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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?      Home login  
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 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 9
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship? Page 1 of 30    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
hahaha. ok, I'll start:
the worst thing I ever did was cheat...
the most shamefull thing I ever did was ask the date to pay...



Well, I'll chime in behind you-

I did have an affair-it was by and large one of the worst things I've ever done but regardless of why it happened, I'm not going to make any excuses-it happened-Karma came back to bite me in my arse-I learned to forgive myself and move forward. I'd like to believe that I will NEVER do that again because the emotional cost to those hurt by MY actions was definitely not worth the momentary lapse of good judgement on my part.

I'm certainly not proud of what I did, and if I had a chance for a do-over I would have tried counseling first-if that didn't work than separate as amicably as possible before even entertaining bringing a third party into the mix. I've learned a hard life's lesson that once you break something priceless-it's almost near impossible to fix it after the damage is done. To add to it-my ex and I failed to listen to the other-we didn't communicate and it added to the problem.

The upside to it is-despite the fact we are no longer living as a married couple-we've been able to maintain a friendship and co-parent well. I am humbled by his ability to forgive my mistakes-not every man or woman could do that.

EDIT: The best way I could have prevented any of it was to accept that the marriage I had could not be fixed with a bandaid-and if it's NOT working and you know you can't fix it-walk away well before either party is hurt anymore than they already were-in other words, never stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons-make sure you are in it for all the RIGHT ones.
 swingpup
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 13
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:06:25 AM
Became involved with a woman that wasn't married or already involved.
 Diadora
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 14
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:06:27 AM
Whoa.... good question.
-Made the mistake of thinking just because I could take care of them they would take care of me.
-Didn't make clear my needs and boundaries.
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 16
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:10:43 AM
I married her.

Ooops to short.
 BaldyisBeautiful
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 17
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:13:41 AM
I forgot to put the toilet seat down ... once!

Seriously, I had the PERFECT girlfriend, and that was a problem because she was TOO perfect. I never felt that I could live up to her standards of perfection (did I say perfect enough times). I broke it off with her and have regretted it to this day!
 Frisky Monkey
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 18
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:13:52 AM
Last Relationship: Mistook Friendship for love. Friend since college said she had a crush on me. We hooked up, 6 weeks later... we got around to breaking up cuz we were too busy to break up earlier.

Relationship Before: Big Mistake, not hiding my diary/journal better. 'nuff said.
 dantheone
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 20
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:20:54 AM
Very interesting thread.

I can think of a couple of things I did wrong in my last relationship.

1) Definitely guilty of staying too long. I knew I wasn't into it anymore but I stayed mainly because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I shouldn't have been a chicken s h i t and just dealt with it earlier.

2) Letting insecurities and stubborness dictate how I dealt with certain matters in the relationship. Nobody's fault but my own.
 saggy ass and saggy tits
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 21
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:21:53 AM
trusted to much, loved to much........
 veloise
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 27
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:59:01 AM
My big mistake: sending a message to someone who had merely viewed me.

Learning curve: get out the state highway map, and make sure I limit my target area to a realistic set of census tracts.

HTH
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 28
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:08:02 AM
What I did wrong was date him. I had the choice to see an idiot right there in front of me but I went out with him anyway, many times, for way too long. It was obvious he was wrong for me, I was wrong for him, but I wasn't doing anything else so I went for it. It was a total waste of my time and his and really stupid.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 30
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:25:10 PM
I avoid right and wrong for much the same reasons kimbo outlined... and there were a number of areas I wasn't effective in.

My last LTR ended when my ex had an affair. Definitely a bad decision I'm not excusing - and I also played a role in the unraveling of our relationship.

You know how every couple has an unwritten contract of who they are and what roles they play in the relationship? Well, one of my roles was "the grown up", kind of the keel of the relationship, and one of my ex's was the "fun adventurer" - the wind in the sails.

My ex had me on a pedestal which I *knew* was unhealthy and dangerous (the landing is hard when you crash off of it, and you WILL inevitably "show up human" and fall off of that sucker). But I went along for 5 years just soaking up those feel-goods, because ohhhh it did feel SO good to be adored, and kept delaying addressing it - guess in my arrogance I figured I'd have the luxury of time to be able to sort it out when the cracks started to appear.

