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 SyberGirl
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 9
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Parents of boys without Dad in their lifePage 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
They know... @ 8 months old its all about Dad... it defines who they are and goes to their very sense of well being... I am a mom of a 9 mo. old ..boy... and Dad was NEVER there... but my son goes crazy every time he sees a man... just DYINg for the man to interact with him ... It's killing me ... i think i've died a thousand deaths... my heart just aches .. i cant stop him from being hurt ... or give him what he desperately needs... If i had money i would hire someone to step in ... this is horrible.. i didnt think it would matter untill i read the child developement books ... and saw my sons reaction to another male in the room ... when will this pass?
 Uneke_One
Joined: 6/11/2008
Msg: 11
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:27:20 PM
Each child is different and they do become a part of their environment. But as others have said before, as long as they have a good role model(s) in their life, they will be fine. I have raised 3 boys on my own for the last 12 years, and I was worried about the same thing. I had councelors sighing and shaking their head when they heard there was no father in the house, but I never let that get to me. It is hard for a mothers to raise boys on their own. I have no freakin' idea what is going through their brains sometimes, but you just have to do it to the best of your ability.

Currently, my boys have succeeded as follows: My oldest writes classical music and is currently enrolled in the police academy. The middle one is shipping off to the Marines on Monday. (A choice he made several years ago.) Any my youngest is on his way to becoming a marine biologist. So, all in all, I think it turned out ok.

So just be the best Mom you can be.
 SyberGirl
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 12
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:32:10 PM
thank you for the response... and yes...this is very true ... unfortunately i have no family,.,, i keep trying male friends to step in for role models .. and he is twice as crushed ... when they .,. loose interest.. lol need a playground with family interactive. lol ...
Syber
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 24
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:29:23 PM
I'm in SHOCK by what I'm reading in here Gals! Did NONE of you all have a father in your lives that you loved and respected??? Do you just hate all things male now???Good...Bad....or Indifferent....those "pieces of work" were the men you all chose to make love with and procreate with......they are now members of your FAMILY! Don't you all get that???? Your little boys are HALF those men....how long do you believe it will take before those little guys come to the conclusion that, "Mommy hates Daddy...and I am half of Daddy.....ergo....Does Mommy hate half of me?????" Those "pieces of work" are now YOUR "pieces of work"...embrace the life you all have chose. Here's another man's point of view for you all to "chew" upon....you are stating these non-loving man opinions on a world-wide singles site....( some date the opposite gender here ) ....when another guy reads how dismissive you all are to the single most important man in your life....not your Dad's or your sons, not your brothers, not your Uncles or your male cousins.......But the one man YOU chose to procreate life with.....how eager do you believe men on these singles site that are reading this will be to date you and have that negative attitude man hating garbage heaped upon his shoulders??????? One more thought, there is NO woman on earth that will ever teach her boy what it takes to be a man....no matter how sweet and wonderful the mother you can be and are....a woman can not do this. If you can not bring yourselves to make friendly with your sons fathers then make friends with a man...get him involved.
 LoonyTunz
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 25
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/10/2008 6:30:53 PM

I have no contact with my own father after my Mum and him seperated when I was quite young and I'm fine, unless it's just a boy thing.....my brother is fine as well, however my Mum did remarry and we have my Step Dad.

It isn't just a boy thing. Girls without fathers tend to be more promiscuous. But then some will go that route to rebel against their fathers morals too. It really isn't a black and white issue. Simply having a father isn't some magic-bullet cure for all of societies ills, but having a father isn't without value either. Best estimate would be about as good as having a mother....
It does seem that the values traditionally instilled by fathers has fallen by the wayside and there are behaviours that come with that happening that aren't nice. While building up the role of moms isn't bad doing so while ignoring or even denigrating the role of the father has eroded our society.

