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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why am I jealous?      Home login  
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 CCsMom
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 3
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Why am I jealous?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If he still loves her, she shouldnt be going out with him alone. Talking on the phone is one thing, but going out with him alone only leads the other guy on. (Which she might enjoy) And it is SO WRONG of her not to introduce you. If she wants to hang out with him, the only way that would be okay is if you went with her, to show you (and him) there's nothing going on and to respect the "monogamous" relationship you supposedly have. You have every right to be PO'd and jealous if she's trying to hide him from you. I suggest you two discuss the ground rules of a monogamous relationship and come to a compromise thats fair to both of you. If she's not willing to do that, she wont ever put your needs in front of hers.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 4
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:08:56 AM
OP.....
1) Read through the thread What Makes Men Jealous in this same forum. It is 8 pages, but there are a lot of different perspectives which you may gain some insight from.

2) IMO, the way you mention she won't introduce the two of you....actually tells you HIS opinion of YOU, considers his feeling more than yours, etc. sounds to me like she is playing games. Is she an insecure person? Is she thriving on this competition for her and her affections? Just some questions.

3) Why do you have a profile here stating you are seeking a long term relationship? Are you also just playing around until something 'better' comes along??



~ds~
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:14:04 AM
A few months ago? How long is that? I don't think a few months is enough time to be so involved with someone, but if you are involved to the point of being exclusive, then you should already know her friends and family and she yours, if not, then it sounds a lot more like playing at a relationship than really being in one. If you want to keep dating her, then I'd keep it casual like she's treating you, if this is not the kind of relationship you want, then forget her and do something about yourself as in moving on and not getting involved with women who do not treat you respectfully.
 H2OLuvCoco
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 6
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:22:27 AM
I don't think your feelings are unwarranted.

1) this is a man that your current serious relationship has been physically intimate with

2) she refuses to introduce you to this person.

SOMETHING IS OFF HERE. sounds to me like your instincts are RIGHT ON.
(in my NOT SO humble opinion)

coco
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 7
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:22:31 AM
She is playing you. Having her cake and eating it to. If she isnt in love with him, why is she putting your relationship in jeopardy? She is getting off on having you at home, and the other guy telling her he wants her. No woman in love is going to go out with an ex boyfriend. She has him played, now she is playing you. Why arent you allowed to meet him? She's afraid you will tell each other what she is saying about each of you. She's likely telling him the same things she is telling you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:25:37 AM
Dude,

I smell a rat. Your instinct is right on the money. She does not want to let go. If fact she is not even being honest about her feelings for him, or for you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 12:35:08 PM

Im going to take previous posters advice here. Im going to "suggest" that we cool things down until she works out her other relationships.


I wouldn't tell her that. If anything, don't sound like you're ready to commit. In fact, go out on a date with someone else. Then she can get a taste of her own medicine. As to feeling insecure, you're not. You just happened to read this one right.
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 16
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 12:51:39 PM
I think she is definitely putting his feelings before yours. She told you he does not want to hear about you, therefore she does not introduce you to him. She doesn't seem to care that you would feel more comfortable meeting him.
Personally, I don't think this has anything to do with someone being jealous. It is more about having common sense. I can't imigine being involved with a man and him going to dinner or spending time with someone he used to be intimate with that still loves him. In my opinion, she is showing no respect for you and has no concern for your feelings.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:01:10 PM
I'll play devil's advocate:

You've only been dating a few months. Maybe she's using HIM as a sounding board, trying to sort out her feelings. Since she is above-board about being with him, I don't see why you can't trust her. The issue with jealousy is trust, right? If you have a niggling suspicino that she is doing more with him, address that with her. On the other hand, I think it is normal for guys to be jealous (there is a good song called the "First Rule of Love" by DelAmitri) of a woman's past loves. just work through it. Don't lose her over this silly issue.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:30:24 PM
Sounds like she'd intro you but HE's got a problem with it - correct me if I'm wrong. In that case he's crossing boundaries.

If he's really her "friend" then he's got to accept a new guy in her life and play the game, or he's got to take a walk. If he chooses to take a walk, then that should tell her how much he really cares. And in that case she has to explain that spending time with him while dating you is basically not cool with her relationship IF he's not interested in the life she's living.

Friends are friends, but I don't do secrecy cause there's no need for it if all is on the level and, well...'nuff said.
 H2OLuvCoco
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 19
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:59:56 PM
Maxi...

it doesn't sound like YOU are insecure. but, want a monogomous relationship. maybe BOTH of you don't want the same things...

you MAY feel insecure in THIS relationship...as it sounds like you and her aren't on the same page.
good luck with this...

Coco
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 22
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:18:25 PM

I'll play devil's advocate:

You've only been dating a few months. Maybe she's using HIM as a sounding board, trying to sort out her feelings. Since she is above-board about being with him, I don't see why you can't trust her. The issue with jealousy is trust, right? If you have a niggling suspicino that she is doing more with him, address that with her. On the other hand, I think it is normal for guys to be jealous (there is a good song called the "First Rule of Love" by DelAmitri) of a woman's past loves. just work through it. Don't lose her over this silly issue.


