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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Burning BridgesPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
It is childish and unnecessarily hurtful. I was raised to believe that I should behave properly no matter how I was treated, which does not translate into being a doormat but it is maintaining the high road when those around don't make the same choice.

If you feel the need to write such a letter to get the feelings out that is a perfectly healthy thing to do, but mailing it to make sure that you don't ever hear from the person again is gutless at best. Most relationships fail because of two people. Maintaining who you are no matter what happens is a much better therapy than spewing hatred.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 8
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:04:03 AM
what you said to him, and what he did are completely different things, in my mind.
from your post -
He felt bad about all this but eventually realized that he had to let it go and purge his feelings. So he wrote her a very nasty email and just blasted her with every rotten thing he could think of.. He said he felt bad because being nasty is not his style.. but yet he felt relieved somehow.. Like he had burned a bridge that needed to be burned so he would stop looking back.. He then asked me if I thought he did the right thing..and asked if I had ever done anything like this?

I couldn't say if it was wrong or right.. But I told him sometimes relationships become ill.. And if they don't respond to the medicine of love, honesty and caring. Then unfortunately you have to put it down like a sick and suffering animal that is not getting any better. And sometimes you jut have to walk away. It can be tough and even hurt to to.. But sometimes it has to be done.. even to relieve our own suffering.

i can say, for me, it's wrong. And I think her actions were wrong too to become horrid to him....but, as my mom always told us growing up - 'two wrongs do not make a right'.

My other feeling is your telling him sometimes you have to put a relationship down like a suffering animal is completely different because we put animals done out of kindness and we don't kick them in the process just to make us feel better.

I do not agree at all that in order to let go of someone or something, we have to destroy our love or respect for it first. And I suspect your friend won't do it again if it is not in his nature. His asking your advice to me shows he doesn't feel so great about his actions after all.

The way to let go of someone or something is, as you first said - putting love and caring into everything is the key - so lovingly end a relationship because that is then what stays with us.....the love and not the nasty hatred revenge type crap to say goodbye to someone that in fact he will feel far worse about for far longer than how she treated him (imo).
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:57:16 AM
MrVitamix, for people that value behaving in a certain way, what his friend lost was his ability to be himself because he did lower himself to her level by lashing out the way he did. What the OP describes is really revenge that looks a little nicer but is really the same thing.

Cat makes a good point as well, whether professional or personal, burning bridges is just unwise because you forever lose that person as a resource. Life takes some strange twists and turns that we cannot always control.

I had a falling out with a friend several years ago and I just stopped talking rather than creating a big to do over things. Our children are friends and I saw no reason for them to lose the friendships because of the situation between their parents and I also knew that there would be school functions and other things that would throw all of us together, why make that uncomfortable?

After enough time had passed we began speaking again and after x amount of time, were friends again albeit with eyes a bit more open. I chose to behave the way I did because it was the right thing to do but honestly, when I was ill a little over a year ago, I am not sure I would have survived if she had not been there to talk to the doctors about what I had taken, symptoms, and many other pieces of information that determined treatment while I was incapacitated. Burning that bridge could have had serious irreversible consequences.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 16
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:13:26 AM
Over time the lady he was seeing began to become more and more aloof, a bit insulting and judmental. When he tried to talk to her about it, she became very angry and nasty. She eventually ignored him and pulled the "silent/retreating game." He tried for a little while to resolve the conflict.. But anything nice he would say on her answering machine or via email was just ignored. Or he would get a nasty email in return here and there.. He felt bad about all this but eventually realized that he had to let it go and purge his feelings.
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Unfortuneately your friend and his lady friend both have a lot of growing up to do when it comes to relationships. This should not be a model for normal healthy people. He chose her, no one forced them together. Its too bad she became aloof. THAT WAS THE SIGNAL TO STOP CONTACTING HER, so she became nasty to get him off her back. Only slightly less acceptable than what he did finally. Neither one handled things well.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 17
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:15:57 AM
wow montreal guy. your message 5 is so well written and i so agree....now if only i could adopt your never argue attitude!
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 19
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:29:26 AM
I have done this inadvertantly, for sure--just gotten SO MAD at the guy I WANTED to hurt his feelings as much as he hurt mine. But I don't do that any more--it's pretty immature.

