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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does our partner have the right to know?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 2
Does our partner have the right to know?Page 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
Dude, the past is the past is the past. As long as they don't bring STDs into the present, I personally do not want to know with how many. Also, she should have had the "Option" of answering your question or declining to say, and she didn't.
 acitalriwt sixela
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 4
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:36:21 PM
She should not lie to you, obvious. I do not know if you are wrong or not. After 3 year I do not think I would leave someone over this one lie. But that is for you to choose.

I do not talk about my sexual past. It is small past and I have no reason to be ashamed, it is only the past. I only have to tell my partner of std, if I had one.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 5
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:36:27 PM
Personally I don't discuss numbers.. mine or his. I do discuss protection and safe sex practices. I always insist on using condoms until such time as we are both tested and found clean, and we are far enough into a commited relationship.

Talking about your sexual past to me is just asking for trouble.

If you lost your desire for her, lost your respect for her, why did you stay with her?? Seriously, what does it matter as long as she took precautions to prevent disease and has tested clean??
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:37:37 PM
If it was unprotected sex with as many as 300 partners, but she escaped catching anything - and you have medical records to prove it, and she's loyal to you only, it doesn't affect your health or your current relationship, so - no you don't need to know.

Same goes for you - you may want to tell her, but technically it's none of her concern unless it's a threat to your current relationship or her sexual health.

Anything that happens before you meet is irrelevant, generally.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 14
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 12:59:54 PM
hmmm.....

first... doesn't take having a lot of partners to get an STD.... just takes having the wrong partner.... (ie... good friend of mines mother died of AIDS... married 40 + years.... she had only one partner.... who happened to cheat on her.... )


second... the past is just that.... whatever happened before you... is what made her the woman you cared about... and loved enough to bring a baby into the world with...

third..... situations like this are common.... women lie down in their numbers and men lie up.... sad.... but when people make you feel bad about how many... it doesn't inspire you to tell the real number later... I have gotten to the point were I just say.. enough partners to know what I like and don't like...

finally.. in the end... if you love someone... where they have been is no where near as important as where they are now....

overall.... reading your own response.... you already know what you think and want.. and it seems you are done with her.... you are just looking for people to back you in your reasons why...
 saggy ass and saggy tits
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 17
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:07:04 PM
what is the fasicination how many ex partner had....the past is past...if you dont want to get any std's...go and both of you get tested , before you embark on a sexual relationship, very simple
 dingolover
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 21
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:12:46 PM
Never ask what you truely dont wish to know. I will tell the truth if they ask. But i will also ask "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?".
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 24
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:25:50 PM
I think it's a good subject.
Personally, I don't think it was your business to begin with, but she's the one who should have told you that.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 25
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:26:37 PM
dawg_bite,


Should partners talk about their sexual past?


Yes, they should. I'm not all that concern about how many partners they have had (as I was when I was younger), but I am very concern about whether they have had or have any STD's. But I do agree with you, if she asked how many sexual partners you have had, then she should have been prepared to have that same question asked by you. If she didn't want to answer the question, she should have declined or never asked the question is the first place.


Am I wrong for not taking her back?


Absolutely not, she has lied to you numerous time, why would you even consider it.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 26
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:26:39 PM
if she is your EX officio....then remarriage...does not usually bear longitudinal happiness.
If still just SEPARATED (your post is not clear either way, you also mention separation) that may bear a LITTLE more hope. Remarriage statistic for subsequent 2nd divoorce are dismal. And one who...17 years ago...forgave, and reestablished trust-i found out too personally-that the leopard did not shed her spots...
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 29
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:27:53 PM
I feel the same way that you do, OP...you asked a question in which she answered with a LIE, in order to avoid telling you the true answer. If the issue was that the past is the past, or that it were not your business, or she just did not want to answer such...then she should have stated that. "I do not discuss my sexual history." The LIE is what made it wrong. You were robbed of the choice of making an informed decision, because you trusted her to be telling the truth.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 36
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:54:49 PM
Does privacy mean nothing to you ?
whether this woman has been "with" one or 100 men , what is your issue ?
That she chose to not divulge every aspect of her personal history ?
Or perhaps you may feel the need to forgive someone you have cared about for three years... go tell all your friends everything you have ever done that might not be acceptable behaviour to some and see how you feel being judged .

I guess we can assume that you aren't a very religous man... or rather than posting this issue for a world of strangers... you would have " spoken" to the only person you need to.. and forgiveness would be in your heart , not rightous indignation !

Perhaps this woman is better off without having her "soul tied' to yours.