Bottom line having a mom is good, having a dad is good, but having both is better. And unless one of them really screws up alot the kid will be better off for it.
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 33
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:25:59 PM
Well...I meant to remind more than scold.....sorry it DID come across that way....I think there is a LOT of good folks on here that ...maybe ...have let anger and unhealed hearts dictate a course of action......No one WANTED any of this to happen.
 lisamuree
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 41
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:43:39 AM
Don't we all worry about that? my ex was an abuser to me and then to my kids and tho both realize they want SOMEONE in their lives they both know it can't be him. And I think (at least they act) like they respect me more for it. I know plenty of both happy and unhappy dual couples whose kids have far more issues than my own (and I thank GOD for that everyday) mine are 13 and 11. I don't kid myself-it's only just begun. They aren't perfect, they are normal and in a family raise solely with girls of an 'ozzie and harriet' type upbringing I'm thankful for that. I don't see them as faultless nor do I teach them to see me that way...there are days when I think I will never survive this, and days when I think wow-I did something right. And bottom line is we are all learning just as our parents did and theirs before them. Just do the best we can for that very situation, realize that may not work 5 minutes from now, put them before all else and have good friends to carry you thru when none of that works!!! lets keep all of eachother in each of our prayers!!
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 48
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:12:07 AM
Violet Ivy Darlin'...I'm so sorry that some man has hurt you like they must of...I can say those things because I know where my children are, I raised them.,...with their Mom. of course. And I DO "understand a single mother's point of view"...and I DO understand the difference between a valid point of view and ugly bashing for hate's sake....I'm sorry you all never got the talk that I got from my father, the talk about "everytime I get a hard-on, it's a good time for me but it's a potential family member to him, and how I carry his last name, and my Grandfather's last name, and most every man I have ever known and respected.....at that time....last name too"...my sexual urges were really family decisions and NOT a way to kill a Saturday night. Whether or not you thought you were "safe" with birth control that could fail you....and did.....is immaterial...you made a woman's decision, maybe at the time you thought you were still a little girl that could overcome this...but when you make sexual decisions like we all have....you make family decisions that can affect your entire life from that point on. The decision is now over and done with....you have a family.....Congratulations!!
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 50
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:24:06 AM
And I'm not sure why it might matter if I have "alienated every single mother on here"??....I'm a Dad that has raised my kids...I'm not available to parent some single mother's kids....I respect those children enough to know that THEY know they HAVE a father...and it aint me! All I can be is their friend. If I have "alienated" single mothers that now hate men....well.....I'm thinkin' that may not be such a bad thing, I'm also not here to prove to the angry and the disinfranchised that men are really OK.....I don't possess those skills.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 51
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:55:10 AM
All single mothers need to read this:

http://www.amazon.com/Iron-John-Book-About-Men/dp/0306813769/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215888899&sr=8-1
 sedusa
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 53
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/12/2008 4:54:01 PM
Heather_La_1:

I for one dont take much from statistics as for me that is grouping and not all people fit into a group.

OP:

I dont worry about it to much. Im a firm believer in doing your best as that is all one can do. The "ideal" family doesnt exist as much as it use to which I find sad, but that is how things are.
 utrinque558
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 57
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:12:21 AM
hi feel for you,get your child into sport my son is 8 now he could swim at 5,he does judo since he was 3 hes won 8 medles and trophys and his suit cost 18 pound and judo a pound a week hes confident and outgoing and mixes well,he plays football and is the smallest in his team but he doesnt care all these things help him and give him stability in himself ,good luck !
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 61
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:10:50 AM
Sure a boy can grow into a feminized grown-adolescent without a father around. But a fully mentally healthy "man" happens through the influence of significant male elders....be it father, uncle, grandpa or if you live in a very tight knit community.....I mean VERY tight....as in.....an amazon tribe.......then other elder males of the tribe can fill this role as well. Without this influence boys will either remain highly feminized or sometimes they will go the opposite direction and try to make men out of themselves without proper masculine influence...which is where things like gangs come from.

