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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend      Home login  
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 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 9
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!Page 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

I did think of that but my fiance has to work on 2 of the nights my friend will be here so that isnt an option. Thanks though.

So this isn't a one-night arrangement? I can understand your bf's concerns. Maybe offer your friend to spend nights at your fiancees place. Or how about you stay elsewhere and offer your room to your friend?
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 11
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:29:53 AM
When issues like this arise stop and think for a moment if YOU would be ok with a woman sleeping over at his house for the weekend.
If you'd have an issue with it then you should understand why he feels that way.
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 14
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:39:39 AM
" I'D have an issue with my fiance's female friend staying over even if i trusted him 110%"

With all due respect you do not trust him, if you trusted him you would have no issue with this. Can anyone explain to me why it's ok for a female friend to stay over but not a male friend? A FRIEND is a friend no matter what gender, period.

The Ops SO has trust issues that he needs to sort out. I would never ever want to marry someone i didn't trust with all my heart, if i trusted them then this would never ever be an issue. Either he believes the Op about this or there relationship has some serious problems that needs to be addresses before there can be a wedding.

Also i missed the part where if you're going to marry someone you own them. How can the Ops b/f dictate to her who the hell can stay at her house? "She is not allowed to have him stay" total hogwash. If he is dictating to her what she can or can't do now, i can only imagine the control issues she will have when she gets married.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 17
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:56:41 AM
How could you not find a thread about M and F friends, etc? Please DO A FORUM SEARCH type in "friend" ok "mate" but the proper word is friend. I think this question, or MILD version, has been posted and answered 1000's of times.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 20
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:48:32 AM
I have a lot of friends. None of us have lots of money, and we are always welcome to stay at each other's home when traveling, so I understand why you are used to offering your home. I also understand your fiancee's feelings--although, if your guest has always just been a friends and you have a "chaperone" (the roommate), your fiance should mellow out a bit.

If I were your roommate, I wouldn't want YOUR friend staying over with me, so I don't think that's a good option. Why can't your fiancee offer his place to your friend? Since he's working, anyway, he shouldn't be inconvenienced by having someone sleep there, and if the guy's your friend, he should be trustworthy enough to use the place.

Nutt
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 22
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 7:17:56 PM
i apologize if this repeats what others have said -

surely you have heard of hotels? have your uni guy stay in a hotel overnight and hang out with you and your fiance' during the day(s) because if it is a truly great friendship like a brother, you want to do this right so it can go on for many years.

and it also opens the chance your fiance' and him could become genuine friends too, which would be great for everybody!

edit: more thoughts - does your uni friend have a girlfriend or close female friend he could bring? they could share the hotel cost and then there'd be four of you vs. 3 and that might be best for this first visit especially.....

you know, op, discuss with your fiance' all the possibilities and find ones you agree on and then present the options to your uni friend. this really is not a big issue and you know how easily you could make it one - if you wanted to.....but you don't.....

truly if you guys can't figure this out, then i'm a little concerned for your marriage. :)
for some reason your post feels like a 'dear abbey' in the newspaper and you know how we are so good on the forums to get into things really deeply and analytically!... but this is not a big traumatizing issue. just be honest with your uni friend and i'm sure a great friend will want to respect yours and your fiance's wishes.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 26
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:26:42 PM
I like the suggestion that you get your friend a room at a motel/hotel and get your boyfriend to help you pay for it.. hehehe.. But seriously if he is a good friend it is worth getting him a hotel room so you can see him plus that will make fiance happy.

I see this issue not as a trust issue but as a boundary issue. The Fiance doesn't think it is appropriate for a man to stay the weekend at your place.. it isn't that he does not trust you it is that it is inappropriate.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 32
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:00:38 PM
I was wondering the same thing as a post above!

You have a female roommate and are engaged to a man who lives in another household? I certainly don't fault you for this, although it's a bit unusual these days.

Based on the threads on this site, i see a lot of problems arising with having friends of the opposite sex for both men and women. But that's not important.

Why not just let your friend stay over and you sleep over at your fiancee's? Seems fairly simple and your friend has a bed instead of a couch. Or have him stay at your fiancee's place and your fiancee stays with you.

Or are we missing some information?
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 38
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:18:33 PM
Unless he shares the same constraints with "mates" whatever their anatomy eazk said it all succinctly.

I could never bond with a woman that couldn't trust me. Is there acid fog on that side of the pond or what?
 Frankycadillac
Joined: 5/1/2008
Msg: 39
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:23:02 PM
Agreed. There has got to be a balance.

