they do in a pic. But I sent her a recent photo of myself and she said that I was attractive. I doubt a person who is reasonably attractive in a recent photo would be ugly in person. IMO if someone loses interest in you because there wasn't instant chemistry within 5-10 minutes of meeting, then you are probably better off without that person anyways. Because obvious dealbreakers and physical attraction, how much you can determine about another person that quickly.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 4
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:21:39 AM
Dallas, read any Harville Hendrix? He posits an interesting and rather compelling model of
the development of the human psyche, and how it "pre-wires" or sets a "template" in our brain which then becomes the primary filter used to determine mate suitability, nearly
instantly, at first sight. Derived from "imago dei" for the latin "in the image of"...

I believe the real chemistry we seek (aside simply from "evolutionary" procreative/hormonal "lust" based physicality's )
is a subconscious and immediate "switch". We may not know what we like, but when we SEE
her (or him)...its ALL SYSTEMS GO! lol.

There are times the rational mind takes over...and we do NOT pursue the ONE who flipped our switch, (maybe her husband is a linebacker?), or there is some other major deal breaker that presents some time later. But we will see HER again...and again. The physical traits (appearance, demeanor, carriage, sound...etc...and esp SMELL ) all play a role. The sense of smell particularly, as it is the only human physical sense that is not pre-processed through the brain stems hippocampus, but travels straight to the cerebral cortex. Confounding THAT...is pheromones...and artificial scents. Ever notice...how a certain sometimes unidentified odor..evokes powerful and vivid memories? Studies with smells bear this out...

And there are likely other times...we miss the signal, preoccupied with some more pressing survival task (saber tooth tiger at the cave mouth?)

In other words, it behooves us to give it some time....reassess, and increase the pool of potentials...before ruling any individual in or out summarily.
 EdwardPartSix
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 5
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:24:36 AM
Attraction can certainly develop over time. However, it is difficult for that to develop in an online dating site, where it only makes sense to see each other if you are attracted to each other to begin with.
 ~1happywoman~
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 9
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 11:51:53 AM
I don't know about that sense of smell thing being all that reliable - I met my partner as he was traveling back to the depot in a tanker truck. Granted, he had stayed at a hotel the night before so had showered before getting on the road the day we met, so he smelled pretty good, LOL!

I can say we did have an instant connection, and I would also say appearance had little to do with it. In fact, I thought we would have nothing in common and this meeting was just a way to meet someone and perhaps have a cup of coffee and some conversation. Two hours later, I had found this man to be fascinating and I knew I wanted to spend more time with him. And when he hugged me before he had to go that first time, I knew there was something special there. Magic? Chemistry? I don't really know. As we have talked about this, he said he felt the same way - there was something just "right" about being together. I wouldn't classify it as immediate sexual attraction. From then on, I have had no interest in any other man.

Now, as you may have guessed from my picture, I am a bit older. I do feel that what constitutes "chemistry" does change with age. In my younger years, I remember that appearance did weigh heavily. In those days, when I was looking for a mate, I think I was responding to primal instincts to choose a mate who would be a good provider for my offspring. (Okay, so I personally screwed up on that part, LOL!) Now, it's more about common goals and companionship.
 circe 1
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 11
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:32:46 PM
Darn right I am looking for instant chemistry! And if it's not there right away I move on immediately! And I make no apologies.
 circe 1
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 14
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:00:33 PM
I completely agree that powerful chemistry is not a reliable predictor of long term relationship success. Only time tells. But that chemistry is certainly essential to starting a relationship. If I am not thinking about getting a man in the sack right away, I don't want to have a relationship at all! A friend...maybe. A lover? Never.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 17
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:17:10 PM
lol dallas; the proffered humble theory....has a lot of depth, and helps WHY "chemistry" doesnt often work in the longitudinal.
Fact remains, whether we are cognizant or uninformed of the factors behind the "chemistry",
it seemingly does offer somewhat elegant basis. Meets Ochams razor for sure.

I believe we probably act on "chemistry" whether we know it or not.
Understanding better what that chemistry might comprise...surely can help to manage the effects and ensuing behaviors/motivations. Is it strictly pheromones? Base "attractiveness" in the eyes of the beholder?

Deserves further scrutiny imho...ever heard someone say of a spouse or X.... "they were just like my father" (or mother)...0? When you hear the same refrain from them after a 3rd..or 4th marriage later....
no doubt...the "chemistry" is persistent, and affects ensuing relationships.
 lateef7842
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 18
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:23:51 PM
Damn, you beat me to it. I was going to post this very subject later today. You, Sir, are a brilliant man.

Anyway, I think people who base their dating lives on "chemistry" are immature. I also disagree with the idea that chemistry is an initial ingredient to start a relationship. Plain and simple. Thats high school thinking. You might as well write a note that asks "Will you go with me" and have boxes for yes or no. ...lol It's been my experience, that most of the successful relationships I've seen (marriage till death, no divorce) happen in spite of chemistry or even when the there was no initial "spark." Off course there are exceptions to every rule, but looking at my grand parents, parents and my own experiences, true lasting and deep love grows over time. Mature, thinking individuals make relationship choices based on getting to know a person and finding those rare nuggets of gold that would otherwise been missed. Those nuggets of gold are what turns into the jewels of a true soul mate.