Part of the problem is that today there actually are very few fully actualized "men" in our society, particularly under 40. Lots of 30 year old adolescents. I don't think a lot of women today even know what a good man really is or what they are missing, or what their son is going to be missing by growing up into a feminized 30-something adolescent.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 64
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:55:10 AM
Well I agree with you that a true genetic father will absolutely fill that role the best. But realistically, there are many situations where this is not possible. And other tight family members can also provide pretty close to the same role....but only if they are very actively involved on a regular basis, and only if they have the power to influence the boy over the mother's influence as the boy goes into adolescence. Most mothers will pretty much only grant that kind of influence to the biological father...if at all. But that is the kind of influence that is required.

Women seem to want to diminish this to a "role modeling" thing...and this goes way way way deeper than just role modeling. This is about trusted males, at some point, helping the boy separate himself from the power of the great mother. Only then can he evolve into a real man. A lot of men today are not having the process happen to them and consequently they will probably not learn how to be a real man on their own until their 40's, if at all. Hopefully they don't get themselves into a lot of trouble in the meantime.
 LoonyTunz
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 71
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:56:31 PM
^^^Your ex doesn't sound like much of a man let alone a father by your account. Hate jumping the gun with half a story but given what you've said I can't see anyone here advocating that guy as any sort of role model.
As for the grandfathers involvement, well clearly he is already familiar with the "dad" role, and sounds like it is a beneficial substitute for "the normal route". It's great the lad has someone he will identify with and emulate so he learns how to be a man, and comfortable in his own skin.
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 72
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:23:15 PM
Awwww Heather....I hope you all wont mind, I just like this one better....


Kids Who Are Different

Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids who don't always get A's
The kids who have ears twice the size of their peers,
And noses that go on for days.....
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids they call crazy or dumb,
The kids who don't fit, with the guts and the grit,
Who dance to a different drum...
Here's to the kids who are different,
The kids with the mischievous streak,
For when they have grown, as history's shown,
It's their difference that makes them unique.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 76
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:45:24 PM
it baffles me how so many women can simply not fess up to the fact that boys need their father around. The problem is that women have no idea what its like to be a little boy.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 77
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:52:31 PM
Many studies show its much worse to have a kid in a single parent home. That's why we need to emphasize good choices in choosing a good partner to young men and women and also by using protection. If you read many of the posts, its like people have sex with someone, then wonder if they are good enough to date them. It should be the other way around.

There are too many poor choices being made by young people and older people for that matter in picking a partner.

I've worked with kids for 10 years and I've never met one parent that says their child is a brat or out of control. lol; but we are creating a society that has kids like its really nothing. High schools now have sections with single mom's and its very acceptable to some people.

We are by far statistically the most violent first world country in history. We have more people in prison than any other country, and we have more violent gun crime; by far; than any other first world country. Not a coincidence single parent homes have also increased greatly over this time.

We need to emphasize to young people the use of protection when having sex, and also equip them with the ability to choose a good partner.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 79
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/13/2008 10:15:19 PM
mthomjmark,

I don't have time to find it at the moment, but google for "Unwin" and "86" and see what you find.
 Henry L. Moon
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 82
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:09:42 AM
Well....of course not...how in the world would a woman know what it is like to be a little boy...anymore than we would know what it's like to be a little girl...a lot of these women feel they have been hurt by the men they slept with and they are lashing out in an attempt to hurt back.....in even one of these "I Hate All Men" threads, there are so many right now that I don't recall which one it was.....one of the ladies even lost her mind further and said "the birth was a mistake" ( where is the surprise little yellow head icon when ya need it?? the one where the mouth opens wide and the little yellow head shakes it's head from side to side in amazement ) ...so the child she has her panties all in a twist over, now, she never wanted??....( insert same icon here again ).....well, I don't get it
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 94
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 12:07:55 AM
pdx,

You can use that kind of logic to justify anything you want. You're a little bit the pot calling the kettle black here... You're saying that all of these stats can be misconstrued so they don't prove anything. Yet to you, the mere fact of that is proof enough for you that there is no risk by separating parents from their children? You don't have any proof at all that its ok to seperate parents from their children, yet you feel justified in that action because it hasn't been proven to you that the opposite is the case.

