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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Dumped, devastated and don't know why      Home login  
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 EnragedHamster
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 2
Dumped, devastated and don't know whyPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
In your story you're the only one that brings up a spark and connection. Although she admitted that she enjoyed the emails and asked you to go to the concert, she never said that you guys shared a great compatibility. Maybe she was still testing you out and realized that you weren't the right guy for her. Although the way she acted would lead one to believe that she did have developing feelings for you.

Perhaps you did something to turn her off? Or maybe she is going through something and since this relationship is new, she doesn't want to burden you with it. Perhaps theres an ex?

There are a ton of reasons as to why she just went from hot to cold on you and unless we hear her side of it, I don't think anyone can give you sound advice on getting her back.

All I can really offer is still being supportive if she needs it and try not to push her away too much. Since you guys didn't share a long lasting relationship, it'll be easier for her just to find someone new rather than falling back into old habits like you would do with a long time ex. It sounds like she's still trying to reach out to you by texting you and saying "I hope you're ok".. etc etc.. So maybe she just needed some space to work through something. The best thing to do isn't to block her out of your life where communication is completely stagnant, but instead show her what kind of man you are by being supportive and caring without being clingy. Maybe she'll come around. Good luck.
 CourtandSparkler
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 3
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:13:36 AM
Sounds like another case of commitment jitters
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 4
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:20:41 AM
Yanno' OP, I have read a lot of broken heart situations where you just want to shake the OP and scream, "They used you!" But yours is...different.

Of course we only get one side of the story...but it sounds to me like it was honest, and should have had a fairy tale ending!

Question...the times you spent together...was drinking always a part of it? Or mostly? You mention a hangover...am wondering if she woke one day and thought, "I can't do this...I am drinking too much...judgement being clouded by such?" And honestly...I have sort of been in that situation. The ONLY time I saw a certain someone, was when it revolved around booze or the next day slumber of such...so that was our only common denominator...and when I was sober...I did not feel as if there was anything there. (I am not talking alcoholic or anything! Just partying it up!)

I seriously doubt it is about another person...since she introduced you to her friends. Unless, she is still hung up on a fellow...and he maybe made a reappearance in her life since she met you? (sometimes well meaning friends can be overly enthusiastic about a new prospect simply because they are thrilled to see their friend "moving on.")

Really...instead of just accepting her "no spark" explanation...ask her to further elaborate. I think we have a right to know what went wrong in a relationship! I resent the sorts who think they can just be so flippant about breaking things off with someone, with some pitiful excuse!
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 7
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:31:49 AM

And I don't think theres another guy on the go, as I said, she was making plans for our next few weeks together and was rarely out.


Sweetie...I did not mean she was actively seeing another guy...or her future plans were not genuine at the time. I'm gonna use myself as an example here...argh...lol. I was in a mostly on, sometimes off relationship for 4 years. As soon as I would decide it was time to move on...it seemed he had some sort of radar hooked up to me...and would reappear in my life...and moronically (is that a word?!) it seemed better each time. I could have been talking to someone who I was reallly digging...but this guy would make me forget that in a millisecond. It's not an intentional thing!


I'm going for HarleyKats reply as my one to work from most ( if only because one of these days I want a Harley, not very common here in Scotland!)


It's as good of a reason, as any!
I say, get the Harley sooner! ;)
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 10
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:08:15 AM

...and I can assure you there was chemistry.

All you can really assure us is that YOU felt a chemistry. But you have no idea what's going on in HER head or heart.

Really, it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, the fact is that she just doesn't, and that's what matters. You sound like you're trying to move on, so I would suggest to just keep doing that. If she contacts you again, say "I already told you, I can't do the 'friends' thing, so unless you want to date, please stop contacting me". I would think that would stop it pretty quickly.
 pretty moon
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 11
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:12:34 AM
OP.......Some people need closure and others dont.......they just move on.....

It sounds like you need closure.......the thing is...maybe she's not even sure what the problem is..........it sounds like she was trying to keep some line of communication open by asking how you were getting on..even if she didnt show up in her little nurse outfit

You may want to get in touch with her....(not by text) and explain to her that you understand she doesnt want a relationship but you would appreciate her clearing up some confusion as to what happened.........

I will say your seeming to want her and then deleting everything concerning her ...and cutting her off when she calls seems a little like game playing to me..........

Perhaps things went a little too fast for her and she got a little scared and needed to back off........If she was hurt by a past relationship she might be in a protective mode.......In any event I wish you well and hope you get the closure you seek


GOOD LUCK
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:40:31 AM
^^^^^ I don't think he needs closure so much as some logical view on what happened to go from a near-relationship to nothing. I was in a similar situation recently and did the same thing, polled friends for their thoughts and then figure that I probably dodged a bullet. In his case, there may be something worth continuing to pursue so I see this less as needing closure than trying to make up his own mind about whether HE should rethink his decision to end things, period.

