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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Dumped, devastated and don't know why      Home login  
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 CourtandSparkler
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 3
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Dumped, devastated and don't know whyPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Sounds like another case of commitment jitters
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 4
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 7:20:41 AM
Yanno' OP, I have read a lot of broken heart situations where you just want to shake the OP and scream, "They used you!" But yours is...different.

Of course we only get one side of the story...but it sounds to me like it was honest, and should have had a fairy tale ending!

Question...the times you spent together...was drinking always a part of it? Or mostly? You mention a hangover...am wondering if she woke one day and thought, "I can't do this...I am drinking too much...judgement being clouded by such?" And honestly...I have sort of been in that situation. The ONLY time I saw a certain someone, was when it revolved around booze or the next day slumber of such...so that was our only common denominator...and when I was sober...I did not feel as if there was anything there. (I am not talking alcoholic or anything! Just partying it up!)

I seriously doubt it is about another person...since she introduced you to her friends. Unless, she is still hung up on a fellow...and he maybe made a reappearance in her life since she met you? (sometimes well meaning friends can be overly enthusiastic about a new prospect simply because they are thrilled to see their friend "moving on.")

Really...instead of just accepting her "no spark" explanation...ask her to further elaborate. I think we have a right to know what went wrong in a relationship! I resent the sorts who think they can just be so flippant about breaking things off with someone, with some pitiful excuse!
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 7
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 8:31:49 AM

And I don't think theres another guy on the go, as I said, she was making plans for our next few weeks together and was rarely out.


Sweetie...I did not mean she was actively seeing another guy...or her future plans were not genuine at the time. I'm gonna use myself as an example here...argh...lol. I was in a mostly on, sometimes off relationship for 4 years. As soon as I would decide it was time to move on...it seemed he had some sort of radar hooked up to me...and would reappear in my life...and moronically (is that a word?!) it seemed better each time. I could have been talking to someone who I was reallly digging...but this guy would make me forget that in a millisecond. It's not an intentional thing!


I'm going for HarleyKats reply as my one to work from most ( if only because one of these days I want a Harley, not very common here in Scotland!)


It's as good of a reason, as any!
I say, get the Harley sooner! ;)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:40:31 AM
^^^^^ I don't think he needs closure so much as some logical view on what happened to go from a near-relationship to nothing. I was in a similar situation recently and did the same thing, polled friends for their thoughts and then figure that I probably dodged a bullet. In his case, there may be something worth continuing to pursue so I see this less as needing closure than trying to make up his own mind about whether HE should rethink his decision to end things, period.

Listening to everything you said and the reposts, convo with Ms. Harley, et al it is possible that she believed she was ready for a relationship and when one was up in her face so to speak, she was a decent enough human being to acknowledge that she was not and stop seeing you before you were hurt further. Some people don't know themselves well enough to see it for themselves until several months into things when they then tell you they are not ready for a relationship, wtf?

Right now you are looking at severe disappointment and it sucks rocks, but that is better than her waiting to grow a set until you are hopelessly in love. In many cases, when we begin relationships under the wrong circumstances, even if it is with the right person, it is doomed to fail. I can understand your wanting to figure things out and wanting things to work but at this juncture, it may be best to walk away.

At the same token you do have an additional option. Tell her you appreciate her checking when you had the surgery (it really was a decent gesture) but your no communication stands at this time. Tell her you don't want any greater explanation for her decision and recognize that she may not even be able to articulate what motivated her but if her decision was related to her heart not really being available at this time rather than something else, and she feels differently several months down the road, you would be amenable to her contacting you at that time to see where you are in your life.

If she was feeling overwhelmed by things, this gives her some breathing room as well as carte blanche to figure out what is going on in her own head. I don't think the alcohol is an issue other than perhaps her feeling that that, coupled with the sex, clouded her judgment. Some people don't do well with head-over-heels and it may have scared the pants off her.
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 14
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 9:45:56 AM
While I know it ^^ happens...I think it is usually more of an excuse, disguised as being nice. If you meet someone and totally *CLICK*...in such a way as he described...you lose those fears...or you slow down...but you do not typically just END IT. At least not someone mature enough as in their 30's!

I mean, come on! WOW...it's awesome...I dig dude...I feel happy and wonderful and on cloud nine...and I am going to let my fears of...being happy??...get in the way??

I SO don't mesh with people like that!

Now...fear of HURTING someone...like she KNEW it would not last for whatever reason...but that's another story! ;)
 HarleyKat~
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 18
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:18:31 AM
I agree....someone else is getting in the way...thus why I mentioned it earlier, as well.