I think more people SHOULD figuratively burn bridges on past relationships, though--how many threads have we seen about how one person wants to get back together but the other is lukewarm or cold to the idea? You need to always be moving forward, not reverting to past mistakes (my opinion).
 clubkid66
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 20
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:31:12 AM
If it is making you feel worse then it's better to end it. You don't have to be nasty but you don't have to deal with it. A person doesn't want to talk or be with you then you can leave as well. Suffering is not a job.
 danmck1
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 22
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:43:50 PM
I myself have had a rough experience just like your friend, Although I feel llike realy unloading on this lady, I can only see more heartache ahead, sometime you will run into one another, what happens then. I think it is best to reflect back on all the good times, and try to throw away the bad. You might write her a very bad letter read it a couple time then tear it up, That realy works, I often wonder if us men are suffering from true heartache or maybe we can not handle the rejection, anyway it is tough I know how you feel, good luck in the future
 UR 2 girls away from 3sum
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 24
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:21:10 PM
Unnecessary and the true mark of a person who is emotionally immature. Shows an undeveloped character/insight/conviction and inability to leave without turning it into something ugly and thus "easier" to walk away from.
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 26
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:37:02 PM
night skies, it doesn't matter at this stage what one thinks about how you friend handled the situation. No one here was involved emotionally with the person, felt the joy at first, then disappointment and next pain.

Generally speaking, the best policy in love affair, or even employer's relationship - is never burn the bridges. I believe this is not always possible, sometimes the best thing is to do just that, but you have to use your own judgment. By the sound of your post- your friend went through quite a bit of pain, something triggered in him, that he had enough, and did what he did. Whether it was right or wrong, no one knows that...no one really knows what happened. You have summarized in one paragraph what it was, but how do you summarize the complexity of human's psyche and your friend's relationship with this woman that lasted few months. So for anyone to say it was right or wrong, would be pointless IMO.

Last year, I was seeing someone briefly over summer months. What puzzled me is how one can switch from being hot to cold/aloof over night. We ended or it has ended on its own, we didn't talk about burning the bridges, but the effect is the same. I know we won't be friends ever, neither will we talk openly and sincerely. If we run into each other, we will acknowledge our meeting, but our encounter would be very much on the surface, to me that is burning the bridges.
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 27
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:50:18 PM
just 2 c more...
I like danmck1 advice

You might write her a very bad letter read it a couple time then tear it up, That realy works (...)

I believe this is very good therapy, because you are able to come in terms with your own feeling, and examine your own current emotional state. After all, you might not realize but your are writing for you, because how the other person receives it it won't matter... because it is already over. Write it out and tear it up, or just don't hit the 'send' button.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 28
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:24:16 PM
Last year, I was seeing someone briefly over summer months. What puzzled me is how one can switch from being hot to cold/aloof over night. We ended or it has ended on its own, we didn't talk about burning the bridges, but the effect is the same. I know we won't be friends ever, neither will we talk openly and sincerely. If we run into each other, we will acknowledge our meeting, but our encounter would be very much on the surface, to me that is burning the bridges.
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I and many others surely know that feeling . (but I won't say the bridge is burned yet...since she has been saving coupons for when I work at that building....ugh, maybe I should tell her not to save the coupons anymore and THAT WOULD BE BURNING THE BRIDGE!)

As mentioned, write a letter keep it a while and or destroy it later. Or wait a long time, and write them a letter sincerely DETAILING YOUR WRONGDOINGS ONLY, do not mention their faults. Or the letter will not give either one of you peace of mind via forgiveness. Forgive yourself first.
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 29
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:59:01 PM
Well I was lied to constantly in two different relationships and in both cases after I had broken up with them very kindly, with no cussing or anything. I just explained to them what I had told them from the begining. about how I would not put up with lying from anyone. and then they called me at least twice a week , cussing me out for over two months after the relationship was over. and each time they would call I would be polite with them, and that would just piss them off even more. point is I don't think anyone should lower themselves to another's immature level. I was still able to sleep good at night without having my consience beating me up. After every relationship they get out of; they are always trying to make their way back into my life. WHY would they treat me like shit , if they really wanted to be with me... It's Simply as someone to fall back on, that's way.. don't let the same thing happen to your friend. And as far as him letting her have it on the anwsering machine. she found his snapping point. some women love to test men just to see what they can get by with. But tell him not to beat himself over it though, cause she knows what type of peson he was , and she probably wasn't even mad after listening to it... She was happy because she was finally able to piss him off and that was her goal....
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 33
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:16:57 PM
If we are incompatible, end it kindly. If they have had a transgression, calmly and compassionately tell them and go. If their behaviour has triggered me, well, I need to let them go with dignity and focus on my chit.

