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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > when the dynamics change      Home login  
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 3
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when the dynamics change Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
They are just didnt notice it before.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 5
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:19:40 PM
Remember, Lily, the opposite of love, isn't hatred--its apathy. Hatred can be love denied, and let thru a wrong outlet.

When a former lover seeks revenge, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how they feel, and what they think they have to do in order to handle those feelings.

Need I point out, it would help you to find out how serious they are, how far they plan to go...and get out ahead of it?
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 6
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:39:53 PM
There is a VERY fine line between love and hate .. both can bring out very strong emotions.
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 7
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when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:49:52 PM
Hurting people hurt people.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 9
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:02:22 PM

I've dealt with issues similiar to yours and while it can be very unpleasant, the best you can do is NOT make yourself available for any of the nonsense. Case in point, for me, he didn't necessarily want me, but he didn't want anyone else being with me either-any man who has more mood swings than I do makes me nervous.

Sometimes it's insecurity-mental illness-petty behavior, but if you don't feed the fire it will not burn. It's not that they want you back-it's more they enjoy manipulating you emotionally. Trust me, walking away is the best situation, because the only person you can ultimately change is yourself.

Silence is deafening-let em stew on that.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
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when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:41:10 PM
Lily, you don't tell us how long you two were together. If you were not together that long, you may not have been with him long enough for the craziness to show through before things went south.

Although it is totally dysfunctional, some people cannot handle not having what they want so they will do anything to try to get that person back. With someone with less confidence, etc., those tactics might work because the person will feel guilty and may buy into things being their fault.

I don't think there is a fine line between love and hate I think there are passionate feelings that can as easily be channeled into loving as hateful behavior when you are dealing with someone that is incapable of managing his emotions. He is grasping at straws to try to hold onto you.

Keep doing what you are doing, do not talk to him, do whatever you can to protect your personal information, etc. and if the man continues to hack into your computer, you really need to contact the police. Be very very careful, cautious and watchful because this man sounds very dangerous.
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 12
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:00:23 PM
" They are just never notice it before"

Actually it's not that simple, The term "hell halt no fury like a woman scorned" hold true for men also at times. when some people both men/women get hurt it's a refection mechanism to want to hurt the person that caused you pain.

Of course the guy in question loves the Op otherwise he would not be acting like someone that belongs in a mental institution. Not saying his behavior is in anyway acceptable.....BUT I UNDERSTAND.
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 16
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:54:02 PM
'Greetings, Wildman46
Can you please eleborate on how you understand, even when we both know it is unacceptable behavior.
I am very curious to hear your understanding and probe your mind a bit on this subject"

I remember a few years after seperating from my ex-wife i was having a conversation with my daughter, she was about 8 or 9 at the time. She missed having me around and wanted us to get back together as a family. Which was something i could not do, she got very angry during this conversation and at the end she ran out of the room screaming " I hate you, you're the worst dad ever, you ruined my life" . Even to this day when i think about her saying those words it brings tears to my eyes. She was hurt and she wanted me to somehow feel her pain, I know my daughter loves me with all her heart but i also know that when people are feeling pain, it's only natural for them to lash out at the cause of their pain.. I would never condone the behavior being shown by your ex.....BUT I UNDERSTAND.

Pain when it's in the heart makes people do and say some very strange things, things that they truly don't mean nor would do under normal circumstances. Is it in anyway acceptable, no, but we need to take all that into account and maybe cut the person in pain some slack.

And for the record Op, you really don't want to be "probing my mind" it's really not pretty in there.

Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 17
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when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:08:16 PM
This is all just conjecture, since I don't know this person, but here are some examples of things I have seen and read about that might apply to your ex. You ask the question in such a way as to be about people in general who do these sorts of things.

The relationship isn't over, in his mind, because all the negative "stuff" or activity he is doing, saying, and thinking is a way to continue the relationship beyond the time it ended for you.

He has just "flipped it" over to its opposite. In his mind, you are either with him or against him. If you are against him, when once you were supposedly "his" then that is the ultimate in betrayal of "loyalty."

You have not ended a relationship. In his mind, you have switched sides in a war. And he thinks all is fair in love and war (not.)