The day I fell off, there were no cracks, I just went KER-PLOP, one moment sitting high on that pedestal and the next was sitting on the ground, shaking my head and thinking "WTF... Now THIS is going to get interesting, wonder what we're going to do with this?". We had a fight, I had the angels on my side in this argument and my ex was being irresponsible. Truly, even admitted later that I was "right" about it. OK, OK, I know you guys need a piece of the story: My ex wanted to stand up the client at the very last second for an out-of-town job saying "I don't want to miss 10 days at the cottage in the summer". I said no way because it was career suicide and we needed the money. Clear?

How I had previously handled stuff like this was to explore what was really going on, commiserate with what my ex wanted, outline how I saw the situation, and then step back and let my ex make a decision, (usually what I had outlined), maintaining dignity and free choice. If this sounds exhaustive and exhausting, it was. My ex was incredibly high maintenance and for five years I hadn't minded at all because this communication stuff comes as easy as breathing to me, was a weakness for my ex, we loved each other and my ex brought a tremendous amount of joy and laughter into my life.

Well, I messed up handling it... my feeble excuse was I didn't have time to do this nicely because I had to get the ex's butt to the airport to catch the plane. I not only didn't explore what was really going on (found out much, much later - it was fear of messing up the job - so, performance anxiety) and went directly to something like... "Are you outta your MIND??? This is CAREER SUICIDE. No friggin' way... You WILL get your butt on that plane and you WILL do the job. End of story... get your suitcase and lets go".

Hmm... at least it was clear communication, LOL. The look on my ex's face... shocked (this was extraordinarily unMargo like speak), outraged, humiliated, defeated. Got on the plane tho and the job went great. For ten days I stewed about it. I was outraged abandoning the client was even considered, I resented (for the first time) having to be the grown up, and I wasn't going to do a dayum thing to put this back together. "YOUR TURN - YOU can be the one to make things right between us for ONCE" I steamed. So when my ex returned, I said and did nothing to repair "us" - let it ride and we stayed stuck in this angry knot of resentment with each other. From time to time I thought I ought to sort it out and then my anger and resentment would bubble back up and I said "nope, not gonna do it... screw you". Keep in mind, for five years, I WAS the grown up who provided the framework and process to sort things out between us... so I effectively quit on my responsibilities in the relationship. I also knew I'd abandoned my ex in a time of need... but I was "right" so I did nothing... I was so clearly in the "right" I was feeling pretty righteous about the situation.

I think my ex started the affair that month. I did eventually pull both of us into therapy but it was too late by then. We were done about 4 months from the day of that fight.

Next time? Well, I think I can safely say I won't let down my side of a relationship contract again. I have done a tremendous amount of work on ego and pride, so I can't see me getting stuck in it like this again (other than momentarily, because I am human and we all do struggle with ego, fear and insecurity). And I really see how destructive resentment is... so I take tremendous care in not allowing that to build. And boy-oh-boy did this teach me being "right" about something doesn't matter at all in the larger scheme of things.

Beyond that, I learned even tho' I am more than capable of "being the grown-up" that's not a well balanced relationship. And probably, if I am being completely honest, my casting myself into that role had a lot more to do with my own insecurity anyway. So I will not be in a relationship with someone who isn't an aware grown up to begin with. Two grown-ups are infinitely preferable to one.