Perhaps you should draw up a questionaire next time and see how that flies.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 1:59:53 PM
The lying and cheating is a different story - separate from the number of partners she had...

She shouldn't have lied about the number, but IMO, she shouldn't have been asked either or put in a position where she felt she had to lie. I'd have said "none of your business" and took it as a good sign if you broke it off...

But cheating and lying are totally different and are dealbreakers for a relationship within themselves.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 49
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:27:56 PM

Hey all, wanted to know what others think of this one. My ex and I have been talking about maybe trying to work things out. I told her that I don’t think it would work because of lies that she told when we were together that I found out.

She feels that I had no right to know her sexual past in the first place, that’s why she lied. I responded with her past can easily be my present if I caught something from her or knew someone she was with.

I am a person who feels like they should always have an option. When she asked me how many partners have I had unprotected I told her. If she decided to dump me for it then so be it, she has that right. Problem is she didn’t give me that option, and once I found out she had been with over 25 men, needless to say my desire for her slowly died. Had she told me when we had the conversation instead of lying and saying 7 I could have decided then not to date her and things could have been ended right there before our hearts were to involved. Or I could have accepted it and kept seeing her.

Now we have 3 years invested, souls tied, and the separation is very painful for the both of us. Not just because of the number of men shes been with, but because from that, other things were brought to the light and now although I love her, I simply do not respect her.

What do you guys think of this situation? Am I wrong for not taking her back?
Should partners talk about their sexual past?


The past isnt the past. I agree with you totally and I would move on. This country is so obsessed with having unprotected sex that 25-30% (national Institute of Health) of young adults have an STD. I mean do they think they have immunity from STD's, they dont care if they have kid? Just reckless irresponsible behavior.

You see many girls especially that are as horny as guys and they screw anything that walks and then when they are older they dont think about the ramifications. The past isnt' the past. Men and women are wrong if they think being promiscuous will not harm them.

Many virus' lay dormant for years and then come up without warning. Many bacterias cause permanent damage to the male and the female, sometimes they dont find out until they need to have a child or they are older.

I would not date someone so loose in the past. I would also worry about them cheating because sex was obvsiously not thought of seriously by them and it didn't mean much, so why would it magically mean something now? If I were in that position, I would say, I wish the best for you. Love you but I'm moving on. Good luck.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 50
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:39:25 PM
^^^You're better off just not having sex - be REALLY proactive if you're serious about it. Date virgins, or don't date. Life is a risk. People are free to not live it....

On second thought....virgins might be a risk too...yeah, just don't take the chance. Buy toys...wait are toys safe?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:05:52 PM
Has she lied to you about anything else important? After 3 years don't you think she's shown you her real self? One lie, 3 years ago and you are ready to cut & run...seems fishy. No, not really the past is the past and unless it's going to effect our future I don't see the point of getting beat up over my past if I have not repeated the bad parts of my past. Should people lie, of course not, but it happens and if I was happy with that person for 3 years now and it was something that long ago and not effecting us now, I'd be a fool to even want to know about it, mush less punish someone I say I love with it. That is just cruel. I hardly live my life as a saint, who am I to judge someone who didn't do anything on purpose to hurt me, gawd forbid all my past mistakes were held against me the rest of my life.
 sriannaailyim
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 53
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:25:53 PM
LOL at the numbers-

My personal belief- a man has an issue knowing the number. So I just don't get into it.
You are clean of STDs and so am I- that is all there is to it.
 BestFisherLady
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 54
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:31:28 PM
I have a question for you, Dear.
How many girls you have had before you LAST ex. In your 31?
Why you was so interested in by this number?
Did she continue to meet somebody from this list same time with you?
Why you so upset now? Did she has more then you?
Sorry for being sarcastic. But you wanted the true.
Now you have it, but you lost Love and your Peace.
So, I think it’s not about the right to know..…
It’s about trust… and it’s about what more important for you?
Working on relationship together and be happy in present !!!
or trying to find “THE TRUE” and destroy relationship…
Also, when people start to live together
the better to make some rule or negotiation.
The best way about the past of two people who just start relationship is TABU,
Only if this past and old relationship were over completely!
This is my opinion.
If you find any mistakes here, let me know.
 3yearsfromnow
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 55
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 6:49:08 PM
Dude,
the longer you are single the more partners you are going to eventually have. It just happens. I was married to my first lover and was 100% faithful. But the marriage ended and I started dating; that's when you get involved with people over time. In the 16 years that I've been divorced I have had 15 partners. None of them were one night stands and I never caught any std's. One relationship at a time; I guess that's what you might call "serial monogomy". Also, I can go for months without a partner; and I sometimes think that I've met the love of my life and the relationship end without warning. So I have numbers that may make me look bad to someone like you. If I don't find someone soon I will have 25 partners before you know it. Who cares anyway it's just a number ; you fall in love with a PERSON, not a number.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 58
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 6/30/2008 10:14:35 PM
Dawg, frankly it doesn't sound like your issue really is the # of people she's been with, and the concern of what if she done someone you did know prior to you... WTF????

