Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 STH III
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortlessPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
All relationships take a little work but it you spend all you time making it right something is really really wrong. A mature relationship should be one in which you enjoy being with eah other and respect your differences and arguments should be rare. Just my two cents.
 Van_the_man_Unusual
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 6
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:09:34 PM
I'm putting a lot and I mean A LOT of effort into developing my current "relationship" but getting very little of that effort in return from her. And no I'm not giving up yet(I'm very very stubborn about giving up on things).
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:17:55 PM
Once I was speaking with a very wise friend of mine about some difficulties I was having with a b/f. He (the wise friend) stopped me and said "imagine a relationship with no work."
Huh?
He continued "Can you have a relationship with no work?"
No I said with certainty.
So, no wonder your relationship takes work; you've designed it that way.

Dayum but he was right.
 acitalriwt sixela
Joined: 5/5/2008
Msg: 14
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:24:43 PM
Wolf you worry too much of the word "work".

Simply answer is two people can not be a like, so disagreement will happen. They must both communicate and listen and make some compromizes or changes to fit each other.
 simply_me07
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 15
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:59:25 AM
wow thats a good question

the best way to answer this, is by using the analogy of housing

in our 20 s do we buy houses ( I think not lol) we rent appartments or lease condos BECAUSE it requires little or no effort right

but as we mature we go into houses and to do that takes effort and a lot!

takecare
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/7/2008 2:15:24 AM
There is a common myth that good relationships are hard work.
Yes, there should be some work involved. You can't get good at anything unless you work at it.
But, there's work that you do which you enjoy doing, and there's work you do which you don't enjoy.
If you have to work at it too much, you're probably not enjoying it very much.
The more effort you are putting into just to getting along with the other person, the less worthwhile it undoubtedly is and the less enjoyment you are getting out of it.

So, are good relationships hard ?
No.....

Good relationships are easy, bad relationships are hard.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:49:32 AM
message 14 - wolf...thinking reading your post - "I love my work".....some work is so rewarding it hardly feels like work, but it does take effort.

i think of this in regards to parenting - my god it is the HARDEST work and takes the MOST effort and it's 24 hours and it's forever (feels like forever, but even with grown children, i still am their parent and still am on call 24 hours :)....

and yet having been a parent over half my life, it is the most rewarding work i have ever had....and I would be a different person had I not been so blessed to have this work and have to put in so much effort all these years.

i think of a relationship as similar - yes, it does take effort for me to be the best person and partner I can be - like it takes effort for me to be the best parent I can be.....and perhaps the hardest part is seeing all the times I am not and needing to work on myself to continue to improve....for that is to me one of the greatest gifts of a relationship - they show us what work we still need to do on ourselves! (to be the most loving people we can be.)

to me it's like giving relationships due care and attention - for those people who mean the most to me, yes, they are the most rewarding work I can do...including my relationship with me.

by the way, OP, to me the word 'should' is not part of the issue - relationships do seem to take effort to survive....remember most here are a particular sociological group you are asking - did we all put in the effort that perhaps was needed to make our relationships work? i know I did not.
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 36
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/7/2008 12:15:07 PM
relationships take effort..there's no way around it..i dont care if you've been married 5 minutes..or 50 years..
 FunnyMikey
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 39
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/7/2008 1:38:18 PM
I personally feel if you're with the right person, you'll never feel like the relationship is taking an "effort" to keep it going. There might be other things like finances or finding a place to live etc. that take effort, but the being in love part and enjoying being with eachother shouldn't take any effort at all if you're with the right person...
 blue70
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 50
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/9/2008 8:25:25 PM
Gawd, don't tell me I'm going to type this....they're work and sometimes need a little pushing- just like a fart!

 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:01:02 PM
Relationships definitely take lots of effort and give and take, and sacrifices, they say you get what you put in, well I don't know how true that is because you can put in alot and not get nothing in return. but I do know that you will never get more than what you are willing to put in.........
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 59
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:53:54 AM
Thats the reason he should shut down. Its easy to be by yourself but relationships take a lot of work.

Time doesn't just make things happen. Effort does. Anyone that says it should just fall in place is not willing to sacrifice anything of themselves to make it work.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 60
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:42:50 AM
This is my first posting ever on POF, but here goes...

It would be my opinion, that there's some difference between the "getting to know someone" phase of relating, to the "dating exclusively" phase of relating to the..."we're in a relationship" phase and then... hopefully, followed by the "happily ever after" and then the last end "the not happy ever again" portion.

Each has it's own inherent issues, clearly or we wouldn't so many of us be 1. divorced and 2 single and 3. on an internet dating site.

For me, I don't believe that the dating relationship should require a great deal of effort or duress to maintain it. To me the dating relationship SHOULD in fact be easy and effortless.

If it isn't. I think that's a significant indicator that the likelihood of this altering and becoming a valued and cherished relationship in the end is slim or none.

I think it's entirely possible that people can successfully have lasting relationships with each other that ARE effortless.

I also think it's entirely necessary that once in a committed, long-term relationship both people acknowledge - life's not always going to be rosey and bliss filled. Work and effort will be mandatory from BOTH parties. Hopefully, they will love each other deeply and value their companion enough to choose to want to put forth the effort.

When we love someone we WANT and desire to do for them what makes them happy.