I've been with my sweetie for quite a while now, and having a balanced relationship makes everything effortless. I've learned I can lean on him, and that level of trust is a first for me. I must be really growing up some, eh? LOL
 danmck1
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 32
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:35:33 PM
I have had the same problem, However I added to the mess by telling a few white lies, realy nothing serious, just trying to make a good impression, However I learned if someone care for you they will judge not what you say,but how you act Also I smothered the girl with affection, not allowing her to have the time and space she needed, Guys I hate to says this but it was all the macho things that realy cost me, she says she needs time to think about us, I think needing time means it is over, I could write a book about be honest and considerate of you future partner, then everything will be fine Ladys please reply on this needing time. thanks
 keeper515
Joined: 11/26/2006
Msg: 35
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:20:01 PM
Me ? Wrong ?
I dated an alcoholic. I didn't recognize all the symptoms or the repercussions until the bottom suddenly dropped out. I thought he was a normal, logical, HONEST person, but the 12 steppers say Talk the talk AND walk the walk for a good reason.
I want to thank ALL the people on PoF that honestly post their experiences dating an alcoholic, being an active or former alkie. I won't be repeating the same mistake thanks to all of youse guys - that's how we talk here in Philly. And I will strain with every cell in my body to NOT be Co-Dependant
I think ' wrong . . Last relationship' is misleading. Not all relationships end because someone did something wrong.
My theory - take it or leave it - is relationships are like trains. Some start in say, Boston and end in Phila, while others start in Boston and go clear thru to Florida.
The trains that terminate in Phila are not bad trains, they have just gone as far as they were supposed to go.
Sometimes relationships are only good for several years instead of decades. Wise people have enought sense to accept the fact, have 'the discussion' and part amicably .
'The Discussion', when I have it goes something like ' You are wonderful, I am wonderful, but we aren't wonderful together'. Both of us have our dignity and can go forward to reach our dreams.
Keeper
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 36
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:40:54 PM
The same stuff : stayed long. He wanted marrige. I knew he was not the one but took 2 more months to actually be able to break with him....
 Westlin
Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 38
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:49:26 PM
Dated an alcoholic and addict. Believed him when he said he wasn't drinking or drugging. Turned out it wasn't true for either thing. I finally had to face up to the fact that I didn't want a boyfriend, fiance or husband who used drugs and should have said so way sooner. I should have spoken up a lot sooner about several things, but I didn't want to be perceived as not being "nice" enough.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 44
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:35:45 PM
my last relationship was with one i met here last summer - here on the forums, but lived 900 miles away from me. what i did wrong was i believed what i wanted to about him and i think he believed what he wanted to about me too. i believed we saw things in a similar way, that we shared similar spiritual and 'core value' beliefs because it seemed we could talk about anything and it would always be interesting and push us both to open our views to see things through the other's eyes too (or so I thought).
it took my moving in with him for me to really start seeing and listening to my much deeper awareness that, in fact, we were not so similar at all.

what i did wrong initially was ignore the niggling feelings and thoughts earlier in the relationship that were giving me clues we might not be as compatible as i was thinking/hoping....

and another thing i did wrong was become impatient and not trust what i call 'divine timing'. i rushed the relationship, in a way, like he did because we both felt and thought, instinctively, this would be a 'good' and 'right' relationship for both of us.
once we were living together (not quite 4 months after meeting for the first time in person.....yes, i know...was rushing things for sure).....then all our deeper issues that were not compatible started showing themselves very obviously - plus i had left a life i treasured here to be with him, so i was suffering anyway....

when we split up for good just 3 months after moving in together, i discovered what else we both did wrong, it seems. it almost seemed like we had gotten together because unconsciously i had hoped i could help him and he thought he could help me.
and i think i learned that situation or premise will never work - for it sets up an almost unconscious hierarchy that each thought they were better than the other.....although both preached equality, but found the illusion of inequality showing itself all too often.

you worded this thread, op,
"What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?"
and it seems like it could all be considered 'wrong' - a 'mistake' - a terrible lesson - but, in fact, it was, for me, the right thing for me to do because i had to go through the experience - obviously i HAD to do it because I did it.

And had i not gone through it with him in exactly that way at exactly that time with exactly that person,
i would have missed something i know i was supposed to experience -
so now, because of that, i know i need to be more careful with
not being in such a rush,
not being so impatient,
not being so wishful and letting that lead me,
and to really pay full attention to those 'red flags' that i chose not to because what i wanted to happen i felt was more important than the internal warnings that were trying to be heard, and because i believed i could make it into what i wanted it to be. a big lesson for me was i had to see that it was exactly what it was meant to be - for the many lessons it taught me.

i really think each relationship is a necessary part of our journey or we would not choose them.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 48
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 6:20:05 PM
I thought of the relationship like it was a baseball game.....and forgave him the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time he cheated. After that, I really had a hard time knowing which lies to believe. Of course....if you were to ask him....he'd say it was because I refused to marry him..... LOL! I still can't figure that one out!
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 49
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 6:21:03 PM
I didn't listen to what was said, and that's not like me at ALL, but I didn't.