OP...I was replying to my girl PackageDeals post...while she is a very wise woman who's advice and opinions are always on cue...I just do not see it being the case with what you described. ;)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:40:06 AM
Your original post was to try to figure out what motivated her but also whether you should let things stand or pursue it. I think the one thing that would give me pause is the fact that she is 38 and rather than telling you this is moving too fast, she ended it.

If the trip to London changed things I think it would be related to reduced communication and her taking a step back. You pretty much went from a great dating thing to instant relationship when you chose to become intimate and once you get there, dialing it back is difficult. But at 38 she should have been able to articulate this if that is what happened.

The other problem is that there are dozens of scenarios but do any of them change the almost passive-aggressive behavior? She ends it, yet she continues contact. Is this isolated or the way she deals with problems?
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 30
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 3:53:55 PM
I have done a similar stuff with one of the guys. I was exited about meeting and starting dating him. But over a course of few weeks I realized that I was not that into him in order to see him on a constant regular basis. I didn't want to BS him and come with stories that I am busy this weekend and next.
I was o.k. in the beginning but didn't really have that level of interest in order to continue doing it for a long period of time.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 31
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/3/2008 4:51:45 PM
You seem like a nice guy but come on. Can we be honest; its just another classic internet hook up; do you think this is her first rodeo? come on.

Why do people think they have this incredible magic when they meet someone online. Almost all people feel a connection because its a shallow one. Then they jump into bed and try to figure out if it will work. Thats dysfunctional I think.

I think its also on you too; I got the vibes just reading this post.

Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.

This is why you can't move so dang fast on the internet. You talk to someone a short time, screw them and play house for a couple of days, and then look at the train wreck. It happens all the time.

I dont get where people think they can know someone after chatting for a month on the internet. Slow down and smell the coffee.

You wax poetically like this is romeo and juliet; if it was so amazing she wouldnt' have bolted. Again, GO SLOW. You moved way too fast. This is just another internet hookup.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 34
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:20:33 AM
Three weeks is a pretty typical time frame to date someone and be initially interested, get to know someone a bit and then either see something that makes it look like things won't work out, or just not develop stronger feelings for someone. I don't think there's any big mystery (though something in particular could have bothered her about you, but if it's just a part of your personality, do you really want to know? Sometimes, I think these things are better left unsaid). I am surprised that you cut off contact so quickly after a text message that just said that there wasn't a spark. I like to have a conversation in person (or at least on the phone) to get some closure and say goodbye. It seems like a particularly abrupt ending. No need to "play it cool." You can express emotion when someone breaks up with you. I think you are entitled to that. Maybe she wasn't even breaking up, but just telling you how she felt. Do you really have to block her?
 Pandora05
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 37
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:48:28 AM
Read your posting, it struck me that there was a little bit of a rush to have this great connection. I think it takes time to be honest. She did seem interested, from what you said, but perhaps it was moving a little too rapidly. First impressions are important, but lasting ones are going to make the relationship stick. It's hard because you liked her, and felt a really good connection. Yet, there is something not quite right about the situation, i.e. why did she suddenly become so distant. Was something said, or implied? Did you push her too much into what you had in mind, rather than her idea of what a relationship should be? You sound like a caring and very nice individual, and perhaps it just about putting it behind you and to keep on looking. I think potential relationships are like new clothes, we try them on and see if they fit, and if they are not what we want, well we take them back to the store. Harsh, but it seems to be the norm these days. Perhaps, she was trying you on, or it may be there is another person in the picture. Anyway, good luck and definitely move on.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 38
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:00:32 AM

With all due respect, you just had a very sensible, intelligent MAN give you some really good advice and you immediately threw up this big defensive wall


Some of it was good advice, but when you start making condescending remarks people tend to get defensive, I know I would.



Look at it; EXTREMELY long; expecting people to read every word; high maintenance. You could have said the same thing with 1/3 of the words. She text you and you say,"where are my kisses". OMG. thats not romantic thats wimpy.


What does that have to do with anything?

When you say something like that, your not giving out good advice, you are making fun of him.

Anyway chock it up to lessons learned.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 42
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:42:16 AM
Too bad some people don't read into it very well. I've had people tell me I said one thing when I actually said something quite different. Thanks for correcting us, even I didn't realize you did not say that.



So the guy decided to give it to him straight. We all need that sometimes when we're blinded by our own distorted version of events.


True, but to give it to him straight you have to get your facts straight first. Since we confirmed he misquoted him already.

There is a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it.

You should be supportive, not condescending. But still be truthful.
 cricket99999
Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 44
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:11:08 PM

You should be supportive, not condescending. But still be truthful.


