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Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 1
single father raising children by himselfPage 1 of 1    
Ok her is a question for all you ladies out there. Is so bad for a father to raise his children without any help. I have been doing just that thing for the last seven years and have experienced what a single mother goes through. I will tell you what this is hard the ex lives in another state and does not want much to with them or she is in and out of the legal system. And trying to find someone that will accept this arangement is even more difficult. I have even though of not trying to find someone to complete me and just raise my children, only 9 years left, since I have ran into so many selfish people out there. Oh I am not angery at people but I do think that understanding should be there for all situations. Ok what are your thoughts on this?
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 2
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 3:26:06 PM
It is hard raising kids alone, you can pretty much forget about dating. It's hard to be romantic when your common sense tells you having sleepovers with your SO is setting a bad example for your children, or having to bring 4 kids along just to share a meal together. I cannot remember the last time my guy and I had a conversation that was not interrupted by either his kids or mine. I'm surrounded by people but as lonely as you can be.
I rarely get their child support checks, their Dad comes to visit when HE feels like it and I am expected to drop everything so they can spend time with him at a moments notice. He yells at me for everything from report cards, to sport schedules to my 13 year olds acne. God I hate my life sometimes.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:12:38 PM
^^^^^And then you have a mommy/parenting moment that is good enough to make you keep getting up and doing it everyday until you have another one.

Like when my son will be unbelievably generous to his friends and turn around and beat the living shit out of his brother for no reason.

You keep putting a line out until you find someone that is willing to deal with the extra logistics issues of kids. Carolann, you need date night.
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 4
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:14:52 PM

Is so bad for a father to raise his children without any help.

No, but I do imagine it limits your dating possibilites even more than those of us that do have the other parent to take our children on a regular schedule...

It is your situation. It is what it is. You can't change it. Be patient and someday the right woman will come along that is enthusiastic to share the life you lead with you.
Joined: 9/12/2005
Msg: 5
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:18:41 PM
OP, priorities. You said you'd thought about not looking and just raise your children. Not such a bad idea. I've found that actively looking can get you in trouble. lol If it's meant to be.. She'll fall right in your lap when you least expect it.
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 6
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:27:05 PM
Wow, what a situation, sounds like my own. Like yourself, I am also a single father raising my son by myself. My now "ex" took off about two years ago just prior to my son turning three. At that time, I left the state of Arizona where we lived at the time to come back to Indiana, where I'm originally from. My son and I later went back to Arizona for a brief time because it was my belief that a child needs both parents. When that didn't work out, my son and I returned once again to Indiana, where we have been for the past two years. My ex has never once ever contacted either of us in two years, wondering how her son is doing. I'm never quite sure if it's better or worse to have more than one child. If there is more than one, at least they have someone to play with, besides just dad. We spend a lot of time at the park. Dating? Forget about it, haven't had one in the past two years. I'm a slightly older dad and what respecting female wants a dad with a five year old, starting over? One another note, I also find it hard when any other person not knowing my son, may naturally ask, "where's your mother"? because most people are used to a child having a mother around and just aren't used to a male being a single dad.
Joined: 10/26/2007
Msg: 7
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:27:15 PM
The guy I am with has been raising his two kids for over 9 yrs by himself, since their mother passed away. It didn't deter me in the least.

He has his mother who will take the kids for a night here or there, but nothing regular like I have with my ex taking my kids every other weekend. There is a way to work it, you just have to be patient.
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 8
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 5:42:27 PM
It's not bad, it's being active in your role as a parent and being fully responsible for them. You do what you got to do since your kids depend on you. Why do you have the thought that it's so bad to do this on your own. Sure, it would be nice if both parents were active and did things for the best of the child's interest, but it's not meant to be and you just got to adjust and make the best of it.

I'm also a solo parent, my daughter will be 3 in a few months and no word from the ex. He's moved on, so have I. For the most part, I love having her to myself but a nice break once in awhile would be nice. I think if I reach for it, I could have that break, but I haven't really tried to go out without my daughter.

