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Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 2
Am I missing something here?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I think it happens but I do not think it is normal. Most women versus guys get their sex drive after they have actual sexual experiences. It wakes up sex drive in her. You can care less about sex at 17 but if you have a full taste of it in 18 you will be on a roll.
What bothers me in your post that you think it is o.k. not to have a romantic partner and not really look for him.
YOur profile inidcate LTR. Do you really think you may know what LTR means if you never really had dating experiences.
Teenage gals start wanting dating. It is a growing process. It improves over years. They date in their own way even (and it looks akward to adults).
Grown men fantisize about intercourse and blow jobs when they masturbate. 15 years old boys with no experience masturbate on a fantazy of just a nacked girl with no any further actions.
It is a progress........ I wanna say by 21 you already have missed some major elements (and I am not talking about sex here). It has to be a natural desire by that age to meet guys, create dating opportunities and date.

Self-belive and self love are NOT obstracale to dating in any way. THose 2 things can go hand in hand.
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 3
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:11:17 PM
You're fine being inexperienced at your age, and likely better off for it. The timetable for love, sex, relationships, romance or whatever your preference is set according to YOU. Other people will compare the news to their experience and expectations, norms, ideals, but in personal matters their opinions cannot matter less. If you were 35 I would start pathologising. You're still a baby, albeit a grown up one. You are just starting out, not lagging behind. There are different views out there; you're not strange or alone in this. But you also prize being unique or at least independent in your views, so, there is that. You could lay down naked and get attention, for sure, but it's obvious that you are looking at a slightly more elevated approach to things, and so in ignoring that basic kind of potential you are left with the relative scarcity of a rarer kind of regard and relationship. He's out there, or she is, and you'll stroll along past the unsuitable until you bump into a good match. I'm not seeing your situation as anything odd, no need to wonder what might be wrong. Your time is slower to come than others, faster than some, and just right for you.
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 6
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:14:36 PM
This virgin simply hasn't found a wife yet. *shrugs* I don't know if it's bad luck or what, but I'm not really bothered by the lack of sex. The lack of physical affection and by that I mean, just a five-minute hug -- that's the stuff I miss. The unexpected letters in strange places; well, I won't go on or I'll bleed my romantic heart all over the page, but you get the idea.
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 8
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/2/2008 8:45:17 PM
Wow, hate much?

No fun on POF tonight...
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 10
view profile
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:09:08 AM
OP-First, it’s not just bad luck. You have the necessary equipment to land any guy you want. However, I admire that you want it to be something meaningful that is right for you. Some men and women need human contact more than others. You may just be one of those that until the right guy comes along, your content with how things are. I would hope that just because your still a virgin, that you don’t run out and experiment with the first guy that comes along. Your first time should always be special, because everyone will remember their first time for the rest of their life.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 15
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/3/2008 5:59:23 PM
OP - sounds like even at 21 you have values and a well-grounded sense of self-worth too. You just be you and don't sweat the small stuff. All your friends are doing is trying to justify themselves by making you appear "odd". Frankly, far worse to be a crowd-follower aka sheep than actually have integrity even with yourself...don't you think?

There's nothing pathological about having standards, even at 21. There's nothing pathological about not wanting a relationship at 21. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21 either.

Society's norm doesn't define you - you define yourself.
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 16
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:04:01 AM

I believe having self belief and self love is one of the hardest things to do, because it requires the person, oneself, who knows oneself entirely, to have genuine belief and respect without any outside approval, which is sought after with the majority of people, which is entirely normal.

People feeling and responding to social pressure might be COMMON but i would hesitate to call it normal. And just because something is common doesnt mean its okay or even healthy.

you need to get this through your head. NO ONE CARES.

i dont mean this in a mean way, but people are generally wrapped up in their own life and could care less if youre having sex. They may make a comment and some bitter people might cast a judgement, but when all is said and done, THEY DONT CARE. The only thing that matters is what YOU think. Its your life and it should be lived as you choose.