It is easier to be supportive than to be truthful. But it's truthful advice that is most valuable. The posters offering the best advice walk a fine line, and it's a thankless job. It wasn't condescending, IMO, to say what was said. The point was that both parties seemed caught up in all these romantic magical moments. But it was like a house of cards, and when the wind changed direction it didn't hold up.
 MusicChef
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 49
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:02:35 AM
Dood... Listen man...: These dating sites, while nice to meet people if you have the charm to further to a real life meeting, pose a problem in a few serious ways:
1. With SOOOOO many options out there, women -and I do mean WOMEN ESPECIALLY because men are ALL OVER THEM- have tons of men to choose from. We are all options not commitments.
2. It also puts alot of the wrong people in the place to foster 24-72hr romances. That is to say that people want a shot of high intensity romance and when the 'vibe' goes away they have no intention of staying. SOOOO... BACK TO THE POF POND for another new fix.
3. Dood... You hit it. What's the problem? You had some great sex with no consequences and you got to walk out with your freedom! You got a great memory & a masterbation fantasy for a while anyway...? Mission accomplished!
4. Dewder, if she didn't feel you after a while and didn't appreciate your advances to become a couple & give it back to you then why would you want to invest more time and emotion into something that is not paying back for you? Love is just like business man in that:
A. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they don't give it back it's kind of like giving away free product. The product is 2 things Your love & your lifetime. 1 will take you time to find someone to give it too and the other can never be bought back again or made up -it's lost forever. There is no reliving lost time.
B. No matter how you love someone, if they are an phuk up and just constantly are in turmoil emotionally, financially, their kids are undisciplined havoc wreakers that she never does a thing about while you stand there in constant aggravation of watching her do the proverbial Downward Spiral I think maybe love is not enough in that situation and it's time to cut your losses and find a new business partner.
C. All of you need to let go of hope. You cannot base your happiness upon the deeds of others, for what is given can be taken away. Don't ever buy into 'love' love just enough to feel & make them feel wonderful. But, no one can complete you or make you feel whole. You have your own life to live & you were an independant sovergn being before you met them and fell inlove. Don't give up or modify your life. Don't expect anything from anyone. Give them just enough but keep more then they know you have. You will never again be feeling they way you do right now if you at least just try what I am saying.
 OhWhatsInaName
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 53
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:38:38 AM
smff73 - "are you sad, hurt, even exasperated and hence need some better understanding here?"

I say this by way of example of a more natural (yet uncommon) way of being, living, speaking, and understanding our world, and in particular relationships, and ultimately I believe is a more direct and effective way of achieving total fulfillment. (see cnvc.org)

Its about becoming aware of and focusing on feelings and needs - everybody's feelings and needs, and getting out of 'figuring it out' - something I've done for way too long with negligible benefit. Its about getting out of our culture's dominant judgmental habit, even the most subtle kind like "he/she shouldn't have done...", or labeling her problem like," she has the commitment jitters', all of which just disconnects us from each other - the total opposite of what we all need. Its about taking full responsibility for all aspects of our being - kinda that Jungian self actualization thing. And its much more... yet it is child-like simplicity (the nvc method) suggests great wisdom.

Here's an nvc axiom that I hope may shed some light and inspiration:
' In all communications we are essentially saying only 1 of 2 basic things - either 1) Please, or 2) Thankyou'.

So when your date says "sorry, theres no spark and I'm devastated...", she's effectively saying, "Please help me, I'm feeling devastated because I'm not feeling the deep connection I had before and really need to understand..?" (Of course asking directly is a must to get clarity and build a meaningful connection.)

This reframing in terms of her feeling and needs, automatically enables me to realize its all about her pain, her stuff. And only she can take responsibility for her needs. Yet from there arises my natural need to help. Does that arise for you?

If it does, imagine the possibilities if you had a direct empathetic discussion with her about her feelings and needs. And its doing 'empathy' that counts.

And, I hope you also get the idea of staying out of 'figuring it out/ fixing it'. When you go there, your essentially taking responsibility for her stuff, and hence interfering with her other need for autonomy.. a big one. But you knew that, right?

The aim is to take full responsibility for all your own needs while at the same time being aware and seeking ways that fulfill both your needs and everyone else involved. Sales people know this as achieving the Win-Win. Sales people are also learning that a Win-Lose, ie I get my needs at the expense of someone else, always degenerates into a Lose-Lose...just another version of karma.

So "Can I get her back?" - well that will always be up to her and how she chooses to fulfill her needs. But imagine living and speaking in a way that is much more likely to get all your needs met. Isn't that the goal?