I think this is the most asinine post on this entire thread.

If you want to play devil's advocate, that's fine, but don't do it when somebody needs legitimate help.

Part of being in a loving relationship is trust. However, another part of being in a loving relationship is EARNING TRUST. It's completely unfair to expect your significant other to trust you when you're exhibiting behavior that is typically considered untrustworthy.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 28
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:53:46 PM
She is worried about hurting his feelings, but not yours? You know this is gone. Let it go. Step out of it, and dont give it any more energy. She has chosen.
 Just 4 You
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 33
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:42:22 PM
Here's how women think.... If you're seeing another woman, it's down-right cheating!!! But if you catch her with another guy, she'll say it's nothing serious, and is probably telling him the same thing about you!
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 41
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:04:16 PM
^^^ "How on earth did you come to the conclusion that he cant be trusted???"

Lorraine, I believe this type of comment comes from those who believe if someone is jealous or accusatory about suspicious behavior in their partner, it stems from doing the exact thing that they are 'paranoid' about....which I find ridiculous on its face.




~ds~
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 43
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/12/2008 4:13:42 PM

I hate to say it but the fact that you are jealous is because your intuition is telling you something.


Jealousy has zip to do with what your mate is doing, and EVERYTHING to do with how secure you feel. I lived for 12 years with a jealous man. I never once cheated on him, or even thought about doing so. He was jealous of an ex-husband, of my children, of my female friends, of any activity I was involved in out of his sight, of books, of the Washington Post, of the dog. And the irony was, HE was the one who had the affair that ended our marriage.

Jealousy is not love, is not intuition, is not caused by one thing the other is doing. It is because the jealous one is insecure, is afraid, and believes he/she isn't good enough to be able to keep the partner if he/she plays fair.


 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 48
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:34:04 AM
Make the effort to meet him yourself. I had this issue once. My husband, boyfriend at the time, had a "friend" that posed a threat in my eyes so I made a point of meeting her, and anyone else I feel threatened by. At first I was open to the idea of an open relationship, mainly because I only anticipated a short term relationship anyhow, so that is where any threats came into play. Since then my feelings have changed as our relationship has changed. Sadly his have not, so I keep an eye on these other women and him..I advise you meet him and make it clear that you're not going anywhere... without saying that of course.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 50
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:36:07 AM
I wasn't making judgements about anything. I was offering my opinion and trying to give you an explanation to your question about another poster when you asked this....

"How on earth did you come to the conclusion that he cant be trusted???"




~ds~
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 52
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:38:57 PM
OP, I don’t really think this is a situation of not being able to trust your girlfriend, but rather about feeling that she doesn’t hear you tell her that you are uncomfortable with the way things are. Face it, your feelings are hurt because you believe either your girlfriend understands and makes a positive move to change things, or things remain at this stand still because she doesn’t really value you.

Unfortunately, many people that try to keep from hurting others actually end up hurting those very same people by their inability to take a stand. I think your girlfriend is this kind of person.

Either you two will have to learn to communicate and actually hear what the other is saying (not just giving lip service because you think you understand) or you will end up breaking up and won’t be pretty.

Tell her you would like to talk about this. Ask her to repeat what she thinks you are saying. YOU will need to do the same for her because BOTH of you need to hear what the other is saying so that you can both try to understand the other.
 androgynousvon
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 55
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:02:40 AM
I'm usually not one to think twice about a SO's friends, but something about this particular case strikes me as really off kilter. Don't know what the answer is. Maybe have a very calm discussion with her --- then give it a little time to see what happens.


ETA..oh..she is a pediatrician...ok..says a lot..one caring lady and good at knowing how to handle people in 'not good' situations..children and parents alike.
I think it's a pretty good sign that you are seeing one great and thoughtful woman to be honest.


At first, I assumed the author of the preceding post was kidding, but I think she's serious. With all due respect, she's living in LaLa land.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 57
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:57:24 PM
I'm not a jealous person at all. I respect friendships that are established prior to the dating relationship. They're healthy. However, I do think you have an issue here with your situation that maybe needs some communication and clarification. You acknowledge that they "had" an intimate relationship, but that she "refuses" to introduce you and "he loves her". Yow. That's not friends. That's ex's. Or easily FWB. Ok maybe her feelings are gone and focused on you, but IF that's so then why would she "refuse" to share you with her friend and vice versa...doesn't add up. And I suspect that the things that aren't jiving here are the reasons you are feeling niggly emotions resmebling concern and jealousy. I think those are warranted and legitimate.

Talk this out if the relationship means enough to you to save. Ask her to work on it with you. Not saying she make a choice over the two of you...but clearly some things aren't adding up and you're feeling uncertain.

I agree with you, this has warning signs sort of all over it. But, it could also be nothing. Talk it out.
 summerbaby2006
Joined: 8/6/2005
Msg: 60
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/18/2008 7:47:29 PM
you have a right to be jealous if there was nothing going on between them then there should be no reason you guys cant meet for a drink even if it's just once. Maybe shes hiding something maybe the other guy doesn't know about you
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