In the end if you don't listen to your current fiance you might want to find another one you can domineer a little more thoroughly.
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 40
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:24:11 PM
" I could never bond with a woman that couldn't trust me"

Bingo !!!! that's the even bigger issue of the thread, the lack of trust being displayed by the Op as well as her b/f........ Why in the hell would they be getting married if they don't trust each other?.... This is surely a marriage whose foundation is build on sand.
 DLo!
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 41
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:33:08 PM
I've done that in the past but only because we were both friends with the person. Determining if it's a trust or respect issue with your man may help with your questions..
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:54:24 PM
He said you're NOT ALLOWED to have your friend sleep over at YOUR place while he is in town!? He doesn't even live with you and he has a problem with you inviting a guest to stay in your home!? I have to agree with the people who say this is a bad sign for your relationship. He either trusts you or he doesn't, and if you start giving in to his jealousy and insecurities now, you'll be doing it for the rest of the time you are together.

I just went thru this situation with a close friend of mine who lives in the Midwest. She is in a long distance relationship with a guy from the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast. I recently went out to visit her for a long weekend, and I slept on her couch while I was there. She did mention that when she brought it up to her BF that a male friend was coming to stay with her, he started to object and that he didn't really approve of the idea, but she immediately set him straight and told him to act like an adult. He might not have liked it much, but she made it clear it was her decision to make, and he had to deal with it. Your BF should do the same OP.

And no, I wouldn't have a problem with it if the situation was reversed (and this from a guy who's marriage ended when his wife was cheating). You judge people on an individual basis, not what happened to you in the past with someone else. You either trust someone completely, or not at all. The rest of it is just jealousy and insecurity.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 46
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 2:32:47 AM
Wow everyone seems a bit precious. I have male friends that I have never slept with and never will. A fiancee who is jealous of any friends male or female ooh yuk... My male friend would be staying over and the fiancee can just get over it.
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Exactlty like I can drink 5 beers, drive 80mph with my seatbelt off, and not get killed. Even though all the experts are against it...I can do it. Tell your fiance to get lost. You want to join POF for a few years.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 50
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 3:39:24 AM
i utterly agree with sknight and the poster a few up that also said it's probably not as much a trust issue here as much as consideration for your fiance's feelings.....that are understandable.
i also suspect the wording you used that has raised the annoyed hairs of some of the posters might not have actually been the exact words your fiance' used....but simply the way you worded your op....
just a couple of quick additional thoughts - is it possible your fiance' is just a little upset that he has to work two of the nights your friend will be visiting (whether staying with you or elsewhere)?
perhaps he is more upset about the timing of this visit and that he will be left out?
i still urge you to include him as much as possible, and honor his wishes not to have your uni friend stay with you.....
gee, i also wonder do you think perhaps your friend and your roommate might hit it off? (sneaky little thought, but possible...in which case you might be seeing a whole lot of your distant friend in the future! :)
and so keeping everything 'kosher' here is most important if you value your engagement and your fiancee's feelings....as you would wish him to honor yours if things were reversed.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 54
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:06:02 AM
I've already posted my thoughts (msg 45) on the OP being "allowed" to have her friend stay with her, and the BF's insecurity and seeming lack of trust in her. And yes, I'd be fine with it if I were in her shoes.

But here's a point no one has made...let's say for the sake of argument, that her friend from school really does secretly harbor feelings, or at least an attraction, for the OP. Doesn't her BF think she has the capability to fend off any unwanted advances by the friend, should they happen? I'm sure she has turned down guys in the past, whether they made an innocuous pass at her or were just plain rude about it. What makes him think she can't handle herself this time? And let's face it, if the friend does make a play for her, its unlikely he'll be invited to stay with her again.
 pbear511
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 55
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:14:16 AM
"I assumed it would be ok with my fiance but he says im not allowed to have him stay."

i don't know where to begin to say what all is wrong with this sentence, but i'll give it a go..

1. assumption is the queen mother of all screw ups
2. why would your fiance be ok with another guy staying over at your place? does he have other gal pals who come into town for a weekend and crash at his place?
3. fiance = mutually exclusive. pretty much the same as married.
4. why are you not allowed to do something you want to? (even if it is destructive to the relationship) does he order you as to what you can or can't do? is this just your way of pushing a button to see how much he'll "let you get away with"?

oh..nevermind me. you two are perfect for each other.

good luck.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 59
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:48:51 AM
Your fiance IS Jealous, and also very insecure. If this is a guy who is your friend, and you've never slept with, it shouldn't be a problem if he came and stayed in the couch, as long as that friendship is in the same terms as far as your male friend. In other words, he also has no other ideas. If that is the case. No problem.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 62
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:57:24 AM
There was a similar thread that was revived a couple of days ago. The gal was going out of town to where her friend lived and had offered some compromise items such as the boyfriend going with, etc. Because they had had a brief romantic relationship ten or twenty years ago, the majority of the posters said they thought she shouldn't do it. She thinks that she doesn't want to damage a friendship of long duration when her SO won't even meet the guy.

Your first response gave you a good suggestion, your fiance can stay at the house with you if he is paranoid about something going on but with the roommate there, it seems fairly lame that he is concerned about it, particularly as he could drop by at any time if he really thinks he cannot trust you. Can you afford a hotel or is there another male friend that knows him that could put him up?