Listening to everything you said and the reposts, convo with Ms. Harley, et al it is possible that she believed she was ready for a relationship and when one was up in her face so to speak, she was a decent enough human being to acknowledge that she was not and stop seeing you before you were hurt further. Some people don't know themselves well enough to see it for themselves until several months into things when they then tell you they are not ready for a relationship, wtf?

Right now you are looking at severe disappointment and it sucks rocks, but that is better than her waiting to grow a set until you are hopelessly in love. In many cases, when we begin relationships under the wrong circumstances, even if it is with the right person, it is doomed to fail. I can understand your wanting to figure things out and wanting things to work but at this juncture, it may be best to walk away.

At the same token you do have an additional option. Tell her you appreciate her checking when you had the surgery (it really was a decent gesture) but your no communication stands at this time. Tell her you don't want any greater explanation for her decision and recognize that she may not even be able to articulate what motivated her but if her decision was related to her heart not really being available at this time rather than something else, and she feels differently several months down the road, you would be amenable to her contacting you at that time to see where you are in your life.

If she was feeling overwhelmed by things, this gives her some breathing room as well as carte blanche to figure out what is going on in her own head. I don't think the alcohol is an issue other than perhaps her feeling that that, coupled with the sex, clouded her judgment. Some people don't do well with head-over-heels and it may have scared the pants off her.
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 13
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:43:18 AM
I'm going to go against the grain here a little and here's why. You stated that she's tried to have communications with you and has been amicable after the break up. To me that's a sign that she's still interested but maybe a little confused. Someone mentioned there may be on old lover from the past still hanging around and that could be the problem. So at this point maybe she is kind of torn and confused and when people are like that most of the time they want to distance themselves to have time to think about what they really want. It's really easy to get caught up in the moment of a new relationship and it could take weeks to come off that high back to reality... sounds like what she did. She seems to have some possible issue she needs a resolution to especially if it's an x-lover. It sounds like you two hit it off though and maybe instead of giving up completely, show a little resolve and give her the space but remain close. I don't mean stalk her though, just give her enough control of the situation where you are comfortable with it and she has a sense of control. Don't ever let her see you crack under the pressure though ~ it will look like you are too needy.

I've been through something similiar and I basically let her have her wish for her space. Because it wasn't some drawn out drama full of anger and misgivings I allowed the door to stay open by staying friends with her. We talked and emailed each other and I was careful in how I approached her with any strong feelings I may have had. It actually worked really well because though I wasn't ignoring her I was also showing her that I was perfectly fine with the situation the way it was and could deal with her needing her space. In the end she did end up chasing me and calling/emailing me.

If you really like this girl then go for it but use some self control and always maintain a positive cheerful attitude. Women don't like that sad woe's me type attitude (men don't either) and it will turn them off, sometimes I think they pull these stunts just to test men (subconciously). Either way, remaining friends is always a good start ~ staying friends builds a foundation for something in the future to happen but go into this knowing that it may not turn out the way you want it but if you don't try to do something then you will always wonder. I only offer this advice because you said you did really like her. I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a romance many wish they could have.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 14
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:45:56 AM
While I know it ^^ happens...I think it is usually more of an excuse, disguised as being nice. If you meet someone and totally *CLICK*...in such a way as he described...you lose those fears...or you slow down...but you do not typically just END IT. At least not someone mature enough as in their 30's!

I mean, come on! WOW...it's awesome...I dig dude...I feel happy and wonderful and on cloud nine...and I am going to let my fears of...being happy??...get in the way??

I SO don't mesh with people like that!

Now...fear of HURTING someone...like she KNEW it would not last for whatever reason...but that's another story! ;)
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 17
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:14:48 AM

Now...fear of HURTING someone...like she KNEW it would not last for whatever reason...but that's another story! ;)


thus why I believe there could be an x-lover causing a conflict of interest.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 18
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:18:31 AM
I agree....someone else is getting in the way...thus why I mentioned it earlier, as well.

OP...I was replying to my girl PackageDeals post...while she is a very wise woman who's advice and opinions are always on cue...I just do not see it being the case with what you described. ;)
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 21
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:45:52 AM

I agree....someone else is getting in the way...thus why I mentioned it earlier, as well.


Agreed ~ in a situation like this, a woman's intuitive affirmation is always the best choice when discovering the issues.

OP if this is the case then you're clearly in a battle against an unrequited past with this young lady. There was another foundation laid that you may have to compete with. You seem to have established a foothold of your own, maintain good relations and coversation with her without pushing things, especially to confirm this (which you may never get it out of her anyways if you tried now). If she truly pierced your heart in a good way then give it some time to win her over. In time you'll decide if this is worth your effort or if you should just move on. Only you can really decide what you want and what's valuable to you as far as time invested and your future. No one can blame you for trying though in this situation.