You state she's cheated, and lied about being preggers...

There is a big side of the story that is missing, and it is what kind of things you have done to her. You ever cheat, lie, do something to manipulate and or get her attention even though you knew it wasn't right?

I don't want an answer, because really I have a pretty good idea. Reason being is that if you can come on a forum about your gf, and expose her in such a personal way. This post is a real tell tale of how you don't think to much about what it would do for any future you have with THE MOTHER of your child, and is a great example of how you don't respect her all that much.

Regardless of how many partners she's had, that she's lied, and that you two have had a heart to heart, how many people on a dating site need to know all these dirty details about her? She's your daughters mother, what if someone she knows reads this and tells her?

You two don't sound like you should be together, but I certainly would think before exposing someone you supposedly love/d laundry across the internet. There are better ways of asking questions, this isn't it...
 Agallah005
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 59
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:34:03 AM
doesn't matter to me how many my partners had as long as she's disease free. The past is the past and we need to stop this double standard. some women love sex just as much as men and they might want to get a new partner due to boredom with the current one. We all move on, that's all.
 Agallah005
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 60
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:35:37 AM
can't you tell if your partner's been with someone by just getting to know them. If they feel comfortable talking about their exes and you let them, you'll find out how many times they've had miscarriages and disease scares, etc. doesn't matter to me like I said. as long as she doesn't have any diseases and discloses it, then I'm fine.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 62
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/1/2008 4:54:24 AM


male insecurity .... afraid of being compared...


so true sher.

Mans elemental question...AM I CAPABLE? DO i "measure up" ?
Womans question..."am i attractive enough to be pursued by a capable man"?

irony that we try to answer different questions...through a shared pursuit...
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 70
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Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/1/2008 6:33:05 AM
mess 18 - op, you say

The number was not the reason we broke up, I can certainly deal with 25 partners before me. It was the number of lies that slowly ate away at me. Such as hanging out with a guy friend then I find out he used to be an old sex buddy. Then I find out she cheated on me with him while she was mad at me. Finding out that 2 of the three times I got her pregnant was a lie, she only wanted attention. The list goes on, but the reason I bring up the topic of sex partners, is because she feels I had no right to know the real number. However, im not the one that brought up numbers, she was.

now i have not read this whole thread, so this might be redundant and if so, i apologize....seems to me OP, you are being very petty about your original thread almost as an intro into the real truth and that is what you wrote above.....these are the real reasons you do not have respect for her - she lost it in your eyes. my question is, why do you think she needs to lie so? have you ever spoken to her, as another heart-to-heart? is she afraid of your reaction? is she afraid she would lose your respect if she told the truth? surely she realizes the lies (and i suspect the truth also) would result in the same thing for you.
besides, it seems you do know the truth of her lies. How do you know it? My impression here is because she told you, after all....
I think she needs to get some help with this side of her that lies before she tells the truth - to get to the heart of her fear.
And I think you need to also address your judgement perhaps....everyone has faults. Do you know what yours are? Why I am questioning you is the way you posted this thread - and then added extra amo in the message I pasted some of above....seems you are actually looking for pity and support and to be told 'you are right'....that you are all right and she is all wrong. hmmm....
One more thought - this is the mother of your child - you are going to be in each other's lives for many years through parenting your child ....please keep that in mind for another split up couple that are at odds with each other deeply is not what's best for you or her or your child. Eventually, they say, forgiveness is necessary.....even if split up, even if it takes many years. Compared to life and death, your issues are not the end of the world. It seems they show you two may not be compatible - so accept that and move on to a place you can be there for your child, but not for each other as you have tried to be. Sometimes, unless you have enough love to overcome these huge challenges, sometimes it's best to accept it's more painful to stay together than part.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 73
Does our partner have the right to know?
Posted: 7/1/2008 7:53:55 AM

why come here looking for permission after the fact?


conscience palliative, to maintain own self concept?
Oh the calisthenics we perform...
and the astute hive mind...pierces....

just a random muse...
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