Most of the women who say, " I'll know if anything is there in the first five minutes." or "If there is no chemistry on the first date, I move on" are the ones who end up being chronic daters, always getting hurt and becoming ever more bitter with each relationship. Often, they end up old and alone or on a constant wheel of "I met this great guy!." This woman sometime evolves into "The Cat Lady" down the street. This happens with men too, but not as much.

The male version of this is wanting to start a serious relationship with any cute (and sometimes not so cute) girl who shows them attention.

Lateef
 circe 1
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 19
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:28:00 PM
Well if you're willing to wait for chemistry then that is a wise thing to do. You will certainly widen your options. And you're right...I am sure I have rejected men that I could have had good relationships with. But you assume it's a choice. It isn't....I simply cannot become interested in a man as a potential mate if I don't lust after him. And my experience is that if it isn't there right away, it's never going to be.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 21
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:38:56 PM
"the human psyche, and how it "pre-wires" or sets a "template" in our brain "

5 minutes won't tell me favorable "chemistry" ... but it will tell me if there is repulsion for whatever logical or illgoical reason. If we have been emailing a bit - I tend to prefer to meet sooner - then there has probably already by attraction building, so a cold shower reaction is less likely. If we have been mailing a lot and the face-to-face reaction is dramatically different than virtual, that is a cold shower. All the worse for how unexpected it was.

My GF met a guy recently from PoF and she and our other GF were both very physically attracted. I wasn't, but that just speaks to our difference in templates. I likely wouldn't have been attracted to his picture, either. If I got to know him well, then other factors may have superseded the visual indifference. I'll not know cause he's dating my GF and that puts him forever off limits to me. But it would apply to anyone else not dating a friend. So, visual indifference can be discounted via other attractions; only repulsions of any kind .. physical or otherwise ... cannot.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:52:11 PM
Such is internet dating, I’m afraid – its like a virtual “candy store” and there may always be *better* candy in the next display case over!

Yep, it's a buffet and most are very picky eaters.

So, what says the POF community? Are you looking for that "first 5 minute fireworks" and is it a total showstopper if its not there that quickly?

~OP~ You know me, a thorn in the side. I have to have it. Once it happens to you and you know it's out there, it's something that sticks with you. I suppose had it not happened to me one time in the past, I wouldn't know what it was ~ but it did and now ~ there is just no way around it. My"instant" turned into marriage and had fate not dealt some really bad cards ~ I wouldn't be here now because that instant click never did change/disappear/lighten/etc. It was there until the end. That was a long time ago and yet I still know in the core of who I am, when it's ALL there, I know it. I had never felt that before, nor since. I'll probably never will feel that again, hence, I'm not looking for forever and definitely NOT marriage. A boyfriend might be nice to have one day ~ as long as he does his own laundry, I might be able to live without that instant "OMG" thingie!! LOL (I did say 'might'!!)

(Nice to see you OP!!)
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 24
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:57:34 PM
I think I am landing more on Dallas Flyer's side.. on this one..

When I say chemistry I am not talking about "lust".. I am talking about that spark of rapport.. and for me it is very similar with males and females. It is the kind of rapport you strike up in friendships.. and you have an instant liking for someone. Every man I have ever had any kind of relationship with started out this way.. then as the friendship progresses the sexual attraction takes place later.

Now not all men I have an instant rapport with will develop into anything remotely akin to sexual desire..

Usually if I meet someone and have an instant sexual rush with them.. I usually move the other way because to me that does not signify a stable relationship.

I really prefer this method of screening because it enables me to open up to anyone that I meet..

But my answer would be no.. I do not demand instant sexual attraction when I first meet a guy.. just a rapport of some sort.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 25
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 1:59:01 PM
Well, it used to be a showstopper for me... but it's not anymore... It wasn't the first 5 minutes but it was during the first meeting that I would know whether or not someone was interesting to me... And it wasn't based on looks but on how they presented themselves... Nervousness aside...

Now.. I'm so much better. If I like them, I know right off that there's something wrong with them so now, I 'm gonna gravitate to the ones I don't like...

See? I can swing with the pendulum... I just can't find the damn middle!!!
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 28
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:23:57 PM
TxSip! I don't believe it does equate straight to the sexual tension and attraction either. Even more elemental....is that what drew you FIRST, got you interested deep down, motivated you to engage the conversation, get acquainted and open ones heart...with the attendant other levels ensuing. Sexual expression, for many of us...is necessarily, and properly, modulated by many factors that probably transcend the initial "chemistry" that engaged us...open us to entertain so much more. Sure, many of us act on that immediate "sexual desire" (whether from rampant hormones, challenge and conquest, novelty, loneliness...many factors here..) but upbringing, mores, societal decorum, risks all can dissuade that until other levels have been established. Otherwise, we might hopelessly" fall in love" with the transgender, alcoholic, HCV-carrier, sero-positive cab driver and not give 2nd thought to basic survival. (hey...just a hypothetical example. no barbecues please)

Its neither instant "rapport", although that certainly can be a component. Its not the compelling way you can talk till dawn and wonder why it was so brief. Its more than finishing each others sentences, other shared commonalities. Although...often these ARE realized...