You're also taking this position at the expense of innocent little boys (and girls) that are quite literally suffering without their father around. Do you honestly think its socially responsible for you to take that position in the face of no evidence whatsoever that single parenting is better for the kids, yet there is tons of evidence to the contrary?

The proof is all around you if you are willing to open your eyes and look around. A lot has been written about this in the past 10 years. Go read.
 borntoski683
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 98
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 1:09:21 AM
PDX,
you attempted to disqualify the assertions that kids without their father grow up messed up. A lot of people disagree with you. You're just trying to justify that its not so bad for kids to have a single mom.

It is my opinion that many women, especially the single moms....will do anything and think anything to help justify the position they are in and feel good about it. frankly I don't think they should ever feel good about it. They should feel like dirty rotten awful mother for bringing a child into the world without a father....no matter the reason.....if even the only reason is that they chose poorly. The responsibility is still on them and there is no excuses whatsoever for trying to dismiss it and downplay the seriousness of the situation for the children involved. They should be doing everything in their power to replace a runaway dad or dangerous dad....with another stand in male father figure. But instead...the vast majority of single mothers are signing up for single motherhood responsibilities and convincing themselves that this is perfectly ok. AND ITS NOT!!!!!!!! The women doing this are screwing up the society for our children's children.

You didn't understand why I called you the pot calling the kettle black, so let me try again. For thousands of years, mother/father family households have been the standard operating procedure for taking care of and fostering the mental and emotional development of children into adults. Its only very recently that the rules are being changed...without ANY evidence whatsoever that it will be ok. Its a complete social experiment and our children are the guinea pigs! Then when people try to point out all the ways that this new social experiment is probably screwing up our kids, you try to disarm this by saying there is no proof. BUT YOU HAVE NO PROOF THAT YOUR SOCIAL EXPERIMENT WILL WORK. Why do we need proof, but you don't? You're the one endorsing what amounts to a massive change in the social order compared to what has been done for thousands of years...yet you don't need to have proof to do it and we need proof to prevent it. That is a double standard. That is the pot calling the kettle black. And it represents ignorance.

 h2o_baby
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 101
Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:33:14 AM
I do believe that boys need a male role model in their lives and unfortunately my sons father is not a good role model and has chosen not to be a part of my sons life but that was his choice and not mine. I think it is better for my son that his father is not in his life but he does have strong male role models. His grandfather is a big part of his life as are his 2 uncles.

We all learn from our mistakes. I am hoping that at some point in my life I will find someone who will accept my son and be a good role model for him. I know that every choice I make influences my little man. I am trying to do the best I can without his father in his life and hopefully that will be enough. He is a wonderful little boy who is very happy and hopefully with my family and support system he will grow up into a wonderful man.

I hope everyone can take a deep breath and understand that all single mom's are doing what they think is best for their child - or at least I pray they are doing what is best for their child. The child must come first!

Good luck to all!
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 103
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 10:26:22 AM
Borntoski... Mind if I call you ski?

Anyway, you're just advocating a return to the pre-1950s mentality where women and children were expected to STFU and take it when dad was an abusive a$$hole. I mean, it looked good on paper and celluloid, because everyone was playing their little part, but women, blacks, asians, jews (except in Hollywood, I guess) and children were held as complete second- or third-class citizens...

Yeah, a lot of white males want to go back to those days, but even YOU didn't live through it, so you don't know what it was really like. Rose-colored glasses are most easily applied to the past.

Besides, what is a single "real estate tycoon" with no kids doing trying to start forest fires in the single parents forum?
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 105
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Parents of boys without Dad in their life
Posted: 7/15/2008 10:37:21 AM
Rock, learn to read. Please. It will make things ever so much easier.

Specifically, I'd like to see your pre-1950s statistics. Thanks.

Also, you have some strong refutation for the assertion that white males were the principal recipients of social "benefit" in and before the 1950s? I'd like to see that, too. Thanks. (KKK ring any bells?)
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