Would that this feeling did indeed remain through out all, on both parties count.
We wouldn't have many divorces nor unhappy children wondering where their Mommy or Daddy went.
 imsickofthegame
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 67
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:19:44 AM
Everything takes effort. The best relationships are ones that find both partners happily MAKING the effort and not realizing it just because they care about each other.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:38:51 PM
I think there is flux in long term relationships... couples who have been married for a long time report that sometimes it is hard and difficult you feel that you are trudging uphill and carrying your partner at that!!! Then at times you coast.. and relax.. and enjoy the journey.

I believe it is unrealistic to not expect conflict in a marriage.. even a close friendship has conflict from time to time.. after all you are melding two sepearate invidivudals into one in a marriage.. that in itself is cause for conflict.

But it is in learning how to work together.. love in spite of the hardships.. and perserverance that our characters are developed and we are transformed along this journey.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 80
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 10:36:03 AM
Wow....how amazing to just happen to look here and see a quote of mine from my good friend above......
I would like to add, as that quote was from last year - regarding effort and effortlessness.....as in all things in life (and death perhaps), my thoughts these days are
balance is the key to everything.....
So there will be times that will seem effortless when things just flow and everyone flows in harmony.....
And then there will be times when it seems effort is required - perhaps to work through aspects of each person or the relationship itself when things are appearing not to flow, or when we are questioning ourselves or a part of lives, each other, etc.
I know of nothing in life that is effortless all the time, nor anything that takes effort all the time.....
I also think most of our perspective on the degree of effort or not we put into something has a great deal to do with our beliefs.....if we believe something is effortless, it usually is....and if we believe something will be hard work, it very often is.....
So balance and personal perspective and belief in each moment seem to be what tells me if something is taking effort, or not.
I am starting to think we have the choice in how we view something as we become more conscious - allowing for understanding there might be a gap between our actions and our realization and awareness about those actions, words, feelings, etc.
A couple more thoughts - (sorry this got so long)....
Many compare relationships to a garden....flowers need water to grow (and sun and love).....
Well, perhaps it depends on if you consider watering your garden something that takes effort, or do you just do it joyfully and not think of it as work?
I guess it might come down to another question - do you believe love is effortless, or does it take effort for you to love and receive love?
Me - loving is not what takes effort - it's when I don't feel loving that seems to take time and extra care to understand...and more love.
 painter0070
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 81
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 10:46:31 AM
From my experience.....everything takes a little give and take.....
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 4:24:27 PM
If relationships were so easy then none of us would have to ever work at finding the right person....and then you wouldnt have to put forth an effort to communicate, or appreciate each other or do things for each other.......right???? heck everything worth having in life takes work and thats not a bad thing it makes the prize that much more rewarding......and finding the right person is definitely a prize .....keeping them is the effort......
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 84
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 4:53:17 PM
(...enters thread laughing softly to self at how my good friend Capitano invariably gets 'em riled up)

The thing about threads like these, is they are revealing about people's attitudes to what is 'work' or 'energy'... because some interpret effort as hard work and others as energy and attention.

I do not believe relating with a compatible person requires work... by its nature, if you need to work at it that hard, you're not really very compatible. At the same time, as with all "labour's of love" you certainly aren't going to get very far down life's path if you are not fully invested in it... and that requires investing time and attention.

Being in a relationship with another holds a mirror up to show you who you are... and peeling away the onion skin layers of our psyche and becoming a better person also takes attention and energy.

I'm all for effort but not much interested in work.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 85
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 5:13:00 PM
I had a friendship, or so I thought where I put effort into it, but it was not a two way street. While he was outspoken, if things do not go right in his world, he becomes a mute to all of his friends.

Sorry, I cannot consider someone who will go months on end, not even looking or talking to his own friends about what is troubling him. I know now I did nothing to him and he is playing mute everytime I see him. He will not talk to me but about me (no I never had sex with mama's boy).

He was one sided anyway. I could not talk to any guy, but he had a right to talk to anyone he wanted cause he was not married to me. The last get together we all had as a group, he was laughing and flirting with a barmaid.

It did not sit well with him when I left with the rest of the group, including his best friend. No double standards for me.
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 6:15:24 PM
I'm glad that you reminded me with your thread! I really should get off the computer now and try to pick up the house a little before my guy gets home from work. I really don't feel like it, and I'm sure that he would never complain if I didn't....but after all is almost only my stuff everywhere! LOL I'm such a slob! LOL I better go do something about that.... Adios!
 tkuchcik
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 88
view profile
History
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 6:17:40 PM
Relationships should be natural.

 Alittlebratty
Joined: 7/3/2006
Msg: 89
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:46:35 PM
You get what you give.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 91
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 2/3/2009 9:37:09 PM
Lack of work or effort in a relationship would be indicative of lack of desire and/or commitment. If someone didn't "work" on it - didn't work towards an "us" mode, I would question what his intentions are and would probably leave ASAP. One-sided relationships are no fun because the other half, in all high likelihood, left his "unworked side" open for adultery, stealing money out of the accounts, etc. His underlying agenda could be very destructive and simply, his lack of effort pretty much boils down to me being used, nothing less - nothing more. That's unattractive!
 YearoftheCat
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 98
Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless
Posted: 3/16/2009 10:41:19 AM
Definitely takes effort. I think anyone who values relationships understands that. Even friendships and family relationships require effort.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should relationships take some effort or should they be effortless