Good luck
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 24
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:12:52 AM

Well, you are right in that everything was fine then after the London trip it wasn't.

But I've bugger all to hide, was an innocent trip for work. Why on earth could that spell the end to a relationship?


We all like to have answers, closure, ect... we can only assume things though unless the other party reveals their part. In assuming, sounds like there was distance and a bit of breathing room for her due to your trip. I'm assuming that the communication wasn't as prevalent as it was when you weren't on your trip? She may have been lonely and the mysterious x shows up to console her with conversation thus confusing the situation. This is only an assumption though. It could be something totally different.

But at this point, you're worrying on the minor and letting the major slip by. You really won't know til she tells you exactly why. Therefore if you really want to know then find out from the source. Be tactful but don't be brash or in a hurry to find out or you may find she closes the door on you. In other words don't push yourself on her to find out why. Just work on continuing that foundation and getting a feel for if this is what YOU want. It sounds like you want this girl really bad (in a good way)... go for it but use tact because she still seems to have interest in you. That's where you will find your answer.
 JungleKing66
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 25
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:16:09 AM
One other thing. This isn't about you. I don't think you purposely created the issue of conflict. Whatever happens don't lose the faith and don't get down on yourself. There are plenty of women out there that would respect and appreciate who you are and the things you do for them.
 breisme
Joined: 6/6/2008
Msg: 26
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:24:46 AM
Okay, you stated that you both were planning a future...Hmmm, I think that is unrealistic after only knowing one another for a couple weeks. You also stated on a couple occasions that you went to "bed" together. Call me old fasioned, but any woman who sleeps with a man from an internet dating site that quickly, isn't one I would be planning a future with. What makes you so special to think you are the only one this has happened with? In my opinion, you filled in some time. Meaning, there is more than likly an ex that is now back in the picture.
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 27
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:25:03 AM
If nothing else, your trip gave her time to think. I do agree with previous posters who mentioned the pace (you said "not rushing anything" but it sounds like you were) and the alcohol. I can see really enjoying your company (and it is sometimes nicer to have male company rather than your girlfriends) and having a great time with you, but then having second thoughts once the excitement dies down. Sounds like she was coming off of a hangover night where she slept with you and then you left for 3 days? Gives a girl pause... maybe she was thinking "I'm drinking too much; I slept with him way too soon; this guy is just not so good for me, no matter how much I like him." I can totally see that happening. If you realize that things are going way too fast, it's often much easier to end the relationship, then to go back and try to re-pace it (sex is the most intimate, special thing you can give someone-after that card's been played, there's not much left).

I know that some people will disagree (but lots will back me up), but if you see a woman as a potential serious relationship, hold off on sleeping with her as long as you possibly can. A man who is easy to get into bed oftens becomes a fun placeholder until a real keeper (read "trust", "self-control", "discipline", "confidence"; very desired masculine traits that are compromised by casual sex) comes along. I hope that's not the case because you do seem like a decent guy. It's just that the respect for sex as belonging only in a committed relationship is one of the only things that helps one tell the "nice guys" from the players (even if lots of "nice guys" do tend to cross that line). I actually do think there still seems to be interest on her part but without knowing her side of the story, it's tough to know what to tell you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:40:06 AM
Your original post was to try to figure out what motivated her but also whether you should let things stand or pursue it. I think the one thing that would give me pause is the fact that she is 38 and rather than telling you this is moving too fast, she ended it.

If the trip to London changed things I think it would be related to reduced communication and her taking a step back. You pretty much went from a great dating thing to instant relationship when you chose to become intimate and once you get there, dialing it back is difficult. But at 38 she should have been able to articulate this if that is what happened.

The other problem is that there are dozens of scenarios but do any of them change the almost passive-aggressive behavior? She ends it, yet she continues contact. Is this isolated or the way she deals with problems?
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 30
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:53:55 PM
I have done a similar stuff with one of the guys. I was exited about meeting and starting dating him. But over a course of few weeks I realized that I was not that into him in order to see him on a constant regular basis. I didn't want to BS him and come with stories that I am busy this weekend and next.
I was o.k. in the beginning but didn't really have that level of interest in order to continue doing it for a long period of time.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 31
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:51:45 PM
You seem like a nice guy but come on. Can we be honest; its just another classic internet hook up; do you think this is her first rodeo? come on.

Why do people think they have this incredible magic when they meet someone online. Almost all people feel a connection because its a shallow one. Then they jump into bed and try to figure out if it will work. Thats dysfunctional I think.

I think its also on you too; I got the vibes just reading this post.

Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.