This concept was very liberating for me because I can live my life freely and ON MY OWN TERMS without worrying what someone's opinion is.

so what you need to do is look really hard and long inside yourself and decide what YOU want. Disregard what you think other people think is "normal" or what anyone else is doing for that matter and decide what kind of person you are and want to be.

if you dont want a relationship or sex, then dont ****ing have it.

if you do, then pursue it.

simple as that.
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 17
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:09:38 AM
You are being who you are, which does not fit the norm. Welcome to the club. How many people actually fit into the "norm?" While it is more or less skewed toward the middle, there are some people on this planet who are "asexual" as well as those who have a very powerful libido. Most of the advice on this forum comes from the middle group.

I notice that the most of the opinions gathered here are steering you towards a sexual relationship with a partner. If I may use conjecture, I am reading from you that you want intimacy but not necessarily the sex. I believe there is nothing wrong with this situation. The key is finding people who just let you be who you are as you continue to explore your sexuality which also may include not "needing" sex. Issues of identity and intimacy are all tied into this exploration. You seem to be well on your way and I have to add that you are a brave woman for making this post because you are putting your face to the wind.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
view profile
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:11:13 AM
Ignore Sarasota's post altogether as claptrap from someone that seems to have learned little about life or from the textbooks she has read. One of the gals that was in college several years back never seemed interested in guys and she was gorgeous, vivacious and had a great social life. She was from El Salvador and actually mentioned to my mother that she thought it was horrible how American girls seemed to take sex, etc. so lightly and behaved in a way she felt was quite frankly, slutty.

She surprised me when she was engaged a year or so after she graduated, married the man, quite happily, and after a couple of years with just the two of them, they now have a couple of kids. She was focused on school, family and friends and didn't feel the need to have a man to be happy. When she found the right one, obviously this changed. Few experiences at your age with relationships or sex is not abnormal there are just a lot of young people running around doing things beyond their maturity level because they want to fit in and feel like grown-ups when they are really not behaving like adults at all.

You could maybe answer your own post by thinking about the alternative. Are you going to run out and just find someone with whom to have a relationship just so you can have sex?

Many men and women in your age bracket have not really had that many romantic relationships because in many cases they are late bloomers. In my case, I thought it was because I didn't act like stupid arm candy and my mother would tell me things like I was pretty so if I didn't have a boyfriend, it must be my personality. This was great for my self-esteem in high school. I wasn't sexually active until I was in college and not waiting longer than I did, until it was really right for me, is one of my regrets.

Your situation to me as an outsider looking in is much more healthy than many other people your age. You are comfortable enough with yourself that you do not feel the need to seek out another human being in order to define or feel good about yourself. Many people wind up settling for sex when they really want a good relationship and you are not doing that either.

The only advice I would give is that maybe what you see as guys not interested in you are guys that don't pursue you because they do not perceive that you are interested in them. Mild flirting can be fun even if it never really goes anywhere so maybe you should try to be a little more open in that way and some of these guys you don't think are interested, might be if they think you are interested in them. Looking at your reposts the one thing I would also mention is that sometimes things do grow when there is not anything in the way of butterflies initially. As you get to know them and like them you do become physically attracted so maybe just keep more of an open mind when you do meet guys.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person and it sounds like when you do get into one, it will be for the right reasons, because you have established a rapport and honestly like the person. From there, you decide if and when you want to be intimate based on the relationship and your feelings rather than any expectations that society or anyone else bestows on you.
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 21
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:58:16 PM
no i don't think your missing something .well its not common for people our age to have not had any relationships or experiences there is other people in the same situation . and alot would never be willing to admit it like you have . some people just have different priorities in life and relationships not top of there list . or some people just can't find what they want in a partner so they stay single . and i think in somecases bad luck plays a role as well . not everyone meets someone that is interested in them in say high school or even college and even if they do meet someone they might not be interested in dating . it can be really hard to find a relationship if your not good at it .
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 22
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:39:48 PM
Reading your profile and looking at your age I think you kind of have this "if everyone goes one way I'm going the next just to be different and unique". Also some do it to be an elite person like they have the answer.

I think loving yourself is great, but taking yourself too seriously isn't. Some people are so obsessed with themselves that they become self absorbed. Especially in the U.S. where parents spoil their kids rotten and make them think the world revolves around them, society is becoming very self absorbed, selfish, and unable to deal with relationships unless its behind a computer screen.