People who think that their significant other reflects on them, (look at what a great girl I have got) feel like the other person is like a pet that is misbehaving when they "run away." So they are a bad owner who let the pet escape. (OK this is an exaggeration to make a point here.) You have made him look bad.

Some people find anyone who makes them look bad in front of others (particularly if he has bragged about you to his friends, or used you to make himself look good) to be infuriating/humiliating.

Also, the pain of separation, the disappointment of expectations that weren't met, or implied promises that weren't kept; he thinks these things were done on purpose by you to hurt him. When in reality, all of these things would have happened no matter who you were, or how nicely you handled the ending of the relationship.

If you add to that any normal expressions of hurt, dismay and anger on your part, then he thinks for sure you were just trying to torment him. He can use anything negative you might say as fuel to justify his "rightness." In making you "wrong" he further pushes you away--when he really wants you back--but only on his terms. For him this is a Catch 22. He can't win. And this can make some men even more frustrated, angry and dismayed.

Pain can cause someone to focus very intently. If he is focusing on the pain of the ending of your relationship, he is avoiding all the other painful or mundane things in his life. It is like a stone in your shoe. Pain might be all you can think about for a while. And unless he has some way of healing painful emotions, he can only vent, and rage (crying is not allowed, usually--too unmanly) until something else happens that is so catastrophic/wonderful that it overshadows the breakup for him.

The other thing is, you are probably very fascinating to him because you said no to him. Sometimes a person who was never said no to as a child is looking for a strong person to give them a clear set of boundaries. A woman who can say yes or no to him --in spite of his many machinations--is seen as very strong. Someone he can't have is more interesting than someone he can have--because you can't force/manipulate someone into saying no to you. That's an impossible contradiction. You have to have that ability already. Only an independent person can be free to equally give you a yes or a no--and thus true honesty. However attractive that is, he doesn't always like what he hears.

And last, the hate, deceit, lies and slander are all things he thinks you would do to him, given the chance. People tend to expect of others the same things that they would do--because that's how they learned them--from others (parents, friends, etc.) It might be he was hurt by all these things at some time before, and he is doing the "strike first" before I get struck thing. He thinks you were super nice, because you aren't like those people he learned from. When you two broke up, he was dissapointed and thought you were "pretending" to be nice--in reality you are "just like them." Even if you are not. So in his mind, the breakup signified that the entire relationship, with all of its niceness, was a sham, a scam, and he was made a fool to have fallen for it. (Even if you were simply just being nice, and then nicely ended it.)

The true ending of the relationship for him will be when he is indifferent to you, and that hasn't happened yet. Until then, the strong feelings indicate he still cares a lot, but is totally messed up about it. He's definitely not handling things well, so unless he learns to handle stress, frustration, dissapointment, and strong feelings in general, he might be hurtful to himself or you. So be careful and take the necessary precautions to be safe.

And I repeat, these are just examples, they aren't meant to apply to any specific person.
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 19
when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:33:35 AM
The most practical thing you can do is to have absolutely no contact with this person. ANY kind of reaction from you will only encourage him. If he persists, you may have to consider a court order. If so, let the court and lawyers handle it keeping as much distance between you and him as possible.
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 23
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when the dynamics change
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:12:34 PM
my guts tell me he is having an impossible time detaching from you - so still suffering from his attachment....and since he knows it's over, really, his unconscious perhaps is turning his love into apparent hate as a desperate way for him to let force himself to detach....

unfortunately, all it's doing is keeping him connected to you and if he can't do it positively, he will do it negatively....though i sense he might not be able to control his obsession.

i guess you broke up with him? i think he needs serious counselling and i would also be extra observant - look out for you.

i also wonder, since you say it's been 9 months since you spoke a word to him - i imagine he thinks if he keeps this up, eventually you will break down and open the channel of communication again with him.

i don't know what to tell you. do you know anyone in his family you could turn to quietly and explain how he's being? then maybe they can help him get some professional help - 'cuz it sounds like he really could use it.

i also would look deep within you and just check that there isn't some hint of passive aggressive going on in you - i know it sounds so unlikely, and yet,i don't know, you're also watching him watching you....and i know he's making it impossible not to....still just make sure you are positively absolutely completely 100% clear you have detached from him too, that's all.
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