Doesn't it ALWAYS require that we are drawn to do so first? Before any of those...
the decision, i believe is made. Maybe down in the pons...or somewhere in the recesses of our higher CNS cortex.

So..what IS it that draws us to turn the page and pursue/permit? There is undoubtedly SOMETHING to this "chemistry" deal...
 circe 1
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 30
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:35:07 PM
Heartseekertrue....well said! And one can post all the patronizing garbage they want about chemistry seekers...the inescapable fact is that it exists and has nothing at all to do with being 'bitter' or 'immature'. And if you aren't looking for it, you are denying your humanity. And settling for less. And those women going out with men on Friday night whom they don't even like are an example..and truly pathetic.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 32
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:45:05 PM
I can tell if I'm going to be interested in someone for more than one meeting in 30 minutes tops. Having said that, if anyone wants to have another meet/date and I'm not keen I'll do it anyway...I want to be sure I've given it a true go.

I truly do have to say that most of us have a good idea if there is any potential for more in a very short time. It's not just physical...it's an emotional connection of sorts. It's intangible. I prefer not to flog a dead horse...if there's nothing there I won't pursue another meeting, but I don't refuse one if they want to give it another go.
 lateef7842
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 34
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:48:11 PM


I don't agree at all. The second time I had that instant chemistry, it led to a 14 year relationship that included a 12 year marriage. The third time it happened was a 2 year relationship with almost no sex at all. So I think you are seriously misinterpreting the kind of chemistry the rest of us are talking about.


Unless I'm wrong here, all of these ended. So, they weren't really life time commitments. Which I think is the point of the OP's post.

Lateef
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 35
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:51:27 PM

So..what IS it that draws us to turn the page and pursue/permit? There is undoubtedly SOMETHING to this "chemistry" deal...


I am reminded of my best friend. She began dating a man at church who she thought was nice. She didn't think anything would happen between them but started going to lunch with him on Sundays after church. But she discovered that he made her laugh and she enjoyed his personality. So that was that rapport I was talking about.

Now they are considering becoming engaged and she has fallen in love with him..and now there is definitely sexual attraction.

So you never know.. I have been observing this evolution in her life.. since we were running buddies. It seems like all my running buddies end up getting married and alas I have to find a new one hahaha..

But you are right heartseekertrue.. it is a mystery.

Some say that women are attracted to men based on ferenomes that they will choose a male based on smell and that indicates that the man's immune system is matched well with hers to give their off spring the best chance of survival..
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 36
The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:05:43 PM
Begs the question lateef...how do we determine which relationships are NOT based on some little-understood "chemistry" phenomenon?
And then...do THOSE relationships (if they could be identified as non-"chemistry" based attraction) last longer?

complex question indeed...how would such be proven using scientific/empirical/repeatable/observable methods?
Difficult designing such a study.....

Beginning question might be:
...what factors are present at the beginning of those relationships that don't "end"...
...is there anything that smells like "chemistry THERE?
 Beaugrand®™©
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 37
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:10:54 PM
I don't know about "chemistry," as long as she doesn't split my skull and rob me I call it a successful date...
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 39
WHAT is "chemistry "
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:29:53 PM
lol beaugrand...reminds me of my chemistry prof..
if it moves, its physics,
if it booms, its chemistry,
if it stinks, biology!

And Java....methinks you nailed it.
 danmck1
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 43
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:08:38 PM
Ibelieve that the look in a persons eyes will tell the truth about LOVE, I wonder how many people out thier share this belief, Also why are woman who lost thier husband due to death, afriad to let go of the past.??? thank you
 Beaugrand®™©
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 44
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WHAT is chemistry
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:43:28 PM

if it moves, its physics,
if it booms, its chemistry,
if it stinks, biology!
...and if it's hard to follow, it's calculus!!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 45
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:45:07 PM
I think many think chemistry and lust are the same thing, I don't happen to. Chemistry is the electric side of compatibility, while lust is either wanting to get laid and hey that person looks doable or seeing someone who happens to look or act in a way that turns you on. But it's not much to build anything on other than some hot times. I have zero idea how I could possible know if I have real chemistry with someone in 5 min. heck 5 months might not be enough, I'd first have to get to know the person in all kinds of situations. People make up stuff just to cover their basic need to get laid, I think this 5 min. stuff is just part of the excuse pattern.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 46
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The instant chemistry demand
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:48:53 PM

So, what says the POF community? Are you looking for that "first 5 minute fireworks" and is it a total showstopper if its not there that quickly?
I can tell within the first 5 minutes if there will be chemistry between us. That does not mean that I will run straight to bed with that man ... it just means to me that eventually it could happen.

I do know people that need 6 months or more to find out whether or not they think they might be able to have a relationship with a person. If I needed that much time to decide such things ... well I just don't know how that would work.
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