I dont think you are wrong. I know 6 girls that are between 18-27 that are still virgins and they are not messed up at all. They either say they want to wait for their husband, or that they want to meet a guy that they are fairly sure from.

Especially in the U.S. and U.K.; with steroids, and other things in our food, and with people eating much more and much fattier foods, girls are getting physically mature much earlier in life. Mentally though they are not ready.

There is a revolution of sleaziness I think too. Girls at young age are now realizing how much attention they can get from guys if they are sexual or sleazy and if they put out. They dont think of the 25% STD rate among teens or all of the single moms. 3 somes are almost the norm with some girls and they are as bad as young guys.

I dont think your way of thinking is bad at all. You need to do whats best for you, and what you feel comfortable in doing. Having sex doesnt make you whole. Look at all the broken young people who are having sex in situations that are train wrecks.
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 23
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:31:56 PM

1: You're asking the wrong crowd. These are all people who are hoping teh internets will make a magical pony who is both sexy and loyal appear.

I just wanted to point out, that this is wrong. Its called not limiting your options (casting your net far and wide, as my dad said).
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 34
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:01:58 PM
OP I'm with you in the general aversion of "needs" and I pride myself on having minimal needs beyond the basic biological ones; pretty much everything else is optional, a "nice to have" I could live without, relationships and sex included. I also think you shouldn't lose any sleep on what "normal" people and society at large thinks of you, you are who you are and you don't have to be like everybody else.

On the other hand, I'm puzzled when you say more than once that others don't find you attractive. I'm not gonna lie and say you are a perfect ten or anything but you're easily above average on the looks department alone, and from your writing style you seem educated, smart and well spoken. Without further details, I find it hard to believe you're not being approached all the time; are you sure it's not all in your mind or is there any other critical missing information going on here ?
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 36
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:11:09 PM
Is it possible that you have Aspergers ? Aspies have trouble with non-verbal communication so that could explain it, though it's less common in females. Or maybe you have a funny voice ? I don't know, it seems pretty strange.. if it wasn't for the Atlantic between us I'd ask you out myself, out of curiosity if nothing more.
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 38
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:01:25 PM
I think you are wonderful, clauclau. And I don't think your experience would be that uncommon wer it not for the pressures young people place upon themselves to become sexually popular and/or socially 'normal'.

All in all it's a huge headache and with tongue in cheek my reply to your thread title is no, you really aren't missing all that much anyway.
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 41
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:20:05 PM
Have you tried traveling to a mediterranean or south american country ? There's a reason we have Latin lovers but English patients
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 43
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:43:06 AM

it's update time.

you started this thread 1.5 years ago. do you mean in all this time you still can't get a single date? No way I'm buying this, specially for a cute young woman in a huge city. If you can't find a single guy youre attracted to on here that wants to meet you, you have a set of impossible criteria we aren't aware of.

Finding that elusive "mututal attraction" "spark" etc etc is hard I will agree there, but you have to at least put yourself out there. If you have the attitude that you won't even try and something will fall in your lap, obviously you;re finding out that doesn't work so much.
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 48
view profile
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:18:58 PM
From what you have said i don't think there is anything wrong with you and your doing your best to connect with people. Maybe your a bit like me and on a different wave length to the people around you and unlucky in that you haven't had the opportunity to click with someone at the right time and they click with you too and not in a relationship. I guess some people are mis understood and maybe people think that you are someone that you are not and that happens to me a lot too which makes it harder to find love but that is just speculation.
I'm not sure how wide your interests are or what type of community you live in but maybe your just not in a crowd that is similar enough to you to increase the chances of a relationship. The internet helps by exposing you to a far bigger range of people. I understand that you are frustrated by this as it must be really hard as you have that stuck feeling and not knowing how to move forward, and i hope that something changes for you. I just hope that you don't lose hope of connecting with someone and become jaded.
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 55
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 12/26/2009 5:55:47 PM
One question. Do you act in real life similarly to how you type here? If so, that is the problem.