This is why you can't move so dang fast on the internet. You talk to someone a short time, screw them and play house for a couple of days, and then look at the train wreck. It happens all the time.

I dont get where people think they can know someone after chatting for a month on the internet. Slow down and smell the coffee.

You wax poetically like this is romeo and juliet; if it was so amazing she wouldnt' have bolted. Again, GO SLOW. You moved way too fast. This is just another internet hookup.
 CDNGIRL99
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 32
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:11:41 AM
Please dont decide to be a jerk. I have felt the same way a few times. This isnt about you. This seems to be an issue with her. Sounds to me like you were reading all the right signals and were going with the flow. You sounds like one of the good guys. Remember "Never allow someone to be your priority while remaining their option" This dating this is hard. You never know how much communication is to much or to little. Good luck sweetie and I hope it works out for you. PS I ve been told I snore a little as well.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 34
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:20:33 AM
Three weeks is a pretty typical time frame to date someone and be initially interested, get to know someone a bit and then either see something that makes it look like things won't work out, or just not develop stronger feelings for someone. I don't think there's any big mystery (though something in particular could have bothered her about you, but if it's just a part of your personality, do you really want to know? Sometimes, I think these things are better left unsaid). I am surprised that you cut off contact so quickly after a text message that just said that there wasn't a spark. I like to have a conversation in person (or at least on the phone) to get some closure and say goodbye. It seems like a particularly abrupt ending. No need to "play it cool." You can express emotion when someone breaks up with you. I think you are entitled to that. Maybe she wasn't even breaking up, but just telling you how she felt. Do you really have to block her?
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 36
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:28:17 AM
OP,
With all due respect, you just had a very sensible, intelligent MAN (I know lots of men ignore women 'cause they figure we just can't understand how a guy feels) give you some really good advice and you immediately threw up this big defensive wall. He's asking you to look in the mirror and you don't want to. Do you really want to handle it better next time? Then listen to your fellow "dudes" on here when they're actually trying to help you. I can tell you, with 99% certainty, that mthomjmark is exactly what lots and lots of the women on here are looking for (I sure know I'm sitting here thinking I wish I lived in Napa!) and he stuck himself out there trying to help you. For that reason only, you might want to pay attention. That's a guy friend you might want to make. I think you could learn a lot from him.

P.S. I'm an incredibly passionate person too. But passion does not have to exist without discipline and self-control, and it certainly has nothing to do with jumping in bed with someone just because you both want to. You're way offbase implying that people who have a proper respect for sex aren't "passionate"; they're just a little wiser.
 Pandora05
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 37
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:48:28 AM
Read your posting, it struck me that there was a little bit of a rush to have this great connection. I think it takes time to be honest. She did seem interested, from what you said, but perhaps it was moving a little too rapidly. First impressions are important, but lasting ones are going to make the relationship stick. It's hard because you liked her, and felt a really good connection. Yet, there is something not quite right about the situation, i.e. why did she suddenly become so distant. Was something said, or implied? Did you push her too much into what you had in mind, rather than her idea of what a relationship should be? You sound like a caring and very nice individual, and perhaps it just about putting it behind you and to keep on looking. I think potential relationships are like new clothes, we try them on and see if they fit, and if they are not what we want, well we take them back to the store. Harsh, but it seems to be the norm these days. Perhaps, she was trying you on, or it may be there is another person in the picture. Anyway, good luck and definitely move on.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 38
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:00:32 AM

With all due respect, you just had a very sensible, intelligent MAN give you some really good advice and you immediately threw up this big defensive wall


Some of it was good advice, but when you start making condescending remarks people tend to get defensive, I know I would.



Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.


What does that have to do with anything?

When you say something like that, your not giving out good advice, you are making fun of him.

Anyway chock it up to lessons learned.
 OneBeachlvr
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 40
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:40:01 AM

When you say something like that, your not giving out good advice, you are making fun of him.


I don't read it like that at all. I think it's obvious that most of the posters actually think Stuart (OP) is pretty cool. However, I'm guessing the guy saw him ignoring all the women's subtle hints that maybe he was looking at it a little too much from his own perspective and that perhaps some portion of self-centeredness and too much eagerness might have come into play and distorted his view of what was really happening. So the guy decided to give it to him straight. We all need that sometimes when we're blinded by our own distorted version of events. I sure know I've needed a kick in the head once in awhile! Anyway, everyone likes the OP; I don't see anyone making fun of him. If you don't like someone, why even waste your time posting on the thread?

BTW, you can't chock it up to lessons learned if you didn't learn anything, or you're not sure what you learned! I think the desire (that most men have) for that instant connection is still there and I'm not sure if he's learned that it doesn't mean the relationship is good since instant connections are usually almost completely physical. I do hope this thread was useful though.
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