I'm not one to get nasty, rude or inappropriately emotional; I'd feel too horrible about it and think it was a major failure on my part. It takes some major work on their part to have me splatter all over their shoes. Not that I'm repressed either, I certainly have feelings but they are mine to deal with and let go.

I've had some wonderful fantasies about being so immature that I just let fly any hurt or anger all over this other person. Nothing I'd ever carry out, seems irresponsible. As I've said to a friend on here about me getting ticked and taking someone to task "Unleash the poodles of war"

Most hurt and anger is about me - my insecurities and fears - and not them, so I handle my own chit. I tend to journal or write nasty essays that I'll tear up... or tuck away to reflect on "where was my head?" six months later.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 34
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:25:35 PM

I was talking to a family friend over the weekend and he had told me an interesting story. He too is in the dating field and had been seeing someone for a number of months. Over time the lady he was seeing began to become more and more aloof, a bit insulting and judmental. When he tried to talk to her about it, she became very angry and nasty. She eventually ignored him and pulled the "silent/retreating game." He tried for a little while to resolve the conflict.. But anything nice he would say on her answering machine or via email was just ignored. Or he would get a nasty email in return here and there.. He felt bad about all this but eventually realized that he had to let it go and purge his feelings. So he wrote her a very nasty email and just blasted her with every rotten thing he could think of.. He said he felt bad because being nasty is not his style.. but yet he felt relieved somehow.. Like he had burned a bridge that needed to be burned so he would stop looking back.. He then asked me if I thought he did the right thing..and asked if I had ever done anything like this?

I couldn't say if it was wrong or right.. But I told him sometimes relationships become ill.. And if they don't respond to the medicine of love, honesty and caring. Then unfortunately you have to put it down like a sick and suffering animal that is not getting any better. And sometimes you jut have to walk away. It can be tough and even hurt to to.. But sometimes it has to be done.. even to relieve our own suffering.

So what do the men and women of POF think of burning bridges in this way? Have you ever done it? And How did you feel about it if you did? Or maybe you are the person who was the bridge that was burned? How did you feel after you ignored all of the good intentions of someone.. And then they just gave up and blasted you/burned you and moved on? I would like to hear what many of you have to say..


A lot of people will tell you that doing things like this is extreme, rude, hurtful, wrong, etc.

I'd like to think that it's a great way to get out pent-up frustration without bottling it and letting it ferment into something more harmful, or accidentally blowing up on somebody that doesn't deserve it.

I mean sure, there are better ways to handle the situation... but honestly, everybody is human. I've done this a couple times myself, and it's really liberating, because it gets everything off your chest, and at least funnels it at somebody who's deserving of the backlash.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 37
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:03:55 PM
I burn my bridges by blocking them, not talking to them, actually doing and meaning what I said when we broke up, which is goodbye. Of course not all break ups need to have the bridges burnt but for someone who has treated me badly, there is no reason to get back at them, I don't need 'closure' as in hanging on until the last little piece is rung dry, and there is no need to look back. When I'm done, I'm gone.

The mistake your friend made, he hung on after it was obvious that it was already over. He let her push him around and treat him like crap, of course she thought she could, he allowed it. Had he stopped and paid attention and said, whoa, don't want this crap in my life, he could have moved on before he let himself feel cornered and lashed out. His actions are all about him and his choices, and gives a good indication into his own issues. That's what he should be dealing with, what she does is her problem.
 Gourmetchef50
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 38
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:10:02 PM
I also dont know if its right or wrong..but it sure as hell made me feel better.I did all the goody stuff for awhile...and i got the silent treatment as well..usually it means she's not into you..or has interests with someone else..either way i dont excuse the behavior.I feel she got what was coming to her and i'm not going to be a doormat for someone..
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 40
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:55:43 PM
what your friend did is really simple. he had a non communative relationship with this lady that was driving him bonkers in the brain and he had to express his anger toward this woman's ignoring him and ultimately end the relationship.

i think that we know that the way he communicated wasn't the best way. Neither was hers. But when we are upset are we necissarily the most rational people with the way that we choose to behave? I know that I am not perfect.
 Frankycadillac
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 41
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:34:03 PM
the best revenge is to live happy
 Happy-lil-Lady
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 43
Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:40:58 AM
There is no excuse for anyone to slam someone they've dated. That shows they are having a problem with being rejected in a very immature, juvenile manner and probably suffer from low self esteem.