I asked a question.

I let things progress to quickly in too short of time.

But I'm human and humans make mistakes..........I always learn a lot from mine.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 59
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:18:47 PM

What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?

I let it progress to a relationship.
 stayinalive-2-44691
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 61
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:52:25 PM
fell in love too soon. she told me early on that we were meant for each other and deserved each other and that when she moved out of the area at the end of this year she wanted totake me with her. she told me she loved me and she hinted at things we could do together later in the year. and the sex was outstanding. we communicated and i was very respectful of her and attentive and periodically asked if she was happy and if everything was ok and she always said yes. i helped around the house and was supportive and bought her flowers on occasion. she asked me to spend the nights with her--i didn't suggest it. i would snuggle and give her back rubs and made sure she was--so i thought--sexually satisfied. i would go shopping with her and we always held hands or she put her arm in mine when walking. her 22year old daughter whom was by far #1 in her life ,and probably always will be came for a weekend and i was to leave ,so she wouldn't know i was there. she told me that her daughter told her to be careful dating because many men would be after her money. 3 weeks later she dumped me--a kiss on the cheek and 'have a nice life' but was kissing me on the neck and said i could call her. what was my mistake: maybe getting involved with her in the first place. i fell in love and she broke my heart. what would you have done?
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 65
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 12:33:36 AM
Oddly enough...niether of us did anything wrong. He was younger and when we got together didn't want children. His dad passed away and a few other things happened and he changed his mind...I couldn't fault him for it, but my son was 19 and I wasn't going to start again.

We decided to part friends rather than wait years and part enemies.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 67
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What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:59:51 AM
statestreet - the thing i find really ironic about your post is you did not answer the thread topic at all, but instead chose to do a summary through your filter what the other posters said and what you thought the op was aiming for.

i am pretty amazed at how much honesty people put here, or tried to be as open as they wished. personally, i knew i was saying what i thought we both did that resulted in the relationship ending, and i was aware when i wrote my post i was doing that....and, truthfully, i feel it's a private matter and not really anyone's business except those i wish to share with what is wrong with me so i was aware i only went so far. to me so many here were very courageous to try and answer truthfully and trusting we would not be bashed.....and no one did get bashed except your summary pointing out you thought most weren't as honest as you thought they could be.....and yet to me those answers you 'rejected' do take responsibility for someone to say I was wrong to stick around so long, I was wrong to see the relationship as right - to me that is taking responsibility....many kept it in the first person instead of saying 'he or she did this or that' or they put both to explain their own actions and feelings of 'wrong-doings'.
but you did not answer the question at all.....not even try. why not? as you say in your last line
Heck ask me why things went wrong in my own previous relationships and I can probably give tons or reasons/faults about the other person but non too many myself.

go on then, i'm asking - try and answer it - it's a pretty interesting exercise, i find to see what we say in the writing and what we censor. why don't you try it?
 Happy-lil-Lady
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 68
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:34:55 AM
My EX was addicted to his female friends that he emailed constantly. He claimed there wasn't anything going on and I believed him until I found an email where he had made a date with one of them. I walked away from the relationship that very day!!

You must have enough respect for yourself that you place a limit on what you'll endure for the sake of love.
 MGMLION
Joined: 4/29/2008
Msg: 70
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:58:26 AM

What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
I DID what made ME HAPPY: Which includes Work, Play Golf, Watch Football and Go to Las Vegas
 MGMLION
Joined: 4/29/2008
Msg: 79
What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:25:37 AM



Im perfectly happy with everything I did.

I knew what I was doing when I did it.
I knew what the other person was doing and why.

It may be sad it never worked out...but sorry...its not because I did anything "wrong"
You must have hit the Links and went to Vegas to. Good for you
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