If you act in real life how you type here, then guys are turned off because you would seem like a pretentious (even if it's not an act), insufferable twat.

I am a writer and have no problem understanding the way you type. If I wanted to, I could even use the same writing style. So it's not because I simply don't understand.

Here's an example:

I am at a loss of what to do now.. It is hard to stay positive when there is no positive evidence to suggest being so. The only positivity I have is a sense of ever-wavering faith in the seemingly impossible.

Normal people would say:

"I'm not sure what to do. It's hard to stay positive when there's never been anything to be happy about. The only thing I can do is hope that things will change."

For you to act like that (if you do) just makes you seem snobbish, pretentious, one of the "elite", etc.

Now, other things. If the problem is that anybody you're interested in is not interested in you, it's probably because of your behaviour / personality. Do you act like a generally happy, upbeat person around potential dates? Or do you act all emo and sad, or even worse, in a monotone like you have no emotions?

I can definitely say that your appearance is not the problem since you have decent looks—especially considering there are so many women in London that are fat or have kids while they are still teenagers. It must be your personality. Honestly the only way to tell would be to spend 5 mins hanging out with you. Within the first 20 secs of talking with you I could make a good guess at the problem.

Whatever it is, I suggest you get your friends to tell you honestly what your personality flaws are.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 58
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:16:27 PM
I guess the main point of this rambling post is whether other people have different or similar views on the 'need' for relationships or sex? Sometimes I get self doubts I feel that there must be something missing in me because I have had literally NOTHING in terms of romance

It's not that you haven't been in an LTR. 21 is still young. You're a new-born to the bar scene... and still in college-age.

The real problem is "any kind of sexual experience". You've dated guys but no fooling around, at 21? I think if you go for shy guys who've had little sexual experience you won't find a problem at all. Problem is, you're not attracted to them. So... yes, statistically there is a problem, right?

In the end, socially/sexually active guys at 21+up are hesitant of gals who haven't crossed any base-paths yet... because there could easily be attachment ASAP. If you make it clear that you're not clingy and don't see sexual relations = relationship, then they'll be less hesitant.

OR just don't tell them. :) Seriously.... you're making it a big thing, hence, they'll see it (and should see it) as a big thing. Stop being so complicated. Treat it like kissing.
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 59
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:36:56 PM
Oh much much self-analysis. Are you this verbose in person too? Maybe guys start to nod off a bit if this is how your conversations go in general?
Get outside of yourself. This is just too much analyzing. Seriously.

The age thing is no big deal. Seeing enough people just "get it over with" just wasn't all that hot to me either. You aren't alone out there. Some people TALK about sex a lot. Doesn't mean they're doing it. Especially at 20, 21.
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 60
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:37:00 PM
Don't listen to any of those ppl who think there is something wrong w/you. There is absoultly nothing wrong with you! You are only 21! The fact that you are virgin is a valued asset & beautiful, hang on to it for as long as you can. There is nothing missing in you, either. Enjoy life, when the right man comes along, & he will, & you fall in love, things will happen naturally. You have the intelligence not to give yourself to a man who isn't the right one. So many ppl lose their viginity young, before they are mentally & emotionally ready, stay on the track you are on. You a young lady who values herself, & is making the right decisions.
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 62
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/26/2011 2:05:26 AM
It's normal to wonder --am I ok--until it happens, but you are right to choose carefully. Many have poor first experiences and aren't better for rushing to get it over with. All you can do is be social and fulfill your life yourself-being content, capable and progressive is appealing. If you are living your passions you will meet kindred people--befriend men and women and you will find a good choice by moving in your kind of circles. Mainly, you have to be ok with your status--others take their cue from you. You sound like you want to fit in vs be who you are.
There is never a need to apologize as long as you aren't hurting anybody or using avoidance
to cope with anxiety--the latter just makes your world narrow and uptight. Socializing helps because even if not dating, you are forming friendships which help isolation, gets you comfortable, feeing connected, supported and forming those skills you need in any interaction, professional or social.
Just have faith, no need to be pessimistic at a young age, even if not the norm. Who is, really, and does it matter? Anyone who likes you won't care, and the reverse is really more a concern.
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