Adding dating in the mixture is a bit hard but if you really want to, you'll make more of an effort with the lucky lady. Find a single parents group in your area, go thru church groups and maybe you can find a network so that everyone can have a sitter once in awhile so they can go out. There shouldn't be a pressure to date, if someone won't date you because you're a full time dad, then it's their loss and you dont' want their attitude anyways.
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 9
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 7:01:02 PM
I hear ya on the selfish people. I almost refuse to date someone that doesn't know what parenting is about. They just don't get it. But remember that you have the option to be selfish too. Pick your battles carefully and if you're still not happy then she's probably not right for you. As for understanding your ex's situation and distance, if your girl can't be understanding and flexible then she's probably not grown up enough to have a good influence on your children to begin with and you must think of the impact first. I was once so smitten that I almost allowed emotional harm come to my son and nephew. Thank God I woke up in time to get away from him. And sometimes we have to step out of our own little world and look in as a stranger. Only then can we evaluate the real situation. Your situation is never gonna be a cake walk but if you do what you feel is right at the time, you won't beat yourself up for not always getting it right. I tell you what though, it's a lot easier to teach and discipline when there is only one opinion or rule. Sometimes another person can just screw up the workings of things. And for yourself,...ask your higher power to keep loneliness away from you so you can make the best decisions without the influence of desperation. That's all I have to say about that... :) ~Di
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 10
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:05:49 PM
Thanks to all that have replied to my post. I have listened to the same things in the past from others in my life. I guess I really need to vent mostly. I know from past experience that having someone stay the night is not right impression. I have girls, 13 & 9, and that is not what I want to teach my kids. I'm very real with my children with all aspects of what life has to offer and that is what I think really needs to be the truth.
 searchin 4 her
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 11
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 6/30/2008 9:26:37 PM
I'm a single Dad raising 3 kids, and yes the ex can be a pain, she never says a word when they get a sports award, perfect attedance or make the honor roll but let them make one kid mistake and she freaks out eventhough she never has anything to do with them. She doesn't help at all financially but thats OK, I don't mind the challange, I love bein' a Dad. They're all teens now so it's gettin' easier, of course the social life has taken the glide path of a rock but someday I'll find someone that understands. The last woman I dated quit when she found out I had kids full time, a little puzzling cuz I figure if someone I meet has kids then it's sorta a package deal. Kids are alot of work, but they're also alot of fun.
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 12
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:53:26 PM
I have had my kids for a year and a half now. They are 10 and 13, girl and boy respectively. I had to take them from my ex who has an alcohol problem. Those of you who know about this you can understand some, but I would say my sit is a bit unique. She still comes and goes, but if not 4 her weird relationship with her BF she would be completely homeless and if there's ever a fight guess whos door she knocks on. The things that have come to pass are unreal to me. I dont see a time where she will have her own place again and I will get a break every now and then. I had the kids EVERY WEEKEND without fail when they lived with her. I would say b4 I got them I was working just to pay child support and barely had enough to live with them taking 25%. I always paid though. I worked overnights, then evenings, then finally days, but for so long had no life except to work to pay child support. The system is very cold for the slightest mistake even to the ones who do the right thing. If there was something that would have made me think of suicide it was that. No exageration. On the other hand, now that I have them and of course asked for nothing of my ex to pay, I find that I am in almost the same boat financially and still have no time to date at all. Actually I have no money to date either so how do you do it I wonder? I have no idea? How do you make someone see you for all you do trying to raise your kids and make ends meet when you can barely take them for coffee to try and explain it to them? I dont have an answer and I dont see the light in the tunnel either. Maybe someone can share anything similiar to make me see a way to help matters. My dilema is I dont make enough to live and I stay at this job because it gets me home at 5 when the kids are home at 3ish (not so bad). I cant leave them again to get a second job because no one around to watch them and they need to eat dinner and help with homework and all that too. so even though I have resumes out there for better jobs, the hours will surely be longer so no matter what something is screwy. Summer time comes and I have no where for them to be since I cant afford camp. The free one in my town is half day sessions and so that means someone has to be around to take them or pick them up at some point which is not an option either. Jees is it stressful enough yet? I hope I'm adding to the converstaion here and not hurting it. Please comment back - Thanks!
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 13
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:08:15 PM
"carolann"....No harm intended and hope you dont take it that way, but honestly it depends on the "ages" of the children when your trying to make "alone time" for you and someone your dating or serious with, but as "moms/dads" we should MAKE time for our selfs and our "SO" and there are sometimes where you just need it to be you/SO.

And different times where it can be you/so/the kids together parents need a little "US" time because if you don't you'll end up losing your mind (NOT speaking for all) But i can say this i have an 2yr old son and it's 24/7 me N him (as in mom/son) because his father split before he was born, but it can drive you a little insane if you dont find time for yourself on the side of being an parent.

Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 14
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:26:38 PM
In part, having younger kids does limit your possibilities, but the fact is that you have to find balance in your life as a single parent - for your sake and theirs.

Dating is a part of growing up - the children probably should see you getting on with your life, even if it means that they see breakups as they happen as well.

I have two children, I've been a single dad for the last 2 years now (they're now 10 and 13). It's been tough at times, but I've not really had a huge issue with finding people to date. It's understandable that some people simply don't want kids, or don't want to deal with someone else's kids. The fact is that if you're not their mom/dad, there is going to be a serious amount of adjustment required - you've not been there all their lives, so you're going to remain (to some degree or another) an outsider...

If you're not ready for that kind of relationship, and recognize it, I can't really fault you or call you selfish... But I can't date you either!

I have found that there are plenty of women out there that are quite happy with the idea of a 'ready-made' family and are more than willing to put up with the sacrifices needed when dating a single dad...

... they're usually called 'single moms'
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 15
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/10/2008 11:30:07 PM
techfin...Not to be offtopic but for an man your age you look good.....Good luck with everything ORGINAL POSTER and to everyone else on this thread going through the exact same situration as the ORGINAL POSTER!
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 16
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:06:01 AM
I agree with rustmouse. Excellent point of view. I'm a career single dad.

I have two daughters, grown, their mom died when they were 1and 3 and now I have my son, almost 4.

One thing I've learned is , regardless of your childrens age, you have to take some time out for you. Every chance I get, I go flying.

Now if I could find a date thats my age, likes to fly, and enjoys children at home. What do you think the Vegas odds of that are?

Think positive people and good luck.
Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 17
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:28:45 AM
you know dating a single dad would not be a bad idea but too many of them on here have all kinds excuse for not meeting

"I have to run the kids here, there, every where. "

"I can't find someone to watch them"

" I have a special weekend planned with my kids"

After awhile you just give up and wonder why they are on a dating site anyway ???
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 18
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single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:43:28 AM
Kudos to you for being a sinle parent!!!
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 19
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:00:04 PM
I say kudos to all the men that have taken on the responsibility of raising their children alone. I personally find that a VERY attractive trait and one of the things that I would want in a man today.
I have said to my friends for the past couple years, that it would be nice to find a man to date that has custody of his children. Or that are at least a big part of their childrens lives..
OP keep up the great work..
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 20
single father raising children by himself
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:31:32 PM
My experience hasn't been that great. I get a lot of comments on POF to the tune of "You're too cute to be without a wife" but usually no further. Personally, I think it has a lot to do with my age, and the fact that I have been raising my (now teen-aged) daughter for 7 years of nights. And due to no contact from my ex, I have been on my own for over 2 1/2 years.

I would like to think there is someone out there who would be a good match, and can relate to what it takes to raise a teenager, but I have yet to see anybody step up to the plate. Sure, I get a lot of visits on my profile, and I do take the time to email those that do, but rarely do I get any responses. If I do get any sort of response, it seems to be limited to "general chatter". I know conversation is good for a relationship, and I don't ever sell myself short, reply with intents of just trying to hook up, nor do I let all the details out on the first email. In short, I try to have meaningful conversations with other POF'ers.

Some of my friends that have divorced after me and that have moved on to become married again tell me not to try, and that things will just happen. Sometimes, I beg to differ. I have to agree, even with my daughter, when she says I am not what you would call the "average" dad. I like different things in life that most wouldn't even consider, and I think this is what makes me the individual that I am. Why be like everyone else?

For me race or age difference doesn't really matter. What matters to me is what is in a person's mind and heart, not what's in their bank account. I don't care for bikes, because I feel I'm too important to my daughter to risk my life anymore than I normally do. I don't bar-hop or hang out at bars, because I try to spend as much time at home with my daughter on my off-work days.

I know there are people in my very town who are on POF and are single parents that won't even take the time to even go out for coffee, a dinner, or to the bike path, let alone respond. I find it hard to believe that rarely anybody can make it past the first few steps of viewing my profile, and dropping me a few nice comments. So, it leaves me to wonder if it is me, this town I'm in, perhaps my interests in life, or simply because I have a daughter.

I can truly say I am proud of the job I am doing as a single parent, its by no means easy, and I get a lot of good compliments all the time, from a friends I have or the occasional comment on POF. But, for me the proof will be when someone out there takes a proactive step in getting involved, and is sincere on their part.

Comments and suggestions are welcomed.
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