I don't, however, believe that you should remain friends with everyone you've dated. There are times when it is smart, even desirable, to walk away and never look back.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:01:36 AM
I think we all have burned bridges here and there, including myself. But anger is such an empty and draining emotion, and eventually you come to realize the futility of it, especially when it comes to leaving scorched earth in your wake.

If someone doesn't want to have reasonable discussions regarding a problem between us, I can't be bothered to waste too much time or emotion in that relationship. If I'm really angry, I might write a letter or email, but won't send it, and come back to look at it in a day or a week, when my emotions aren't so raw. And typically I wind up throwing it away unsent, and just walk away. I know its one of those tried and true tricks, but it really does work, or at least it does for me.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 46
Burning Bridges
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:31:50 AM
Some people “burn the bridges” in an attempt to convinces themselves. They are trying to “sell themselves” that they did / are doing the right thing.

My ex wife (at some point got sold on the idea of independent woman) started mixing with young, single, bitter “now woman watch me roar” types in college. She went to college the last three years we were married.

Some of the things she said to me (over the three years after she left) were just nuts. Things that sounded like someone else’s words.

She kept trying to convince HERSELF she had done the right thing (for herself).

She was going thru early pre-menopause (she was 43 then) and I found out ..... doing the same kind of crazy (where did that come from) talk to both daughters and others.

So ...... sometimes people do the “burn the bridges” trying to justify their actions - trying to convince themselves by saying crap out loud that they think will hurt you (and normally does hurt you).

I have not talked to her since like last December but ....... when she is in a normal mode (not in her nuts mode) she admits much of the crap she said was total bullchit lol.

She likes me - always has and always will. It was hard for her to justify (even to herself) she wanted to do something she never had done. That was to be accountable to no one - no kids - no husbands ............ no one.
 Kahndor
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 52
Burning Bridges
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:56:41 AM
Are you ****in' kiddin' me?
was done for a while, if not from the get go
just like ripping off a band-aid
end it quick and painless
and as for "not his style", obviously, it was
albeit, payback is a ****

so after all is said and done, hopefully, you and your family friend learned something out of everything

everybody comes to the answerman
 cowtrucker
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 55
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 8/31/2008 10:54:04 AM
I feel that burning bridges is a bad thing. One never knows if the bridge they burned today, might be the bridge they need to cross tomorrow.

My best example was a young guy at the dealership that services my semi truck. The guy was just in the beginning stages of dissolving a marriage, was trying to gain custody of both his young children, and I didn't feel he was ready for a relationship. As it turned out, he wasn't, but in my haste and disappointment, I lashed out at him, and was very disrespectful. Two months later, It was a holiday weekend, and my truck broke down 2 states away, and I had to find out a specific part number to have it repaired. Unfortunately, the only person I could think of to call that would answer, was that one particular guy. So, hesitantly, I called. I was very professional, and so was the guy, and we only spoke of the truck. I thanked him and got the parts I needed. I learned right then and there, what ever I think, or feel, always use Tact. Although we never went back and tried to date again, although 9 months later, he still fixes my truck, and does a darn good job.

So, in my life, I try to use tact and dignity if at all possible, both in business, and my personal life. So far, those two things have never led me astray.

CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas
 ceaser_73
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 58
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Burning Bridges
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:22:09 PM
Burn a bridge down, I always come prepared and have a lighter handy for just about anything, you know cook outs, camp fire, stuff like that. (lol) I' d just make sure when one does burn it down, make sure you know there isn't no crossing back to the other side. In a way it kinda protects you from anything stupid, like ever wanting to cross back over that bridge, if it isn't there for one to cross one doesn't do anything foolish twice.
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