I've focused on her feeling and needs. The same method (nvc) works well for managing your own. My guess is that you have a need to contribute to her. So why not start the conversation by simply stating your feelings and needs on this, and asking for a discussion? But don't take my word on this. Check out the nvc way (cnvc.org).
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 54
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:20:21 PM
Am I ever glad that I stumbled upon this Post. I think that EVERYONE has given great advice also.

Smff. I am in pretty much the exact same situation as you. I've dated lots of women over hte past 12 years and this one had "special" written ALL over it from the moment I saw her smile when we met for the first time. We dated for two months ,had a great night one sunday, I sent her a nice email the next morning (monday) which she didnt respond to. Tuesday I sent another one asking if she would like to get together wednesday or thursday. She finally reponded on wednesday and said she was tired and would be tired the next day. :( Sensing something was wrong, I called her on Thursday and got the "I need a break speech", but said she was not dumping me. This was over two weeks ago. We swapped a couple of emails last week but nothing major. I did ask her if I could see her before shen went to columbia for 5 weeks. I was pretty much told that she would be to busy.

I don't remember if your post said how long the girl had been out of her previous relationship? The girl I am with had been divorced for a year but I was the first person she went out with. I believe (AM HOPING and PRAYING) that she got scared and it can be salvaged.

She told me early on that she didn't think she could meet the perfect guy the first time and that she was scared of making a mistake. (i've told her the whole time that I understood that if she met other people, as long as I was in the game, I figured my personality and traits would win out (certanily not my looks) Chuckle chuckle :)

I do think that when some people get scared that their internal "Fight or Flight" mechanisms kick in and some Run and some stay and fight so to speak.

In one of last emails I got, she said that I liked her to much and she told me not to. :( I can't imagine a woman complaining that a guy liked her to much.

I say since you like her, then GO for it (although try to do it with the least amount of pressure as you can). But definitely let her know that you have not gone anywhere. I am Mailing some bubble bath and lotion and a beattles CD tommorrow. HOPING it will give her something to think about in Colombia. This will be my last attempt though. If nothing positive comes of it, I'll be giving up and moving on to a woman who appreciates my attention and affection.

I Hope this thread keeps going. LOTS of good information in here.

Sorry that this was so Long ALL.
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 56
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 1:20:21 PM
I say, since you like her and liked her a lot, you should respond and just see what happens. Maybe she realized she made a mistake and is just trying to get her foot back in the door by feeling you out a little bit.

I had a woman basicaly dump me one day, then the next send me a text saying she thinks she made a mistake and could we talk. Of course, I got dumped again about a month later. :)

You said you felt something wtih this girl that you haven't felt before. You should give it a chance. I believe that she might have just gotten scared and bolted and has now had time to sort things out in her mind.

I've been praying for a little "hey you" email. .
 missgenie
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 68
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:50:28 PM
maybe she is sorry and wants to make up...we all say foolish things from time to time that later we regret... take the high road and unblock her, at least for a conversation or two and see what happens.
 Jar61
Joined: 6/30/2006
Msg: 69
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:59:01 PM
Sorry about your deal Blondechef.

Sounds like a lot of us are in this same predicament. He says he wants to be friends, so I would try to just leave it in his court. Hopefully he will clear his head, realize what a great catch you are and you can get back on tract.

How long has it been since youve heard from him?
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 71
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:18:23 PM
Apologies , if it sounds rough... but welcome to reality.
You felt a wonderful connection.
Obviously she did not.
She played along .... even sleeping with you... which says a lot about her lack of character.
Here's a great definition of Life .. " It's what happens while we are busy making other plans"
Get over it.. move on.... You won't get her back ... simply because you never had her .

Next time... try to realize that great sex ... soon in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you actually "have" a relationship.
 princej3822
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 72
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:19:31 PM
You seem like a great guy...the type women always by pass until they realize they have been wasting time on dead end relationships. I don't think you will find problems finding someone who appreciates you. Biggest thing is don't enter your next relationship with any hard feelings, keep your cool and be yourself. Karma is a nice thing, do well by the next girl who chersihes you and this one that broke your heart will quickly fade. Above all, keep your dignity and even if she is trying to make peace, don't jump into anything too fast. If you respect yoursefl, you will attract people who are of high calibre. Keep fishing and until you are in a committed relationship, always keep your options open by going out with other people.....doesn't mean you have to make out with each of them. Good luck!
 Race25
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 77
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Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:00:56 AM
Could it be your poor language skills?
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 79
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:30:18 AM
I have often in life met women and thought we clocked just fine only to have them turn cold on me. I feel your pain, buddy.
 whatsallthis
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 80
Dumped, devastated and don't know why
Posted: 9/13/2008 9:30:41 AM
I have often in life met women and thought we clocked just fine only to have them turn cold on me. I feel your pain, buddy. I have almost completely lost hope.
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