This situation really doesn't sound that complicated because if your fiance is worried, he can spend the time with both of you.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 63
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:59:16 AM
yes, forums1....why do we sometimes ask others to do what we ourselves cannot....meaning she implies she wants her fiancee to understand and accept something she thinks she could not, or would not be happy with either. i think you have given her the real key, though on what to do when you say -

"...what would you want *him* [ie fiancee] to do in that circumstance? Think about it, and then realize that *that* is what you should do."

one more thought that i see others doubt -
i have always had male genuine friends that mean the world to me - perhaps because i grew up with three brothers, so i often develop brotherly relationships that really are true friendships....like my sisterly connections i have with the women i love.

if people think our relationships with the other sex are always purely sexual or potentially sexual at the heart of them i think we are missing out on a huge aspect of being human and appreciating each other on a level of love that really is not needing or manifesting a sexual aspect for that love if it's for the opposite sex.
 Wildman46
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 64
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:13:41 AM
either the Ops b/f trust her or he doesn't , If he doesn't then they should not be getting married until those issues are sorted out. If i am getting married then i trust that person 100% , not some of the time or until she invites a male friend to spend the weekend, but all of the time under any circumstance. If that's not the case then i am not getting married to her.

The same better hold true for her, If i have a female friend staying over for the weekend she has to be able to understand the situation and have total and utter faith in me, otherwise we have way bigger issues and should not be getting married.

The Ops friend coming to stay is a test put forth my faith to let them know they should not be getting married at this time, They have things to sort out on both sides before that can happen. Not the least of which is the Ops b/f telling her what she is "allowed" to do and what she isn't "allowed" to do!

If a woman i was in a relationship with EVER tried telling me whom i am "Allowed" to have stay at my house, The door would not hit her butt fast enough to suit me. Communicating ones feelings to your SO is one thing, dictating and telling them what they can or can't do is another.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 68
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:38:13 AM
Carolann's suggestion is even better than the fiance staying in what might already be a crowded place with a roommate and a house guest bunking on the couch. How much trouble can he get into with the woman under the watchful eye of the fiance unless he is a really, really heavy sleeper.

I would also be concerned about him laying down rules for your house or presuming that he would ever have the right to tell you what you can and cannot do. In a relationship you have the right to request or suggest but there is really no situation in which either party should be the boss and the other subservient to his/her wishes.

This shows a great lack of respect for your feelings and while you should consider his, is he doing the same with you by acting in a way that could cause you to lose this good friend just because he has a penis? The situation you describe has numerous compromises, if he is unwilling to make any concessions and insists on his wishes and ignoring your feelings, that should tell you something about how things will be if you marry the man. What if he decides he doesn't like other friends, male or female, is he going to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with till death do you part?
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 69
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:44:53 AM
mess 69 - gosh - it took me the whole thread to really get what you have been saying all along i think (and others too).

yes, no matter how her fiancee put it (whether he really used the words 'not allowed' or just expressed he'd really rather not have her uni friend stay at her home)....the essence is he is saying he does not trust her......it could be not trust the uni friend really, but then it also means he does not trust she could ward off his advances....if there were advances...and that's not saying there would be - but it's showing his fear and distrust there could be. and it shows he does not believe her when she says they are genuine friends only.

so, yes, i can see what you mean. if at the heart of this whole thread and her original post is he does not trust her, and she would not trust him if things were reversed and it was his female uni friend coming to stay with him - then, yes, i agree.....
if there is even a hint that they don't trust each other - even a tiny bit of doubt- then you're right - they should definitely not marry.
 marathonman11x7
Joined: 4/29/2005
Msg: 71
I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:54:17 AM
Ask your fiance to allow your friend to stay at his place while he is visiting. That way your bf would get to know your good friend better and vice vesa as well as your friend would get to spend time visiting with you.
 SomethingManly
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 76
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I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:10:49 AM
Is the OP even reading this thread...lol

She said herself that she wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed. So what's the issue here?

There are plenty of options for her male "friend" to come and visit and not have to sleep at her place. I personally would trust her, but still tell her it makes me feel uncomfortable. And seeing how there are a ton of options for having her "friend" visit, then it would open my eyes a bit if she just went ahead and said screw it, he'll sleep at my place.

Those of you stating her fiancee is telling her what to do or making rules....from what i read, he did no such thing. He made his feelings known....which is what most of you women **** about wanting us to do more of.

Right now, it's an awkward situation....in a year from now, they're married, living together, and the dude can sleep over in the spare bedroom with no problem.

I look at SUCCESSFULLY married couples that i know and none of this crap goes on. You have to be considerate of your partner's feelings. It's inappropriate, that's all really.

Why make your partner feel uncomfortable and tolerate such a thing....keeping in mind you might have to later on ;)
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